Ellis Grey was always grateful when her day off coincided with a school holiday. It really did kill her when she had to leave Meredith with a babysitter or housekeeper, but that was the way surgery worked. When she told Meredith that she would be off on Veteran's day the little girl had been so excited that Ellis had decided to take an early shift the day before that let her off work just before Meredith's school let out. She did that every once in a while, to speak with the teacher.
Then there was the added bonus of seeing Meredith's eyes light up as she ran to her mother waiting outside of her classroom door. Ellis caught the little blonde-haired girl in her arms and inhaled the smell of her little-girl shampoo. "Hello, Meredith. Did you have a good day?"
"Yup, Mommy, I made an "A" on my spelling test and I did the math problem on the board!" Ellis smiled and stood up.
"Good girl, go and get in the car, okay? I want to talk to Mrs. Winters." Meredith ran off after accepting the keys and Ellis entered the classroom.
"Why, hello there Dr. Grey, how can I help you?" the teacher asked as she closed the classroom door and picked up things that had fallen to the floor and not been picked up during the hurry to get out of class.
"I just wanted to see how she's doing. I know it's been a while since I've been able to talk to you."
"Yes, well, she's made great progress. She's much more receptive to her peers now, and I'm sure you have seen the improvement in her grades. I think we can safely say, she's a different girl from the one you brought in here at the beginning of the school year."
Ellis nodded, remembering how Meredith had clung to her when she dropped her off that first day. The tears in her daughter's eyes still haunted her, but she seemed to be doing so much better. More than once, Ellis had come home to see Meredith playing with the neighbor's children or coloring happy pictures of horses at the kitchen table, not using the dark crayons that had almost been used up right after the divorce.
"Good, I'm glad. I'm spending the holiday with her."
"That's wonderful," the woman said and Ellis was a little bit annoyed at the patronizing tone. Obviously the schoolteacher did not know how difficult it was to get entire weekends off from the hospital. "Oh, Dr. Grey? She's had a little cough today, that I would watch if I were you. It's probably nothing, but she seemed a bit listless at recess too."
Ellis couldn't help but think that listlessness was better than hanging upside down from the monkey bars and letting the boys see her panties, but she nodded. "I'll keep a close eye on her, thanks Mrs. Winters," she assured the woman, before going out into the hall and out to the parking lot.
Meredith had buckled herself into her car-seat and was grinning proudly. "I did it, Mommy!" she explained, and then she coughed.
"Are you okay, Meredith?" Ellis asked, as she started the car.
"Yes, Mommy. Mommy, when we get home can we watch the Wizard of Oz? I like that movie."
"How about we get you into play-clothes and have dinner first? Then we can watch it."
Meredith seemed to seriously consider this for a minute, she turned her head and stared out at the Boston traffic that her mother was currently trying to navigate and finally nodded seriously. "Okay. That will work." Ellis smiled and turned on the radio, Meredith hummed along with it the rest of the way to their house.
She surprised Ellis by not hopping out of the car of her own accord, but waiting until her mother came around and allowing herself to be unbuckled and lifted out of the car. Once she was on the concrete, however, she ran up the front steps and into the house, her hair flying out behind her.
"Christine!" she called, running through the door. Ellis smiled as she unloaded a bag of groceries from the back. "Mommy? Where's Christine?"
"She has the weekend off, sweetheart."
Meredith's eyes went wide. "Really? It's really just you and me, all weekend?"
"Yes," Ellis said, stepping through the front door and beginning to put up the groceries as Meredith danced around her. She had just put the last box of Macaronis 'n' cheese up in the cupboard when Meredith began to cough again, hard this time. Ellis rushed over to kneel in front of her. "Meredith? Baby, are you all right?" she looked up and nodded as her coughs subsided.
"I must've had something in my throat. I'm okay."
Ellis smoothed down Meredith's hair and nodded. "All right, go change into play-clothes and I'll make dinner, okay?"
"What are we havin'?"
"Go get out of your uniform and you'll find out."
Meredith wrinkled her nose, but scampered off towards the stairs. Ellis smiled to herself as she got out the ingredients for lasagna, the messiest food ever and Meredith's favorite. She had just set the oven timer when Meredith ran back in, wearing jeans and a t-shirt with a picture of the Space Needle on it. This tugged at Ellis, for just a second, as she remembered Meredith's first trip up to the top of the building and being called away for surgery.
