A/N This is my first attempt at fanfic. I'm looking for feedback and suggestions if you're willing to give them. :)
***DISCLAIMER*** I do NOT own Vampire Diaries or the characters associated with Vampire Diaries. No copyright infringement intended.
Lucid
Chapter 1 - Nightmares
Elena Gilbert wakes up with her hands clamped tightly over her mouth to hold in her scream. She's drenched in a thick layer of cold sweat and her heart is racing. She releases a quiet gasp and sits up in the darkness. This one had been the worst yet.
Every night for weeks now she's been having the same, yet somewhat different dream. She's frantically searching, running, dodging obstacles, taking wrong turns, knowing that if she doesn't move more quickly it will be too late. Sometimes she tries over and over to call but continually presses the wrong buttons on her phone and can never connect. Sometimes she is slowed by others who attempt to delay her by any means possible. Her anger rises and her panic increases because since that first dream she now knows exactly how this will end if she doesn't get to him in time. And she never does. She is always just exactly too late.
She has now watched him die in countless ways. He has been burned alive, staked in the heart, decapitated, had his heart ripped out of his chest, left to burn in the sun. She has been witness to it all. Always she is crying and calling out his name. He hears her and he turns to her, but every time it's too late. As she bears desperate witness to his final seconds and sees the life leave him yet again, she wakes up.
Elena wipes the tears off her face and slips out of her bed. In her frantic nocturnal struggles she has pushed all her covers onto the floor. She steps into the bathroom she shares with her brother and flips on the light. The girl that looks back at her from the mirror barely looks like the Elena she remembers. Her eyes are sunken and dark bruise-like skin surrounds each one. Her once flawlessly tanned olive skin is now quite pale. She is too thin and her hair is limp & lifeless. She looks exhausted. She looks ill. She looks desperate.
She splashes some water on her face, has a drink and returns to her bed. She knows that sleep will not come back to her this night. How much longer can this go on?
She is starting to behave like a zombie and she knows her friends and family have noticed. For the first week or two of the dreams, she felt that she was faking it fairly well in public, acting like she was OK. Now she no longer has the energy to try to pretend, so she just avoids being social as much as possible. She still attends school most days, when she can bring herself to leave the house. Other than that, she has stopped going out, stopped inviting anyone over, stopped answering her phone. Jeremy and Alaric know about the dreams – how could they not when she has awakened them with her screams for so many nights now? They seem to respect that she doesn't want to discuss it, but she knows they are both worried about her. She has not told Bonnie or Caroline, but she is well aware they also know something is yet again wrong. Elena wishes there was a way for her to compel them to back off and give her space. But she is only a human girl and she doesn't have that ability.
Over the past year and a half her life has been completely turned upside down more times than she can count, and she is now surrounded by the supernatural on a daily basis. This no longer even fazes her. She is a doppelganger. Her best friend since childhood is a witch. One of her other friends is a werewolf. Her birth mother had been a vampire. Her ex-boyfriend and two of her closest friends in the world are also vampires.
And that brings her to her biggest concern, the one she tries hardest to bury during her long waking hours. Damon. He is her former tormenter, her current protector and, if she is being honest with herself, her most trusted friend. He is also her ex-boyfriend's older brother. There is more to their complicated relationship, much, much more, but she still can't let herself go there. Too much guilt and too much risk lie in giving in to those thoughts. Only in her dreams can she be truly honest about how she feels. All of her dreams are about him.
Elena is running as fast as her legs can carry her through the dense forest behind the boarding house. It's so very dark and confusing, but she can see a light ahead and she dashes toward it. As she bursts into the clearing, she is immensely relieved to see Damon lying, tightly bound but alive, on the ground. His eyes meet hers and obvious gratitude washes over them. She rushes to his side and gives him a smile.
She leans in close to his ear.
"Close your eyes," she whispers, and, as he does, she kisses him gently on the lips.
She caresses the side of his face with her left palm.
Then she raises the stake she has been clutching tightly to her side and slams it into him, just below the ribcage and up, exactly as he has taught her. It goes directly into his heart. His eyes fly open and make contact with hers a split second before the life fades out of them. She will never forget the expression of shock, hurt and betrayal on his face. His skin goes ashy, the veins rise and he is gone.
