"And she was so hot too," Seijuro sighed, laying his head down onto the cafe table. "I guess it's my fault though. Maybe I'm scum."
"I would say so," Sousuke agreed before taking a sip of his coffee.
They had managed to become acquaintances through Rin some time ago, but their budding friendship halted due to a few months of not seeing each other. After running into each other at a Samezuka culture festival (both being invited by Momotaro), they decided to catch up and keep in touch.
Sousuke half-regretted this for two reasons: One - Seijuro turned out to be the type to complain about his overactive love life. Which was annoying because most of his romantic problems were self-caused. Two - Sousuke sometimes found himself thinking 'dump all these girls and settle down with me,' which he hated himself for. He wished he could explain it, or pinpoint the exact detail, but there was just something about Seijuro that made others easily fall for him. With Seijuro being bi and what Sousuke would label a borderline sex addict, it was very simple for his romantic endeavors to turn into a juggling act he couldn't keep up with.
He and Sousuke were actually the first few people to come out to each other, discussing the troubles of being bisexual in Japanese society, but Sousuke quickly found that's where their sexual similarities ended.
Seijuro was kinky and just loved love, spreading and receiving it from anyone and almost everyone who was willing (and there were plenty of willing people). Sousuke simply wanted to find someone who he could quietly spend the rest of his life with.
"But then again, he's just so hot too," Seijuro contemplated, digging out his phone to look at a couple of pictures. "They're both too good. Why can't I have both?"
Sousuke rolled his eyes then kicked Seijuro underneath the table. "Why are you like this? Huh? You give people like us a bad name!"
"I know," Seijuro groaned, rubbing his thumb over a photo of the girl he was no longer with. "But I can't help it…"
He turned off his phone, not allowing himself to be subjected to the pain of heartbreak. Another sigh as he looked out the glass walls of the cafe, watching crowds pass by on the street. A thoughtful blink.
"Do you think I should try dating Isao-kun?" Seijuro eventually asked, not making eye contact with Sousuke. "I mean, aside from the awesome sex, we've had some pretty good conversations. Maybe Kameko-chan wasn't the one to start out with? Maybe I should've just been dating Isao-kun all along?"
"Date whoever you're not going to cheat on, I guess," Sousuke said with a furrowed brow.
He wasn't prepared for the half-lidded look that Seijuro then threw his way. It felt chock full of words that Sousuke was afraid to assume he understood. So he choked out a, "Wh-what?"
"I'm not technically dating him yet," Seijuro said.
"Isao-kun?" Sousuke asked, licking his suddenly dry lips.
"Yeah," Seijuro dragged the word out for what felt like a little to long. "Do you want to try something out?"
This decision Sousuke knew almost immediately he full-regretted. He woke up in the hotel floating on a bed of nothing but regret and self-hatred. He pitied himself partially for being another fly caught in Seijuro's invisible web of seduction. He had fallen for a predator and despite being fully aware of that, he'd let himself get gobbled up. All he could hope was that he wouldn't get spit out and abandoned like so many others who had walked in and out of Seijuro's heart.
The red phone on the nightstand buzzed and Sousuke found it hard to not glimpse at the message while his partner from the previous night remained asleep.
"Subject: Honey~
From: Isao-kun~
Message: Good morning, darling~~ what happened last night? We were supposed to see each other?"
Sousuke wanted to puke.
Sousuke appreciated that Seijuro rarely ever talked about that night. Once while they were getting fast food, the redhead had made an offhanded joke about Sousuke's blowjob skills, but he never again did anything of the sort after seeing how uncomfortable it made the younger man.
Every now and then, whenever Seijuro had something particularly exciting or troubling to talk about, he would visit Sousuke at his home so they could go for a light run and talk. Sousuke's family had also fallen susceptible to Seijuro's indescribable charm, accepting him fairly quickly and treating him kinder than any of Sousuke's other friends.
"I'm really thinking about dropping out," Seijuro said as they jogged through the brunet's neighborhood.
"Again?" Sousuke asked, remembering them having a similar discussion quite a few times.
"More like still," Seijuro explained. "But now I think I'm really settling on body modification."
"Being honest," Sousuke said. "I thought you were joking about becoming a tattoo artist when you first told me. Does that seem like such a great idea?"
"I don't know," Seijuro admitted with a shrug. "It's just... keeping up with my studies and swimming is becoming more difficult and it's kind of like, if I don't see this as worth it then maybe I need to rethink some things, y'know?"