"Mommy? Can you put my hair up?" Meredith asked, holding up a scrunchie. Ellis took it and put Meredith's hair into a ponytail. "Thank you. What's for dinner?"
Ellis didn't answer, just scooped the girl up and let her look into the oven.
"Lasaga!" she exclaimed.
"Lasagna," Ellis corrected, laughing and setting the girl back on her feet. "Can you set the table for me?" Meredith nodded and Ellis watched as she carefully carried plates and glasses to their small kitchen table. "What are you forgetting?"
"Napkins!" Meredith called out. "And scalpels."
Ellis shook her head. "Knives, Meredith. Scalpels for surgery, knives for eating, remember?"
"Oh yeah," the girl's brow wrinkled. "I forgot. Can I go play now?"
"What are you going to play?"
"Um…. Crayons."
"Okay, go ahead, but only at your desk, remember. We don't want crayon on the carpet again."
"Why? Because Christine isn't here to clean it?"
Ellis sighed. "No, Meredith. Because crayons only go on paper."
"And paint goes on walls? So what goes on carpet?"
"Well, dye, I suppose, but if you want new carpet you have to have it replaced."
Meredith nodded, absorbing this. "Good thing you don't need new walls whenever you want a new color."
"I never thought of that. Go color, if you want to finish a picture before dinner." Meredith nodded and ran off towards the stairs. Ellis could hear the Puff the Magic Dragon record as soon as Meredith's door opened. Thatch hated that song.
"She's too young for that kind of music! Why on Earth did Richard buy it for her?"
"Relax, Thatcher, she won't understand it, she just likes to dance to it. Richard bought it because she likes it!"
Ellis shook her head, attempting to push both men from her mind. Glancing at the timer she gauged that she had just enough time to make a salad and change clothes before dinner was ready.
"Do you want another breadstick Meredith?" Ellis asked her daughter, who was pushing the half eaten lasagna around with her fork. She shook her head. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"
Meredith looked up at her with big eyes. "I'm sorry, Mommy, I guess I'm not hungry."
"One more bite and then you can get down, okay?" She usually pushed for a clean plate, but that was usually because Meredith was too busy chattering to eat. Now she took the tiniest bite imaginable, before taking her plate and glass to the sink, without being asked, and retreating to the living room.
Ellis finished her own dinner and cleaned the dishes before going out to the living room holding the Wizard of Oz in her lap and staring at the blank TV.
"Looks like someone's ready to watch a movie," Ellis said, cheerfully. Meredith nodded and stood up to pop in the VHS. Ells settled on the couch and Meredith climbed up next to her. They watched as the movie opened, and as Dorothy began to sing "Somewhere over the Rainbow", Ellis noticed that Meredith was still being oddly quiet. Usually she was at least humming along; still she giggled at the comedic farm hands and pulled up closer to her mother when Ms. Gulch came onto screen, so Ellis attempted to let go of her worry.
"Mommy? Can I be the Wicked Witch for next Halloween?"
Ellis laughed. Trust Meredith to want to be the one with green skin, and not the pretty, pink-wearing, witch. "That's a long time away, we'll have to see. Oh, look there are the munchkins!"
"Richard used to call me 'munchkin'," Meredith said quietly. This surprised Ellis a little, Meredith had not spoken of Richard or her father in several weeks.
"Yes, he did," Ellis agreed, and Meredith did not say anything else about it. Ellis ran her fingers through the child's hair and heard the distinct sounds of Meredith sucking her thumb. So they were still there, the scars of being moved around so suddenly. Poor baby.
As the movie progressed Ellis found herself losing interest in it. She noted the part where it looked as if a munchkin had hung himself in the background and smirked to herself. She generally had no tolerance for urban legends, partly because when you worked in a hospital you saw even stranger things.
Meredith always loved it when they entered the Emerald City.
"Mommy? How did they make the horses change color?"
"I don't know, sweetheart, what do you think?"
"Paint. Or maybe marker. Crayon doesn't work on hair."
Ellis wasn't exactly sure that she wanted to know how Meredith had found that one out.
She loved nights like this, there hadn't been many in Seattle, but now that it was just the two of them she tried to be home more. Sometimes, it just wasn't possible. It was taking time to prove herself to her mostly-male colleagues, and they did not understand her taking time off to be with her daughter, but they were learning.
The wizard came onto the screen and Meredith turned her head away, leaning against Ellis.
"Meredith, are you being a Cowardly Lion?" she teased.
"Un-uh, but he's scary. See, Dorothy's scared."
