Author's note: If you like boy bands, this fic is not for you, I intend to offend no one
(ok, i intend to offend EVERYONE, but i couldn't actually SAY that now
could i?) although i have eased up on my relena bashing in this one to
compensate. for those of you who are unfortunate enough
to like modern pop music (or have been living under a rock) Jonathan Davis and
Shirley Manson are the lead singers of KoRn and Garbage respectively. Kurt Cobain
is the late lead singer of Nirvana, and a true rock god. I own NOTHING!
Also, to clarify, i hate pop and rap. I listen to hard rock, punk, and classical.
that said....
Relena (narrating): It's celebrity guest star day on Gundam WIng!!!!
Heero: (narrating): Random celebrities will be filling in for gundam
charachters and mass panic will ensue.
Lady Une: we will be narrating. Playing the five gundam pilots will be
the backstreet boys, Treize will be played by Kurt Cobain, deceased
lead singer from Nirvana, Zechs Merquise will be played by Jonathan
Davis of KoRn.
Heero: I will be played by Howie D. Duo will be played by A.J, Quatre will
be played by...*cracks up*
Quatre: NICK CARTER???
WuFEi: INJUSTICE!!! Kevin is WEAK!
ZEchs: anyway, Wufei will be played by kevin and Quatre will be played by
nick carter. Brian will be playing Trowa.
Treize: Relena will be played by Mandy Moore, Hilde will be played by
Christina Aguilera, Sally will be played by Britney spears, Jessica
simpson will be playing Dorothy, and mariah carey will be playing
Catherine. Oh god... *cracks up*
Heero: *trying to stop laughing* Noin and Lady Une will be played by Lil' Kim
and Shirley Manson respectively.
Treize: hey wait a minute, Kurt Cobain's dead.
WuFEi: Technically, so are you. bear in mind we're only doing this because the almighty
authoress is making us.
Lady K: because i can....muahahahaaaaaaaa!
Relena: aaaaaanyway....
Kurt cobain: Colonel Davis, unidentified flying objects are infiltrating earth's
atmosphere. It's operation boy band for sure.
Jonathan Davis: I know, but i've got bigger problems at the moment...I CAN'T FIND
MY PROZAC.
Kurt cobain: not again, man.
Jonathan davis: Our ship is close enough that we can attempt to blow one of them
up.
Kurt cobain: cool. DUDE! it says in the script that Shirley Manson's supposed to
give me a bath!
Jonathan: *mumbling incoherently* DAMN YOU MAN!!! anyway...yeah, cool. i'll go blow
them up.
Relena: meanwhile, on earth...
Mandy Moore: I can't believe brad pitt forgot my birthday. any normal girl would spaz
out over this. *sigh* *looks up* wow! hey cool, a dead body on the beach! I
should, like, maybe get a lifeguard or something!
*Enter Pamela Lee-anderson*
Pamela: like, whoa i think he's still breathing. lets call, like, 911!
Mandy Moore: ok.
Howie D: *gets up* now that you've seen me i can't let you live! *looks down and notices
that he's wearing spandex* SPANDEX???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *runs away*
Mandy Moore: hi! i'm mandy moore.
Pamela: ok.
Lady Une: but Howie D passes out a block away and is taken to the alliance militairy
hospital by Major/Doctor Britney spears.
Howie D: WHAT!?! Britney SPEARS is a DOCTOR?!?!
Kurt cobain: So dude, You blew it up, right?
Jonathan Davis: yeah. it like, landed in the ocean and all, but i think the dude lived.
Kurt Cobain: DUDE, you were supposed to kill him.
Jonathan davis: yeah, whatever. You wanna like, ask shirley manson to assasinate somebody?
Kurt cobain: cool. How bout brad pitt?
Jonathan davis: K.
Kurt Cobain: 4 other boy band guys landed on earth. their mobile suits were made of
gundanium alloy.
Jonathan davis: dude, hard core.
Kurt Cobain: but we didn't like, shoot any of them down, and they're destroying, uh...
stuff. you totally f***** it up, man.
Jonathan davis: shut up, dude, i gotta go to some meeting thing at Lake Victoria or some
$***.
Kurt Cobain: cool.
Relena: so Jonathan Davis goes to Lake Victoria militairy base to meet with Instructor Lil'
Kim.
