Chapter 1- Numb

Contrary to common belief, Hatter didn't regret letting her go. He didn't stop to wish, not even for a moment, that he had made her stay. If it was what she wanted, he had no place, no right, to stop her. He knew just because he loved her didn't mean she would love him back.

Even besides that, she had family in her world. It would have been far too selfish if he tried to force her to stay- he wouldn't have been able to live with himself knowing he had stopped her from following her heart. But that didn't stop him from missing her, and missing her made him quite, quite insane.

I'm sure you would be too, if there was someone so perfect who you loved more than anything else, but who didn't love you. Someone you had dreamed of for 13 years before they came back, and once you finally saw them again, they left.

When she was only 6 he had marveled at her curiosity and bold muchness, and the courtesy to others she was able to keep despite being headstrong. When she came a second time, he could hardly believe it.

There she was again in all her splendor, her curiosity still intact, and she was stunning. She had grown into a beautiful young woman, and he couldn't stop his heart from stirring at the sight of her. But something was wrong. He knew right away she was the right Alice- there was no other in his eyes- but she had grown much too small. Her muchness was gone. And he was determined to get it back.

He believed in her right from the start when no one else did, and he sacrificed his freedom for hers. When she went to Red Queen's palace to rescue him she already seemed so much stronger, and Hatter almost let himself believe that she might feel something for him, too.

Clearly she at least considered him her friend, and that was enough to make him happy. When he escaped execution and she greeted him outside White Queen's palace, she seemed so happy he wasn't dead, he dared to let himself believe that maybe, just maybe, she felt a little of what he felt for her, and though he fought hard to keep it down, he was ecstatic.

He didn't even care when she suggested he wasn't real- after all, she still hadn't remembered from the last time, and even if he was merely a dream, who's to say one cannot fall in love in a dream? He was just grateful he had the opportunity to feel how he felt for Alice.

It made him happier than he could have ever imagined just being close to her, and he didn't care whether or not he was real- his emotions were, and he had never felt so good.

Then, as she stood in shining silver armor, he stood at her side, feeding her confidence, convincing her nothing was impossible if only she believed in it. And once it was all over, she was presented with the blood of the vicious beast she had slain.

He still let himself dare to consider that maybe she felt the same as he did, but he had to know for sure. She had to make a choice, and he quietly- barely daring to hope- presented her other option,

"You could stay." Although he hadn't said it out loud, he was sure if she felt the same way that simple invitation would be enough to let her know he loved her, at least until he could get her alone. And then her reply,

"What an idea. A crazy, mad, wonderful idea." She smiled broadly, and he thought that was it- they could live happily together in Underland for the rest of time. Elation threatened to burst his heart. Could such a happy ending even exist in real life?

For just a few bittersweet seconds, he allowed himself to believe that it could. Then just as suddenly, before he could express his happiness, her face fell.

"But I can't." His heart froze in its tracks. "There are questions I have to answer, things I have to do." Of course. Had he forgotten? She had a family in her world, and a life she was just beginning.

No one in her world even knew where she was. Had he really thought she would just forget about the life she had made and all the people who cared about her? There was no way she could stay here and leave them in the dark.

"I'll be back again before you know it." She tried to sound hopeful, to appease him. She clearly couldn't tell he loved her, but she did know he would miss her, and she wanted to ease his pain until she came back. But he knew that was the end- Underland didn't need her anymore, and there's no way she would come back on her own, if only because-

"You won't remember me." He knew that to be true. Once she went back into her world, she would keep the confidence he had taught her to find, but she would only remember Underland as a dream, if at all.

Not that he blamed her for it- in a world such as hers, with no proof of Underland's existence; it would be all too easy for all the people around her to convince her it had been a fantastical dream.

The scratches on her arm could have been from thorns on her run through the woods, and her delusions were a result of the fall- she did hit her head. Her flight and outburst would be dismissed as stress from the surprise proposal. And yet still she pleaded otherwise,

"Of course I will! How could I forget?" With that, she quickly drained the jabberwocky blood. He wished her fairfarren, and once she had faded into nothing he called out to her, silently,

"How did you forget the last time?" And he knew he would never get an answer. Alice was gone, and she would never come back.

He spent his days dreaming of her- her long hair that fell across her shoulders like golden waves of the sea, crashing against shores he could not reach. Her eyes, so deep and brown, with different flecks and shades hidden deep in its depths like the secrets of a wild forest. Her skin, soft and warm like milky white snow, now as far away as the moon.

Being in love with Alice after she had left was the cruelest torture he had ever faced, and one he doubted he would be able to endure. He could see her so clearly in his mind's eye, yet when he reached out to touch her, he felt empty air close in around him.

He became so frustrated at her loss, the insanity he spent his life trying to suppress took over. He could see her and hear her gentle voice in his dreams, but he could not feel her- and even as he desperately sought her out with his imagination, he knew she wasn't really there, before him.

He didn't feel hurt or sad, but he suffered. Oh, how he suffered. His heart pained him so much he began to wish he knew how to pull himself apart. He wished he knew how to crush his rib cage and drag his still-beating heart from his chest into the open air. He wished he could split his skull open and claw out the searing frustration that grew stronger every day.

It was no wonder he crashed through his house on a daily basis, throwing, ripping, and destroying everything in sight. He had to have some outlet for it all- but no matter what he destroyed or how he screamed, it was never enough.

His agony haunted him and clouded his delicate sanity until he was far beyond hope of ever finding it again. Eventually, his emotions grew larger than human capacity could tolerate, and the Hatter grew numb. His destructive outbursts became small fits of rage, and the rest of his time he spent assuming his usual position at the head of the tea table, thoughtless and unfeeling.