"It's just pretend, Meredith, you don't have to be afraid," Ellis soothed, but Meredith kept her head turned away until the wizard was off the screen.
It grew dark out as the movie progressed, and Ellis was expecting another reaction from Meredith when the flying monkeys appeared. It wasn't so much the monkeys themselves as it was the fact that they picked apart the scarecrow that bothered her. Once, Ellis had told her that it didn't matter; a surgeon could put him back together. Meredith remained unconvinced.
Thus Ellis's surprise when Meredith did not so much as stir when the first flying monkey appeared. She pushed herself up on an elbow and looked over to see that Meredith had fallen asleep. She sat up and turned off the TV, and then gently lifted Meredith up, carrying her up the stairs to her room. She was light, on the bottom end of her age level percentile, and Ellis carried her easily. She only turned on a dim lamp in Meredith's bedroom and gently undressed her.
"Mommy?" Meredith murmured, barely opening her eyes as Ellis slid a nightgown over her head.
"Shh, it's okay, baby, go back to sleep." She pulled back the covers and helped Meredith slid under them. Before Ellis had kissed her good night the little girl was asleep again. Ellis left the room quietly, and stood alone in the quiet house.
This was the part that she hated. Without even a six-year-old to talk to, Ellis's mind turned into itself. It was not like this, sleeping in an on-call room, her head full of surgeries, only at home did the demons plague her. Well, she was determined not to let them get the better of her.
She went downstairs and took the movie out of the VCR, putting it back in its case and on the shelf. Meredith's backpack was on the floor by the front door, and she hung it up, checking the folder inside for homework. There was none, a completely free weekend. Ellis poured a glass of wine and sat down on the living room couch, thinking about her day. She had gone in the afternoon before for a twelve-hour shift, during which they had had a head-on collision come into the OR resulting in five different surgeries, two of which she had scrubbed in on. She had just finished sewing up in time to run by the store and then pick up Meredith.
She finished her wine and turned on the evening news, which had a feature on the car crash and some shooting downtown. That would have gone to Boston Memorial, not Boston General. Thank God, or else she might not have been able to get away. GSWs were always an ordeal, but there were more of them now. Once there had almost been a shoot out in the surgical ward when a rival gang member had been let in when he claimed to be family. The interns had termed it 'exciting' but to Ellis it was anything but; not exciting to be in the line of fire when she had a little girl at home to look out for.
Eventually, she turned off the TV and went upstairs to attempt to sleep, although she knew chances were that it would be a long time before she drifted off. She laid awake, images running through her head: Thatcher, who was too much of a coward to even sue for custody, and Richard. Richard, who could not leave Adele even though he did not love her, even though she did not understand what it meant to be a surgeon. It had hurt Ellis when he could not bring himself to come to Boston with them, and it still hurt. She tried her hardest to deny it, but the facts were the same.
She attempted to push this out of her head, instead thinking of Meredith's happiness throughout the evening. If it did not rain the next day she would take her to the park to run off some of that energy. She saw Mrs. Winters's point about the cough, but Meredith had not complained. It would probably run its course by morning. Ellis rolled over and stared at the ceiling before she finally fell asleep.
"Mommy?" Meredith's small voice crept into Ellis's dream, and she woke up quickly, glancing at the clock. Five after three in the morning.
"Meredith? What is it sweetie?" she murmured, sitting up. Meredith stood by the side of her bed and began to cough violently. Ellis pulled her towards her, putting one hand on the girl's small forehead. She was burning up. "Oh, baby, here come up here with me and I'll go get the thermometer, okay?"
Meredith nodded miserably and climbed up into the bed, burying her face into the pillow. Ellis went quickly down the hall and into the bathroom, grabbing the thermometer, Children's Tylenol and Children's Robitussin out of the medicine cabinet. Meredith was curled up into a ball around her stuffed elephant, her hair over her face. Ellis smoothed it back and stuck the thermometer into the little girl's mouth.
"There you go, sweetheart, we'll make a diagnosis, okay?"
Meredith nodded slowly, grabbing her mother's hand. When the thermometer came out it read one hundred and one, which was just over the edge of fever for a child. Meredith coughed miserably and Ellis sighed. She was showing symptoms of pneumonia. "Mommy," Meredith moaned and Ellis put a hand to her cheek.
"Okay, baby, I'm going to give you some medicine that should make you feel better and then we're going to go to the doctor in the morning, okay?"
