Hello readers ! It's been a while since I've published anything but inspiration came back last week. I guess meeting Ian Somerhalder will do that to you. This is very different from anything I've published so far, so please feel free to criticize, I really need your feedback to know if I'm going the right way.
Reviews are love (or hate, for that matter).
- M. -
The Last Goodbye
None of this is real, she keeps telling herself. It's the only explanation.
If a movie was made, based on the life of Mystic Falls, Caroline Forbes knows she wouldn't make it to the promotional poster. However, she remembers a time when she was a queen. She used to walk the streets of high school with her head held high, and a single glance from her made the boys go wild. She was only concerned with supervising fundraisers and sneaking on her mom to make out with her latest crush. She was the most popular girl in school and everyone looked up to her – for fashion, for boys, for parties. She was the sassiest girl in town. Back then, her name would have been the only one visible from far away, written in huge glittering letters, as bright as her blonde air in the sunlight. Dynamics have thoroughly changed.
Caroline does not matter anymore. The storyline does not revolve around her. She can't compete with her witch of her best friend, who just happens to be the answer to every single problem they have faced lately. She is the last to be filled in on everything and she does not stand a chance against I'm-always-the-center-of-attention Elena. When she was meant to be the star, Caroline has to stick to the background now, in every department. School seems of such little significance to her now that she doesn't care if she does not make it to the top ten cheerleaders; on another hand, she has never been one to spend her free time geeking at the library. Her identity as a vampire is yet to be defined: her allegiance oscillates between the enemy everyone sees in Tyler and her fellow creatures of the night, so she isn't even a real vampire.
Caroline does not matter and she has come to terms with it, which is why her brain won't process what she has just heard. Damon is dying. How is that possible when she does not even matter in the grand scheme of their lives?
None of this is real, she keeps telling herself. It's the only explanation.
Caroline talks herself into believing that this is a movie and she has the lead. How else would any of this make sense? She failed to see that Matt was on vervain and now her mother knows about the vampires in town. She got kidnapped once more and Damon came to the rescue as he always does. Joyful as it might seem to enjoy a few eternities of the time she has left, Caroline can't forget that her rescue forced Klaus to use his backup plan. The young vampire mourns Jenna more bitterly than the others because she knows that, even though they'll never admit it, her friends will look at her one day and think "You're the one who should be dead." If they could go back in time, Caroline wonders if Damon would leave her to Klaus to save Jenna.
The mere perspective of a world without his annoying presence makes her want to scream. He cannot die, the bastard. He cannot leave her in this mess when none of it can be real. She has seen enough dramatic comedies to know what she has to do now but somewhere deep, deep inside, there's this little voice whispering: what if this is real?
She can accept things only when she understands them. And she doesn't understand why Damon fed on her, abuser her, why he bothered dating her. Caroline knows she should hate his guts for everything he has done to her but she also knows that, even though he has destroyed her somehow, he is the very reason why she is still here, torturing herself with questions. Why he fed her his blood after that car crash on Founder's Day, why he saved her from Jules, from Klaus, from Tyler. Why he keeps doing that when she doesn't matter.
She feels like a piece of her is dying. She doesn't know what to do: she wants to rush to him and hold his hand until the very end, if this is what it comes down to; but she also knows that her face is not the last thing he wants to take in. Ever the supporting character. Caroline tries to convince herself that this is about Damon, not about her. Everyone is acting like his death is inevitable, like he had it coming, after all. Just because he acts on impulse and doesn't care about collateral damage doesn't mean that it's okay to let him die alone. At least Stefan is doing something, fighting. Despite the total trust she puts in her friend, Caroline feels like a part of her is being torn away.
She needs closure, or she'll be haunted for the rest of her life – and that means a long time. When she realizes that her friends have been staring at her for a while, she is gone in a blur and nobody understands.
Damon deserves a proper farewell.
When she reaches the boarding house two minutes later, reality crushes her like a way, unexpectedly. She feels caught in the ebb and flow, thrown from side to side of the room every time her eyes fall on something that belongs to Damon. Something that he will leave behind. She had never noticed before, but this house is filled with the corona of this brutal masculinity that Damon has: the bottle of bourbon that he has already drank by half, the leather jacket whose familiar scent provides her with a second of relief in the emotion turmoil she's in…
Caroline instinctively heads to Damon's bedroom, feeling like she's crossing a line, showing up uninvited. When she pushes the massive door open with one hand, what she sees takes her breath away – and not in a good way. The strong, powerful Damon she knows is laying in his king size bed, weak and shaking. His broad shoulders seem to have melted like butter in the sun; Caroline never thought she's see the day when she's feel such an overwhelming urge to cuddle him, to stand like a shield between him and the world. She clears her throat to let him know he has a visitor.
"It's me, it's…it's Caroline."
She perfectly hears the disappointment in his whisper when he says hi and even if it's no surprise, it doesn't hurt any less. He doesn't ask what she's here for, he already knows.
"I can't do this now, Caroline."
"Well, seems like we won't be able to do it later."
"Touché."
Caroline pushes a chair next to the bed. She gets wrapped up in some sort of fog that fools her super senses, opening a door to another reality.
