Jack vs. Cactus
A/N: So Jack's buttsicle problem got me thinking, since Matty said she'd 'seen it before.' Then we had the chaps without pants opening gambit. So here's a little imagining about another time when Matty may have "seen it before." I hope you enjoy. Thanks to my friend, Diane for the fun brainstorming that led to this story! Thanks to my friend, Jennifer for beta-reading!
Chapter 1
"I'm tellin' ya Matty, we lucked out!" Jack exclained to his senior partner as they bumped their way through a desert back road somewhere south of the border. They had landed an "observe and report only" mission and had flown in to an unused airstrip and commandeered an old Ford pick-up to make their way northwest toward the small town of Imuris. Matty had been there the year before on a similar mission, but hadn't turned up anything. Now, the situation had changed and they had credible intel on a drug ring making this area their newest base.
Jack loved these missions for the simple reasons he always cited and Matty had heard them a handful of times: "No runnin'. No getin' shot at. No takin' prisoners. No sweat," Jack went on again. Matilda Webber rolled her eyes and gazed out the window at the stars. In the darkness of the desert, the moon and the stars were the only thing besides the headlights providing any light for miles. The Ford took the rough terrain fairly well and they were close to where they were to stop for the night. The plan was to get an early start north and find the leaders of the drug ring that were trafficking heroin north through the border. A follow-up team would be sent in to round them up; one with more munitions, as soon as they knew what they were up against.
Suddenly a fox darted across the road and Jack cursed loudly and swerved to avoid the critter, causing the truck to skid onto the shoulder and come to a stop with the rear passenger tire in a slight ditch. "Well, I hope you're happy there, Mr. Fox!" Jack started to rant as he stepped on the accelerator to bring them back on the road. Only the tire in the ditch just spun and found no purchase while the other tire spun in the gravel of the shoulder.
"Gosh darn it, Jack!" Matty yelled as Jack climbed out of the truck to inspect the situation further. As he rounded the back of the truck, the problem was obvious. The tire was not only in the ditch, but flat. Standing up and kicking the tire, Jack lost his footing as he struck the rim instead, and stumbled backward, down the slight incline. Matty heard him scream and grabbed her flashlight from the glove box and opened the door immediately, scared he'd gotten bitten by a snake or broken a leg or something worse, by the sound of the pained cries coming from him. Jack was still screaming as Matty rushed over to the edge of the ditch and shone the light down on Jack. "Jack! What happened? Are you ok? Can you get up?" He stopped screaming but couldn't seem to answer.
"Help!" he all but panted. "Matty, help me! Oh God!" As Matty looked closer, she realized Jack had apparently tumbled down the slight incline backwards into the waiting arms of a ….cactus? He stared up at her with a seriously panicked expression and seemed frozen in place in the middle of several cacti that appeared to be armed with severely ominous spikes!
"Oh no! Jack! Don't move! Don't. Move!" She directed, trying to assess the best way to extricate him. She worried some spines were long enough to inflict serious stab wounds, depending on where they entered Jack's body.
"Matty, you gotta get me outta here! I can't move!" Jack was starting to panic but the more freaked out he became, the calmer Matty spoke.
"Jack, you're going to take my hands and I'm going to pull and you are going to plant your feet and get up as straight as possible so you don't injure yourself further. You can do this!" Jack just nodded at her and winced because he most certainly did not want to move, because no matter what way he went it would hurt. A lot. However, becoming a permanent part of a cactus did not appeal to him either, so he accepted her solution and took hold of her hands, squeezing his eyes tightly shut as she counted to three and pulled. The scream rivaled the one he'd let out the last time he got shot, which he didn't remember hurting quite as much as this.
Matty's eyes watered in sympathy and she thought Jack would pass out when she got him upright. A few deep breaths later, Jack was able to stand fairly straight and she helped him up to the truck.
Each movement tore at his skin since the spines were stuck through his clothes and his clothes moved every time he took a step. Finally, with some relief when he could stop moving, he leaned forward against the truck. "Matty? Any bright ideas? 'Cause right now, I'm hurtin' too much to come up with one. Please tell me you have an idea. Please."
"Yeah. I've got one. Let's get you lying in the back of the truck, face down, of course. I'll walk the half a mile into town and try to find a friend of mine with a truck that owes me a favor and ask him to bring me back to get you. We'll stop at whatever store we can find near the motel and I'll get some supplies and have them drop us at the motel. Then we'll get you fixed up, okay?"
"Matty, how 'bout we call for exfil, huh?" Jack practically begged.
