EDIT Just changed the hyphen breaks to the grey line-breaks, because I'm just picky about that... sweat drops
Huge thanks to my betas… without them this would still be a mumble jumbo of mixed-up verb tenses…
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Bleach, if I did, Hitsugaya would experience a growth spurt.
"Hinamori is dead."
Matsumoto dropped the bombshell over the dinner table. The bowl of rice in his hands turned cold and a hard lump suddenly formed in his throat as he struggled to swallow his food and keep his face blank while he stared down at the white grains in his hands where they blurred and melted into their surroundings, leaving a smudge of brightness that seared his eyes.
Hinamori… dead?
How?
He put down the wooden bowl and walked in a daze to the window, half aware that Matsumoto was still talking. Her voice was subdued and somber as she apologized and said something about wasting away and losing the will to live and the funeral in a couple days. He couldn't hear her; something was pressing down upon him, something cold, heavy, dark, and relentless as it drowned out his senses, numbed his insides, and suffocated him as he struggled to breathe. His mind was completely blank as he stared into the night sky, the bright neon lights outside a stark and harsh contrast against the colorless and dark bleakness that he felt inside.
It had started to snow.
The sky was gloomy and gray and white crystals fell from the sky in the same fashion as they had been for the past three days. Matsumoto was unusually quiet, staying at Inoue's and only coming to check on him every afternoon, her grey eyes troubled and sorrowful.
Hitsugaya had no idea how he lived through those three days; he withdrew inside himself, totally unaware of his surroundings but acutely conscious of the persistent stabbing ache in his chest and his mind saying "she's dead; Hinamori's gone" over and over again – sometimes in disbelief and sometimes in despair, but always painfully – as he hated her for letting go of everything in the end and hated Aizen for stabbing her, but most of all he hated himself for being so weak and useless, failing to protect her and uphold his heart and promises and vows.
He was gazing expressionlessly at the children playing in the snow when Matsumoto joined him at the Senkaimon, dressed neatly in her shihakushou minus the frivolously idiotic pink scarf she always wore. The gate opened with a flash of white light and two Hell Butterflies emerged, fluttering in front of them.
Hitsugaya gave a curt nod and said, "Let's go." He was surprised at how hoarse and cracked his voice was, echoing weakly in his ears before being swallowed by the wind.
As they stepped through the gate, Hitsugaya glanced at the children over his shoulder one more time before the wooden reishi panels slid together, blocking out the laugher and vibrant colors with a dull thud, leaving him with the cold, heavy, dark, and thick feeling of despair and dread that ate away at his heart after those grim and wretched words fell from Matsumoto's mouth.
He closed his eyes.
…Hinamori…
The snow had stopped.
He flung open the door to his quarters and flopped wearily onto the futon, letting the familiar surrounds and the memories they brought forth crash over him like a giant tidal wave, getting lost in her voice and face and everything else…
"I'll call you by your real name when you're old enough to go to the same school as me!"
"Someday I'll be in the Fifth Division with Aizen-taichou!"
When did we grow distant, Hinamori?
"Finally, I found you… so this is where you have been… Aizen-taichou's murderer!"
"I don't know what to think anymore… Shiro-chan…"
Why were we all blind and gullible fools, Hinamori?
"I'm so sorry, Hitsugaya-kun, I doubted you, and I attacked you. Really, I…"
"Are you going to kill Aizen-taichou? Please… please save Aizen-taichou!"
"I know what Aizen-taichou is doing is wrong…"
Answer me! Hinamori…
"Taichou? It's time to go…"
Matsumoto's voice cracked through his wall of memories and he jumped. Turning his gaze towards her, he nodded mechanically and then rustled through his closet to find a clean change of clothes.
The sky was gray and stormy over Seireitei and cool droplets had started to fall.