Lil' Kim: y'all are now official members of Oz. Your first order as soldiers is to...lick me.
Oz guy: M'am, yes m'am!
Other Oz guy: *drools*
Enter Jonathan Davis
Lil' Kim: Jonathan Davis? It's been 1 year, 13 days, 12 minutes and 15 seconds.
Jonathan: Yes, it is i, Jonathan Davis *starts mumbling incoherently*
Lil' Kim: you wanna go get it on?
Jonathan: ok, but lemme take some prozac first.
Lady Une: back at the alliance militairy hospital...
Britney spears: It's remarkable, he has no pulse and no brain activity, yet he still seems
to be functioning.
mandy Moore: yeah, is he gonna be, like, Ok?
Britney spears: i don't, like, know?
Mandy Moore: ok. i gotta go to like, a meeting in the space colonies with brad pitt.
Britney spears: Oh, he's HOT!!!
Lady Une: while they are talking about how hot brad pitt is, A.J manages to sneak into the
hospital and help Howie D. escape. Who writes this? Please tell me so i can kill them.
AJ: cool, let's do a perfectly choreographed dance routine and jump out this window!
Howie D. : cool!
*dance around the room and jump out the window*
Britney spears: like. OH. My. god! those two hot guys just like, jumped out a second story
window!
Mandy moore: cool, but i gota catch my flight with BRAD!
*cut to scene of Mandy Moore and Brad PItt on a space shuttle thingy. Shirley Manson takes the
seat accross from them.*
Shirley manson: good afternoon, brad pitt.
Brad pitt: I have no need to assosciate with Oz people.
Shirley manson: That was harsh. * Pushes buttons on her exploding happy meal toy of doom *tm*
thinking to herself: "i will kill them both with my exploding happy meal toy of
doom!"
RElena: at the colony summit meeting thingy...
Lady Une: has anyone noticed that shirley manson does a horrible job playing me?
Noin: at least you aren't being played by lil' kim.
Treize: or Kurt Cobain.
Relena: aanyyywayyy...
Brad PItt: i'm sorry, Lieutenant Colonel Lady shirley manson *breath* but you'll have to leave
during the meeting.
Shirley Manson: fine, as long as i can get the transcripts afterward.
mandy Moore: Brad, i'm going to go do some shopping, can i have your credit card, pleeeeeeze??
Shirley manson leaves the room but leaves the exploding happymeal toy of doom *tm* on the table
outside the room.
Shirley Manson: Muahahaha! 5 minutes, and the exploding happymeal toy of doom *tm* explodes,
killing brad pitt and starting a revolution!!!
mandy moore runs out of the builidng waving the exploding happymeal toy of doom *tm*
Mandy Moore: Excuse me, you forgot your happy meal toy!
Shirley manson: *grabs the happymeal toy* DAMN YOU!!! *tosses it through the window, it exlpodes*
Mandy Moore: NOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! BRAD!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs back into the flaming
building and finds brad pitt barfing up his guts*
Mandy Moore: NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!
Brad Pitt: BEfore i barf up the last of my entrails, there's something i must tell you...I'm not
your biological father.
Mandy Moore: Gah, i like, already KNEW That!
Brad Pitt: anyway, you are really the princess of the skank kingdom, the pacifist nation known for
PEACE. Beware of the...Oz...organization...*barfs up some intestines*
mandy Moore: cool, so i get to rule my own pacifist country? WOW!
Heero: back on earth...
Kurt Cobain: you wanna go smoke some weed later, man?
Jonathan Davis: Dude, i thought me and Lil' Kim were gonna blow up some $hit.
Kurt Cobain: aw, dude, you're right. I think Shirley Manson's supposed to be giving me a bath soon,
I'll talk to you later.
Lil' Kim: Holy $hit, dude, that preppy pop star is destroyin' our militairy base!
Jonathan Davis: *watches Kevin (in gundam 05) blowing random things up* DUDE! hard core! let's go
blow him up.
Lil' Kim: ok.
Kevin: You are all weak and have no integrity. And your choreography is horrible, yo!
Lil' Kim: i'monna blow yo sorry azz to f****** kingdom come!
kevin: Lil' Kim? I refuse to fight hot women, they don't belong on the battlefeild!!!
Lil' Kim: *self detonates for no apparent reason*
Jonathan Davis: What the F***?
