"Sex toys," Jonnatton said in one of his more bizarre non sequiturs of the afternoon, "opinions etcetera?"
Ned and Rufus looked like all their Christmases had come at once.
"You can see this website, right? Where they get girls and strap them into these harnesses and fuck them with different machines and shit? It is well fucking Pablo," Ned grinned while Rufus sniggered into his tea.
Jonnatton looked vaguely interested and half inclined his head towards Ned.
"Yeah... but girls stuff well mainstream, innit? You get Cosmo and Sex in the City talking about girls doing themselves all the time," Rufus chimed in eagerly, earning a glare from Ned and a nod of what could be approval from Yeah?
Jonnatton looked up and held up a hand, palm outwards, in front of him.
"Men's sex toys... we'll make it a feature," he said looking into the middle distance, before turning to look straight at Dan, "You can write it, Ashcroft," he said cruelly, "5000 words by next week."
Dan stared back blankly and left the conference table abruptly.
"We can call a supplier, get them to give us a mission statement or whatever," said Yeah? idly, seemingly unfazed by Dan's sudden departure, "If they have any business sense, they'll want the publicity."
~-~-~-~-~-~-
The next day, he came home from the pub, slightly the worse for wear, to Jones sitting on the floor surrounded by boxes, holding a dildo in each hand.
"Is there anything you need to tell me, mate?" Jones asked him from his spot on the floor
"What?" asked Dan, shrugging his coat off and staring at the boxes
"This lot came for you, half hour ago, I had to sign for it,"Jones gestured widely, indicating the cluttered room, "Possibly not the best decision I ever made, in hindsight," he went on.
"There's a letter with it," he said, holding up a brown oblong towards Dan.
Dan took it and tore it open, tearing the corner of the letter inside slightly in his haste.
"Dear Mr. Ashcroft,
On behalf of the board of Toys for Hard Men, I would like to thank you for your recent email...."
What!
After this it only got worse:
"complimentary selection of our more popular items.... list of detailed instructions.... interested in hearing how you get on.... customer reviews...."
Dan hit the wall with considerable force, causing particles of dust and plaster to fall around him, like snow.
"Watch it!" Jones said anxiously, "Don't bring the bloody roof down on yourself"
Dan laughed bitterly.
"And what a way to go; trapped in a pile of rubble and dildos. There's one for fucking Jonnatton to read out at my funeral, 'he died as he lived, surrounded by a load of cocks.' Jesus!"
Dan opened one of the boxes at random and groaned.
"This is my fucking job? I'm writing about butt plugs and fucking nipple clamps, for God's sake! You know, I've sold out more doing this shit than if I'd been writing about whether coriander or basil would better compliment a Spanish omelette, I really have," he kicked the box and sat down on the couch heavily.
Jones sidled up cautiously and looked down at him.
"Dan? This might not be the best time, but I just found a PVC nurses outfit for blokes, and I'm having it," he said, sounding totally serious.
Dan took his head out of his hands and looked up in bewilderment at Jones' grin. He kept a straight face for all of two seconds before he started giggling helplessly.
"This is one of the beautiful moments in life that we should treasure," Jones said, sitting down next to Dan, while looking over the myriad of sex aids.
"What am I supposed to do with them?" Dan asked incredulously.
"Well, Claire's birthday is coming up," Jones nudged him, smiling widely.
Dan shoved him playfully and they wrestled briefly on the couch.
"I need a drink," Dan said tiredly, flopping back on the seat.
Jones nodded and disappeared into the kitchen, reappearing moments later with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
"We haven't any clean glasses," he said sitting back down and unscrewing the top, "You don't have a mouth ulcer or anything, do you?" he asked casually, passing the bottle over.
Dan took it and drank deeply.
"I have a touch of the black plague, but I'm sure you'll be fine," he said, passing the bottle back.
"That's alright then, so long as I don't get a cold sore. Those bastards hurt."
~-~-~-~-~-~-
Half way through the bottle, the situation was looking significantly less awful and more hilarious by the second. Dan stood up carefully, while the room tipped sideways underneath his feet, and fell over after three steps. He lay on the ground laughing for a while, before crawling over to where a glossy paper booklet was lying on the floor.
"Says here, all purchases come with batteries," he said, squinting at the fine text.
"Better than running through a flat-share half naked at one o clock in the morning to raid the dvd remote," Jones giggled.
"Why are there all different kinds?" Dan asked, digging through the boxes, "I mean, look at this one," he held up a glittery pink phallus, "S'just ridiculous. It looks like it has some kind of glam rock STD."
"I like it," Jones smiled and plucked it out of Dan's hands, "Nuffink wrong with glitter."