… Momo…
When he arrived, a group of people had already gathered for the service. Renji, Kira, Hisagi, and some of Hinamori's friends from her Academy days all nodded at him as he walked with a heavy heart towards the group of Captains. The stabbing pain in his chest that had subsided while he was thinking in his room returned, gnawing at his insides and all he could do was to try and prevent his hands from clutching at the front of his shihakushou and doubling over from the agony as he sat down stiffly in the seat beside a sympathetic and grave Ukitake, ignoring the older man's concerned eyes when he offered him his condolences.
Hinamori is gone, nothing could change that.
"Today we gather to…" Someone was talking but Hitsugaya no longer cared as he sunk deeper into his inner world of thoughts and memories, trying but failing to think of something other than Hinamori and her face and eyes and smiles and tears.
"Don't bother coming back! Bed-wetter Momo!"
How could I be so stupid?
"How many times do I have to tell you, it's not Hitsugaya-kun, it's Hitsugaya-taichou."
"If you make Momo bleed, I'll kill you."
How could you be so oblivious, Momo?
"Adoration… is the furthest state from understanding…"
I'm so damned sorry Momo…
He didn't know what time it was, but the sky was still crying and the service was over. People were leaving and talking to each other and trying to talk to him. Hitsugaya brushed them aside and shunpoed away when he felt his reiatsu fluctuate violently. His vision blurred as the realization that Hinamori was dead and gone and wouldn't ever smile and laugh and talk to him ever again finally sank in.
He rushed past the busy streets, Division barracks, and familiar faces and found his breath coming in ragged gasps as the grief of losing her caught up with him, blocking his airway and making his muscles tighten until they started to spasm. His calm façade shattered and he felt dead and empty inside because the person he had always loved, lived for, and cared for was now crumbling into dust and reishi under her tombstone.
The light rain that had started to fall before Hinamori's funeral increased to a full-blown storm as thunder rolled in the black clouds and lightning ripped through the dark fabric of the sky and tore through Hitsugaya's heart. Hot liquid mixed with the freezing downpour flowed down his cheeks and drenching his robes as he let out a scream in sync with another blinding flash of light and thunderous clap.
When Matsumoto opened the Tenth Division's office door, unusually sober and on time, she found her taichou already at his desk, dutifully completing the mound of paperwork like nothing had happened and the past four days did not exist and Hinamori was still well and alive.
Matsumoto knew better.
Hitsugaya had dark shadows under his eyes and the weary way he held his shoulders and his preoccupied expression that showed he was clearly not focusing on the paperwork in front of him told her that Hinamori's death took a heavy toll on him. She wanted to say something to him, anything to get his mind off Hinamori and the heavy silence hanging over their heads.
To her surprise he spoke up first.
"I'm returning to the human world for another mission," he stated calmly, "there has been an abnormal amount of hollow activity in Kanagawa and I've been sent to investigate."
Matsumoto was about to interrupt and tell him it really wasn't necessary to send a Captain away for such a trivial task when she caught the pained look on his face and the way he fought to keep his reiatsu under control.
"I am entrusting the Division in your hands while I'm gone. Don't disappoint me."
Hitsugaya's aloof mask crumbled and his voice was flint-like and hard when he added in a strained whisper barely audible to her ears, "Please understand, it hurts too much to be here and be reminded of her every time I look at something."
Matsumoto was shocked at his rare display of vulnerability. She bit her lower lip and nodded, keeping her eyes fixed on the pen on his desk, blinked back tears that threatened to fall and then watched helplessly as her Captain swept quietly out of the office.
Kanagawa was a beautiful place by the sea near Tokyo and Mt. Fuji. Everyday a short and lean figure with snowy hair could be seen sitting on the beach and watching the sun sink into the sea with a faraway look in his eyes. He approached no one, talked to no one, and avoided other people, looking haughty and cool as he frowned at a passerby who was gawking at his unusual hair and eyes.
Hitsugaya had been stationed at Kanagawa for the past five years. He only returned to Sereitei to check on his division every now and then, marveling at the changes that took place but always leaving soon after.
