Kunoichi's Guide to Overbearing Fangirlism

by spontaneousandcynic

Wonder if the character you're making will survive in the world of Naruto? Look no further, the Kunoichi's Guide to Overbearing Fangirlism gives guidlines and examples of characters who simply can't make the cut.

Disclaimer: Naruto is not owned by us. We sincerely wish we did (oh, what fun…) but we don't, unfortunately.

A/N: (cynic) Okay, this sort of thing has been done over and over again, I know. However, we came up with the idea again over e-mail and therefore we wrote it. We will have other little stories attached to this, and they should be…entertaining? Perhaps. And while we're at it, look at our individual fics! (Yes, shameless advertising, I'm sorry. I couldn't resist.)

Hi, people. How's it been? Spontaneous here. Even though I realize fics like these are pretty common, we did one anyway. Certainly you understand it is not simply for the enjoyment of pissing a few of you off. Of course not. You may notice some of them are kind of just basic. Others are a little ruthless. Hey what can I say? Cynic wrote the odd numbers, I did the evens. Oh, if you decide to flame, I trust you to take the time to flame according to whom wrote the offensive one. Such a wonderful waste of time, eh?

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Never become obsessed with the homicidal maniac, or if you must, never attempt to glomp him. Or commit any other sort of physical contact.

2. Keep a good distance away and if you must say anything...avoid touchy subjects, such as childhood traumautizations, families, or your undying love

3. Never ever attempt to nurse said character back to health because first, he doesn't need it, and second, the moment he wakes up he'll kill you. (And third because you don't have any medical training!!!)

4. Randomly screaming affections of love is not a good idea. It's also a fifty percent chance to have your tongue removed. (And other body parts as well...)

5. Being blind, or deaf, or having any other disability is not going to charm them. In fact, in just makes killing you even easier.

6. It is not in fact a wise idea to claim to have met them years and years and years and years ago. For if they are of any intelligence they will know you are lying and if not they'll mistake you for that person whom owes then five dollars

7. It does not help if you are related to another character. They might simply think that
you're annoying, or they will learn your secret weakness even sooner and
destroy you.

8. DO not claim to be super powerful or strong, the like. For that would require testing and about the .5 seconds of battle you will think:"Wait...I don't have any powers!" Then you will die.

9. You are not the mixed blood of any two clans (such as the Uchihas and the Hyuugas) that has been tragically left to die. Said bishie won't care, and will fight u to test his ability against u even if he does care, and u will die due to the fact that u have no idea how to use bloodline limits. (There's a reason it takes years to learn them, people.)

10. You do not have certain abilities that are considered: A. Seductive. Or B. Influencing. Otherwise you wouldn't be so desperate to fall in "love" with such character. It will not help to stalk said character wearing revealing clothing, as all the women in the show do constantly all the time and you don't see any of THEM paired with him. (Canon-ly at least) Any odd, and...blatantly confusing ideas to impress will most likely fail miserably, or just annoy them. If you can't sing or dance don't embarrass yourself. Because you embarrass them more. Leading to possible destruction of your legs. (And other said body parts.)

11. Just having a lovely singing voice is not going to charm anyone into automatically falling in love with you. In fact, they might get annoyed and choke you to death.

12. Today kiddies we shall talk about stalking. Following such persons around for weeks and months on end, living off random shrubs and scrap meats, is not the brightest idea. There are several reasons of such. Number one, you already have a 20 chance to starve to death, a 15 chance to poison yourself, a 5 chance to be killed by some sort of animal such as: Snakes, bears, spiders, and rabid squirrels. and a whopping 60 chance to be mercilessly slaughtered by a much annoyed subject who is also somewhat surprised you managed to live through that snake pit he purposely went through last week.

13. Never suggest that you are stronger than said bishie. First, that's not true no matter what way you look at it. Second, the minute they decide to test themselves against you is the minute you die.

14. You are not from some kind of crossover wonderland. You are not Harry Potter/Hermione Granger/Dobby/and/or any other random person from some other show/book/game. You cannot expect said bishie to KNOW what ANY of these other places are, or know who the hell you are supposed to be when you proclaim to them:"I am (insert name of random character name here) from (Insert world that random character name is from or just something you made up)"It will result in much confusion, which is easier solved by simply killing you.

15. You are not so amazingly beautiful that upon seeing you, it turns into a love pentagon/hexagon/octagon/n-gon. That's complete BS because all of the guys would have different tastes, and secondly some of the guys wouldn't even care.

16. Don't try and convince yourself that you are the canon-pairing girls' rival. Note that if she is normally paired with such a person she also must be badass to some degree. She will also not hesitate to kick your ass and leave you in a ditch somewhere. Oh, by the way. I wouldn't try breaking in on their private time if you know what is good for you.

