November 18th, 2008 (1:01 am)
It's not like she had purposefully left.
But she had, nevertheless.
It had to be her longest absense yet.
Raising a pale hand, she counted the months. July. August. September. October. November. Five months. Five long months.
She stood twenty feet from the front door of the mansion, picking at the plastic ring of the bottle in her hands.
Hasame, with hair a copperish red once again, but brushing the tops of her shoulders now, with blue eyes streaked with silver, not without bags under her eyes from irregular sleep patterns, with high cheek bones that curved inwards to a hollowed out look if she didn't eat for days on end, with the long slender fingers that would scale the piano with ease, who no longer bore the trademark black eyeliner heavy applied around her already sunken eyes, was as still as a statue, looking up at the top right window of the front of the familiar mansion she once called home. The same girl was wondering if she still could.
Things had happened. People left, people had come. Her attitude towards certain things had changed.
Whom she could trust, whom she couldn't. Whom she could laugh about certain topics with, whom she couldn't.
She learned how to talk to some people. Learned their ways of living.
Learned how she treated her friends.
She had grown up in those short months. She found she was learning too much about her friends. More than she ever wanted to know. And it was ruining their image for her. She was seeing them in a different light, one that she wished she could turn off.
She was growing tired of them. Something she hated herself infinitely for. For she was becoming exactly what she feared and hated.
She curled her toes inside her sneakers. Chewing the inside of her cheek to oblivion - and she didn't stop when she started to taste blood - , Hasame blinked hard, wriggling her cold nose in discomfort then took a few steps forward. About three to be exact.
A light flickered on in the dark room. A figure rose, and paced after a moment of contemplation.
A breeze picked up gently, rustling the still grains of sand on the ground.
The person turned off the light again. However, the light for the room next to it went on.
Hasame stopped chewing her cheek and stared, ignoring the few stray hairs sweeping into her face. She had learned to ignore it.
He was in her room.
There he was, standing by her window, facing to where her desk was. Hoped it still was. Above her desk, she had put up drawings she had completed. Maybe there were still a pile of uncompleted ones on the top right hand corner of the desk.
Gaara turned to gaze out the window to his right. Resting his palms on the sill, he let out a heavy sigh that seemed to come straight from his toes.
There were a few street lights glowing on the sandy roads in the village. The same as every night. Scanning it with tired, sleep-deprived yet restless eyes, he trailed slowly from one view of the horizon to the other, then came back down the middle, following the road that lead to the place in which he lived.
But something was different about tonight.
Something was.
Quickly, he did a double take as to the road he had just looked down upon. Just beyond the reach of the nearest streetlight, he could see the silhouette of a person standing there, staring at the house. Or at him.
Who in their right mind would be up at this ungodly hour, besides himself of course?
He frowned. He knew of only one other person.
The person took another few steps forward, and was bathed in the yellow glow of the light. Copper hair reflected under its beam.
He had a delayed reaction to what he was seeing.
".....Ah-." He cut himself off, seeing as saying what he wanted to aloud would be pointless.
Backing up from the window in shock, he debated between keeping his eyes glued to the person and racing downstairs to the outside.
Oh. Wait a minute.
He shoved the window upwards and jumped out the window.
Hasame's heart stopped for a second in paralyzed fear, then remembered who she was dealing with and relaxed.
Sand that was not possessed by the wind swirled around and quickly formed a platform, apparating beneath his feet and lead him gently down to the ground.
Suddenly, she realized she wasn't ready yet. She wasn't ready to face any of them yet. Especially not him. But she couldn't leave now. There he was, walking tentatively towards her, as if not believing what he was seeing, and very likely that is what he was thinking. If she left now, she'd probably regret it for a very long time.
Looking around feverishly, she spotted a tiny plant, a flower, really, growing through the cracks of the dry land. She recognized it and froze before bending over to pick it. She forgot it's scientific name, latin or something, but remembered what she called it.
Desert rose.
Raising those fierce bright eyes, those eyes he couldn't ever forget, those that had been burned into his retinas for all those weeks, those months, the ones he couldn't get off his mind no matter what he did, Gaara stopped at the edge of the circle of light. He saw what she had in her hand. And smiled.
For the first time in a long time.
"I know it's a little unorthodox, seeing as it's usually the boy who gives the girl a flower, but what can I say? I'm unorthodox."
She extended her hand and held the tiny flower delicately between her two fingers and her thumb. He could see the petals trembling.
"Hasame..."
