The man stood, an incredulous look on his face as a calm, dark man stood before him, criticizing his every move. He was supposed to be perfect.. why wasn't the man staring at him with jealousy in his eyes by now?
The dark man smirked lazily and stopped by the vampire's side.
"And you -sparkle-?"
He nodded, feeling a little nervous underneath the potion master's gaze.
"...Vampires do not sparkle, Mr. Cullen. Try again."
He protested angrily, "But we -do- sparkle!"
Black, pitless eyes eyed him up and down for a few moments, and then the quill scribbled across the clipboard hurriedly as the man murmured, "Sparkling vampires..."
"..Are you writing down everything I say?" He sputtered indignantly, brushing his supposed flawless bronze hair out of his wicked, golden eyes.
"...Yes. Only, I am making a little...adjustment, to your words, we'll say."
The vampire then proceeded to make a fool of himself, trying to jump up and down to get the floating clipboard, but when the quill moved, the clipboard moved, and he failed horribly.
"..What is your full name, Mr. Cullen?"
"Edward Anthony Cullen." He smirked cockily.
"Edward..Anthony..Cullen.. is a vampire who.. sparkles.. and does not get burnt..while in sunlight.. And is supposedly flawless.. but Severus Snape can argue otherwise.." The dark man murmured out of the corner of his mouth to the quill, which hastened to obey.
"When you put it like that, it sounds stupid!" He sputtered again, looking like a fish out of water as he gaped at the man.
"..Of course. That -is- what I am aiming for, afterall." The dark man strode around him exactly three times and stopped infront of him. Then, the man in the robes proceeded to ruffle his hair roughly, bring his hand up under the sparkly vampire's chin, gazing into his eyes, and then waving his wand so that the vampire sunk into a seated position infront of him. Raising his head straight and proud, he folded his hands behind his back and proceeded to pace back and forth into the befuddled, indignant, sputtering vampire.
"Vampires do not -sparkle-, Mr. Cullen. They do not sparkle, when they go out into sunlight, they burn. Vampires do not communicate with humans – they eat them. Vampires do not -eat- vampires, because that is for -wussy- vampires, and you are a wussy vampire, aren't you, Mr. Cullen?" Before the Cullen had time to answer, Snape nodded. "Of course you are. And that is why I call you foolish and unreal, because all these stupid little girls gape over you because you SPARKLE. And you have.. that..stupid..hair!" With every dotdotdot in the sentence, he brought his wand down, rapped it sharply on the old vampire's head, and then swished it through the air, and Edward Cullen disappeared.
And thus, that was why Severus Snape became the new hottest sensation on the planet and Edward Cullen became the invisible, sad, still sputtering, indignant vampire.
Because Edward Cullen—let's all face it- sparkles. And real men DO NOT SPARKLE.
And does Severus Snape sparkle? Of course they do not. But somewhere on this planet of strange things, Severus Snape is wishing that Edward Cullen still existed, because really, fangirls chasing him is not what he wanted.. at all.