SheZow Meets the Manstache!
Episode 1, Part 1
By Neoraichu
All Characters are the property of Frederator Studios, and I hope that the Manstache is something I dreamed up myself.
...
It was a quiet day with no villainous rampages. The boys were bored stupid.
"The rules are simple, Maz," announced Guy, "We both smell my six month old gym socks, and the first to she-chicken out loses." He held up the rancid ball of socks as evidence of his claim.
"This is a dude on dude thing, right?" asked Maz, "Like no SheZow stuff?"
Guy laughed, "I hardly need SheZow powers to handle man stink! So, are you in or not?"
"Like totally count me in!"
"On the count of three, start with the sniffing! One!.. Two!.."
"Shemergency! Shemergency!" warned the perky pink lips that appeared on the super jumbo extra large monitor.
"Darn, the man-off will have to wait," moaned Guy, "What's the deal now, Sheila?"
"A sailboat is cruising the Megadale River and randomly attacking boats," she advised, "They seem to be looking for rich boats, because they're robbing any valuables they can find. On a related note, a strange man has been chasing the sailboat in a rowboat."
Maz vanished 'off-screen'. That is to say, he ducked behind the computer.
"This looks like a job for..." Guy paused for dramatic effects, "SheZow!"
"Thank goodness I don't have eyes in the back of my terminal," mused Sheila.
"You go girl!" ← Insert Magical Transformation sequence here. Really.
Maz emerged with an oar in one hand and a small boat over his head. He was dressed a lot like the sailor off the box of Crackerjacks, shouting, "And SheZow's loyal sidekick, Dinghy-Boy!"
"That makes sense on so many levels," muttered Sheila.
"What was that?" asked Maz.
"I said 'Your costume choice is sensible'," replied Sheila.
"Thanks computer-babe."
"Quickly, to the Shehicle!"
...
To move more efficiently, SheZow switched to the submarine mode as soon as they hit the River.
"You'd think this baby would have some kind of James Bond speedboat mode, wouldn't you?" asked SheZow.
"We couldn't think of every little thing," replied Sheila over the radio.
"What about those sailing bandits?"
"They were sighted less than a mile ahead."
"Wait... wait..." said SheZow as she squinted, "I think I see the sailing ship now! They've boarded an expensive looking yacht!"
"I'll throw out the dinghy!" offered Dinghy-Boy quasi-helpfully.
"Dude," said SheZow as she glared back, "We can step from the SS SheShell right onto the deck! It's not like they can't see us as soon as we surface. It's broad daylight."
"Oh."
"Just bring the oar in case we need the smack down on these creeps!"
So SheZow pulled the SheSub to the other side of the yacht, and the two proceeded to board.
They confronted six large and burly barbers holding up the passengers with scissors? They were holding up a disgustingly rich old man and his old wife.
"Arrg, give as all yer valuablerrrs an we won't be hurrrrin ya," growled one.
Correction: Barbary (barber-ee) pirates.
"No one gets shaved while I'm around!" swore SheZow.
"Who might you be, missy?"
"I be!.. I mean, I am SheZow! The super guardian of Megadale! Since you don't know who I am, you must be new in town, so I'll go easy on you."
"ARR, we don't be caren about tha missy! We be fraid of no one, man nor child! The only thing you be leavin here with is a bad day haircut! Get her, boys!"
"No!" screamed SheZow, "Not the hair! I swear you won't touch the hair! Laser lipstick in punishing pink!" She activated her lipstick laser sword.
"ARR, she be armed like a man, so don't be going easy on the lass, boys!"
As they moved around to attack from all sides with their various scissors, suddenly a huge man with an more massive waxed handlebar mustache leaped over the side of the boat and landed next to SheZow.
"Don't worry missy," he said, "I swear upon Mr. Kevin's Triple-Strength Hair Cement that the Clipper Gang shall not cut one lock on your pretty head while the MANSTACHE is here!" He was over six feet tall, and dressed like a 1900's bare chested boxer. He even had the black leather boots and knee high socks of the day, and a pair of black silk boxers with a white elastic waistband. His fists were lightly wrapped in white flannel strips, as was common back in the day. His mustaches was waxed beyond belief, just like his short black hair. His blue eyes glinted in the sunlight. With his bare chest, his obvious muscled manly physique could be seen by one and all. About his waist was a prize fighter's belt with a large golden buckle. She couldn't be sure, but he might have been wearing a ring on his right hand as well.
"IT'S THE MANSTACHE!" they gasped as one.
"Clipper Gang?" asked SheZow, "Seriously?"
"ARR, didn't ye get the clues: We're on a Clipper Ship and we're holding Clippers?!"
"We call them sailboats and scissors around here."
"ARR, the precious lessons of the past be lost on the youth!"
"I take it these clowns know you?" asked SheZow.