She knew that she could have taken her into the hospital, but Meredith was drifting in and out of sleep, and she knew how long they would wait on a holiday weekend. They probably wouldn't even see a doctor until six in the morning. She helped Meredith sit up and swallow the medicines, before settling into bed next to her.
Meredith snuggled against her, shivering slightly, and Ellis pulled the quilt more tightly over both of them. "Mommy?" Meredith whispered into the darkness.
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"I love you."
Ellis smiled. "I love you too, baby."
Meredith slid deeper under the covers and was soon back asleep, but Ellis could not. Her doctor's ear was listening to Meredith's breathing, which seemed fairly normal. She kept one hand on her daughter's small arm, alert for temperature spikes. Meredith's sleep was troubled, somewhere around four her fever broke, and she tossed more than usual. At times she coughed, and Ellis thought for sure that she would wake, but she remained asleep.
At seven, her temperature began to rise again, and Ellis got out of bed to call the pediatrician. Thank God that the office was open on the holiday. She crept out of the room, leaving Meredith asleep and finally calm, the stuffed elephant tucked tightly under her arm and her blonde hair splayed around her. The sunlight shone on her, making her skin look pale and her hair glow. She was a beautiful child. Ellis watched her for a moment before leaving the room to go to the hall phone and dial the doctor.
"Hello, this is Ellis Grey; I need to make an appointment as soon as possible. Meredith is presenting with fever and a deep chest cough consistent with pneumonia." She vaguely realized that she was sounding like a doctor and not a mother, but she did not bother to dwell on it.
"Oh, um, let me see. We can work her in about nine, does that work for you?"
Ellis sighed. "I suppose that will be fine, if that's the soonest you can get."
"Yes it is, see you then."
"All right." She hung up and laid a hand on the table, scowling. At least she could let her sleep a little while more. She went into the kitchen and began to make toast, listening intently for the sound of stirring from her bedroom.
"Mommy!"
Ellis ran upstairs to find Meredith sitting up in bed, looking flushed. Ellis sat on the end of the bed and put her hand to Meredith's forehead. It was hotter than the night before, and she reached for the thermometer.
"Am I real sick?" Meredith asked, running her hand over the plush toy's fur.
"Not real sick, but we're going to the doctor this morning. Open up."
"But you're a doctor!"
"I'm a surgeon Meredith, not the same, you know that. I'm not the Meredith doctor."
Meredith shrugged and put her head in Ellis's lap, while her lips closed around the thermometer. Ellis stroked her hair and looked over at the window where yellow sunlight was shining through. No rain, but no park either; she'd have to do all that she could to make this seem like a vacation even if Meredith was sick.
"How about if after we go to the doctor we come back here and read together? And if you're feeling better we can make popcorn and watch another movie."
Meredith nodded and smiled. Ellis drew out the thermometer and held it up to the light. One hundred and four. She had a sick little girl on her hands.
"All right, let's get you dressed and ready, okay?" She got up and took Meredith's hand to lead her to her bedroom. She sat on her bed while Ellis rummaged through her closet, coming out with a cotton dress that would be comfortable and easy to slip off at the doctors. Meredith stood limply and let her mother dress her, clutching onto the elephant.
"Can Dumbo come with us?" she asked, as Ellis braided her hair. "To the doctor? He's afraid."
Ellis turned Meredith around to face her. "Sure he can, but you're going to be just fine. Okay?"
"Okay," Meredith said, but then she began to cough again. "It hurts, Mommy."
"Oh sweetheart, I know," Ellis murmured, drawing her against her chest. "It'll be okay. Do you want some toast?"
Meredith shook her head and Ellis heard her sniffle. She picked her up and sat on Meredith's bed rocking her gently. "I know you feel bad, sweetie." She wished that she could just fix this for her, but Ellis's skills weren't going to be much help. They sat there for a few minutes, and then Ellis gently set Meredith on the bed and stood up. "Do you want to take anything else to the doctor's with you?"
"No."
"Okay. We have a little while before your appointment, so let's go downstairs and you can watch TV."
Meredith grabbed her hand and walked slowly down the stairs. Ellis fixed her own toast and put another plate on the table, but Meredith flopped down on the couch and stared at the TV. Sesame Street. She definitely wasn't feeling well, since she usually classified that as a 'baby show'.