He smiled and crawled over to Dan and looked over his shoulder into the box.
"Oh my God," he said and practically dove into the box, emerging with a nine inch navy dildo.
Closer inspection revealed a union jack printed on the base.
"How you is this one?" Jones asked happily, thrusting it into Dan's hands.
"Now there's a phrase I never thought I'd hear in relation to sex toys," Dan said, looking at the thick shaft and testing the weight experimentally in his hands.
Jones screwed up his face and stuck out a pointed pink tongue.
"It is though!" he insisted drunkenly, "Utilitarian, manly, British. It has you written all over it!" Jones slurred excitedly.
"So, for the purposes of this comparison, does that make you the glam rock one?"
From the look on Jones' face, this was the most complimentary thing that could possibly be said.
"Genius!"
Dan looked away in embarrassment, when something caught his eye.
"Dear God, do people really get tartan dildos?"
"That's my thermos, Dan," Jones said, before collapsing with laughter again.
~-~-~-~-~-~-
" 'A premium quality leather ball gag harness featuring adjustable head and neck straps and a luxury solid rubber ball. A fine example of a ball gag harness with a very sensible price tag.' Who writes this? This is someone's actual job, writing this. I tell you Dan, if that doesn't give you a bit of perspective, nothing will," Jones looked up from the catalogue.
Dan was sorting all the different lube sample pouches he'd been sent
"Raspberry, banana, kiwi, curry? Oh, they're just taking the piss, they must be," he said, sniffing the corner of the orange sachet.
Jones stood up shakily and started pulling off his clothes.
"Steady on, Jones!" Dan exclaimed.
"I want to try on me nurses uniform," Jones said, through the material of his shirt.
Dan squirmed uncomfortably as Jones' pale body was uncovered and clothes were idly thrown aside. He noticed a loose thread in the waistband of his superman pants and fought the urge to tug it free. Jones pulled the skimpy black outfit over his head and straightened the skirt carefully.
"What do you reckon?" he asked, twisting the hem in his hands.
It was the classical "naughty nurse" outfit, but designed to fit a man's body. It stretched obscenely over Jones' womanly hips and round arse, and gaped at the front, revealing small pink nipples.
"It's a bit more Darth Vader than sexy nurse, isn't it?" Dan said the first thing that came into his head, after a too long moment of silence.
Jones pulled a face and held up his glittery pink dildo.
"Fancy a lightsabre duel?" he asked, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth.
Dan grinned widely, picked up the navy dildo and came at Jones. Jones parried quickly, humming the sound of the lightsabre.
"We meet again," Dan said solemnly and tried to poke Jones in the middle, "When last we parted you were the teacher and I the student, but now I am the master!"
"Dan, don't get up yourself, mate," Jones laughed, sidestepping Dan, "It's not attractive."
"Right, that's it," Dan muttered, before lunging towards Jones and tickling him under the arms and on his ribs.
"Ah, no!" Jones squealed, "Please, mercy! I'll do anything!"
They fell backwards and Dan landed heavily on Jones. They tried to untangle themselves, but were laughing too hard for any huge degree of success. Dan turned to say something, and at the same time Jones moved his face to see up. Their lips glanced off each other softly. Dan pulled back in embarrassment and Jones giggled nervously.
"Hi," said Dan, unable to think of something, anything appropriate to say.
Maybe that had be the right thing to say though, because Jones smiled shyly from underneath him and replied,
"Hi," quietly.
Without meaning to, Dan reached up and cupped Jones' face gently. They tilted their heads, but neither of them leaned forward.
"Kiss me," Jones whispered.
That was all it took. Dan kissed him firmly and Jones' mouth opened to return his kisses eagerly. It was a surprisingly tender kiss to take place in a room full of sex toys. The ridiculousness of the situation set in and they broke apart laughing desperately.
"Is this weird?" Dan asked carefully.
"No, I don't think so," replied Jones, "Is this weird?" he ground his hips up into Dan's.
"Jones!" Dan gasped and rubbed his burgeoning erection into the smaller man's pelvis.
"I want you, Dan," said Jones, kissing and nipping at his neck, "Want you so bad."
Dan groaned as Jones wet mouth sucked at his jugular.
"I need to, I need a minute," he stuttered and lifted himself off his house-mate.
Jones lifted himself up on his elbows and looked at him anxiously.
"What's the matter?" he asked gently
"I don't want to... while I'm dressed, I..." Dan muttered, blushing.
Jones smirked and stood up, walking over to Dan and kissing him again. He started unbuttoning the taller man's shirt and pulling it off.
