"Mycroft!"
"Sherlock."
"Have you been there the whole time?"
"No I was in the lounge. Tea?"
"You were in the lounge and I didn't notice you? I, didn't notice you?"
"I assume you were too busy burgling me. Did you find what you were looking for? Tea?"
"Have you been crying? Are you working on a case?"
"Fascinating connection. And thank you, for sounding so shocked at the idea I'd be working on a case."
"What is it? You've never been interested in such trivia, in your own words. Yes please."
"Why are you here?"
"Hmm, avoiding the question, a case you don't want me to know about?"
"Why did you come back in, after you stole whatever it was and left?"
"I forgot one of your ID's. If it was a case you wanted to hide from me you would have stopped me when I first came in, it could be about me and not something you have information on lying around…but I haven't done anything to warrant your interest…"
"-Here's your tea, feel free to take it with you and let me know if you left behind anymore of my property-"
"-And your increasingly obvious wish not to discuss it is singular, if it was a case but not concerning me or needing to be hidden from me, you would undoubtedly have given it to me…"
"…It's not a complex deduction Sherlock, you are more than capable of making it."
"You're not on a case."
"Bravo. Are we done here?"
"Not cooking, no allergies, no evidence of experiment-"
"Sherlock!"
"You were…actually crying."
"I realise such displays are repellent to you, Sherlock, but humans are occasionally known to do indulge all the same. Although, it must be somewhat unusual to be interrupted by a burglary, rather than a general visitor. I'm sure you can see yourself out.
…"Is there something else I can help you with this evening, Sherlock?"
"What are you crying about?"
"Do you have to make it sound so absurd, Sherlock? I had a bad day, I thought I was privately venting frustration and you broke in, twice, I'm sorry about that."
"Fine, Mycroft, it's not an alien concept. But what's wrong?"
"Nothing, it's fine, please go home, Sherlock."
"Tell me. You can reason it out as much as you like, Mycroft, humans do cry, but I haven't seen you do so in over fifteen years, so what is it?"
"…If you insist. My partner ended our relationship today. It was unpleasant and unexpected. Satisfied?"
"…Your partner? You had a girlfriend?"
"Not quite."
"Boyfriend? Intriguing, Mycroft."
"Thank you, for not pretending to be surprised by his gender, if genuinely so by his existence."
"Why did he break up with you? Did you have him under very creepy surveillance too?"
"I've told you what's wrong, Sherlock, now if you don't mind, I'd quite like to go to bed."
"Tell me what happened."
"Go home, Sherlock."
"You can't tell me half a story, Mycroft, it's me, I'll only keep prying till I find out."
"…Someone told him to stay away from me. He heeded their advice."
...
...
"Am I an experiment, Mycroft?"
"What? Why on earth would you say that?"
"Answer the question!"
"No! I would quite like an answer to mine too, now, if you don't mind, why would you ask such a thing? And why are you yelling at me?"
"You have to admit, it's a pretty odd set up. You're basically the CIA, and I'm a relatively low ranking CID officer."
"You are being ridiculous, I'm an advisor to the British Prime Minister, and you could equally call yourself a relatively high ranking CID officer, given the adverb."
"Mycroft, I am so far from joking."
"…What's wrong, Gregory, where is this coming from?"
"…Your brother saw us together."
"Oh. Did he react badly? I've heard nothing from him today."
"No, he didn't see us together like that, he simply saw us talking. Without any suspicion we might be involved, he laughed at the idea you'd strike up a friendship with me, saying you must be getting desperate."
"He means for information about him, Greg-"
"I know what he meant. Is he right then? Is this all so you can have someone spy on Sherlock while he's on a case?"
"No! …Is that really what you think of me?"
"It's not what I think, Mycroft, it's what your own brother thinks! He has no reason to lie to or deceive me-"
"-And yet, you aren't seriously suggesting he never has done?"