At eight-fifteen Ellis put Meredith in her jacket and walked her out to the car. She turned on the radio, but Meredith did not seem to notice. Her temperature had been steady at 104°. Halfway to the doctor she started coughing almost non-stop and Ellis could see tears on her cheeks in the rearview mirror. Why didn't she think to take a cab so that she could hold her?
She carried her, still coughing, into the doctor's office, and was directed to a waiting room chair and told that 'we're running behind schedule'. Hadn't they ever heard of triage? She thought that her child's painful coughing was probably more important than the thirteen-year-old football player's checkup. Meredith curled up in her lap, one finger playing with a lock of Ellis's hair.
"Meredith Grey?" the nurse finally called and Ellis stood, causing Meredith to whimper.
"This way," they were led to a small room with the typical scale and Meredith was reluctantly put down, weighed and measured. In the exam room she curled up on the paper sheet and pulled the stuffed elephant to her face. Ellis sat in a chair next to the table, feeling slightly out of place to not be the doctor in an exam room.
Meredith reached out a small hand and Ellis took it, running her finger over the top of Meredith's hand. The doctor took another fifteen minutes before she came in. they had only been here once before, for an initial check-up, and Ellis thought that the man seemed competent. He had come highly recommended.
"Good morning," she said brightly as she came in. "What have we here?"
"I don't feel well," Meredith offered, taking her thumb out of her mouth, but not looking up.
"She seems to have pneumonia," Ells explained, "She'll need a chest x-ray and blood tests, stat."
The doctor stared at her as he removed the stethoscope from his neck. He was giving her the 'What do you know? You're just a mother' look.
"That would be protocol in the ER, but a physical should suffice to make a diagnosis. Meredith, I'm going to listen to your chest, okay?"
Ellis stood; her hand still in Meredith's. "Excuse me, Dr. Miller, but I was under the impression that you would do a through exam before jumping to conclusions."
He drew away the stethoscope and glared at her. "Dr. Grey, you yourself said that you believe that Meredith has pneumonia."
"As her mother, I do. But as a doctor? I would never let a resident or intern base a diagnosis on taking her temperature and listening to her cough!"
"Dr. Grey, I assure you, I'm doing much more than that. I will be looking for palpitations and checking the percussion on the chest wall to localize the infection, not to mention the presence of rales."
"I waited an hour in your waiting room, then, for an exam I could have done myself. I do not, however, have the facilities to draw blood, which you do. I can, however, take her over to Boston General and they'll do it. Come on, baby, put your coat on."
"Mommy," Meredith whispered. "It's okay, he's the Meredith doctor, remember? You're a surgeon."
"That may be true, but I also know how to make a diagnosis. Get Dumbo. We're going."
She knew that she was being judgmental, that the exam would probably be just fine to get her daughter on the antibiotics that she needed. It was the look that that man gave her that made Ellis gather Meredith in her arms and leave. It was the fact that he obviously saw her as inferior, and if there was one thing she would never be, it was inferior. To anyone.
Outside of the office she used a pay-phone to call ahead to the hospital.
"Charlie? It's Ellis Grey, I'm bringing Meredith in. Can you have someone in peds check her out for me?"
"Ellis, your regular pediatrician—"
"Is an a-- a jerk. I wouldn't ask, but I think she has pneumonia, but I don't want to self-diagnose my daughter."
She heard the chief of surgery sigh. "All right, bring her by and go to the nurses' station at peds. I'll ask Joe to have an intern waiting for you."
"Thank you, Charlie." Ellis hung up and knelt down to be at eye-level with Meredith. "We're going to go to the hospital so that they can give you the medicine you need, okay? You won't have to stay there."
"Are you gonna work?" Meredith asked, tears welling up in her eyes.
"No, baby, I'm off this weekend, remember?"
"Yeah. Okay."
They loaded back up in the car and Ellis headed for her parking spot in the garage. As she lifted Meredith out of her car-seat again, one of the neurosurgeons, a Dr. Ashby was getting into his car.
"Ellis, I thought you weren't coming in today."
"I'm not, Roy, Meredith's sick. I'm bringing her in for some tests."
"Sure, that and you can't bring yourself to be away from this place."
Ellis scowled and shifted Meredith to her other hip. "I need to go, Roy. See you Monday."
"I do good on tests," Meredith mumbled into her ear and Ellis smiled.
"I know you do, but this isn't like your tests at school."
"Okay."
