GUY WITH ANIMANIACS ADDICTION PRESENTS:
A YAKKO ON TITAN
"Alright, you filthy, untalented worms! Listen up! This isn't summer camp! This is going to be the most painful, grueling, and bone-breaking experience in your life!"
Those were the exact words Keith Shadis yelled out to the entire Recon Corps the moment he stepped in. Or at least, what I think he said. Okay, if you don't know, giant humanoids called Titans, bla bla bla, they ate most of humanity, bla bla bla, and this group of teenagers is supposed to kill them all. Yeah, we're lucky that we even survived this period of time. But you thought Sasha eating a potato was the weirdest oddity of that day? Tch! That's nothing compared to the strange creature he saw. Look, if you're reading this, you already know about everything.
"What the hell is your name?!"
"My name is Eren Jaeger of Trost!"
"Why did you join the Recon Corps?"
"Because-"
"Wait a minute….What the fuck?"
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a black-and-white creature. You know who he is.
"Who the...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?! ARE YOU A TITAN?!"
"MY NAME IS YAKKO WARNER OF WHATEVER!"
Yakko's yelling was so loud that everybody was either cringing or covering their ears. It was also loud enough to send Keith Shadis flying back, doing backflips along the way. Yakko then looked at the screen to break the fourth wall.
"You can learn a lot from your little sister."
Obviously, Keith Shadis didn't tolerate this tomfoolery. In fact, he wanted to just...execute him right on the spot.
"Whatever you are, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"
Keith charged forward with all of his speed with a katana in his brown hands and leaped forward towards the cartoon individual and sliced his head clean of his neck. Everybody's jaws dropped as it fell to the ground...then they dropped further as it grew back.
"Hey, wait a minute, that isn't what ya use to slice heads off. You use a sword that isn't advertised in HGTV's paid programming block."
"What? But, I just...I swung the katana, I saw your head...WHAT ARE YOU?!"
"I'm...not going to tell you!"
"WHAT?!"
"All you need to know is YOUR SPECIES!"
Yakko ran off screen and returned with a doctor's outfit and a dentist's couch. He placed it swiftly on the floor and put Keith on it as quickly.
"I'm sorry, but the Association of Sorry Saps have decided that you should be dissected. You know, like in Akira."
He then, once again, looked at the fourth wall.
"Our contract with Warner Bros. requires that we make references to TMS productions, in the case that we are animated by TMS."
He then took out a rusty axe that was smothered in blood. But no one could see the blood because the FCC censored it with a square that said "TV-MA." Then, he thrust in down upon Keith's epididymis, only for Shadis to escape a few milliseconds afterwards. And he actually managed to grab a hold on the great and powerful Yakko Warner.
"Look here! I see that you can't be killed or stopped normally. So let's see how you like being kept captive for the REST! OF YOUR NATURAL! LIFE!"
"You don't know me very well. Actually, you don't know me at all."
"Enough! And stay quiet! FOREVER!"
As he walked to a shed far away from the Recon Corps, Yakko prepared for the famous switcharoo gag. You know that one. Remember 'Hooked on a Ceiling"? Remember when Michelangelo tried to throw the Warners out? Yeah, that. But this time...with a twist. As Keith threw Yakko in...
Keith fell out of the window of a church. A rather modern church, at that. He threw himself inside, and he transported to another place entirely. He heard pleasant singing, and he swore he saw a...green bird falling below him. Or was it the green hair of a person? He never knew. Also, guess where the singing came from. Down below, on the sill of a wall, two white mice were standing for this throwaway joke.
"Falling falling NARF! Ow!
"Stop that singing or I will have to hurt you further, Pinky."
"Oh, Brain...you don't even like the soundtrack for-"
Cue the jump cut to Yakko standing before the shed.
"Heh heh heh. I think I took care of him."
Everybody was just...staring at Yakko. Some people were severely frightened or impressed. Eren, on the other hand...we'll get to him later.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, well, you have no leader, so...just go to your stations? Or just leave."
Nobody left, actually. They knew Keith would come back eventually. But they did run to the mess room, because they were hungry on top of being frightened or impressed. Except for Eren. He was just...standing there. He looked like he was about kill Yakko with his bare hands.
"DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?"
Eren's yelling rivaled Yakko's, and sent Yakko back a few steps.
"Yes, I have gotten rid of...what's his name? Phil Hartman?"
Excuse Yakko. He only saw Phil Hartman play a role or two in one movie. You know that movie. This won't be the only time it's referenced.
"HIS NAME IS...I...don't know...BUT I WOULD IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU!"
"Look, he'll come back. By that time, I'll be gone and I'll pester somebody else."
"BUT HE WILL-"
"Hold on."
Yakko walked over to the mess hall.
"Hey, everybody!"
They all turned to Yakko, with their same expressions from a minute earlier turning on a second later.
"Do any of you take that guy seriously?!"
They all shaked their heads, even Mikasa and Armin.
"Do you want to make him look crazy?!"
They all nodded their heads.
"Good! So when I leave, pretend I was never here!"
Almost all of them nodded, except for one.
"But senpai, you can't leave!"
