To her, love is looking through a transparent glass.
She watches his tall frame as he gazes down from the rooftop, like a silent guardian of an oblivious city. His unruly brown hair dances in the wind covering and uncovering his blue-green eyes – the kind of eyes she's only ever seen in the Blackthorns. It is neither the color of the sapphire nor the ocean. It is neither the color of emerald nor grass, but a beautiful mix of both.
He turns to face her then and frowns. "I don't see it anymore," he says to her.
Turquoise, she decides. His eyes look like polished turquoise in the sunlight. Beautiful.
He tilts his head to one side. "Emma?" he says her name the way he's always said it – with his lips parting softly to pronounce the syllables, his voice like warm honey, sending shivers down her spine. She feels her heart beat faster and her mind cloud as realization hits her hard, like an avalanche… unstoppable, inescapable, and deadly.
Emma watches the corner of his lips pull down into a frown. He is by her side within seconds.
"Emma, what's wrong?"
She feels the tips of his fingers brush lightly along her hairline, and she resists the urge to lean in to that touch, to feel the warmth of his palm against her cheek, to brush her lips against his skin.
"Emma…"
She snaps out of her trance with a jolt, jumping away from him like she had just been burned. His turquoise eyes blink with surprise a few times before looking worriedly at her once more.
"Hey –" he starts.
"I'm okay," she assures, surprised how whole her voice sounded, very unlike the vicious clutter inside her head. "I was just lost in my thoughts."
He leans back. "Right," he says, his tone unsure, unbelieving. She looks away from him as she tightens her fists. Her heart is still pounding against her chest. She feels like she is drowning.
Please let this go. Please don't ask.
Thankfully, he nods. She knows he does not believe her, but he knows her well enough to know when to stop asking questions.
"I think they're gone," he says, nodding towards the horizon. The sun is almost setting, and every now and then, she sees lights flickering on one by one.
"Yes, it's likely the demon is biding its time," Emma confirms. "We've wounded it severely, and when it comes out next, it will be weak. We kill it then."
"Right," he says, sheathing his dagger unto his belt. He turns away from which they had come and her blue eyes follow him.
Julian Blackthorn – the person who knows her best. Her parabatai, her best friend. The only person in the world she's not allowed to feel this way about.
It is heavy, her heart, as she realizes how it feels like to be trapped inside a glass cage, seeing all the beauty of the things around you but unable to touch them or feel them. Closing your eyes and hearing the musical laughter of home, but knowing that even though they can hear you and you can hear them, you are forever separated, forever wondering what it would feel like to be totally there – to reach out to the warm sun, and instead feel cold against your fingers.
This is how she feels for Julian. She can forever think about the color of his eyes, or the way his lips curl up when he smiles, but she knows she cannot reach towards him and press her lips against his. She can forever listen to the magic of his laugher or the way he says her name, but she knows she cannot own it, not really. And she can forever wonder what it would feel like to be his – to reach from her heart to his, and instead feel the weight of the parabatai rune dragging her down and rendering her unable to break out of her glass cage.
"You coming?" he called, halfway down the fire escape.
She wills her feet to move, but her world has stopped. She is drowning, lying in the cold amidst the storm inside her.
"Aren't we forever?" he had asked her then.
Of course we are, she answers him now. But forever is too long a time for a love like this.