They went into the elevator to the pediatric floor, where, as promised, an intern was waiting. Ellis had at least a little confidence in her skill since training had begun in July, and she smiled when a blood test was ordered immediately after the chest exam. Ellis held Meredith in her arms as the technician prepared for the finger stick. Meredith didn't even seem to notice the needle, as her head rested on her mother's shoulder.
When they sat back out in the pediatric waiting room Ellis thought Meredith had fallen asleep until she felt the little girl's tears against her neck.
"Meredith?" she said, shifting Meredith so that she could see her face. "Why are you crying?"
"I ruined our weekend," Meredith sobbed. "An' now we can't go to the park or play outside or anything, 'cause I'm sick."
"Oh, honey," Ellis murmured, wiping a stream of tears with her finger. "It wasn't your fault. You can't help being sick any more than you can help having blonde hair." Until you're a teenager and discover dyes, at which point all bets are off. "It's not your fault, and I'm not mad. I love you. You're going to be just fine, and we'll have lots of other weekends when we can do those things. Okay?"
"Okay," Meredith said, sniffing through her tears. Ellis reached over for a tissue box on a nearby table and mopped the tears and snot off of Meredith's face before settling her back on her shoulder.
"Dr. Grey?" the intern said, coming into the room and sitting down near her. "You were right, she does have pneumonia. The films show that it's not too bad, though. Here's a prescription, and just let me know if she doesn't improve by tomorrow, okay?" He paused. "That is—I mean if there's anything else…."
She put a hand up. "You're fine. I'll mention it to your resident on Monday. Thank you very much."
Setting Meredith on the floor she took her hand and led her out of the waiting room, down the hall, and to the hospital pharmacy where she proceeded to fill Meredith's prescription herself. She wrote it off under a false patient's name, figuring they'd never bother to audit, and if they did doctor's self-filling their migraine prescriptions would out number her theft.
"Okay, Mer, time to go home," she announced, smiling down at the little girl. On the way home she drove through a McDonald's and let Meredith get a coke so that she could wash down the pill. Meredith smiled as she munched on a French fry, and Ellis smiled back. They would be all right.
She put Meredith into clean pajamas and brought up The Secret Garden to read aloud. It was one of Meredith's favorites.
"Mommy? Did Colin have ammonia?" she asked, running a finger over an illustration of the little boy in a large bed with his cousin standing nearby.
"Pneumonia. We use ammonia to clean; pneumonia is what's making you sick. I don't think so, sweetie, he was just sick a lot."
"I bet he didn't like it. I don't like being sick."
"I know you don't. But I think you're already feeling better." Her fever had broken an hour or so after they returned home and her cough was dying down a little bit.
"I do. Sort of. Mommy, are we going home for Christmas?"
Ellis closed the book, slipping her finger in between the pages to mark their place and slid down to be closer to her daughter. "No, angel. This is our home now, in Boston. It snows here, and we'll get a Christmas tree. It will be fine. Santa Claus will come and see you, and everything."
"Will Daddy come?" Meredith asked quietly, as if she was afraid to ask.
"No, sweetheart. Daddy…. Daddy didn't want to come to Boston with us. He loves you, but he can't be with you right now."
Meredith thought about this. "Like Jimmy Richard's daddy? He had cancer."
Ellis smoothed Meredith's damp hair off her forehead and smiled sadly. "No, sweetheart. Daddy's still alive, he lives in Seattle, but he's not part of our family anymore. It's just you and me."
"And Christine?"
"Christine helps us, but she's not really a part of our family. She has her own mommy and daddy, and her son, remember? He's at big boy school in New Jersey."
"Yeah. I know. She talks about him lots. You can keep reading now."
Ellis obeyed but when she glanced over at Meredith again it was clear that she wasn't listening. Ellis had known that these conversations were coming, had expected them earlier, but Meredith had become withdrawn after the move, not asking any questions at all. That was just recently beginning to change.
"Meredith? You can tell me what you're thinking."
Meredith bit her lip and ran her hand along the lines in the sheet nervously. "I was thinking: is it okay if I miss Daddy?'"
"Oh, sweetheart, of course it is. Missing him means that you love him."
"But he left us. Isn't that bad?"
Oh how to explain this? "Meredith, sweetie, sometimes people just can't get along. They can try, and it's always important to try, but sometimes they just can't. your daddy loves you, but he just couldn't stay with us. It's hard to understand, but grown-ups make big mistakes sometimes."
"Did you make a big mistake, Mommy? Or did Daddy?"
"I'd have to say that we both did, sweetheart."