It was Sasha Braus, who you might know as Potato Girl. She was actually eating the same potato she stole, because there was no Keith Shadis to stop her. She ran up and clanged herself to Yakko.
"Senpai?...Oh, right, it's an anime."
"You were great with that guy up there! We have to deal with him for three years!"
"Three years? I'm sorry, I've been held captive for 60 years, I don't need 3 more. By the way, do you know senpai means?"
"Erm...no."
"Good. You shouldn't butcher the Japanese language."
"Japa-what?"
"Never mind it. I'll just hang out here for a few more hours."
"WAIT A MINUTE!" Eren yelled.
He walked over to Yakko.
"You're going to stay?!"
"Just until that guy is about to come back."
"...Alright, fine."
"So...who wants to get drunk?!"
"Woohoo!" yelled literally everybody.
XXX
"And then, I-I-I saib, said...whaddya gonna do...SUCK me to death? Ahahahahahahaha!" said Jean, who was so drunk that he was now Too Dumb to Live.
"Mwa, good night everybody!"
"You're leaving?" Armin asked.
Oh, actually, Jean was the only one to actually get drunk. Everybody else despised the taste of beer, so they refused to drink more.
"No, that's what I always say when somebody says something like that! Besides, that guy won't be coming until 3...2..."
"Wait, I thought you said you were leaving before he came-"
SMASH!
Unfortunately, it wouldn't be an Attack on Titan fanfic without a Titan. A 5-meter one, to be exact. A 5-meter Titan that crashed through the mess hall, slowly enough for everybody to escape.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed everybody...including Yakko.
"We're all doomed! How are we supposed to kill the Titans?!" Connie yelled.
"We're not! WE DON'T KNOW HOW!" Sasha yelled.
"Wha? Whaddya meeeeeeeeean? We know how to *burp* choke em' with their ACTION FRIES!" Jean blabbered, being lucky that Viacom doesn't exist yet, and being lucky that Viacom barely owns the source material, even in the present day.
The smiling Titan squatted down and grabbed Jean, getting ready to eat him as it stood up.
"Woah...I'm think I'm starting to get vertigo...it still makes no sense…"
CRUNCH!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" They all screamed. Once again, Yakko screamed, but immediately after, he turned his head to the screen to break the fourth wall.
"By the way, I already made that joke in the Big Damn Movie."
Eren, not knowing how to even kill Titans, pretty much automatically admitted his lack of knowledge by-
"Yakko, we're doomed! We're all gonna die! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"
"Oh, yes, I am the trigger of all apocalypses. That. makes. no. sense."
"I can't do anything! We can't do anything! YOU can't do anything! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
"Not if I can help it!"
Yakko took a trumpet out of his pants (and that's not the only thing he has in his pants), and played the first few notes of the Animaniacs theme song. With that, he summoned Wakko and Dot, who literally materialized out of nowhere. For comedic effect, Wakko was eating a giant cheeseburger.
"Huh? What happened?" Dot asked.
"You were transported to blood-filled, hardcore, violent anime that surprisingly airs before midnight."
"Joy."
"Hey! Where did the food court go?" Wakko asked
"We're asking that, too." Sasha answered.
"Helloooooooo, nurse!"
"Sorry...but Yakko's my senpai."
"Ugh. Never mind that! Siblings, assemble!"
"Super Strong Warner Siblings?" Dot asked.
"Yep."
"Right!" The Warners shouted.
Then they all jumped high into the air, with the official, patented Super Strong Warner Siblings theme song playing in the background.
Super Strong! Warner Siblings!
Hey, hey, super real!
"Lyrics might not be accurate." said the stereotypical announcer voice.
The Warner Bros. water tower materialized out of nowhere, and the Warners jumped inside, and it transformed into the official, patented Super Strong Warner Siblings water tower formation.
"How did you do all that?!" Eren asked.
"Well, Steven Spielberg worked on Transformers." Yakko answered.
"I have now officially given up on life." Dot answered from another room.
"Have you?" Yakko asked Wakko.
Wakko twiddled his thumbs, and then put them on the controls.
"Uh, let's go!"
"...Okay?" Yakko and Dot answered.
They controlled the Water Tower and had it charging towards the Titan that was the exact same height. They punched it hard that it fell over and it was the spot that it was punched at (the stomach) was ejecting more steam than Gabe Newell.
"Really?" Yakko asked me, "That's the best you could do?"
Can you do better?
"...No."
I thought so. Oh, and by the way, it's standing up again.
"WHAT?!"
Yeah...want some advice from somebody who has seen the entire series?
"PLEASE!"
Slice the nape of it's neck, it won't have time to regenerate if you do.
"They regenerate?" The Warners all asked.
Yeah. Now back to the plot. I'll go back to narration mode now.
With the new advice in mind, Yakko used a homing axe and aimed at the nape.
"Wow. Those three can sure do a lot of...abnormal things. It makes you wonder how they got here."
XXX
Yakko was in an FYE, and he was looking at a poster with Mikasa on it. '
"Hellooooooooooooo, nurse!"