"He stands to gain nothing from telling me to stay away from you!"
"I'm not suggesting Sherlock doesn't believe it, he obviously does! And to be fair to him, I have bribed his friends for information before. But I am not bribing you. This…has absolutely nothing to do with Sherlock."
"…He said your powers of deduction are greater than his."
"You already know that. Do you really need that to know I know slightly more about my own intentions than he does? Sherlock is brilliant, Gregory, but matters of the heart are not his forté."
"He said you're his superior in every area of detection except execution, including the art of deception."
"I wouldn't go that far, he has at the very least, got years of field experience over me, he has investment and dedication, none of which are factors to be lightly ignored. In this particular case, however, he is far wide of the mark. I'm…stunned, you would take him at his word over mine."
"I trust you both, it's not a question of who I trust more."
"It is exactly that question. If you don't trust me over anyone else, about how I feel about you, then I fear your questioning is null and void, I can't give you an answer you will believe."
"Don't walk away from me, Mycroft!"
"What else would you like me to say? Sherlock is wrong, Gregory, you're not an experiment, you're not here to spy on my brother."
"Then what am I? What is this about? Why are you, of all people, interested in me?"
"…I can't answer that."
"No, I was afraid you'd say that."
"You're not leaving?"
"I am, Mycroft. This…whatever it was…was great while it lasted, but this isn't real. I don't know what you want or why this started, but it ends here."
"Because my brother told you I'm using you?"
"No, because your own brother believes you are, you know why he believes it and you can't convince me it isn't true."
"Gregory-"
"What, Mycroft? I'm leaving, that's it."
"Have I ever asked you for any information whatsoever, about my brother?"
"…No…I guess…."
"Just go."
...
...
"For what reason?"
"I don't know what level of reason I believe was involved. Apparently it is inconceivable I could strike up so much as a friendship outside of my own circle, if not to use them for information. In this case, I am as I hear it, getting desperate."
"Hard to argue with, I said basically the same thing to…
"Wait for it…"
"…Lestrade."
"Well done."
"You were dating Lestrade?"
"We had been seeing each other for six months and twelve days, to be precise. I believed, evidently mistakenly, that we were in the early stages of a serious relationship."
"…You can't be serious. You …and Lestrade…"
"I expect you're right, Sherlock, as you have proven your judgement in this area to be faultless. It's presumably me who has this wrong."
"But you always bribe or bully people I know for information, you've never cared about anyone!"
"…Thank you. I have bribed, or intimidated, people for information, about you and about many other things. It's a large part of my job in fact, such are the muddied waters of the British Government. I have not attempted to bribe, or intimidate Gr-Inspector Lestrade."
"I thought… I thought you were just trying to get him to trust you, so he'd talk to you about me without knowing my aversion to you spying on me."
"Yes, so I gathered, from Inspector Lestrade, when he confronted me and decided he agreed with you."
"But you have to admit it's a reasonable deduction! Far more likely than that you were secretly dating him I mean why would you!"
"Sherlock."
"He's slightly less of an idiot than other police officers, I've never seen you on first name terms with anyone who's not a politician or royal."
"He's not an idiot at all, Sherlock, he's very intelligent, he doesn't have your powers of deduction obviously-"
"Less yours."
"-But not everyone in the world thinks that the only thing that matters."
…"It's still hardly fair to expect me to know any of this! I told Lestrade the most likely hypothesis, you can't blame me for that! Or, to be fair, him, for believing me."
…"Well absolutely. My own brother told the man I love I was using him for information, said man took your word over mine and dumped me the very same day, yet it's still me, apparently, in the wrong."
"What did you say?"
"…Beg pardon?"
"Just then, you said… the man you love."
"…Go away, Sherlock."
"Mycroft- If you love him, why would he trust me, over you?"
"I'm confident that the world's only consulting detective can deduce the answer to that."
"…He doesn't-"
"Go, away. Sherlock."