17. Repeat after me. YOU CAN'T TALK TO ANIMALS UNLESS THEY'RE SUMMONED OR SOMETHING. You do not just have the ability to talk to all living creatures. They instead may get the wrong idea and eat you.

18. There's a reason they have those D.A.R.E commercials other than being stupid. How or when it may cross your mind is beyond me when you decide to slip drugs in their food/drink/medicine. Just because they are on drugs does not mean they will be easy to seduce. In fact, it makes such a person more violent and even more intolerant when they have that hangover the next morning.

19. Falling out of the sky and into bishie's lap is not the best way to make an impression. First of all, chanced of you actually managing to fall on his lap is low. Second of all, even if you do he's going to be pissed (I mean, he's already had 10 other girls throw themselves at him.) and will probably maul you to death. (XD not to mention they will be a little mad if you hit them in the wrong place, teh heh)

20. (Yay! 20) Not everyone likes a mischievous person. They aren't really sleeping. They're actually watching to make sure you don't pull any idiotic prank on them. DO NOT! I REPEAT: "DO NOT ATTEMPT PULLING ANY SORT OF PRANK ON SAID BISHIE!"
Cutting off hair, painting their faces, shaving their eyebrows, and Tabasco saucing their lips in sleep is NOT a good idea. Do not expect them to look in the mirror and say:
"Oh, that, (Insert name most likely taken from some other fictional world as I mentioned earlier.) She got me again."
In realistic terms it would come out:
"That beeping beep cut my mother beeping hair I'm gonna kill that beeping whore beep beep."
Then the next time you try you end up being hung on a tree with your head shaven, and stomach gutted open.

21. Being the ditzy kunoichi with the heart of gold is really not attractive. Seriously. It's close to vomit worthy. And any attempts to "reform" a bishie will end up with you head cut off as a warning to the next person to try it.

22. You are not some past love of bishie villains deceased best friend/relative/what the hell ever that gave up on them for said bishie. If they were that close to them anyways, wouldn't they remember their friend's previous relationship problem with you? The ditzy prankster with a heart of gold from some other world who randomly falls out of the sky into people's laps while screaming confessions of random love while dancing and singing horribly upon standing back up?
Not like they would be particularly interested even if you were. After all. Read that description over and tell me if you would date a guy like that.

23. You can not be the female character who is always alone and shunned, even though it is of no fault of her own. First of all, if anyone was "all alone" they would not be complaining about it 24/7, and angsting about it. Second of all, said bishie will not notice poor little insert name here if you really are that gloomy. In simpler words; super angsty character? Scrap it, or someone else will.

24. Tell me, since when were you able to read minds? Simply put. You cannot.
Upon trying such a fatuous thing you will be sad to understand that you cannot read this persons mind. And he will find it annoying. Loosely put, just don't try it.

25. Look, you cannot read auras. It's not possible. Chakra yes, but only if you are an Uchiha or a Hyuuga (see #9 for further warnings), and even then it's not going to show anything besides what jutsu they're using. You cannot simply tell changes in mood from that. Trying to do that will get annoying very fast, and then we'll see how well you survive as a test experiment.

26. Why are you in the Naruto world again? There is no logical answer to this question. Last time I checked you were rewriting scripts to episode 85 while discussing the character change in Iruka between the seasons. HOW DID YOU GET THERE?! HOW DID YOUR TV MAGICALLY SUCK YOU INSIDE!? (No seriously I really want to know how you could do that) Try asking yourself this question over and over. Did your TV assimilate you? Did you make a wish on a star or some shit? Or even worse:
"DID YOU FALL INTO A JANITORIAL CLOSET AT SCHOOL THAT JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE A MAGIC GREEN PORTAL INTO THE NARUTO-VERSE?!"
(So that's what teachers do on breaks!!!)
So it's about time to accept the fact that either you are in some dream, or maybe you need to go to the rehab for that large amount of acid you've been taking over the past few months you have been trying to get the evil bishonen to fall for you...and failing miserably. So if it is a dream it must be a nightmare. Then again it could just be one really bad trip...

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A/N: (cynic) Did you like it? We meant to have 25, but spontaneous wanted to write the ending so now we have 26 facets of a kunoichi that should not be tried in any case whatsoever. Please review, and if you flame us…there are many other ways of torturing fangirls, you will find out. (Smiles.)

Spontaneous here again. Did you enjoy the grilling? Yes, I had to have an ending like that. It just seemed to need it in my head. I do wish you would review. You don't want me to stalk you in Randall's. I will. Mind you. So…please review. Or else. (Evil smile)