The stabbing pain caused by Hinamori's death had subsided somewhat to a dull, throbbing ache that would flare up again every time he saw anyone that reminded him of her; whenever he caught the sight of a small figure, brown hair, large chocolate eyes, or a particularly sweet smile his heart would run wild and swell with hope only for it to be dashed by disappointment.
That's not Hinamori, she's gone, you idiot.
It was occasions like those that made him wonder, wonder that if things had gone differently, would their fates still have been the same? And wonder what it could have been like if they had not made the choices they had chosen to make…
… Hinamori…
If you hadn't left to be a Shinigami, would we have been content with each other's company?
If you had met Aizen under different circumstances, would you still have become infatuated with him?
If I hadn't become a Shinigami to catch up with you, would we have parted ways forever?
If you hadn't become a fuku-taicho and I hadn't strived to be ranked above you, would we still have drifted apart?
If you hadn't read that letter Aizen purposely left behind, would you still have drawn Tobiume against me?
If you hadn't gotten stabbed and I hadn't been so weak, would you still be alive and well, and would I still be in Seireitei with you?
In the end Hitsugaya knew that all the "what ifs" and "would ifs" were pointless and it was all too late now because they had already made those choices and were now facing the consequences, not together, but alone because that was the way fate made it. We had a past together, Hinamori, was it your fault for letting go of it, or was it me who is wrong for letting you go? He mentally screamed at himself but then looked up alert and focused when a different scream echoed in his ears and his cell phone started to beep frantically.
Damn, a hollow.
Swallowing a gikongan he drew Hyourinmaru and shunpoed away from his gigai in a blur of black and white. It was rare for an adjuchas to appear in the human world, but hollows were hollows and they had to be dealt with accordingly, especially one that interrupted his reveries. Skidding over the pavement to a complete stop, Hitsugaya crouched into a defensive position and glared menacingly at the approaching hollow, gauging its actions and reacting quickly when it swerved to the left and charged.
Quickly dodging the hollow's attack, Hitsugaya feinted towards the left, twisting around and then bringing Hyourinmaru down in a decisive swing on its thick forearm, cursing when the sword sank into the flesh but stopped at the bone.
Sit upon the frosted heavens… Hyourinmaru!
Withdrawing his sword quickly and flashing away behind the adjuchas to avoid the splattering blood, he then sidestepped another attack from the hollow and brought Hyourinmaru down with all his strength onto the back of its head. The sword sliced through bone and flesh as the bone-white mask shattered into a million pieces. The adjuchas screeched its last cry before turning into a solid block of ice that disintegrated into the air.
Landing lightly onto the top of a street light, Hitsugaya surveyed his surrounding, on the alert for more hollows to appear. When all remained quiet, he slid Hyourinmaru back into its sheath and wandered the darkening streets of Kanagawa in search for his gigai.
The sun had already set, but a tinge of red light still remained on the distant horizon when Hitsugaya returned to the beach. He was strolling aimlessly along the waves that were lapping onto the sand when he heard a quiet sniffle and shuffling of feet behind him. He was about to ignore the kid when a familiar reiatsu registered on his senses.
What the!?
He whirled around, looking for the source from which the reiatsu came from, he knows her reiatsu as well as his own; that quiet and sweet and soft sensation that always sent his heart into overdrive and his head revolving dizzily.
A small girl of about four or five was standing behind him, the reddish orange light casting onto her, splashing onto those soft features as she looked up with sparkling, bright, and teary chocolate eyes. Her rosy lips were formed into a pout and her hair was tied into those oh-so-familiar pigtails.
And all of a sudden he could see clearly no longer because for one moment, for a brief second everything else faded away and all that was left for Hitsugaya Toushirou was the small slip of a girl that overlapped the younger version of her so perfectly that the flood of hope and happiness and elation washed away, if only for an instant, the dull ache that had been his constant companion for the past five years.
…Hi… Hinamori!?
Well… this is it! Thank you for reading, and feel free to leave criticism and constructive comments. You can probably see that English isn't my first language, so I really want to improve.