Meredith turned to face her, a solemn look on her face. "You tried to fix it, right? You said 'sorry'?"
"Well, I don't know that I said 'sorry', but yes, I did try to fix it." I just couldn't get Richard to help me with that.
Meredith nodded, absorbing this, and then kissed Ellis on the cheek. "Okay, Mommy. I'm not mad at you."
Ellis smiled, wishing that her little girl was not having to try to comprehend all of this now, so young. She wondered if this easy forgiveness would always be the case and a part of her knew that it would not be. For now though, she just hugged Meredith to her and kissed the top of her head.
"Thank you, Meredith. That makes me very happy. Let's read the book some more, okay?"
"Okay."
They read most of the book that afternoon, but just before the end Meredith drifted off to sleep and Ellis went downstairs to heat up soup for their dinner. When Meredith came downstairs she proclaimed that she felt 'lots and lots' better. Her appetite had improved, and she begged to be allowed to watch Mary Poppins downstairs. Ellis consented and they shared a small bowl of popcorn.
"Mommy? Can I go up the chimney?"
"No, only Mary Poppins can, because she's magic."
"Can we get a magic nanny?"
"Don't you think that that would make Christine sad?"
"Oh. Yeah. I guess. I can say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"
"And yet you can't pronounce spaghetti."
"Oh, yeah, can we have pasketti tomorrow?"
"I think we may have out done it on the Italian. And I also think that it's bedtime."
Meredith groaned, but stood up, taking Ellis's hand. "Can I sleep with you, Mommy?"
"Meredith-."
"Please? I don't want to be alone if I start not feeling well again. 'Cause Dumbo can't yell for you."
Ellis sighed and relented. "Okay, just for tonight. You need a bath first though; the steam will make you feel better."
"Can I have bubbles?"
"Sure." That last incentive made Meredith hurry up the stairs and strip off her nightgown. Ellis turned on the bath water and poured in the bubbles, and then went to Meredith's room to get clean nightclothes. Meredith was in the tub when she returned, humming 'I Love to Laugh' and dunking her head under water.
"Is there swimming here, Mommy?" she asked, when she emerged, dripping and smiling.
"We'll have to find out. Maybe after Christmas we'll join at a Y. You can do the swim team over the summer."
"Yay!" Meredith exclaimed, and then fell into a cough. Ellis rubbed her back until it subsided. "I'm tired," Meredith said, after a few more minutes.
"Okay. Wash your hair and we'll go to bed."
"You too?"
"Me too."
Meredith nodded and squirted shampoo onto her small palm. Ellis watched her lather her hair and sighed to herself. Such simple pleasures. Now that Meredith was doing better it all seemed so calm compared to the hospital. She wondered how many mothers whose children were battling pneumonia would think that.
Throughout the night Meredith coughed in her sleep, culminating in a particularly bad spasm at two which left her sobbing and pulling a muscle that pained her every time she coughed or moved her right arm. Ellis tried to sooth her, but she did not fall back asleep for another hour when a new dose of cough syrup kicked in.
Ellis found that she was glad that Meredith had slept with her, since she could be there immediately when the cough came, when Meredith cried out in her sleep.
She was reminded of a bout of croup that had come when Meredith was just a year and a half. Ellis had been on call and had rushed down to the ER to see Thatcher watching helplessly as ER doctors injected Meredith and put a mask on to ease her labored breathing.
"She couldn't breathe," he kept saying, and Ellis only looked at him, before rushing to Meredith's side, pushing a nurse aside to get in the infant's line of vision. Her breathing was steadying and she smiled when she saw her mother. Ellis didn't think that her heart would ever stop racing.
Now Meredith's breathing steadied once again as she began to dream, and Ellis let herself settle under the covers. For the first time in the three months that they had lived in Boston she thought that maybe she could manage a career and a daughter.
By Sunday evening the house was rather a mess. Meredith's crayons were all over the table as she colored a picture before dinner. She coughed every once in a while, but without the harshness of Friday night. Ellis was making hamburgers, every once in a while looking over Meredith's shoulder at the picture she was coloring. It was of the two of them at the park. Ellis had finally relented to Meredith's begging, bundled her up and taken her to the park for half an hour that morning.
She had adored the swings and the slide, but when a coughing fit almost caused her to fall off of the monkey bars Ellis grabbed her and they went home. It was enough, however, to keep Meredith gushing for the rest of the day. "Mommy, did you see how high I went?"
"Yes, I did, sweetheart. Are you putting the birds we saw in your picture?"