"I understand," Sousuke said after a pause even though he didn't, or at least, not completely. Seijuro had been so talented and passionate when it came to swimming. He couldn't see him doing anything else. Not to mention, Sousuke had thought Seijuro was past the point of having a career-dilemma. But after having these sort of thoughts, Sousuke always returned to the conclusion that Seijuro's life wasn't Sousuke's to judge or rule. So he would support whatever Seijuro settled on doing as long it was rational, he put all his heart into it, and it made him happy.
"I feel like I'm just talking about myself," Seijuro laughed. "How're things going at your dad's shop?"
"Alright, I guess," Sousuke replied. "I'm a little bored though. Rin said I should really think about going for that massage therapist thing."
"I agree. I've already said that's a good idea!"
"If I'm gonna do it, I suppose I should do it soon, huh?"
"Yeah, you should seriously go for it! Hey, hey, once you do, I can get some free massages, right?"
"Sure, but I'll have to charge you."
"That defeats the whole purpose, idiot!"
"You're the idiot, idiot!"
I'm the idiot, Sousuke thought to himself as he sat at that same cafe table they flocked to during their meet-ups. He knew it was wrong, but seriously had a hard time not glancing through Seijuro's phone as the older boy stood at the counter, ordering their drinks.
"Subject: None
From: Isao-kun~
Message: I miss you let's see each other this weekend okay? ;)"
"Subject: None
From: Miki-chan
Message: Yeah, I don't think I really want to I won't if you don't want me to…"
Curious about what 'if you don't want me to' was referencing, Sousuke speed-scrolled through their messaging conversation. From what he read before returning the phone to the exact position its owner left it in, Miki appeared to be a girl who Seijuro had been talking to in a friendly manner. Their more recent texts were the first to come off as romantic in any sort of way. Small talk about exams and friends had drifted into a playful back-and-forth about Miki not attending a group blind date.
Seijuro happily brought over Sousuke's usual drink to a very heavy-hearted Sousuke.
"I messed up again," Seijuro confessed to Sousuke over the phone. Sousuke couldn't see it, but Seijuro sat in his college dorm room, staring at the ceiling with dried up tears streaking down his face. "I'm just so messed up with quitting school and changing everything. It's hard to keep up with it all, you know? But I don't mean to hurt anyone. I love them, I really do."
"What did you do?" Sousuke asked calmly, throwing away the dust he swept up before changing the shop sign from OPEN to CLOSED.
"I had sex with this girl I've been talking to," Seijuro said, hitting himself on the head directly afterwards. "I'm so stupid! Things were going so well with Isao-kun, but now I feel like scum again."
"Seijuro…"
"I don't know why I do this shit, man," Seijuro half-laughed in a way that made his words sink. "I literally can't do anything right. Every aspect of my life, I fuck up. I'm a joke, so much that I'm even laughing at myself."
"Don't say that," Sousuke snarled, sitting on the counter and putting his head in his hands. He wondered if Seijuro's other friends also found the ups and downs of the Mikoshiba boy to be this exhausting. "You're just a little lost right now. I know the feeling all too well, okay? You just have to step back and figure some things out. Otherwise, you'll lose yourself to what others want."
"You mean Isao-kun's wants or Miki-chan's?" Seijuro asked, already feeling slightly more at peace, but somehow at the time, even more confused.
"Both. And your parent's," Sousuke explained. "And society's. Everyone's. Take some time to picture your future and what it looks like. Maybe not your exact job or the exact person you're with, but like, what traits those things have."
They stayed on the phone for a few minutes, just listening to each other breathe. Seijuro calmed down and really gave his life some thought while Sousuke stressed out over the sound of Seijuro just being there. Just the noise of his existence twisted Sousuke into more knots than he'd ever understand. Those minutes were painful moments of Sousuke trying to picture a life with someone other than the redhead. Whether Sousuke took over his father's business, or became a masseuse, or a office worker, or anything, no matter what, any lover he pictured by his side was nothing in comparison to Seijuro.
The silence finally crashed into Seijuro's husky laugh and ripping reply:
"It's weird, my future always has you there."
Seijuro was busy cooking breakfast for himself and Sousuke as the brunet sat on Seijuro's futon. They were lazing about in the studio apartment the older boy shared with a good friend. The two left the same college for different reasons, but happily roomed together regardless. His roommate had a girlfriend who he often visited, leaving the small space for Sousuke and Seijuro to share. Sousuke texted Rin about the troublesome feelings he was experiencing, a bit guilty that he was bothering his best friend with such trivial things while Rin was preparing for some very important races. But still best friends wouldn't be best friends if they didn't put up with your crap all while laughing.