She screams and screams.
The sound of her voice awakens Elena, gasping for air, in her own bed. Her nightly screams are so commonplace now that no one even comes running to see if she's OK any longer. She is drenched, absolutely drenched, in sweat. Her pajamas are soaked, the sheets are soaked and she guesses the mattress below is probably wet as well. She raises a shaking hand to her face and wipes away the tears, but this time they continue to flow. She realizes she is quietly sobbing.
She grabs her phone off the bedside table and before she can let logic stop her, she texts him.
Are you awake? Are you OK?
The dreams have always felt real, but that one – that one felt way too real. She can still feel his cheek under her palm, his lips against hers, the wood clutched so tightly in her other hand. She can still hear his gasp when she staked him. She doesn't know much about such things but that dream felt entirely too life-like. It felt like a prophecy.
Her phone buzzes and she reads his reply.
Yes. I'm fine. What's going on?
She hesitates. The last thing she wants to do is explain, but she needs to see him desperately right now. To confirm with her own eyes that he's really OK. She knows he won't refuse if she asks him to come. She's not certain, however, that he won't press her to answer questions she doesn't want to.
She sighs and gives in. She knows she will probably regret this later.
Can you come? Please?
As an afterthought she adds,
No danger this time, I promise.
He responds almost immediately.
Be right there.
She sighs and gets out of bed. She has just exactly enough time to splash cold water on her face, put on dry pajamas and change the bed sheets when she here a light knock on her window.
Elena opens it up for him and he silently slips into her room. She is amazed at how instantly she feels better. She wraps her arms tightly around herself to keep from throwing them around him and burying her face in his neck in relief.
Damon gives her a quizzical look.
"You call, I come. To what do I owe the pleasure of your company at 3:07 am? Have a naughty dream about me and need to make it come true?"
She flinches noticeably at the word "dream" but his typical glibness, his very Damon-ness, calms her. She tries to formulate a reply that won't sound inane.
"Would it be OK, just this once, if we didn't talk about anything?" she asks softly. "Please, Damon, I just don't want to sleep alone."
He knows damn well something is very wrong. Hell, he's known it for weeks. But any time he's brought it up, she's deflected him. As a matter of fact for the most part she's been avoiding him lately. He doesn't like to admit to himself how much this hurts. So he's aware accepting to her request to "not talk about anything" will not be easy. But they both know that he will do pretty much anything she asks of him. So he simply nods and gestures towards her bed.
She flashes him a small, grateful smile and slides between the fresh sheets. He removes his shoes & jacket and slips in behind her. She turns over and away from him.
"Goodnight, Damon. Thank you," she whispers.
He hesitates only a second, then wraps his arm around her slender waist and pulls her back tight against his chest. Elena is overcome with how safe she feels in his arms. Within minutes she is asleep.
She does not dream.
Elena wakes up alone the next morning. She is simultaneously relieved and disappointed. She also feels the most herself than she has felt in a long time.
After showering and applying some light makeup, she actually takes the time to choose an outfit for school today instead of just grabbing what's closest. Not so long ago this was her regular morning routine.
In the kitchen she greets Jeremy and Alaric.
"Good morning," she smiles as she pours herself a coffee.
They look at her and then at one another before returning her greeting. Both of them are aware that she woke screaming again last night, so her chipper demeanor is a surprise.
When she steps outside to walk to her car, Elena pauses to take in the sounds of birds chirping, the colours of the trees and the crisp smell of the fresh autumn air. The fog around the edges of her concentration has lifted and she actually feels "in the moment" for the first time in ages.
Damon sits before the fireplace in the study of the boarding house, the customary tumbler of bourbon in his hand. He's not sure he knows who the fuck he even is anymore. All the knowledge and mental fortitude he has acquired after 170 years of life are completely useless to him right now. How is it possible that one eighteen year-old girl has messed him up this bad? How has he allowed this to happen? She has all the power, she calls all the shots and part of him despises himself for letting her become his greatest weakness. She knows full well how he feels about her and he knows full well that he is forever stuck with this… this… constant ache. Skipping town isn't an option, even if he wanted to. He has promised he'd never leave her again. It's as simple as that. He's committed himself to always watch over her and keep her safe. No matter how tempting, he will not go back on his word.
