Marriage is tough.
That was the only justification Beca needed.
In that moment she was weak, but that's not her excuse; quite frankly she knows she doesn't have one. Presenting Chloe with an explanation would be difficult enough, never mind giving an excuse worthy of her wife.
Her wife? Was she still able to call her that after what she's done?
Beca doesn't know anymore.
XXX
Chloe woke up to the sight of Beca's back; a sight she was use to seeing most mornings. She let a sigh escape her lips, as she shifted on to her back, staring at the ceiling fan currently spinning above the bed. Chloe couldn't help but think her life was just like the blades of the fan; spinning and spinning, farther and farther from her grasp...
Without any further warning the fan made a long humming sound and stopped turning, bringing her thoughts to an end.
She exhaled deeply, reaching over to the sleeping body wrapped in the duvet beside her.
"Beca?" she swatted her shoulder.
Nothing.
"Beca!" she spoke louder this time, slapping her upper arm harder.
The brunette let out an almost inaudible grunt and stirred. Beca turned onto her side, heavy eyes barley open.
Chloe looked down at her hand now resting on the woman's wrist. A year ago sleepy Beca was the most adorable thing Chloe had ever seen. She quickly retracted her hand. Oh, how things can change.
Beca opened her mouth to speak, a sleepy smile playing on her lips, before she was cut off.
"I told you to fix the fucking ceiling fan!" Chloe scolded, throwing the duvet back. Her voice wasn't raised, but her tone was harsh and strained. It seemed that was a familiar sound as of late; Chloe always seemed to speak in a tone one would use just before they erupted and let their anger bubble over. The DJ's eyes snapped open, as she watched an angry Chloe storm out of their bedroom. She bit down on her bottom lip and nodded her head, the smile from before turning bitter at the sound of the door slamming. She couldn't help but feel as if she was always on her wife's last nerve, stepping on a constant and non-ending path of eggshells.
"Great. Looks like today we're arguing before I'm even awake..." she whispered to herself, pulling the covers over her head.
In all honesty, the ceiling fan was probably unfixable - Beca was stubborn and buying a new one would be admitting defeat; she'd fix the fan if it was the last thing she did - It had been the root of their arguments for the past week, but if it hadn't been the "unbearable humming" to set Chloe off, it would have been something else. Beca swears they only ever argue now and if they're not doing that; it's just silence between them. She's not sure which one is worse.
Just before she could start the morning with more over-analysing and worry about their relationship, the sound of loud footsteps echoed down the hallway. Its owner stopped, just before the door was thrown open and there was a very hard thump on the mattress, followed by a "RAWR".
Beca couldn't stop the smile that took over her face and the laugh that followed once her daughter's head was peaking over the duvet beaming back at her. The child pulled at the sheets, as she hoisted herself up to the top of the bed and lunging into Chloe's empty spot beside her. She leaned closer to her Mother's pillow and placed a hand under her cheek, Chloe's smile painted on her face. Beca gently bopped her nose, causing the child to erupt into a fit of giggles; the tense emotions from five minutes ago completely forgotten.
"Mommy's making pancakes"
"Oh yeah?" Beca replied, cocking her head to the side. The toddler simply nodded enthusiastically in response.
"Well then, I guess you should go and help?"
After a hum of agreement, the child was climbing from the bed and almost out of the door, before Beca called her back.
"Um, Lucy, doesn't your Mom get a good morning kiss?" she asked, pointing at her cheek. Lucy grinned and darted back to the bed, diving on top of the brunette and placing a sloppy kiss just below her eye.
"You need to help too!"
Beca scooped her under her arm in one swift motion before standing and charging to the door. Lucy's squeals quickly developed into hearty laughter as Beca began taking over exaggerated breaths on the hallway, "You're too heavy! I can't... You're...too...heavy" and plopping Lucy down near the staircase. The child's face was now flushed from all the laughing, as she continued to giggle at her Mother who was now bent over, resting her hands on her knees.
Chloe's voice from downstairs silenced them both, as she called Lucy's name. Her eyes widened with excitement, as she shot a "can I go eat pancakes now?" look to the older woman. A nod was all she needed and she was already running down the stairwell.
"Hold the rail!" Beca reminded letting out a chuckle before heading to the bathroom.
Once Beca had made it to the kitchen, she stopped just shy of the thresh-hold as she leaned on the doorframe watching the sight unfolding before her. Lucy was swinging her legs from the counter, a mouthful of pancakes, as Chloe talked animatedly whilst playfully prodding their daughter's stomach; both of them literally mirroring each other's smile, before Lucy accidentally knocked her cup of juice off balance. Chloe quickly swooped to the rescue, catching the cup mid-fall and kissing an off-guard Lucy's cheek.
