Draco blinked awake, shielding his eyes from the blinding morning sun. Sitting up, he brushed the hay off of his tunic. Wait, hay? Tunic?! Draco jumped up, scowling confusedly at the haystack he'd been snoozing in. Where am I? A little afraid of what the answer might be (was this another one of Crabbe and Goyle's pranks?), Draco squinted at his bright surroundings. There were horses, lots of dun horses, and chickens. A short girl with red hair was singing - yes, singing - in the middle of the field. Swaying back and forth melodically, she repeated a high-pitched melody relentlessly.
Straightening his gauntlets ('cause he had those now, apparently), he strode purposefully toward her.
"You there, girl!" He waved toward her, still walking. She didn't pause. "Hey, listen to me!" He tripped over a chicken, falling in a tremendous heap. "Oof." Then the chickens started attacking him.
"WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!" He demanded, springing up and running in circles as hordes of chickens pursued him, pecking relentlessly and squawking death-threats.
The girl in the field halted in her song, giggled annoyingly, and walked several steps closer, watching.
"HELP ME." Draco yelled. "MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS."
"You'll have to go inside a building or leave the ranch for them to stop chasing you." She snickered, smiling irksomely.
Draco hared toward the nearest building and darted inside, slamming the door behind him. His chest heaving, he looked around. It was fairly quiet in here, apart from some background music a few cows' moos; There were several plump ones housed in stalls here. Better than chickens, he decided, leaning against the nearest wall and crossing his arms stubbornly.
The ginger-haired girl trotted in a few moments later,
"Sorry about those chickens," She laughed, "They don't like visitors."
"You don't bloody say." Draco mumbled, shooting her a glare. "Where am I? And what's with this ridiculous hat?!" His long, forest-green, pointed hat hung down behind him.
She giggled again. "Lon Lon Ranch, of course! Are you okay, Link?" Draco's brow furrowed. He opened his mouth to say something, then stopped. Link? Who in the world is -
"Nevermind," She continued, "I forgot to tell you that a message arrived for you this morning." She fished a paper from her dress pocket.
"Huh?"
"It's from Hyrule castle, looks pretty important too!"
He eyed her suspiciously before the snatching the note from her fingers, skimming it. Link, blah, blah blah, come meet me, blah, blah, blah, save Hyrule, yadda, yadda, signed, Princess Zelda.
Princess? He grinned a little, mulling over this new development. Why not meet the princess? I might as well, since I'm here. And this ruddy girl doesn't seem to be much help.
"Great." He said, looking up and faking a smile, "Where can I find her?"
Draco doubled over, exhausted from an entire day and night's walk. He was bruised and cut, his hat still dangling annoyingly behind him. It had been a long trek, one filled with disturbing living skeletons (that he was apparently supposed to fight? He had a sword…), bizarre laughing specters that bore colorful lanterns, a disgustingly cheerful village filled with dancing peasants - mudbloods and muggle-borns, no doubt - and unwelcoming guards whose gazes followed him unwaveringly. Seriously. No matter where he went, their eyes followed.
This had better be worth it. He thought, glaring up at the castle turrets that now towered above him. He walked through the castle doors and found his way to the courtyard.
In the unnaturally green grass, a tall, elegant figure was being fussed over by several maids. She was wearing an ornate, pink and white dress with long silk gloves. Her hair was too curly to be tamed, but there were occasional, pretty braids running down her back. A maid was attempting to run a comb through it at the moment, actually.
Then she turned around.
"Hermione?!" Draco sputtered, brow furrowing. I travelled a day and a night to meet Hermione?! Hermione swung around to face him, her eyes alight with recognition,
"Draco? You're here too?"
Draco stalked over to where she was standing, his arms crossed in a huff, "Yeah. Wherever here is."
"I think," She said tentatively, "we're in a muggle video game."
"What the hell does that mean?!"
"One of my friends from primary school played it. Err - Zelda, I think it was called." She lowered her voice, "All of these people seem to think I'm Princess Zelda." She bit her lip.
"Well isn't that grand?" Draco threw up his hands, pacing now, not bothering to lower his voice. "They think I'm some sort of muggle video game hero called Link. Is everyone here a blithering idiot?!"
Hermione suppressed a grin a little smugly.
"What?" Draco stopped pacing, "What're you laughing about?"