Despite how they may feel about each other right now – and, frankly, Damon isn't certain exactly what she does feel at this point - he knows that they can never be really be together the way he craves. She has no wish to ever turn and he's afraid he'll go insane when she inevitably leaves him.
Some day he will eventually have to watch her fall in love with another, get married, start a family, grow old, die. Quite possibly he may also have to keep an eye on her children and grandchildren after that. If she asks him to. Because they both know he cannot refuse her.
Metaphorically speaking, he's screwed. This is why he drinks so much. It's the only way to ease the pain. So he tries to convince himself anyway.
He wonders in passing whether he'll get a late night text again tonight.
Elena crawls into her bed with trepidation. It has been a good day, relatively speaking, but now she must face sleep. She briefly considers the pros and cons of just texting Damon to come and spend the night with her again, but she quickly discards that thought just as she discards most thoughts about him these days. She has convinced herself that the less she allows him to slip into her mind, the safer it will be for her emotional stability. Or maybe it's just a habit she has been in for so long that it comes second nature to suppress those thoughts.
She is not one to pray, but as she snuggles down into her pillow she thinks, Oh God, please don't let the nightmare come back again tonight.
She is walking up the middle of a rural dirt road. It is barely a car's width wide and there is long grass growing along each side. The day is bright, so bright - it's like looking through an over exposed photo taken back in the 1960's or 70's. Elena squints and brings her hand up to shield her eyes from the intense sun. It's hot and humid and she is sweating like crazy. She's searching for Damon, walking fast, glancing around everywhere for any sign of him.
Suddenly she hears an "Over here!" and heads in that direction. It sounds like Stefan's voice. She begins to run, leaving the track and heading down a stony hill. She suddenly realizes that she is near the old Quarry. She is approaching the place where she died, where Jenna died, where everything went to Hell.
She stops and listens intently and she hears the sound of a gasp. Instantly she knows it's Damon. She looks around, starting to become a bit frantic. Where is he? She can feel her heartbeat speeding up and her anxiety increasing.
Finally she spots him. He's lying on his stomach on the ground and he doesn't look well. Stefan is squatting beside him. Damon's eyes meet hers and she can clearly see the relief on his face that she is there. He attempts to give her a half smile, but it falters.
Elena kneels beside him and grasps his hand. With her other hand she strokes the hair back from his forehead. His skin and hair are damp with sweat, like her own.
"It's almost over," she soothes him with a small smile. She raises his hand and kisses the back of it.
Then she slips his lapis lazuli ring off his finger and steps back from him. Smoke rises from his flesh almost instantly and, as she and Stefan watch impassively, Damon's entire body bursts into flames and is engulfed. . It doesn't take long. Within a minute there is nothing left but ash.
As if snapping out of a trance, she suddenly realizes what she has done and she falls to her knees where he had been lying. She lifts her face up and screams his name.
Elena's eyes pop open in her own bed and she gasps for a deep breath of air. She's not sure if her heart could be pounding any harder. She feels terrified.
It wasn't real, he's fine, it wasn't real, he's fine. She repeats this mantra over and over again in her head until eventually she starts to calm.
She groans and covers her tear-stained face. Did she really just scream Damon's name out in the middle of the night? She truly hopes that neither Jeremy nor Ric heard, or she will have to suffer their teasing tomorrow. She glances at the clock – it's 12:36 am.
Before she can over-think what she's doing, she has her phone in her hand and she's texting him.
Please Damon, I need you. Can you come?
She forces herself to pause before she hits Send. Backtracking, she removes I need you from it. Still, she hesitates and considers just putting the phone away and leaving the message unsent. But then she remembers how well she slept when he was with her, how safe she felt and how nice it was to feel a bit "normal" the next day. Elena really doesn't want to dwell on why this might be, what this might mean. She gulps and presses the Send button.