The redhead turned to open the cupboard behind her. She stretched to reach its contents, causing her tank top to ride up slightly, revealing a strip of skin. Beca couldn't remember the last time they'd been intimate, never mind slept together. She ran her eyes over the taller woman's form, and just as quickly as it had occurred, Chloe's heels returned to the floor, her nightshirt back in its place and her attention back on Lucy, passing her the chocolate chip drops she'd asked for.
Beca observed her wife and daughter for a minute longer, willing everything to memory. An overwhelming feeling of happiness and contentment washed over her at their interaction. Having a family with Chloe was something Beca never thought she wanted, but now she's not sure who she would be today without the little family in front of her. Beca was feeling so many emotions right now; she welled with pride and love, but there was still that nagging feeling in her gut that she couldn't shake.
The room fell silent, as Lucy continued to eat her breakfast, whilst Chloe made her way to the sink, turning, so Beca could no longer see her face.
She loves Chloe, more than she could ever express, but she's changed, hell, they've both changed and their relationship isn't what it was six months ago. With that thought, the pride and love had been tainted and replaced with longing and fear, but she pushed it away, making her way into the kitchen.
Beca rustled her daughter's hair on the way passed and loosely rested her hands on Chloe's waist. The cloth in her hand stilled on the plate in the sink. She tried not to hesitant the motion, but lately the redhead was a whirlwind of emotions; Chloe visibly tensed at the touch, but continued to wash the pot. The brunette chanced a soft kiss to her neck, and just for a moment she felt Chloe relax; it could have been her imagination; she was sure she leaned into Beca's touch; just like she use to; but then she was stiff, shrugging out of Beca's embrace.
"The pancake mix is in the cupboard" she spoke coldly without bothering to turn around.
Beca took a step back, the hurt evident on her face. She retracted her hands and felt the fear and longing creeping back into her mind.
But it's just a rough patch; they've been through a lot recently. Marriage can be tough...
XXX
Chloe watched as Beca and Lucy walked out of the front door and into the black car parked on the driveway. She was use to spending the hours of 8:30am and 4:40pm alone, Beca would drive Lucy to school, before heading to work at the recording studio. Lucy's school was just around the corner from her best friend, Aubrey's, practise, so she would pick Lucy up. Seen as Chloe had quit her job at the school four months ago, they sold their second car for a little extra cash.
Much to Beca's annoyance, Chloe rarely left the house anymore, spending the majority of her time watching re-runs of old TV shows and sleeping the afternoon away. As soon as four thirty came around, she' made herself presentable and awaited Lucy's return, Beca following shortly after at six.
Chloe was pretty much vacant when she was alone, uninterested in everything, just lost in her thoughts; a constant empty daze. She put on a smile for Lucy, but for anyone else; she just shut them out.
Including Beca.
In fact, Beca in particular...
XXX
"The room is bare and impersonal, just like my wife..."
She pulled the phone from her ear and rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, I know, it wasn't funny. I don't know why I said it."
Aubrey had left her several missed calls since Beca left the airport.
"Look, the hotel is fine. I'm fine. I know you're just trying to be a good friend right now, but honestly I'm good."
She switched the device to speakerphone as Beca placed it on the bed and started unzipping her duffel bag. Aubrey's voice echoed through the phone, bouncing off the hollow hotel walls.
"Beca, you're back in Atlanta. I understand if you feel a little nostalgic and I know that can bring up happier memories of you and Chloe. You're both going through a tough time at the moment, it's alright if you feel sad or upset-"
"Aubrey! Let's not do this, OK? I know you're trying to help, but unless you can get Chloe to act like my wife again for when I return, you're not helping at all!"
Silence.
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to check in with you, seen as Chloe won't be cal..." Aubrey stopped midsentence. Finishing it would defiantly not be helping anyone right now.
Beca let out a sigh, attempting to compose herself. She couldn't take her frustrations out on Aubrey; it wasn't fair.
"Yeah, I'm sorry too. How are they?" she asked quietly, ignoring the lump forming in her throat.
"Chloe dropped Lucy off at school this morning. That's progress, right?"
Beca reached for the phone and placed it to her ear, "She did?"
Chloe's reluctance to leave the house unless it was absolutely necessary caused a lot of arguments between them, and hearing that she'd actually driven Lucy to school filled Beca up with hope.
"Yep" Aubrey replied, her tone upbeat.
"I told you, Beca, she just needs time."