He pressed his face against the poster (guess where?) and he suddenly fell into it. Nobody knows what happened after that, but one could swear that said:
"Hey, that looks like a new….Special Friend."
XXX
During that flashback, the Titan slapped the axe, making it hit it's hand, instead. Also, the Titan ran up like a 5-year old to the tower and slapped it so hard that it fell over and it got destroyed upon impact with the dirt floor. If the Titan didn't have the mind of Amanda Bynes, they would sue for destroying the official, patented Super Strong Warner Siblings water tower.
"Your methods of defeat aren't working!" Eren yelled.
"Gee, you think?" Yakko quipped.
"How about we summon other forces?" Dot asked.
"Hm….about Pinky and the Brain?"
XXX
Well, Pinky and the Brain's plan didn't work (no, duh), and it was so complex in how disastrous it was that typing the entire thing would take three days. I could tell you that it involved sheet music, Weird Al, a blood sample of Charlie Sheen, a 6-meter tall block of cheese, and 50 gallons of laundry detergent. Don't worry, it all went inside of the Titan.
"NOTHING IS WORKING!" Dot yelled.
"And I'm hungry!" Wakko complained.
"I am in considerate pain" Brain stated.
"Narf!" Pinky blurted.
"Do something! It's been 4 hours, already!" all of the Recon Corps yelled.
"Alright, alright! I have a backup plan! Hey, narrator!"
Yes, Yakko?
"Is there anything else about the anime you haven't told me?"
Well, there's Titan shifting. You see, some humans in this world can transform into Titans.
"Duh! I could've done that all along! Thanks!"
No problem!
"Siblings, hold on! I have a plan! It will work!"
"What do you suppose we do?" Dot asked.
Yakko took out a phone, dialed a combination of numbers, and waited for the receiver to pick up.
"Hello, are you Katie's father?"
XXX
Cue the jump cut to a 7-meter tall Katie Ka-Boom completely beating up the Titan. It was basically the same change that happened to Eren in his Titan form. Don't ask how she got angry. I think it has something to do with somebody named Zany escaping from the deep end, going in the opposite direction...oh. It all makes perfect sense now.
"That's….not a Titan, right?" Armin asked.
"No. It's the average teenager." Yakko answered, "Hey, all you have to do is slice the nape of his neck! That'll kill him and uh, Zayn will consider coming back!"
"Really?" the monstrous Katie asked.
With that, Katie grew a blade on her arm and sliced the nape of the Titan's neck, and so it finally fell to the ground, with steam rising from it's neck. It was all over. The Titan was officially dead, everybody was cheering, Katie calmed down again, and the mess hall was miraculously rebuilt within 5 seconds thanks to the animators at TMS. Ironic, isn't it? The same animators also used turpentine to erase the Titan from the cel, and pretty much everything was back to normal.
"Welp, all's well that ends well!" Yakko quoted.
"What do you mean, everything's fine." Armin replied.
"Looks like we all forgot about-"
Keith Shadis barged through the door of the shed from the inside, and he did not look good. His skin was pale white, you could hear how fast his heart was beating, and he standing straighter than a wooden plank. It looked like he was going to have a heart attack.
"He sent me to the future!" Keith whispered in a voice similar to Christopher Lloyd, "Flying metal ships...that so-called electricity...gah!"
"Well, bye everybody, see you in Tibet." Yakko greeted rapidly. And I mean rapidly. He immediately grabbed his siblings and leaped forward a few hundred yards. But he stretched his neck to notify the Recon Corps about a thing he did.
"Oh, and by the way, do you realize how primitive his "special books" are compared to ours? I fixed that!"
"Come on, let's go!" Dot complained rapidly.
"Yeah, before I starve!"
After a few seconds, Keith finally made it past the crowd of Recon Corps.
"Ugh...just go to your cabins...I need to read my special books."
Wait for it….
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Everybody heard Keith Shadis choking, as if he was trying to breathe, but couldn't.
He had a heart attack.
XXX
Yakko, Wakko, and Dot jumped out of the poster, smoothly animated as always, and as happy as ever.
"Oh, by the way, what did you mean, 'You fixed his special books?'" Dot asked.
"Well, let's just say…"
"HELLOOOOOOOOOOO NURSE!" Yakko and Wakko answered collectively.
"Oh right. I guess there was no reason to say that in 845."
"Mwa! Good night everybody!"
"So, Yakko, what do you want to do now?" Wakko asked.
"Do you wanna make fun of the Disney Channel?" Dot asked.
"Punish Michael Bay?" Wakko asked.
"Try to eradicate Common Core?"
"Try to get Half-Life 3 released?"
"No."
Yakko looked at the Blu-Ray box right next to the box of AoT posters.
"How about we pester another anime character?"
"Which one?" Wakko asked.
"Did you see when I sent Keith flying out of the church window?"
"No...but I do know what you're talking about!"
"Right! How about a show where the cowboys...ARE aliens?"
"Oh, boy. This is going to be fun." Dot deadpanned.
"Hm. You won't so bored when we start."
The Warners jumped into the Blu-Ray case and phased inside, ready to do their usual schtick...
And this time, they know what they're working with.
TO BE CONTINUED