Drabble One: Garbage
Characters/Pairings: Implied (probably more than that) Old Trancy/Alois, one-sided Alois/Claude
Summary: You can't be a victim if you were the instigator, Alois thinks, and he bites hard on his own tongue to justify his tears. Drabble series.
Warnings: Implied squick such as rape and underage sex, all that good stuff.
Notes: Based very, very loosely on Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. VERY loosely. I only mention this because in Nabokov's Lolita, Humbert described Dolores 'Lolita' as his seducer. Thus the name of this drabble. For this Alois is underage and apparently the seducer in this—though he's still very much a victim. I do not support underage sex in any way, shape or form…despite the fact I write implied work about it. (it's for the psychological factor and for Alois it's actually Canon). Ciel will also be included in some of these drabbles...simply because he's Ciel.
The first time was simply to ensure his own survival. That disgusting man was going to kill him, and no child wants to die. So he plasters a seductive smirk on his lips and hides the trembling, broken Jim inside of him and becomes Alois Trancy. He pretends that it feels good when filthy, flabby lips kiss up his leg and just smiles like he had planned it all along, like it was all according to his will.
Alois was an ostentatious name that suited the only child of a disgusting, pompous man (who rapedthatchild at night overandoverandover). He took to it like a fly to honey and devoured it whole, becoming someone that wasn't Jim and forgetting who Jim ever was at all. Alois is the only one here now, he thinks, and when it's late at night and all he can think of is Luca he reminds himself that Luca isn't his brother, Luca never knew Alois.
He knows better than to shout out any names and simply screams hoarsely, wordless noise that doesn't mean anything at all. None of it means anything at all.
Claude watches him with calculating eyes and Alois knows that the man doesn't care for him, could care less about his hopes and dreams so long as the revenge was completed and then the spider would take his soul. He knows that the demon thinks him repulsive but sometimes when it's late at night and he is lying in bed he pretends that Claude really does care for him, and the bite marks on his collarbone are from the demon-in-angel's-clothing instead. He closes his eyes and dreams that the body next to his own is that of Luca's.
You can't be a victim if you were the instigator, Alois thinks, and he bites hard on his own tongue to justify his tears.
He doesn't understand Ciel's appeal aside from their similarities but he wants to become the boy—wants to take the life that has been as harsh and miserable as his own and yet infinitely better—Ciel has taken so much for granted, he lost his parents and suffered at the hands of his captors but he has servants who love him and a fiancée that adores him. Even his demon butler Sebastian cares for him, even if it is because he wants his soul. Alois wishes that Claude would treat him like spun glass, instead of like a meal on the verge of spoiling.
He supposes that is his own fault though. He's darkened and black from the ashes he rose out of. His soul is disgusting and stained. But that's okay, he doesn't need it anyway. He doesn't need anything at all.
It hurts when Ciel stabs him but the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotions that twist him from the inside out. It's only proof of what he already knew, evidence of the thing he was trying to run from. He is useless, he is pathetic, and he can't stop the tears as they pour down his face and Claude is looking at him like he is nothing more than—
Everything changed after that and though he tried to deny it, Alois knows that everything is over. Jim is clawing inside of him and he screams at night, screams for Luca and screams for a savior and screams for the pain to stop, stop, stop you're hurting me pleasedon'ttouchmeanymore—
So when Claude betrays him and he hears Hannah calling him—that's okay, none of it means anything anyway. I don't need anything at all.
I'm just trash.