Disclaimer: All recognizable The Good Wife characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners including, but not limited to CBS. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fan fiction story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No financial gain is associated with the publishing of this story. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: I owe a debt of gratitude to justlovebt for feedback on my first Kalinda/Alicia fic and for urging me to wade into the fandom in the first place. I'm not caught up on the show—season 5 got away from me. However, this touches on how Alicia and Kalinda cope with the death of Will. Or at least how I imagine them actually coping. I appreciate your reviews! -dkc
Losing Will, Finding Kalinda
She had survived the service. She had survived the many looks from Peter when he had picked up the kids that night. She had survived his not so subtle accusation of an affair with Will. What she hadn't survived was the silence of the empty apartment and the thoughts chaotically flooding her mind.
She found herself sobbing at the kitchen island after throwing a wine glass at the fridge.
What only she and Will knew was the extent of the affair. It was purely physical, driven by lust and the natural urges of two people in close proximity. It had been intensely physical, but it had never been what Will wanted it to be.
Will. Poor will.
Alicia sobbed both for the life he never had the chance to finish and the disappointment in the life he had already lived. She couldn't give him what he most wanted. What Peter didn't know, hell, what Will didn't know was that she had been having an emotional affair—a torrid affair that never crossed the line to physical and never was spoken of. Yet it held the thrill of her clearly lust-filled affair with Will and the pull of every truly caring relationship she had ever had.
Her sobs stilled, her eyes cleared and she knew the only answer to her pain was a cab ride away. She slipped on her shoes, grabbed her phone and keys, ignored the broken glass on the floor and closed the door behind her.
The short cab ride sobered Alicia up, but did nothing for her puffy eyes and unclear intentions. She shook her head and knocked softly on the door. When it opened she felt as if her world was once again whole.
"Kalinda," she sighed.
The smaller woman embraced her without questioning. For all of their past, they both cared about Will and counted him a friend. But the embrace was much more than that.
Alicia's tears broke through the vulnerable facade. Kalinda's strong arms pulled them into the apartment so the door could be closed. Her gentle shushing of the lawyer's cries was unexpected from the usually tepid woman.
When the tears slowed, Kalinda wiped the tendrils of hair from Alicia's face before pressing soft kisses to the traces of tears on reddened cheeks. Holding Alicia's head in her hands, Kalinda used the moment to look into the red, puffy eyes of this woman she had once called her closest friend. She saw something in those eyes that told her this wasn't only about Will.
"Alicia?" Kalinda whispered a question she hadn't truly formulated. What was she asking?
"You don't need to know," Alicia responded, her hands coming to hold the very hands holding her face.
"Don't? Probably. I want to," she urged.
"He knows. Peter finally knows," Alicia said.
Unsure of what the Governor knew, Kalinda's eyebrows asked for clarification.
"The affair," Alicia whispered.
Nodding her head with understanding, the investigator left it at that. She couldn't imagine the turmoil in Alicia's mind, let alone in the depths of her heart.
"But it doesn't matter. It didn't matter."
Even Kalinda believed that affairs mattered. They meant something. What that something was for Will and Alicia, she never speculated.
"I..." Alicia rolled her eyes as if disgusted with her own feelings. "I didn't love him. I didn't... It was only sex. It was complicated. But it came down to sex."
Confused by why her friend had come over tonight to say this, Kalinda thought about how Alicia's behavior was quite opposite those who in the face of loss made more of their relationship with the departed than was true. Death often left the survivor trying to fit this person into the larger puzzle that was their life.
"I know he meant something to you," Kalinda hands slowly made their way to the brunette's neck.
"He did. I'm not saying he didn't," Alicia frowned. "I am realizing that there were two very different affairs going on in my life."
This truly baffled Kalinda. Two? Her facial expression revealed her confusion.
"We were never," Alicia gestured between them. "We were friends. But..."
The pause was enough for it all to sink in for Kalinda.
"There was always something," she whispered to the older woman.
"I thought it was silly. I thought it was my midlife crisis. Peter had prostitutes, I had..."
"Tequila," Kalinda finished for her.
This brought a smile to both their faces. Alicia leaned her forehead against its caramel-toned opposite.
"He knew," Kalinda said.
This brought Alicia's head back up, her eyes searching for an explanation.
"Peter?" She pressed.
"Nick," Kalinda shook her head. "It was the way I spoke to you on the phone, he said."