"That's very flattering, Dan," he smiled wickedly.
Dan scowled and allowed clever hands to unbuckle his belt and throw it in the corner. Jones started to take his role play outfit off, and Dan briefly considered asking him to leave it on. He decided against it, he wanted to feel all of Jones' skin against his, without the cheap PVC getting in the way. He finished taking off his trousers and socks by himself, and they were standing in front of each other in their pants. Not that they hadn't walked around in their pants in front of each other before, but this was unmistakably different.
He looked at Jones' lithe white body. The dark hair running from his navel to the waistband of his pants, the long lean muscles in his arms, the jutting bones just under the skin. His eyes were drawn to the straining bulge, barely contained by his pants. He started to get on his knees, but Jones held his arms.
"Hey, where you going?" he asked softly, before dragging Dan's face to his and kissing him slowly.
"Do you want to put your cock inside me?" he said into Dan's mouth, "Do you wanna fuck me, Ashcroft?"
"God yes," Dan muttered against Jones' lips, "Wanna fuck you so hard."
He wrenched Jones' underpants down to his knees and Jones kicked them off. Jones applied his hot little mouth to a nipple and Dan whimpered. Jones pinched and twisted the other nipple between his thumb and forefinger, while suckling on the first. After a while he swopped over and Dan shivered as the air cooled the spit on his wet chest. Jones detached from him with a cheeky grin and bent down to pick something out of one of the boxes.
" 'Perfect for erotic nipple play or worn as stylish nipple jewelry.' what d'ya reckon?" he said, holding up a set of clamps, connected by a fine chain.
"You dirty slut," Dan smiled, "Go on then. Technically, it counts as research."
Jones carefully clamped Dan's engorged nipples, with a look of intense concentration. Dan winced at the sharp pinch, before adjusting to the pain. Jones then put his hand on Dan's bulging erection and the duelling sensations were almost too much. A ragged moan escaped him and Jones looked smug. He started to tug at the waistband of Dan's pants.
"Come on, let's get these off you. I wanna see your cock, Dan. Want to see you all hard for me," Jones whispered into his ear.
"Jones, you're making me crazy," Dan moaned, "I need to get something."
He walked over to where he'd sorted the sachets of lube into careful little piles and grabbed a handful at random. Jones threw some cushions on the ground and lay down with his legs in the air. Dan kneeled between his legs and clumsily tore open one of the small packets, spilling half of it over his hands.
Frowning he emptied the rest of it into his palm and coated his fingers with it. He started to rub Jones' tight hole in small circular movements, before inserting one of his fingers and continuing his circling motions inside him.
"More," Jones said urgently.
Dan added a second finger next to the first and stretched Jones open a little further. He tore open a second packet of lube with his teeth and poured it onto his two fingers, before adding a third. Jones let out a sharp cry and he stopped suddenly, looking up at Jones, with concern.
"Well don't bloody stop!" Jones shouted at him.
Chastened, he began moving his fingers again, crooking them to hit the prostrate. Jones screamed with pleasure and started to buck his hips in time with Dan's fingers. Dan pulled out gently, ignoring Jones' noises of protest and wiped his fingers on his leg. He opened two packets of lube at once and liberally coated his penis with the slick fluid.
He put the blunt head between Jones' slippery cheeks and pushed in, burying himself to the hilt. He stayed still for one agonizing second until Jones started moving his hips again. He forgot everything else and just thrust in and out in time to some primal beat that sung through him. Maybe he was catching Jones' own brand of insanity. Jones made the most ridiculous faces as he lay writhing beneath Dan.
Noticing the neglected erection laying flat against Jones' stomach, Dan took it in his hand and pumped in time to his thrusts. The soft skin over the heated hardness beneath, slipped and shifted in his palm. The angry purple head was revealed and concealed over and over in close succession.
"Dan! Dan, I'm going to, oh Christ!"
Jones raised his torso off the floor and stiffened, before coming into Dan's closed fist. Dan watched the milky come spurt over his hand in fascination. He looked up at Jones' face and came inside him, staring into his blue eyes.
They lay panting, looking into each others' eyes, until Jones reached up and cradled Dan's face in his hands. Dan unconsciously leaned into the touch.
"Hi," said Jones quietly.
"Hi," Dan replied softly and pushed the hair out of Jones' face tenderly.
Jones leaned up and kissed Dan chastely on the lips. Dan kissed him back softly. Reluctantly, he pulled out of Jones, and sat back on his heels.
"We better clean up."
"That is the least romantic thing that's ever been said to me after sex, Dan. And I'm including, 'Would you like a crisp' in this," Jones teased him, smiling.
Dan kissed him again.