"They are one of my mortal enemies, sworn to clip my hairy manliness from my face."
"And they're in Megadale WHY?!"
"I don't know, ask them."
"ARR, because we be tired of not cutting the bulletproof facial hair, so we sailed fer easier pickins, missy."
"I told you, I'm SheZow!"
"Stand back, Miss SheZow! I'll send these high seas hairmongers back to jail!"
"This is my town, and SheZow never shirks her duties!"
"Nor does Dinghy Boy!"
"What the hell is that?" asked Manstache.
"The sidekick of a thousand faces."
"All right, Miss SheZow. You can fight at my side, but please leave the sidekicks out of this."
"Dinghy Boy?" asked SheZow.
"Fine fine," moaned Maz, "Hog all the fun."
"This is serious, boy!" scowled the Manstache, "No game for children!"
The Clipper Gang leaped to attack. Four moved to attack the Manstache and two on SheZow. Their scissors (clippers) were thrust ahead of them as menacingly as possible at the various hair bits of the hero and heroine.
SheZow blocked both scissors with her laser lipstick.
Manstache blocked two scissors with each side of his mustache.
"Don't think we arrrren't ready forrrr you this time, Manstache!" swore the Clipper pirate, "We have extra sharp clipperrrrsss that'll shear a 1 inch steel cable!"
"So you've sharpened your scissors this time!" replied the Manstache, "I'm not intimidated in the least!"
"You and yourrrr little friend here arrrrrr done forrrr!"
"Have some Hairlip Haymaker, miscreant!" The right side of his mustache transformed into an arm with a big fist, and punched out one of the goons attacking him. The goon fell back swearing "ARRR!"
'Darn,' thought SheZow, 'People I've never met before and they already have weapons that exploit my greatest weakness: My hair!' She blocked to her left and blocked to her right. It was true: the Clipper Gang boys on her were trying to cut her hair just like they were trying to cut the facial hair of the Manstache.
"Still no match for my Super Stache Slapdown!" The left side of his stache transformed into a giant hand about ten times normal size (for a hand) and slapped down on another Gang member.
"Hey," said SheZow, "I can do that too! Heavy Handed Super She-Slap!" Her hand grew huge and slapped a goon into the wall of the boat.
"Good job," said the Manstache, "But you've left your hair unguarded!"
The scissor armed man stepped in, his shears aimed at SheZow's hair. Time seemed to slow down as the scissors came closer and closer. It was too late to block with the Heavy Hand or the Laser Lipstick. 'Oh man!' SheZow thought, 'My hair and my powers!'
"Jaw jab!" A hairy fist slammed into the goon before he could close the clippers on her hair. He got knocked clean away from SheZow. But the Manstache left himself open to protect SheZow's hair.
"ARR, we got'im now!"
"Not so fast!" SheZow called, "Eat my She-scream!" She shouted at the men attacking the Manstache, catching three of them at once. They were all bowled over before the could lay a clipper on the hairlip of the Manstache.
"ARR, we be losin, boys!"
...
The scene changes to the dock where the Megadale Police have gathered.
"Are you alright, Mr and Mrs Howell?" asked SheZow.
"As right as rain, Missy," said Mr Howell, "as long as I don't have to tip."
'Cheapskate,' thought SheZow.
Then Boxter came onto the ship.
'Oh great,' thought SheZow, 'here it comes.'
"All right, Mister," he growled, "Who are... are... are..."
'What the heck?' thought SheZow.
"Are YOU the Mighty Manstache?!"
"Yes, I am he," he replied, "and he is I."
"Oh, I've been dying to meet you!"
"Always glad to meet a fan."
"Wait a minute," said SheZow, "You call me a vigilante and a menace, but you gush all over HIM?!"
"For one thing," said the Cop, "He's the manliest man who ever lived. And another thing, he isn't working in Megadale. You're just visiting, right?"
"Yes, as soon as the Clipper Gang is back on their way to jail, I'll be out of your way."
"I don't want to be rude," he replied, "I'm sure my son is just as crazy to meet you as me. I know it's a lot to ask, but can you come over to my house for dinner... just this once?"
Manstache laughed, "Of course, it wouldn't be a bother at all. I'd love to meet your son. I'm sure your wife is also worthy of your obvious manliness."
"Oh she is," he swooned, "She is!.. Can you come by at 7 pm sharp?"
"Just give me the address and I promise I'll be there."
"You have no idea who much this means to me."
"Don't sweat it, my good man. Just promise you won't go overboard on dinner or anything. I'm not like some king of old who's going to bankrupt you with some expectation of glitz and splendor."
"Seriously?" asked SheZow.
"Oh yes," replied Manstache, "It's embarrassing to think about how many working families have put themselves in a hole just because they think I'm a celebrity or something."
"Or something..." muttered SheZow.
(Insert filler sequences here! She-yeah!)