*cut to totally random scene of Nick Carter blowing things up in sandrock*
Nick carter: surrender and i won't have to kill you...Oh come *ON* you guys i'm the sweet,
innocent gay one here, show some love.
Enemy guy: I will never surrender!!!
Nick carter: *blows him up* sorry dude, i warned 'ya.
*cut to totally random shot of Brian in Heavyarms blowing things up*
Brian: Come on, die already! i only have so many bullets! *runs out of
bullets* DAMNIT!
Cut to scene of Mandy Moore, who, in the last five minutes, has become the queen of the
skank kingdom.
Jessica simpson: this is like, sOOOOo cool, you get to like, be in charge of your own country.
Mandy Moore: i KNOW! isn't it SOOOOOO COOL!
Jessica simpson: you know what you should do...
Mandy Moore: Hot boys don't have to pay income tax!!!!!!
Jessica simpson: YEAH!!!!!!!
Heero: meanwhile, back at...uh, Treize's secret bathtub headquarters, the Oz people are getting
baked in the jacuzzi...
Kurt Cobain: dude, the whole world would be, like, soooooo much better if everyone did purple
sticky punch.
Jonathan Davis: yeah, dude, i gotta compliment you on being able to get this SERIOUSLY good stuff.
Kurt Cobain: so, like, whaddaya wanna do, man?
Jonathan Davis: uh, can we smoke some more weed?
Kurt Cobain: whatever, man. Hey, where'd Lil' Kim go, anyway, dude?
Jonathan Davis: I think she's workin outta that skank kindom now, 'cuz they don't charge hot guys
income tax. Sux, man.
Kurt Cobain: yeah, dude. We should move there too.
Jonathan Davis: uh, dude, we're not hot. besides, like, the boy band lives there.
Kurt Cobain: $hit, man...Hey, i got an idea...let's blow 'em up!
Jonathan Davis: yeah, dude!!!
Kurt Cobain: dude, we got that battle station thing in like, space, than chief engineer
Marilyn Manson just finished, and we can like, drop it on 'em!
Jonathan DAvis: cool, man. how is ol' marilyn anyway?
Kurt cobain: never really liked, him dude, but what the hell.
WuFEi: Injustice!!!!!!!!!
Lady Une: his excellency most certainly does *not* smoke marijuana!
*Treize and Zechs blush and run away*
WuFei: these celebrities have no integrity! They're totally screwing up
the entire plot! They must be defeated!
Heero: Mission...Accepted. *takes of in wing zero custom*
Quatre: we shouldn't be fighting! I love the backstreet boys!
Trowa: o_0
Noin: uh...so in the sank kingdom...
Jessica Simpson: like, what do you want to do NOW miss Moore?
Mandy Moore: OOOh! let's go give a long wordy lecture on the importance
of pop music...or total pacifism or something!
Jessica Simpson: Hey, yeah, cool.
Lil' Kim: Yo, what's that over there? *points out the window where the backstreet boys
are blowing up a bunch of mobile dolls*
Mandy Moore: like, oh my gosh, yo! they're having a war thingy in MY pacifist kingdom!
Howie D.: I will carry out my mission!
AJ : This is like SOooo cool, i'm like, the god of death or whatever!
Nick : come ON, surrender already!
Kevin: DIE WEAKLINGS DIE!
Brian: .......
Lil' Kim: I'monna go stop them hot thangs from killin eachother. Maybe we can get a lil
som'in som'in later, you cool?
Jessica Simpson: MASSIVE ORGY!!!!
Mandy Moore: but we're role models for millions of little girls everywhere, we're supposed
to be talking about virginity and stuff.
Lil' Kim: o_O
Mandy Moore: i didn't mean you, no offense.
Jessica simpson: but they're the backstreet boys!!!!!
Mandy Moore: disreguard everything i just said.
Dorothy: THat's IT!!!! YOu MUST BE DESTROYED!!!!!!!!!!! *gets in her lil zero system room or
whatever and sends an army of mobile dolls.*
Quatre and RElena: This battle is meaningless! we shouldn't be fighting!!
WuFei: We must fight to preserve our integrity!!!! who's with me!!!!!
Everyone except for relena and Quatre: YEAH!!!!
Noin: count me in.