"Jack, you really want me to call for an exfil from our 'observe and report' mission because of a run in with a cactus? What do you think that will look like? I think we can get you fixed up enough to continue. How about we see how things look tomorrow before we call in?" Matty suggested. Jack had to agree. It would not look good to scrub an easy mission for something this ridiculous, but geez these spines hurt and he was starting to feel…nauseous…and suddenly, he leaned over as much as he could and threw up on the road. Matty got him some bottled water and put down the tailgate so he could climb into the bed of the truck. It was starting to get cold in the desert but she couldn't put anything over him because he was covered in spines. Pressure from anything at all would be excruciating. The flannel shirt he was wearing would have to be enough. She handed him his gun and another bottle of water.
"Matty, please, hurry, okay? I hate that you have to walk to town, but…" Jack was trying to keep it together. Matty interrupted.
"It's ok, Jack. I'll be back soon. You'll be ok; I promise." And with that, she took off down the road with her flashlight and gun.
As Matty entered the town, she found her friend's home on the outskirts and knocked loudly on the door, calling in Spanish that it was an emergency. The door opened and Juancarlo appeared, staring down at her in disbelief. It took her a few moments to explain the situation. He grabbed his shotgun and called to his wife that he'd be back and ran with Matty to his truck.
To Jack, it felt like hours, but Matty made surprisingly good time and soon, Jack heard the rattle of a truck coming back towards him from the direction of town. Matty called to him, "It's me, Jack! Got some help here. My good friend, Juancarlo, is going to help you into his truck and take us to the motel!"
Jack was never so relieved. Of course, moving brought a whole new layer of pain and he bit his lip to keep from screaming as he was helped out of one vehicle and into the other. As they entered the town, Jack heard noises like you'd hear in any moderate size town, so he hoped there was a drug store that had what Matty needed. He didn't want to spend too much time thinking about what Matty would need to help remedy such a situation, since nothing that occurred to him was remotely pleasant, and every scenario was more than a little painful and embarrassing.
Finally the truck stopped and Juancarlo got out and Jack heard his footsteps as he walked away from the car. About ten minutes later, he returned and they drove another five minutes to the motel. This time, Matty got out and went in, and when she came back, Juancarlo drove around the building and parked the truck, then Jack felt the tailgate being released. There was some discussion between Matty and Juancarlo about the best way to move Jack. He caught bits and pieces but none of that sounded good, either. "Okay, Jack, we'll help you inside," Matty said.
"Slowly, please!" Jack begged and Matty and Juancarlo spoke a little as she directed him. Jack's Spanish was rusty, but the man clearly was sympathetic to his plight and moved him carefully. When he got through the door, Matty turned and hugged her friend, paid him for his trouble, thanking him and closing the door behind Jack. She turned to observe the room, which was clean and modern enough, painted in true local fashion, in a vibrant orange with green trim. There were two full size beds and a nightstand with a lamp, a closet next to the door, and a bathroom with a shower stall in it. She called the desk and asked for extra towels and washcloths and prepared to get to work.
"Ok, don't move, Jack. I have to put down a blanket or the spines will be everywhere. Do you have a full change of clothes in your bag? I'll have to cut these off. Even if I didn't, you wouldn't be able to wear them again."
"Yeah, I have two changes. Just what are you plannin' on doin' Matilda? I mean, I can't just…just…stand here naked!" Jack blustered incredulously. He just could not imagine Matty's plan.
"Well after I get the spines out of you, then you can shower and get dressed. You don't have many options here, Jack! You are full of large thorns and small tiny spines from your neck to your knees! You just can't pull on clothes over top of them!" Jack saw the logic in that, and nodded reluctantly. This was so not going to be fun.
"Okay, well, just so you know, I don't take my clothes off for just anyone and when I do, I sure plan on it bein' a lot more fun than this little adventure is shapin' up to be!"
"So noted. Now just stand here and let me get some supplies together," Matty said a little more gently. She collected scissors, tweezers, towels, a magnifying glass, arranging things near her on the bed. She got to work with the scissors first, cutting up the back of all the layers of clothing and gently working them off from back to front, along with a multitude of the spines. Jack hissed in pain as the clothes were pulled off and the spines pulled out of his skin. Matty handed Jack a towel to hold in front of him as she carefully put the shredded clothes in a plastic bag. When she turned back to him, he was shivering and pale and standing stock still as blood trickled down the back of his body. Matty dug some painkillers out of their first aid kit and gave him two tablets and some water, which he accepted gratefully.
"Okay, Jack, just let's get you lying down before you fall down. The good news is that a lot of the spikes came out with the clothes." Jack just nodded but didn't move. He couldn't seem to speak and he had his eyes squeezed shut. Matty carefully guided him to the foot of the bed and he finally crawled onto it and lay on his stomach, sighing in some kind of relief as he hit the softer surface and could stop moving. She got to work pulling out the largest spines first with tweezers and worked from his neck down to the backs of his legs. Each time she pulled a few out, especially in more sensitive areas, Jack yelped and Matty cringed.