SheZow Meets the Manstache!
Episode 1, Part 2
By Neoraichu
Guy was appalled how his father was gushing over the Manstache. He pounded Manstache storied into his head, Kelly's head, and their Mother's head until at least he was ready to scream. He worried how his poor mother and sister would react to seeing that shirtless hunk of muscular manhood parading around his house like a star even though he claimed he never really wanted such a thing.
But even Guy was surprised when the Manstache appeared at the front door at seven o'clock sharp wearing a black bowler hat, a clean silk white shirt with short sleeves and ivory buttons, and a black bowtie. He even had white cuffs with ivory buttons on his wrists.
"Good evening," he said, "Thank you for the invitation."
"It's my honor," said Mr Boxter, "Please come in. Dinner is all set. I hope my wife's special steak and potatoes will be alright?"
"Ah, nothing like man-food! For manly men! By... uh... womanly women!"
"Truer words were never spoken."
'Why do I feel like throwing up?' thought Guy.
"Hey, I didn't know you were having company on the day you were expecting me for dinner," said someone behind the Manstache.
"Maz!" scolded Guy.
"We were expecting Maz for dinner?" asked Kelly from behind Guy.
"I... uh... guess that little thing... slipped my mind..."
"I can go if you can't feed all of your guests," offered the Manstache.
"No no!" called Mr Boxter, "There's plenty for everyone! I promise! Come on in!"
So the Manstache and Maz came inside.
"Droosha!" called Mr Boxter, "Set the table for one more, honey!"
"Please excuse me," offered Manstache, "I should wash my hands before dinner."
"How proper," said Kelly, "Someone could learn some manners from you."
"Yeah Dad," said Guy.
Kelly just slapped her forehead... hard.
After everyone washed their hands (whether they felt it was needed or not), everyone came together at the dinner table. There was a great spread of Tenderloin steak, Rib-eye steak, baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, wheat dinner rolls, boiled carrots, buttered Brussels sprouts, brown gravy, butter, and a few other things.
"Oh this food is most glorious," said the Manstache, "I hope I don't make a pig of myself."
"Eat as much as you want," said Mr Boxter.
"You are too kind."
"Please," begged Dad, "Tell us all about your fantastic adventures, Manstache!"
"Well, if I won't bore you..."
"Impossible!"
'Quite possible,' thought Guy.
...
2 and a half hours later, Manstache and Maz were waiting at the door to leave. Mr Baxter wouldn't let him leave without properly packed leftovers... for the Manstache. Maz was on his own.
"You're so lucky to have such a great wife," mused the Manstache, "Like a chef to the gods."
"I know," agreed Mr Boxter.
'Talk about laying on thick,' thought Guy. Kelly glanced at him as if reading his mind.
"What?" he asked.
"Nothing," she answered.
"The children are still young and need their sleep," advised Manstache, "I hope I haven't kept them up past curfew."
"They're going to bed as soon as you leave," said Mr Boxter.
"Remember to brush and floss, children."
"Oh, they will. They always do."
"It's vital to avoiding bad teeth later in life, you know."
"We know."
'He's like my other father,' thought Guy hotly, 'maybe even worse.'
"Do you need a lift home, Maz?" asked Manstache.
"Do you have a car?" asked Maz in awe.
"No, I'd literally carry you home. It's one of my Manstache powers."
"Oh, that would be awesome!"
"Funny," he mused, "In this light, you look almost exactly like Dinghy-Boy, the sidekick of Miss SheZow."
"I get that a lot. We're not even related."
'Mental barf,' thought Guy.
"SheZow," muttered Dad under his breath, "Vigilante menace..."
"I'm sorry, were you speaking to me?" asked the Manstache.
"No, it was nothing. Really. It must have been... one of my musical belches."
"Oh, I see. Such a talent, I must say."
'SUPER mental barf,' thought Guy.
"Well, take care of yourself, kind officer," said the Manstache, "and know that if any more villains of my fair city come to trouble you, there shall be... THE MANSTACHE!"
"SheZow has this city covered," offered Guy.
"I'm sure she can handle her own rogue's gallery, but my villains are... a cut above."
"A sail..." began Guy, but Kelly clamped her hand over her brother's mouth tightly.
"Be respectful!" she chided.
"Yeah son," added Dad, "Be respectful."
"I'm sure he'll grow up to be a fine young man and upstanding citizen," observed the Manstache, "Good night one and all."
...
Scene shift to Guy's room: The clock reads 12:01.
"Shemergency. Shemergency."
Guy moaned in his sleep.
"Shemergency. Shemergency."
It was coming from his ring. He turned over face up.
"Shemergency. Shemergency."
"I got it already," he moaned, "What time is it? What kind of villain keeps such lousy hours?"
"It's Mega-Monkey. He's on a late night rampage."
"Oh, just swell."