What could he say? Where were you? What took you so long? Why the hell didn't you come back earlier? How come you look different but still look the exact same as when you disappered? Could he just yell blindly at her, let her know how angry, how mad, how furious, how pissed off he was at her, to just rage until he was drained completely? Or could he just let that strange overwhelming feeling wash over him, the one that came over Hasame days before she left, surrendered to tears and utter sadness?
She put her arm down and the look that came over her face was like a punch in the gut for him.
"Gaara- I'm....I just..."
She couldn't get the words out. The words hovered above them, both knowing what it is, but neither admitting it. I'm sorry.
A hand took hers gently, and pried the flower from her cold fingers. She watched him admire it for a moment, then, never taking his eyes off the pink, white and red flower, tucked it in the long tresses, running his fingers through the curious feel of her red hair.
I missed you.
November 18th, 2008
She had gone home right after that night. She still felt awkward in the house.
Not something she ever thought she'd feel. He didn't insist she stay. He just seemed to know...Or possibly could feel the uncomfortableness radiating from her.
But she came back soon after sunset.
Hasame didn't want Temari and Kankurou to know she was back. She didn't exactly leave on a good note. She wanted to just...slowly, ease into their lives.
Gaara would stand in her bedroom window, waiting for her to appear just out of reach of the streetlamp's ray of light in the dark street. And when she did, he grinned, and did the same thing as the night before.
She was quieter. More serious maybe. There was this gentle sort of smile on her face, and it never faltered. It didn't disappear while they walked and talked, it didn't grow either. She talked when spoken to, and she didn't go into incredible detail, something she was notorious for, about anything.
She told about how she met someone, her feelings about her, her worries about her, how they got together, (She then chuckled lightly at something. "What is it?" Gaara asked, looking at her as she shook her head. "I just remember something she said. She had asked me 'Are we exclusive?' and I answered yes right away with great enthusiasm, but then I asked 'What does exclusive mean?'") and her worries again at that.
It was quiet again as they scuffled along through the winding streets. She was fiddling with her fingernails, picking at them absentmindedly. He glanced at her briefly, but then saw the smile was gone. Completely.
"What's wrong?" He asked, wondering if he should stop walking, but she didn't, so he continued in pace with her. She did not answer at first. Sighing, she ran her fingers through her hair. God it had gotten long. It was still shaggy and uneven, but it looked well brushed, and it just touched her shoulders in some places. This must have been the longest he had ever seen it since he knew her. The radiant colour from it just seemed to give off its own light in the night.
"Do you......Remember...." She started quietly, almost murmuring, "What...we decided. A few nights before I..." He saw her mouthe the word 'left', but he didn't manage to hear it, the wind had swept away her voice before it reached his ears. He nodded, not taking his eyes off her.
"I said to not let anyone get close to you. Ever again." He said at the same level of quietness she spoke with. He remembered it quite clearly. She nodded, and didn't speak again. Gaara didn't know how to react. She had. But...
"I want to trust her." She said abruptly. He looked at her again. "I want to...She's different....But how many times have I said that?" She muttered, chewing on her lip, "I've told her about my trust issues...I told her about how I made that promise (and promptly broke it, it seems)...I told her about Rita, and told her about my worries and fears. About people leaving me. But knowing the cause, I think."
"You think?"
Hasame's silver-blue eyes flickered around the area, as if she was looking for something, then laid eyes on Gaara's pale face in the yellowing street light. Her eyes softened.
"Yeah. I think people leave me because I don't trust them more than I should. It's the only logical explanation I have. Just thought of it today in religion class." She gave a little shake of her head and looked in front of her again, walking in a way he hadn't noticed before. Quite the opposite of the way she would walk normally. Smooth, fluid steps instead of sturdy and stomping steps. (stomping, yes, but he almost could never hear her walking down the halls). "I know that humans need to have trust in order to get along in life, and if I do not trust someone completely, they will feel the need to search for someone else who will trust them." She fiddled with her nails again, staring into space, "She's never given me a reason not to trust her. Only reasons to."
They didn't speak for a very long time. Gaara was staring at the moon in mild interest. It was so bright this night.
Quiet humming sounded next to him. He blinked and looked around to Hasame. Her eyes glazed over, her face impassive, she was humming a song to herself, a song he hadn't heard before.
"What's that?" He asked, lifting a chin at her to indicate the humming. She raised her eyebrows a tiny bit at him, and gave a short smile.
"Memories, sharp as daggers
Pierce into the flesh of today
Suicide of love take away all that matters
And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart
With the venomous kiss you gave me, I'm killing loneliness
With the warmth of your arms, you saved me
Oh I'm killing loneliness with you
Killing loneliness that tears my heart into two
I'm killing loneliness."
He watched her sing softly, all what power she had slowly been gaining over the months previous, disappeared.