She sees him laying on his back with his hands under his head, his usual smirk on the lips. He slightly turns his head and says "So, coming to cry your eyes out, Blondie?" She burst into tears and confesses the conflicting feelings she has been hiding for so long: hatred, affection, despise, gratitude. She doesn't stop asking questions, giving him outs that he doesn't miss. He confesses that she does matter, that her life is worth something and that if he could go back in time, he would save her all the same. He asks forgiveness for his mistakes, forgiveness for hurting her. She takes his hand and grants absolution. He looks at her with watering eyes and whispers "I want you to have a beautiful life, Caroline. No tears." She swears. With a smile, he takes his last breath and she untangles their fingers. He looks like a child who has finally found peace. He wasn't alone, it's what matters the most. Even if every single cell in her undead body screams that now, she is alone, she plays tough. She has promised.
Yes, in a well-written scenario, that is what would happen. Caroline opens her eyes and when she sits, she feels a freezing gust of wind rush through her while the reality of fact sinks in, inevitably and cruelly threatening the thin layer of denial she is struggling to maintain. Silence sets in between the two of them, only disturbed by the sound of Damon's irregular breathing. He doesn't bother opening his eyes but he feels her near. Contrary to everyone else, she is not trying to fight the poison burning his veins and it's incredibly relaxing. At that point, he feels a connection between them.
Caroline finally remembers why she is here. She feels that time is catching up on them and that every second she spends hesitating is lost forever. So the words rush out of her mouth and she can't help it. She came to promise him that she will make the most of the eternity he has given her. She is proof that there is good in him; more than his love for Elena, more than anything else. She is proof that Damon Salvatore is a hero and she just owed it to him to say it because it's too late.
The vampire remains silent but these words echo in him. She can barely look at him without feeling her insides tearing up but when he smiles, she goes on the bed next to him.
"I am going to lay down next to you, now. I'm just gonna lay here with you and we'll forget the world until you…fall asleep."
Once more, Damon just nods. She thinks it's indifference but he feels that he could break down if he allows the slightest sound to escape his lips. When she lays down, he brushes her hand with his, warm, shaking and damp.
The first words he says to her are « Stop lying to yourself. » She opens her eyes and doesn't quite understand what he means. He has been practicing this speech for almost an hour, because he wants to hurt her once more, so she doesn't cry for him. So he tells her that he used her without remorse, because she was convenient and if he had to do it again, he wouldn't blink. This brutal honesty feels like a stake through Caroline's heart. She speaks in a strangled voice.
"Why did you save me every time? I have not been of any use to you in a long time."
"Elena," he stubbornly lies. "She cares about you. That's the only reason."
In spite of the fever that's making him burn and the pain biting every nerve end in his body, Damon holds Caroline's hand tighter when he feels that she's letting go. He just says "No tears, Caroline. It's not worth it." He unwillingly unleashes the anger in her. She lets go of his hand and unleashes her frustration and pain.
"What is not worth it, uh? You are dying, Damon, you are vanished into nothingness! You are going back to ashes. Doesn't that deserve tears? What about the guilt poisoning my blood, does that deserve tears, according to you? Jenna is dead instead of me and you are agonizing, am I allowed to cry over THAT, Damon?"
"I could have let you die," he spits. "I just chose not to. So the only tears you're allowed to cry are tears of gratitude because I saved your freakin' life and I deserve to know how it feels to be a hero, for once."
Caroline is silent for a few seconds. She sees something in Damon's eyes that she has hardly seen before: determination. A single tear rolls down her face when she understands that, in his movie, he has casted her to be the damsel in distress so that he can be the hero. The hero always sacrifices himself, every single time. If they went back in time, he would do it all the same. He would save her.
"You need to leave, now," he whispers, exhausted by his monologue.
"I'm staying."
"You are not, Caroline."
The vampire's voice is dry like sandpaper, but he won't take no for an answer. He doesn't want her to see him like this; he doesn't want this to be her last memory of him. So she silently walks backwards out of the room, struggling to keep a smile on her face. She pretends that this isn't the hardest moment she has had to face in her life and she does what she's best at: she smiles. The radiant smile she used to throw at him when they were dating and he complimented her.
Damon looks at her through a blurred sigh and he doesn't understand why she came after everything he has done to her. He's grateful regardless and fights the pain to smile back. Just two more seconds and I can break down, he thinks. Caroline feels the tears in her eyes when she notices how his body is shaking and he is coughing blood. His face is distorted by a mask of pain, making his attempt at smiling more of a wince. Just two more seconds and I can break down, she thinks.
The last word she says to him is: thank you. The last word he says to her is: goodbye.
Tomorrow, the world will lay eyes on her and see what Damon leaves behind. A noble and selfless sacrifice. A man who has made mistakes in his long life, but who has never stopped trying. A demon who finally found his way back into the light. Yes, tomorrow, Caroline Forbes will be the legacy Damon Salvatore leaves to the world.
A few hours later, while she's painfully aware of Damon's absence, Caroline hears that the impossible happened.
Just like she does at the end of a good movie, the woman sheds a few tears. The scenario wasn't so bad, after all: an impending tragedy, a hero willing to die, a damsel in distress. It matters little if she makes it to the credits because Caroline knows that there isn't a movie without her. Damon would have given his life for her. That happens only to those who matter.