Lady Une: me too. Shirley Manson. What WERE they thinking!
WuFEi: HEY! wait just a minute! no weak women!
Noin: whatever.
Kurt Cobain: uh, dude, maybe we shouldn't drop that battle station thing on the
skank kingdom. THey're the world's leading producer of purple sticky punch.
Jonathan davis: why am i not surprised? anyway, i'm going to blow it up so that
people everywhere can know the horror that is meaningless pop princesses and
boy bands!!!!!
Kurt Cobain: dude, like, calm down, man.
Jonathan Davis: They are a threat to the colonies and stuff. they must be destroyed
becuase they're WEAK and PREPPY and they ANNOY ME!!!!!
Kurt Cobain: aw, shit, you didn't take your meds, did you.
Jonathan Davis: DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!!!!!!!
*phone rings, and Kurt Cobain picks up*
Kurt Cobain: dude...what, shirley manson got shot?...Marilyn Manson?...dude, i'm confused,
i thought this was pizza hut...what do you mean 'you called me'?...
Jonathan Davis: eeeeeheheheheeeee! bloodbathbloodbathbloodbath!!!!!!! *takes off in epyon*
Kurt Cobain: dude, what the f***! that's MINE! Alright, but i'm taking yours. *takes off in
tallgeese*
Mandy Moore: i'm like, so glad we got to borrow this spaceship thingy!
Britney Spears: Yeah! thanks so much, Lil' Kim!
Jessica Simpson: *looks up from painting Christina Aguilera's nails* Isn't it like, so
cool! and the backstreet boys are blowing those other guys up.
Lil'Kim: hey, isn't that another spaceship over there, y'all?
Mandy Moore: Oh my god she's right, we're gonna crash!
the two ships crash
Christina Aguilera: Noooooooooooo! they've chipped a nail!
AJ *somewhere in the middle of blowing up a bunch of mobile dolls*: NOOO! Christina broke
a nail! How DARE they park their space station in her way!
Kevin: YOu have horrible choreography and your music is all angsty and LOUD! i'm going to
defeat you!
Kurt Cobain: what the hell? i'm trying to blow up Jonathan's ass, he's the one trying to
destroy the earth!
Kevin: I don't CARE about the EARTH! I care about GRUNGE bands trying to destroy
mass-manufactured bubblegum pop!
Mandy Moore: Dude! the two ships are gonna like crash into the earth!
Lil' Kim: aw, F***!
Britney spears: why is THAT a bad thing?
Mandy Moore: BECAUSE WE'RE ON ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!
jessica simpson: and then we'd have to like, live in the colonies!
Britney spears: oh, okay!
Jessica Simpson: And on top of that, Christina's gone catatonic because of her botched
manicure! I think i'm gonna go help that other guy blow up the earth, this is
boring!
Kurt Cobain: Dude, i don't get this why do you wanna blow me up?
Kevin: Because you're EVIL!!!!
-WuFei appears from nowhere-
WuFei: YOu shall BOTH BE DEFEATED!!!!!!
Kurt Cobain: dude, who are you?
WuFEi: I am WUFEI and i shall DEFEAT YOU for you are WEAK and UNJUST!!!!!!!!!!
Kurt Cobain: What?
Kevin: Dude!
-At this point, Treize also appears from nowhere-
Kurt Cobain: no, wait, dude, don't tell me, you're...the pizza guy?
Kevin: DUDE!
WuFei: MORE weaklings i have to fight? THis is such a meaningless battle...but i have to
defeat...wait, who am i trying to defeat?
Treize: boy bands.
WuFei: YES! I will defeat weak boy bands!
Treize: me too.
Kurt Cobain: but i'm not IN a boy band, I'm from Nirvana.
Treize: then i'll let you live. as for the other guy he will be destroyed!
Kevin: DU- -before he has time to finish saying 'dude' he gets nailed by the dragon fang,
and the beam sabers from both tallgeese II's (Hey I"M the author and if I say there's
two, then damnit, there are two!)
meanwhile on the big battlestation of death thing that Jonathan Davis is trying to ram into
the earth...
Jessica Simpson: Like, HI! i'm jessica simpson. we were really bored on the other spaceship
and i was wondering, do you want me to like, help destroy the earth?
