A/N: So my friend and I were bored and drunk and this happened. So yeah. I'm using this to kind of ease back into writing excessively. I present to you, my first (semi)crack fic.

The pairings shall be as follows:

Jeanmarco

Springles (and slight SashaxPotato)

ReinerxBertoltxAnnie

ArminxPenguin (Penguin being Eren because reasons)

Eruri (one sided)

YumiKuri

Mikasa and Levi have an epic bromance.

PetraxAuruo

Gunther and Eld have an epic bromance.

Hanji (yes I know it's technically Hange but) is awesome. She and Mike have an epic bromance.

Just a note: all the Titans are giant ducks. Don't ask we're weird. Also, this won't be following the canon so yay.

"OH HI MISTER TITAN PLEASE DON'T KILL US PLEASE!"

The giant duck (this time in the form of a squeaky, yellow rubber ducky- damn those Abnormals!) cocked its body towards the sound before-

"SQUEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKK!"

"God dammit, Armin stop breaking out into song!" Eren screamed as a Titan picked him up in its bill and started squeezing him.

"EREN NO!" the blonde screamed before...

"ARE YOU TWEETING THIS?!"

"...NO!"

"YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

The blonde quickly stuffed his phone back into one of Mikasa's bras ("Hey Mikasa can I use one of your bras? It's to keep my phone in when I'm using the 3DMG...") and swooped in to save his boyfriend- er, best friend.

With the grace of a majestic eagle, he spun through the air, twirling and pirouetting through the air like a ballerina.

"A-Armin!" Eren gasped as the little blonde boy slashed through the nape of the giant duck's neck and caught him with a flourish. They stood like that, Eren in Armin's arms and aqua meeting blue for what seemed like the first time. The dying screech of the Titan rang in their ears.

It was the most beautiful thing they had ever heard.

Armin looked out into the distance, no emotion reflecting on his face, before very calmly placing his hand on Eren's crotch.

"Armin! What the-"

Before Eren could finish what he was saying, there was a loud boom. And suddenly there was a giant penguin standing above Armin.

Yes Eren transformed into a penguin because penguin's are birds too but only Eren because the authors say so. Without further ado, Eren grabbed Armin in his flipper and stuffed him down his pants (the authors felt sorry for Eren and decided "Ah, what the hell, let's make him have pants just this once for comic relief. But they must be khakis!"). Armin then proceeded to suck his dick...well, not really because if Titan-penguin-Eren had a dick it would be too big for the small blonde boy to technically suck... So basically, Armin was just licking the spot where Eren's missing genitalia was supposed to be like the little horndog he was.

Eren gave a mighty...penguin noise...before charging off into the sunset (which was actually just flames from shit getting set on fire) and kicking some Titan booty.

Meanwhile Hanji was busy flipping a shit over the Titans.

"Ooh, look! That one has a red crest!"

"Yep," Mike replied, uninterested.

"And that one-"

"Mmmhmm."

"And-"

"Hanji shut up."

"Okay~!"

"No seriously, I smell someone."

"Oh."

The two set off in the direction Mike's nose led them, galloping through the burning buildings. They turned the corner and...

Saw Sasha stuffed into Connie's shirt. Sucking a potato.

"What the actual fuck?" Mike asked.

Hanji very slowly leaned towards him before slowly whispering, "Shrek is love. Shrek is life."

With those words, she turned into the giant, green beast, charging off with a roar and leaving the scent of onions in her wake. Mike stared after her with awe before whispering, "Woah. My friend is so cool."

Marco stopped when he saw a green blob barrel by, roaring in ecstasy.

"Was that...a Shrek?" he murmured, eyebrows creasing.

"Marco!"

"Marco!"

"Hey psst, Marco!"

Marco spun around, eyes widening when he came face to face with Jean, noses touching.

"Wh-wh-whaaa?"

Jean blushed down to his Adam's apple, swallowing nervously. A ukulele strummed to their left.

"Reiner what the fuck?!" Jean shouted, yanking away from a red-faced Marco.

"Music is beautiful," the buff blonde whispered, teary eyed. "Music is love. Music is life."

A sigh of wind passed the building. After a moment of eerie silence, Bertolt popped his head out of the back of Reiner's shirt.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT?!" Jean roared.

"Oh hi."

Annie's eyes peered at the horse-faced soldier through Reiner's open pants zipper. "Hello."

It all became too much for Marco, who passed out. Jean gave an extremely manly yelp, going in to catch the freckled boy. However, he was a bit late and Marco's body hit the roof of the building they were standing one. Jean winced, backing up a bit, only to see that Marco's body was following his movements.

Marco's lip had somehow gotten caught on Jean's pants zipper when he fell so not only was he now unconscious, but he was practically giving Jean a blowjob through his pants. To make it worse, Jean now had a raging boner.

"Wh-what do I do?!" he shouted in panic.

Reiner gave a very manly laugh. "Hah hah... Yeah man, you're fucked. Why don'cha ask Annie for help?"

Said blonde retreated further into Reiner's pants with a glare.

"Well..." Bertolt said. "This might help. I'll bertell you what I bertold him. You just gotta shove it all in there even if he chokes-"

"OH MY GOD!" Jean screamed, mortified.

Just then, there was a groan near his groin. Marco's eyes fluttered open.

Jean stared at him. He stared at Jean. Both of them slowly went red.

Marco fainted again.

"Ready baby, I'm gonna do a backflip," Ymir shouted over her shoulder to the small blonde girl clinging to her back. Krista grinned hugely, grabbing on to her girlfriend's shoulders tightly.

"Woohoo!"

A/N: And so ends chapter one. Oh god, what have I done? Haadiya you little shit, I blame this on you. So yeah. Review 'n shit. I have a feeling so many people are gonna be offended by this...