The blonde woman's voice was laced with the hope Beca was feeling inside. She knew Chloe needed time to heal, but she just missed her so much. Memories of Barden and the Bella's, their first kiss, their wedding day, Lucy being born, it all flashed through her mind. She just wanted her wife back; the bubbly, upbeat, confident, talkative Chloe, back.
Beca quickly wiped the tear rolling down her cheek away.
"Hey, I gotta go, alright? Thanks for calling, Bree. Speak soon."
"Beca, are you O-"
She hung up the phone before Aubrey could finish.
No, she wasn't OK, but she had to be, for Chloe and Lucy.
XXX
Beca made her way down to the hotel lobby, stepping out of the elevator and seeking out the bar, fully intending to take advantage of the complimentary free drinks provided by the record company.
Upon hearing she had to venture out to Georgia; and basically act like a courier to sign the contract of new band; she wasn't too thrilled about it. Beca hated business trips to begin with, but considering everything going on right now, she almost refused to go. Aubrey had advised space between her and Chloe might do them both some good, so she took the blonde's advice.
Once she had ended her phone call with Aubrey, Beca lost it. She hugged her knees to her chest and cried on the bed for a good half hour. Maybe coming back to Atlanta was a mistake. Ever since she'd gotten off the plane, she couldn't get Chloe's smile out of her head. The brunette wanted so badly to see it again that it physically hurt to think about it.
Eventually, she wiped away the tears and washed her face. She was here for two days, she can get through that. She'd gotten through worse (well, barely).
Beca knew she shouldn't get drunk tonight; tomorrow's workload would go a lot smoother if she wasn't hung over. But after an unsatisfying call home to Chloe, she wanted to drink to numb the pain.
"Jack and coke, please."
Beca slumped down on a barstool and waited for the barman to pour the drink. She gave her room number and stared into the bottom of her glass. After a moment, she brought the glass to her lips and downed it.
"Another."
Beca had lost track of how long she'd been sat at the bar; she squinted at her iPhone, failing to make out the time. By that point she knew she'd had enough, but then she remembered what drove her to alcohol and decided she needed some more. Placing the phone back in her pocket, she finished the last drop of her drink.
"Same again please."
Beca felt a hand on her shoulder; the touch was warm and strangely comforting.
"Is this seat taken?"
XXX
"I don't know if we're happy anymore."
Those seven words had been swirling around her brain for a while now and no matter how hard she tried to silence them, they would always circle back, like a chant, much louder than the previous time before. Chloe had never spoke those seven words out loud before, but as the sentence spilled from her lips it stirred up all the emotions she'd been numb to for the last few months.
She broke down.
Tears wet her cheeks and her sobs wracked her body. She knows she should stop crying, Lucy is in the next room; she shouldn't see her Mother like this.
But she can't.
For the past two months, Chloe has just been going through the motions. Her life had changed drastically, but she hadn't felt anything.
The overwhelming fear of loss had been ignored, a grieving process never started, the pain pushed away and locked in a box, never to be opened. She had been numb for so long.
She felt Aubrey's hand on her shoulder, as the blonde sat down next to her. It was then Chloe realised she'd slipped down the kitchen counter and onto the cold tiled floor.
Aubrey pulled her best friend in for a hug, feeling Chloe's weight collapse into her side.
"You've been living on auto-pilot for a long time, Chlo. You need to feel in order to move on."
Aubrey was trying her best to comfort her best friend right now, but she honestly didn't know how. Chloe had been a shell of herself for so long, detaching from everyone who loved her and just shutting down. It was difficult to watch, but as a qualified psychologist, Aubrey knew Chloe's reaction wasn't uncommon after someone goes through such a traumatic experience.
She had watched Beca struggle unsure of how to deal with her heartbroken wife. That was probably the most upsetting part of it all - to watch Beca; not having Chloe to reassure her; deal with the aftermath of it all.
Lucy was the only thing that had been keeping them together recently, but both women were hurting and just too upset to connect with each other.
That alone was heartbreaking to witness, Aubrey can't imagine how it must have felt to lose a child and then lose your spouse.
"Do you want me to call Beca?" Aubrey asked quietly.
"Why you crying?"
A foreign voice called from the doorway.
"Mommy, what's wrong?"
Lucy's eyes darted back and forth from Aubrey to Chloe, as she looked on worriedly. The toddler shyly moved forward, until Chloe sat up straight and motioned for her daughter to come closer. Lucy quickly walked over and enveloped her Mother in a hug.
"Please don't cry" she whispered into the crook of Chloe's neck. The redhead couldn't hold back the tears after that.
XXX
A/N: I had this idea in my head and I had to write it down. Sentences turned to paragraphs, which then developed into pages. I think I got a little carried away.
Sorry, not sorry...