"I'm sorry, Matty, but those things are so painful. I read they're barbed, so they actually hurt worse when you pull…..OUCH! Them out!" Tears involuntarily gathered in Jack's eyes from the intense stinging.
"Well, the other alternative is kind of worse, Jack! I don't think you want them left in!"
"No, of course not! It just HURTS! Owww! Oh my gosh, you will never let me live this down will you? This is just so…. humiliating."
Matty winced as she pulled a large spike from the back of Jack's thigh. Then she paused, feeling sorry for her partner. "I really am sorry, Jack. This isn't your fault. Just let me do the best I can here. This should get rid of 95 percent of the spines, anyway," she said sympathetically.
"Wait…what about the other five percent? What happens to them? Matty?" Jack insisted she answer.
"Sometimes the tiny ones dissolve on their own. Don't worry, Jack, I'll get the biggest ones for sure," she said as reassuringly as possible.
Matty plucked and pulled and removed all the large spines then started at his neck and used a magnifying glass to remove many of the smaller ones, too. Jack seemed to find this less painful than the first process, anyway. He was groggy and fading in and out when she finally got done and it had taken a few hours.
"Okay, Jack, last step," Matty started.
"What? What's the last step? Aren't they all out? Matty, you've been at this for hours!" Jack almost whined.
"I'm going to smear glue on this gauze and apply it to your back…and…well….everywhere. Then we'll let it dry completely and pull it off. Most of the spines should stick to it and get pulled out when the gauze comes off," she explained.
"Wait! This is like…you mean you're going to wax the back of my body?" Jack asked incredulously.
"Well… sort of. You're just lucky you're not excessively hairy! Anyway, then you can get a shower and I'll scrub the back of you with the scrunchy scrubby thing and apply some antibiotic ointment. Then you can put on clean clothes and get some sleep. Sound good?" Matty tried to end on a positive note. Poor Jack really had endured a fair amount of pain and she was glad that at least she had been able to give him the strong painkillers first.
"Alright, let's get on with it. Next time I see a cactus, I'm gonna shoot it. Darn things think they own this desert….attackin' innocent agents on a 'observe and report' mission that's supposed to be a cake walk…" Jack continued to rant as Matty draped glue-soaked gauze over the back of him, even the more sensitive areas, which made her wince, but spines would hurt worse, she reasoned. She tried hard not to giggle at some of his explatives, but a drugged up Jack was difficult not to enjoy. Finally, she was done and she found a floor fan in the closet and turned it on him to dry the glue faster. Jack shivered and cursed, but agreed that faster was better, in this case. By the time the glue was totally dry, Jack was downright cold and when Matty turned off the fan, he sighed in relief.
The relief was short-lived as she told him to brace himself and ripped off the first strip across the top of his back. He jumped but didn't yell. The rest of his back hurt but not as much as when she moved to the strips across his lower body. By this point, his resolve had crumpled.
"Son of a bitch!" he yelled loudly, making Matty very happy that she'd asked for an end unit with no occupied rooms on any side.
"I'm sorry, Jack! Really. Do you need a break?" she asked sympathetically.
"No. Just get it done. Please, Matilda. Hurry up," he ground out through clenched teeth.
"All done, Jack. That's the best I can do. I'm sure there are a few stray ones, but I got all I could see. Let's get you into the shower and I'll try to scrub a little and get as many as we can." Jack just nodded and got up, holding his towel in front of him and staggered to the bathroom, happy to get in the shower and feel the soothing water run over the back of him. He was beyond embarrassment and beyond caring when she scrubbed him down, turned off the water, and wrapped several towels around him. His skin…and his nerves…felt raw.
He stood in the middle of the room and Matty slathered the red, raw skin on the back of him with antibiotic ointment and dabbed at all the tiny pinholes to get the bleeding to stop.
"You look like you were attacked by an army with blowdarts, Jack! While you were running away!"
"Very funny, Matilda. It feels that way too, actually. Not fun. I don't recommend it. Firing squad would be less painful…quicker too," Jack added.
She had some gauze dressings, which she opened up into small sheets and applied loosely. She had him put a clean tee shirt on top and clean boxers. When Jack finally made it to bed, it was past 2 am and he was past exhausted.
Matty got her own shower and got into bed after checking on her partner. He was out cold. She was secretly thankful that he was, at least for now, out of pain. While Jack made her laugh inwardly, doing just about anything, she didn't like seeing him suffer. She surmised that he knew she cared about him, and she did, but the typical banter they shared didn't often allow for that to show much. She sighed in relief, hoping they'd both get at least a little sleep that night.