Characters aren't mine...i've asked but they just won't give them to me haha
Another little Angsty piece of the Casey variety but i threw a little comfort in there as well!
The Dark Of The Night
A lone figure walked through the cold of the night, shadows being cast upon the floor below the lights he walked under. His mind oddly blank but full at the same time.
Full of questions and images and memories and horror, but devoid of any other emotion other than the agony that gripped every fibre of his being.
This lone figure had frequented the streets more in the last few nights especially, as if still in a stage on denial, maybe the more he walked the more he would find.
But he was finding the more he tried to look the less he found.
And it was the worst feeling in the world, finding less of someone the longer it had been and the more the time passed. The more you tended to forget, like a dream you so desperately tried to remember all the parts of but couldn't.
The moon had become full and faded as the lone figure wandered most of the night.
He didn't know how he got here, never did.
But he'd find himself at some point in the early morning sat somewhere.
Somewhere that wasn't his home.
But then he couldn't really call it home anymore.
Not with what had happened.
He hadn't shared that house with her but...
It was all the potential memories he saw that were tormenting him there, of all the things that he wanted for them both.
But that was impossible now.
And the once happily dreamt dreams only served to cause pain now.
A pain that jolted him out of his bed at night.
One that had him wandering in the darkness of the night in the hope that the darkness would engulf his pain as it engulfed open fields at night, or even dimmed it a little, just so he could function better.
But for it to be gone then he'd have to forget and he couldn't do that to her, it would be a disservice to everything she was and everything they had ever had.
His team knew nothing of these trips late into the night, just wandering absently around, not really seeing things for what they were, rather, what they had been.
He would sometimes find himself in their favourite spots when he took notice of where he was, as if subconsciously wanting to find at least little parts of her because that is all he had now.
Little parts...memories...
It was still hard to wake up in the morning when he did eventually drag himself home through sheer exhaustion and he would collapse on to his couch because he was too tired to make it all the way up the stairs.
And he was sure that his team knew nothing of that either...they all asked questions and he knew they were watching over him silently while at work because anyone could see that he was tried but they knew nothing else.
Mainly because he hadn't told them, hadn't wanted to. They had their own lives to deal with and he didn't need to add to it.
He'd become almost pro a compartmentalising things, and pretending to be okay, but this...
This was so much harder to push away.
The fact that he still partially blamed himself probably didn't help but even knowing that he'd done all he could he still felt the hopelessness deep within his bones that he was just stuck in this moment.
In the moments in the ambulance...could still feel the rhythm of the chest compression beneath his fingers and feel her heart not beating.
Yes he knew that it had been futile before he had started because she had already been killed before he got there, before the fire.
The small irrational part of his mind still whispered that maybe, he could have pushed harder and that would have been enough.
He knew it was the hope of a child and the denial of an adult that kept him wandering; but he couldn't find it in him to stop just yet.
But he also knew that something needed to change...
Well, what he really needed was for it to stop hurting so damn much but he was stuck in that respect.
He couldn't go on like this but couldn't stop either.
But then because he hadn't told anybody about his nightly trips out when he wasn't on shift then he didn't want to disturb them with his lack of ability to move on from what had happened at the clinic.
He thought he'd probably look like mad man as well to anyone who didn't know him...i mean how many people would come up to someone with eyes red from crying and wearing nothing but a thin T-shirt and some old jeans.
He was oddly not concerned that his legs felt as if they were going to give way any minute from the exhaustion as he hadn't stopped to rest tonight, he'd just carried on walking through the night, hoping to find some kind of peace for his mind to be able to settle.
He was taking enough notice of who came close to his cloudy personal space but not enough to the pavement under his feet until he found himself tripping over some uneven ground with nobody to stop him, nor the energy to really break his own fall.
So when someone stopped his fall mid-way, he was surprised that he hadn't noticed that he'd been watched this night...maybe he'd been watched more nights as well. Though he also realised that he knew them as well.
That made him panic slightly, it meant that someone had seen him in this weak and sorry state and he couldn't handle that right now so once he was up-right again he shrugged the hands off and tried to get away from them.
"Hey, Matt, wait." Severide asked in a softer than normal tone and calm expression on his face, trying not to show pity because he knew how much both he and Casey hated that.
It hadn't been the voice he'd been expecting, while their friendship had grown stronger again since the whole Andy thing and especially since Hallie he was still unsure whether it would be the same as it had been and was still wary of when the next time Kelly would find something to have a go at him for.
The hand on his arm stopped him from being able to move and he didn't like it, he didn't want anyone to see him like this, not even his friends or work colleagues or even family because that is what they really were if he really thought about it.
"I can't..." Matt's voice was rough and the absolute agony he saw in his friend's face just made him want to take it away, completely re-write the last few weeks so this didn't have to happen now.
"I know." Was Severide's only response, no platitudes, no meaningless words to try and help. Just a statement that came across and understanding and supportive at the same time.
And Casey knew that out of the people that it could have been to stop his fall, maybe it was better that it had been Severide to be there.
Because they had both been there before.
And maybe it was okay to need a little help from time to time.
So he didn't protest too much when Severide gave him an almost awkward brotherly hug and lead him home, where it was warm.
The End
Yeah so i couldn't have left Casey like this, wandering the city lost and aimlessly had to get one of them to find him and i couldn't see it being anyone else, i am a very big fan of the brother relationship Matt and Kelly should have but the writers only want to show us in little peices.