Due to Seijuro's mischievous ways and past failed relationships, Rin originally discouraged Sousuke from pursuing the drop-out, which Sousuke had assured him was never happening anyways. But Sousuke's feelings towards Seijuro were so persistent that Rin figured Sousuke should just go for it. What he left out though was that he thought Sousuke should just go for it, get his heart broken, thus ending this saga and allowing Rin to do the "I was right" dance.
Sousuke had a hard time putting it into words, but "going for it" wouldn't feel right. Seijuro had reluctantly broken up with Isao, giving the other man a relatively hidden and vague reason why. Miki hadn't contacted Seijuro after they had sex and Seijuro deleted her from his phone along with several other exes and flings.
Sousuke knew Seijuro was pretty much sticking to casual sex exclusively with women at the moment and something about Sousuke asking Seijuro out would feel like he was breaking the other's flow.
It was almost as though the redheaded man was slowly getting himself comfortable in the world. Casual relationships and encounters meant no cheating or heartbreaking, but still all the affection that Seijuro loved to bathe himself in. Also, he held a job as a bouncer while simultaneously working towards becoming a tattoo artist. It seemed like Seijuro was on his way to that future he had once envisioned and there Sousuke was in it: the friend who was secretly in love with Seijuro, but still had to listen to his wild sex stories.
"If my boss would've walked in at that moment, I probably would've been fired!" Seijuro laughed as they conversed and ate.
"Why? Was she his favorite girl or something?" Sousuke asked passively, shooting Rin another text in between talking and eating.
"No, it's just…" Seijuro trailed off as he watched Sousuke smile at a received message. "Hey, are you still texting Rin? What're you talking about?"
"Huh? Oh, nothing really."
"Hey, uh, you two never…?"
Sousuke raised an eyebrow at the unfinished question.
Seijuro waved it away and chuckled. "Nothing, nothing, nevermind…"
Sousuke believed he didn't have the right to worry about Seijuro the way he was currently worrying. Seijuro's job was dangerous and Sousuke could've sworn he'd seen a bruise or two before. But he told himself that he wasn't Seijuro's parent or girlfriend - all he could do was say, "be careful," and hope for the best.
He noticed a bandaged wound while they sat in the cafe at a secluded little table, chatting as usual. Though somehow, the air was different today. Maybe it was because Seijuro had dressed nicer than usual. And smelled nicer than usual. And his feet kept finding their way to Sousuke's side of the floor, touching and tapping his.
The whole meeting felt different. And it had Sousuke's heart racing.
"I'm really proud of him," Sousuke said in regards to Rin. "He's seriously on his way to achieving his dream," he chuckled a little. "I can't say that I'm not even a tiny bit jealous, but mostly I'm proud."
His smile was warm and reminiscent. It was then that Seijuro leaned forward and took Sousuke's hands in his. The brunet's face flared red and no words came out his mouth.
"Hey," Seijuro began in a low voice. "Do you remember that night after Kameko-chan broke up with me?"
Sousuke gulped and looked away. "Kameko-chan? Which of your flings was that?"
"Sousuke," Seijuro's voice managed to be both firm and gentle. "I'm being serious here."
A pause. "I don't like talking about that," Sousuke admitted, still not making eye contact.
"I want to talk about it because I think I've spent too many months chasing after that night again."
Sousuke attempted to tug his hands away, but Seijuro held tight and their gazes met, locked together like a sweet inferno that Sousuke was shocked he didn't mind burning in.
"What do you mean?" Sousuke asked.
"Remember how I told you I got bored of women?" Seijuro said which ignited a reminder in Sousuke's mind, of the type of predator he was dealing with. "I switched to just male partners and realized… I was comparing them all to you."
Seijuro laughed and continued, "And then I realized that when I had talked to Isao-kun, I was constantly wishing that I were talking to you instead. And that everyone I've been with since becoming close to you all just fall short of perfection because they aren't you."
"Seijuro-"
"Every time I feel lost or troubled, I find you. Every future I picture, you're there. I'm an idiot for not realizing it sooner. You're my rock, my home, you're the one all along."
"Seijuro-"
"Sousuke, I'm in love with you."