"Uh-huh." Meredith acknowledged, picking up the brown crayon. "I wish this park had a tire swing like at home. I mean, like in Seattle."
"Maybe we can put one up on that big tree in the front yard," Ellis mused. "Next time I'm off, I'll see."
Meredith nodded, as she scrubbed the crayon across the paper to make a blue sky. "When will we have another weekend? I want to not be sick."
"Well, I'm off at Thanksgiving, but we're going to Aunt Mariann's. At Christmas, though, we'll have time together." She knew that it would seem like forever to Meredith, but the time would go by quickly. That was what time did. It passed. "Go put up your crayons so that we can eat, okay?"
Meredith obeyed and Ellis leaned against the counter. She was much better, but the school had a policy that any child who had had a fever had to wait twenty-four hours before returning to the classroom. She waited until Meredith's door closed to call the housekeeper.
"Christine? It's Ellis Grey. I just wanted to let you know that Meredith will be at home tomorrow. She's been sick this weekend, and she has to wait a day or so before going back to school."
"Oh, I am sorry to hear that Dr. Grey. I know how much she was lookin' forward to this weekend."
"Yes, well, I just thought I would warn you in case you wanted to flee the city."
They both laughed.
"No, we'll do just fine. I'll see you tomorrow."
A minute after she hung up, Meredith skipped down the stairs and Ellis smiled at her. She was doing so much better since they first moved here. There had been one day when Christine had called her from work saying that Meredith had thrown a book at her and locked herself in her room. It turned out that all that the woman had done was mention that her son had given her husband a bright pink tie for father's day. Neither Christine nor Dr. Grey had realized how sensitive this subject would be with the little girl.
Now Meredith giggled as she got ketchup on her nose. Ellis read her the last chapter of The Secret Garden and tucked her into bed. Dumbo the stuffed elephant slept under Meredith's arm. Ellis went downstairs and surprised herself by gravitating to the phone. She was dialing his number before she even realized it, when she had not called him in months.
"Hello?"
Ellis took a breath. "Thatch? It's Ellis."
"Ellis. What do you want?"
"Meredith…. She misses you, Thatch. Maybe if you called her, or--?" she wasn't sure what she was looking for. She did not want to deal with joint custody, not when they lived so far apart, and they were doing fine. Still, Meredith's face when she asked about her daddy was fresh in her mind.
"Ellis, I really don't think that's a good idea." He sounded defeated. "Did something happen?"
"Hmm? No. Well, she had pneumonia, but it's under control. It was scary for a bit there, but she's strong. She asked about you. She needs a father."
"What did you tell her, Ellis? That I'm the spawn of the devil himself? Call Richard, you would rather him be her father anyway."
This hurt. "Fine. Forget it then, but don't come looking to see her a year from now, because I think that would really confuse her, don't you? Good-bye Thatcher."
"Good-bye Ellis."
She hung up and sank onto the couch, wondering what had possessed her. Did she really expect anything to change? It was just the two of them now, for better or worse. Upstairs she glanced at the sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet, but decided not to take one, just in case Meredith woke up that night.
The next morning she was up and ready to go at five-thirty for her six o'clock shift. She tiptoed into Meredith's room to kiss her good-bye but the girl's eyes flickered open.
"Mommy?"
"Yes, sweetheart. I'm going to work."
"But I'm not going to school?"
"No, baby, you can't since you were sick."
"Can't you stay with me again?"
"I wish I could, but I've got to work today. I took Friday and Saturday off, remember?"
"Yeah. Okay, Mommy. When will you be home? Tonight?"
"In time for school tomorrow."
"Oh. But you're coming back?" It was a question that she had asked every day for the first two months, and had only recently begun to fall out of the routine.
"Yes, Meredith. I'll be back. Have a good day and be nice to Christine."
"Okay, Mommy." Meredith murmured, slipping back into sleep.
Ellis closed the door and went down the stairs where the elderly housekeeper had turned on the news and was straightening up the kitchen. Outside Ellis breathed in the November air and went to the car, to escape to the hospital, where she really knew what she was doing. Where she knew that surgery could fix things, or not, there was no in between.
Meredith's face popped up in her bedroom window, watching as Ellis pulled away. She was so small, and there was still so much time left. Their journey was just beginning.
A/N this one will be updated, but my next story Serenity will be up first since this is less time sensitive. I really want to explore how their relationship would change as Meredith got older. Review, and Story Alert!