She stopped after the chorus, seeming as if she didn't want to continue. The corner of her mouth twitched, and she slide her tongue over the dried lips discreetly.
"That song I discovered a few hours before Oliver died." The teenager said just above a whisper, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jeans. Gaara stopped walking and looked at the ground at his feet. Hasame did too, a few paces ahead of him.
"Hasame."
She turned around to look at him with a face that was indescribable. He continued to stare at the dirt for a moment then raised his head to gaze at her.
"Come back home. Please?"
She blinked in confusion at him, then turned around on the spot to see the mansion looming over them. Hasame was surprised she hadn't noticed it. It looked bigger than she ever remembered.
Sensing something behind her, she twisted back to see Gaara holding out a hand, staring expectantly, almost pleadingly at her. Pleadingly? That wasn't like him. His hand trembled ever so slightly, just like hers had the night before.
Giving another tiny smile, she took it and lead him towards the Kazekage mansion.
Waking up to see that everything is okay
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Hasame passed over the threshold of the front entrance, now allowing Gaara to lead her around.
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazing
I think about the little things that make life great
"Where're we going?" She asked, and he shot her a glance, then gently gave a tug on her hand, indicating she trust him to walk her to their destination.
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
First, there was the kitchen. It looked the same as always. Hasame stared around, drinking in the familiar smell of the cooking space. Before Gaara lead her back out, she spotted the lightswitch. It was clean, no blood smear.
This innocence is brillant, I hope that it would stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away
They rounded about to the living room, and she remembered the evenings when they watched 24 on those hot July nights. Where they had tricked Temari into thinking they were an item. She gave a light laugh, and Gaara looked at her contently.
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
"Re-remember when, I made that big domino pattern?" Hasame laughed to herself quietly, looking at the long stretch of carpet. Gaara nodded, giving a crooked sort of smile at the memory. "You weren't very happy that I was still wrapped up in your black sheet."
I found a place so safe not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
"And the one time where you were freaking over 24. Even though you could very easily rewind it as you had it on disk." Gaara grinned slightly, and Hasame nodded.
Feel calm I belong I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
"Heh...The mouse." Muttered Hasame, and shot him a grin. Gaara felt his skin prickle at the memory.
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
He took her hand again, a bit more firmly this time, and pulled her in front of him, nudging her up the stairs.
This innocence is brillant, I hope that it would stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away
They passed the bathroom. Hasame recalled the many nights where she had terrible bouts of the flu or the common cold. How Gaara always managed to find her and come to her aid when she was so stubborn about not needing help, but would succumb to his helping hands.
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
She saw into Gaara's bedroom briefly. Remembering all the nights she would spend there, having to use his clothes sometimes, or sneaking in there to jolt him awake in the dead of night. Then there were times where she intented on talking to him, but ended up falling asleep, and somehow ended up in her own room, or would stay there.
It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
"Close your eyes." Came his voice behind her ear, and she obliged. There was the sound of sliding bamboo wood door, the crackling of rice paper and the quiet footsteps of their own feet on the wooden floor. She had the urge to stick her arms out in front of her as not to bump into anything, but she trusted that he would not allow her to.
It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry
"Now open them."
It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry
Everything. It was still there. Everything was in it's place. Hasame felt the wave of nostalgia hit her like a monsoon.
The bed, the dresser, the drawings on the walls, the drawing table, and even her pile of dirty laundry. The clothing strewn out of the dresser drawers, her old text books from the year previous in school were stacked by the door. Something tugged on her heart, and her throat tightened up.
Gaara gently squeezed her hand and let it go slowly, taking a step back from her to give some room. Room to soak up the memories.
This innocence is brillant, it makes you want to cry
This innocence is brillant, please don't go away
She took a few tentative steps to her bed, reaching out with shaking fingers. Touching the edge of the blanket, she kneeled forward onto the mattress, and sat down, bringing the sheets to her face and inhaled deeply. It smelled...Like home. She buried her face in the sheets for she felt tears welling up against her will.
'Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
It smelled like something else. She recognized it instantly. Lifting her head to reveal tears streaming down her cheeks to look at him. He looked worried for a moment, but when he saw the smile of pure bliss on her face, he relaxed.
This innocence is brillant, it's so beautiful
This moment is perfect, please don't go away
"You slept here, didn't you?" She asked, choking back a sob building up in her thoat. The shuffling of his feet was all the answer she needed. Quickly, she hopped off the bed and had wrapped her arms around him, still gripping the sheets in her fists, hugging him tightly. He didn't even bother to hesitate at the contact.
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
"God I missed it here." Hasame said.
Don't you let it pass you by