~ drained and defeated ~
Angel T. 376

His heavy footfalls echoed like thunder down the empty halls of Wolfram & Hart as he made his way slowly to his sleeping chambers. No one was here. No one but him, all alone with his thoughts. He stumbled, exhausted, and collapsed onto the hard marble floor.

Being human wasn't as good as he thought it would be. Not nearly.

Angel had figured out, over hard trial and error, that dreams should just be that.

Dreams.

It was true that in the old days the promise and surreal bliss of perhaps becoming human had been what pushed him to keep helping the helpless. The idea of a heart inside his chest thumping away, the feel of it beating in his veins, the taste of food, the sparkling sunlight playing along his skin... all those things had carried him onwards through the blinding darkness when there had been no hope.

But now that he was human, the world in all its Hellish fire and flame seemed worse than it ever had before. Every night he went out to help the helpless, every morning he returned with the knowledge that optimism was foolish in this new abyss of a world.

As a vampire he had always seen a little bit of a chance at winning, or at least making a difference, in the battle. It hadn't been much. It hadn't really been anything at all. But that tiny sliver of chance had given Angel a reason to hope... now he didn't see any possible way of even making a dent in this fight.

In his mind, the war ended when it began.

He felt drained of the will to fight, like every blow he dealt was useless. Every move he made was foreseen before he made it. Nothing he did mattered anymore and the weight of humanity dragged him down.

His bones ached with the weariness of the human heart. Sleep tugged at his mind and tried to pull him under with soft caresses. Food was scarce and the long nights often left him hungrier than he had ever been before. He was fatigued and drowning in defeat.

Being human wasn't as good as he thought it would be...

It was a hard lesson, but he learned it.

first draft: 10-11-08

revisions: 10-26-09 & 6-25-12