"You look ridiculous in that hat."
"Oh, come off it."
At that moment, a strange little fairy zoomed out of nowhere, bobbing annoyingly close to Draco's face. He swatted at it, only to realize a moment later that this wasn't just any fairy - this was a Peeves the Poltergeist fairy. Draco made a "tch" sound of disgust.
"Hey, listen!" Chirped the Peeves Fairy.
"I'd have to be mad to listen to you, Peeves." Draco said, glaring at the fairy (much to Hermione's amusement). But the fairy wouldn't stop. It chased him all around the yard, and as much as he rolled and grunted and played his ocarina (yes, he had one of those too), it wouldn't stop.
"Fine." Draco hissed, finally doubled over and breathing heavily. All of that action had cost him two and a half hearts. "What is it, you idjit?"
"Dra - I mean Link," Peeves grinned wickedly, still bobbing around Draco's head, "that cloud over Death Mountain looks strange. You should check it out!" Before this, Draco had been too absorbed in his own actions to realize that there was, indeed, an alarming, ring-shaped cloud fixed over a nearby mountain peak.
He trudged over to Hermione, muttering a strand of foul curse words, and finally spoke. "Do - you - think -" He forced out every word grudgingly. "that - I - have - to - play - this - ruddy - game - to - get - us - out?!"
Hermione opened her mouth to say something, thought better of it, and remained silent, looking at Draco with a sorry face. Draco cursed at the Peeves Fairy directly, this time. Then at Death Mountain. Then, for good measure, at the universe in general.
Then he snatched up Hermione's wrist and tugged her, stumbling over her dress, toward the courtyard's exit. "C'mon." He spat, scowling, "We're going to 'Death Mountain'."
"OUCH!" Draco yowled, picking himself up, "THAT WAS BLOODY PAINFUL!"
He'd never thought that when he approached Death Mountain he'd be encountering giant beasts practically made from rock. And not only that, they seemed bound and determined upon bowling him over. He rounded on Hermione, shoving an accusatory finger very near her face.
"Granger! You're a know-it-all. Tell me what these things are!"
She colored slightly, "Er, I'm not really sure. I've never played The Legend of Zelda before."
"And that's another thing!" Draco ranted, throwing up his hands, "Why is this game named after you? Link - no, I - am the one doing all the work! The least they could do for him is give me the bloody title."
Hermione crossed her arms, trying very hard to look serious, while all the while suppressing a fit of giggles. Draco was a little pathetic at the moment. Oh, how she wished she had a wizard camera. She'd show the moving photo of him fuming on Death Mountain to all of Gryfindo-
"Ah! This one doesn't seem to be attacking!" Draco exclaimed, tearing her from her thoughts. A large, sandy-colored rock creature was standing by a cave entrance. Upon examining the sign posted near it, Hermione learned it was called "Dodongo's Cavern".
"'Scuse me, er, sir." Draco said, tapping the giant creature on the shoulder. "What in God's name are you? What is this place?"
"I'm a Goron." He answered, glaring down at the two of them. "And this is the entrance to Dodongo's cavern. If you're going to try going in there and vanquishing the evil spirits residing there, though, you'll definitely be needing a shield."
Draco kicked the rock wall. "WHY. DIDN'T. ANYONE. TELL. ME. THAT. BEFORE. I. CLIMBED. THE. MOUNTAIN?!"
Two days later, Draco and Hermione returned with what Draco had dubbed "the most stupid shield he'd ever laid eyes on". He was now covered in grass stains and had equipped his new, tiny, wooden shield.
Hermione and Draco entered the cavern. Not too long after, a chute of lava erupted in front of them. Hermione screamed, and reflexively, Draco held up his shield -
- And it burned to ash.
"I HATE EVERYTHING." Draco declared as the Peeves Fairy bounced around him with a new chant, "Your shield burned up! You can't hope to survive here without one! You'd better go and buy a new one…
Hastily, Hermione snatched up a nearby pot and stuffed Peeves inside, laying it on the ground upside down so that he wouldn't be able to escape. Draco looked as though he could've kissed her.
"Thank you, you do something useful."
Professor Snape woke from his dream, staring disgustedly at the ceiling for several moments. Having bizarre dreams about students in muggle games was probably not a good thing. He had to remember to cut back on the pumpkin tarts before bed.