Jonathan Davis: Of course. earth sucks. Although the ship is damaged, the massive beam cannon
is still funcioning, so if we don't crash into earth, we can always just blow it up.
and we're running mobile dolls on the zero system now, you can be in charge of that.
Jessica Simpson: NEAT!!!! I'll go do that!
But while she's ordering her mobile dolls around (Virgo mobile dolls) THe ones dorothy sent
arrive and they start blowing eachother up. (Dorothy's mobile dolls are leos, just to make it
less confusing)
Jessica Simpson: DIEEEEEEEE these Leos are my ENEMY and they must be DESTROYED!!!!!! MUAHAHAAAAA!
Dorothy: EEEEEEEEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeee!!!! go! go, my pretties! KILL KILL KILL!!! eeeeheheheee!
*for no apparent reason, the wicked witch of the west song plays in the background*
meanwhile, the original gundam pilots have destroyed all the backstreet boys. Amid the confusion,
Noin and Lady Une flew over to the part of the spaceship where the teen queens were.
Mandy Moore: LIke, OH MY GOD!!!! the two ships are gonna like, crash into earth, and i'm gonna break
a nail!
Lady Une (without the glasses): We have room for all of you on our shuttle and can help evacuate.
Britney Spears: Oh, cool, thanks, like, sooooooooo much!
Noin: *grits her teeth* don't mention it.
All the teen queens get on the shuttle and sit in the back watching TRL.
Britney Spears: Carson is SOOOOOOOOO majorly HOT!
Mandy Moore: yeah...
Suddenly, the hatch thing at the back of the shuttle opens and all the bubblegum pop
princesses are sucked out into the vaccum of space. Their bodies freeze instantly.
Noin: I have to hand it to you, that was a good idea.
They turn the shuttle around and start firing lazer beams at the frozen corpses.
Lady Une (with the glasses): see, didn't i tell you that tossing people out of planes and
shooting them is a great form of anger management.
Noin: you've got a point. we should do this more often.
Lady Une: hey, weren't there supposed to be more of them? i get the feeling we missed one.
Noin: hey, you're right. where's jessica simpson?
*phone rings*
Noin: it's for you.
Lady Une: Mr. Treize! hi....no...we missed one. She will be destroyed. 'k. bye! *hangs up*
I'VE FAILED HIS EXCELLENCY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Noin: oh god, not again...
Lady Une: does this thing have a self-detonation switch?
Noin: what the hell is wrong with you! i'm on this shuttle too! besides, self detonating
would be against his ideals anyway.
It is about this point that relena and quatre mysteriously appear on all the comm screens and
big screens on the colonies and start singing hippie songs while waving flowers and lighters.
Quatre: aaaaaaaaaalllllll we are ssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayying, is giiiiiive peace a chance.
Relena: comeon people now...smiiiile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one
another right now...right now...
back in space...
Heero: we've blown up all the backstreet boys. mission...complete.
Duo: yup. another job well done...but, uh...Zechs, Treize, i think relena and quatre kinda found
your 'medicinal herbs'. hehehe.
Treize: *muttering under his breath*damn them. no matter. they can be dealt with later. our work
here is not completely finished. the battlestation is still headed for earth.
Kurt : dude, i TOLD him to take his prozac.
Zechs: the problem still remains. one of us still has to go in there and self detonate to keep the
damned thing from destroying the earth. the remaining teen queen is still there, along with
jonathan davis. we'd be taking them both out. the trouble is, who wants to self detonate.
Kurt, Zechs, Treize, and Heero raise their hands.
Duo: there's no way we're sending me or heero, the self detonation thingys never actually work.
trowa: why can't we just fire our beam cannons and/or gatlin guns at it?
Treize: because that would be lazy. someone always has to die for peace, didn't you learn anything
from those 49 episodes?
heero: he's just touchy because in the series he IS the one who has to die for peace.
Treize: *mumbles* shutup. humph!
Kurt: i'll go. it's better to burn out than fade away. besides, my death would restore balance
to the gundam wing universe.
Duo: he's got a point. it's settled then.
Lady K: so he does, and the shattered remains of the ship cascade down to earth like millions
of shooting stars and total pacifism is attained at last...until i do the sequel: endless
waltz; starring...THE OLSEN TWINS as Marimaia! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!
Everyone: o_0
Dorothy: she really is positively evil....