Hi guys! It's rainy today so here's something depressing to go with it! JK. This is part of the Hundred Theme Challenge sort of. The prompt was 'starving' and I figured instead of going the tradition rout and making it all about Fai refusing to drink blood, I could give him an eating disorder. This seems plausible for Fai's personality type and you all know I love an evil Ashura. This was originally an idea for a multi chaptered story but this happened instead. Please review!

ENJOY~

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"Fai you have to stop this."

I tilt my face away.

"Look at me."

I don't. I refuse. He hates that.

"Why are you doing this? You know this is what he wants right? He can't hurt you so he's making you hurt yourself."

I don't care. It's not true. Maybe at first, but not anymore. I'm in control.

OOOOO

The first time I said no to him we broke up. When I told Kurogane later he seemed to have known that was going to happen. He was good enough not to say it though, that Ashura was only with me for one thing. We started going out a few days later.

After that Ashura's classes suddenly got harder. It wasn't me though, I knew it wasn't me. He was grading me harder. He only taught stage acting and cadence but I was a theater major and I was in the school production so I had him twice a day. He started making me redo my lines in rehearsal again and again, picking at things that had never been a problem before, like my expression and tone. But I could handle it. I did handle it. I made everything perfect so he had nothing to complain about. Then he involved the class.

That couldn't have been hard. I was seen as an outsider to begin with. I had one or two close friends and everyone else generally ignored me. Ashura used to tell me it was because they were jealous of me. I was playing the lead after all. Now I think it was because they knew. They knew something even I didn't know; they knew why I got the role, why I could do no wrong. I don't blame them. I hate me too.

But people started whispering about it, that I should be expelled, that I was a whore. I never actually did anything for him, that's why he broke up with me, but somehow, I know how, people heard a different account, that I'd thrown myself at him.

And then people started talking directly to me, but about something different. I was asked if I was really going to eat that big a lunch, if I was worried about gaining weight. I brushed it off.

A few weeks before our first performance, Kyle raised his hand in the middle of my scene and announced that I was looking 'less than waif-ish'. People laughed. Ashura didn't even pretend to reprimand him. Instead he turned on me that smile I used to think was so kind and proceeded to calmly explain that starring in a production was a stressful thing and that an actor couldn't be blamed for gaining a few pounds. I thought I was going to die.

I didn't know if I'd really gained weight; Kurogane had always seemed concerned by my lack of size but maybe he was just flattering me. After all, what was he going to say? Certainly not that I had been eating too much. I had been oddly hungry but I thought it was just because I was spending so much time rehearsing. I was exhausted, wasn't I burning it off? Suddenly I wasn't wondering if I had gained weight but how. I started paying attention to every meal, cutting out seconds and then not even finishing. I started weighing myself.

That week I lost five pounds and Kurogane noticed right away, asked me if I was okay. I said I was fine.

I was fine.

I am fine.

Over the following two weeks I went down to ninety-three pounds and Kurogane couldn't leave it alone. He got annoyed when I didn't finish food. I started leaving a bowl in the sink before I left in the morning, running water into it and adding a drop of milk.

One night I came back to our apartment only to be whisked out to a restaurant. It was so sweet I couldn't refuse. When we got back I made myself sick.

The next week my weight loss was really showing. Kurogane was more persistent, demanding to know what was wrong, if I was sick and hiding it. He was angry but I was relieved. I'd fixed this the same way I had fixed my acting. There wasn't a scrap of fat on me; no one could say a thing.

People had stopped the comments. Ashura looked horrified when he realized how thin I truly was. I was beating him. He thought he'd found the thing I couldn't fix but he was wrong. I handled it the same way I'd handled the rest of the criticism.

I didn't feel right though; I was out of breath, off balance all the time. Kurogane had taken to walking me everywhere, angry that I wouldn't tell him what I was doing but powerless to offer any other help. That was how he ended up at my dress rehearsal.

It was on a Monday and people were once again amazed by my weight loss over the weekend. Apparently one of my classmates had a guilty conscious and Kurogane overheard a comment about what Ashura was doing to me being just 'disgusting'. I thought he was going to go after Ashura but he didn't bother. He just walked up and pulled me off stage. When I said I wouldn't leave he carried me out.

OOOO

Now I'm in his lap on our bed in our apartment. His arms are tight around my waist and he's alternating between ordering and begging me to stop, to eat, to look at him. I can't. He's telling me to think about what I'm doing to my sister, to him, to myself but I can't. I don't know why but none of that matters. Maybe making me hate my body, the body he couldn't have, was Ashura's way of punishing me but it's turned into a gift. He's given me control. I can control myself even when I can't control what they think of me, what they say about me.

"Fai? FAI look at me... God damn it!"

But I still can't make myself look.