"Zach knows," Alicia admitted and feared her use of the present tense.
"He's a smart kid," she smirked.
For the first time since arriving, Alicia relaxed. Her hands found Kalinda's hips-lower than usual-as she stood barefoot in her living room without her standard heeled boots. Their eyes were locked, their hearts beating loudly, their minds content with what the next moments might hold.
"I always thought you and Will had it all," Kalinda said after several beats of silence. "You seemed happy."
With a slight shake of her head, Alicia answered for herself the question she'd been asking since Will's death. They never had everything and they never would have.
"There was always something missing. There was always something more he wanted," Alicia looked to the ceiling as if to apologize to the man she'd lost. "Kids, maybe. Marriage. I don't know."
"It's funny, isn't it?" Kalinda tilted Alicia's chin down so she could look into her eyes. "Will never wanted that with anyone else. The person he chose already had kids, marriage."
Kalinda didn't mean for it to sting, but it did sting a bit. Alicia flinched and Kalinda knew immediately that it was taken far more seriously than she had intended it. Instead of walking it back, her arms encircled Alicia's shoulders and pulled her in tight.
"It's not uncommon for someone to want those things with the right person," Kalinda whispered.
"Should I feel this bad for not being the right person?" Alicia said into Kalinda's shoulder.
"You are who you are, Alicia."
Her words brought the lawyer back to a time nearly a lifetime ago when Kalinda was pushing her to call Will. To be the person she wanted to be. That memory made her smile. She missed those nights at the bar, drinking tequila, studying each other's every expression. She missed that closeness with Kalinda.
"I miss you," Alicia's voice cracked.
"I'm right here," Kalinda held tighter to the fragile woman.
"That's not what I mean…"
"I know what you mean and that's why I'm saying I am right here," Kalinda took a step back, her arms still around the taller woman, but enough space between them so they could look at one another.
"You…" Alicia started and stopped, shaking her head. "Never mind."
"Tell me."
"You are a temptation. There is this undeniable pull. I can't describe it. But when I say I was having a torrid emotional affair, that doesn't do it justice. I was so…" she paused trying to find a way to describe her state of being back then.
"Confused?" Kalinda offered.
"Yes, but it wasn't simply confusion. I was torn. You were my best friend. You were my colleague. I knew that if we went down that road there was no going back. But then Peter…" she couldn't bring herself to speak of what Kalinda had done with her husband. "…and Nick. Then I left with Cary. You and I stopped being what we were."
"And I stopped being a temptation?" she asked.
The look on Alicia's face and the mere fact that the lawyer was standing in Kalinda's living room at this late hour, in the investigator's arms even, answered the question. The temptation never went away. The opportunity did.
"You have always been a temptation for me," Kalinda whispered, her eyes dropping as if in shame.
"But you never said anything. You never…" she was cut off.
"Did something about it? Pulled you into my arms? Kissed you? Invited you over? Took you to my bed? You're better than all of that. You're not just someone I want to fuck and then send away. I could never do that," Kalinda's eyes had darkened and her hands had come to grip Alicia's shoulders.
"I wanted you to," the words were barely audible.
There it was. The truth behind every game they had played, every battle they had waged with one another. Kalinda found herself alternately looking into Alicia's eyes and at her glossy lips. All that time Kalinda had though Alicia was waiting for Will and it was her that the lawyer wanted. All that time. Kalinda took a deep breath, closed her eyes briefly and then made a choice. Softening her grip on Alicia's shoulders, she leaned in until there was but a breath between them. She waited for Alicia to commit. Suddenly the lawyer's lips were on her own and it was fierce. The kiss was rough and needy. Kalinda's hands tangled in Alicia's hair, tongues entered the battle.
"Oh…" Alicia breathed as their mouths parted.
Kisses followed along Alicia's shoulder, up her neck, behind her ear and on her earlobe.
"Kalinda," her name was drawn out.
Stopping her trail of kisses, Kalinda simply pulled Alicia to her body and held her tight. She felt the taller woman relax into her as she finally caught her breath.
"Can I stay?" Alicia's voice was hopeful yet still desperate for comfort.
"Of course. Let's go get you something to sleep in."
It wasn't how either woman imagined the night ending after the intense kiss they had shared. However, with the memorial service behind them, their tears finally dried, it was exactly what they needed tonight. Being together is all either of them needed.
They may have lost Will, but they had found each other.
-finis-