Scars
CrossAcademy22

I tapped my pen to the beats pouring out of my earphones. For the past hour, I'd been doing my economics homework but the graphs were quickly tiring me out and I felt like taking a nap right there at the desk. So I closed the book and stretched out my legs and arms, not caring that I was sitting right in the middle of the library. The secluded spots and my favourite spot by the window were all taken. Despite it being a snow day, there were many people at the library, mostly students from the same university as me.

I looked out the large window on the other side of the library. Snow was still falling heavily outside. I sighed and debated for a moment to go down to the café to grab a cup of their cappuccino that I loved so much. And maybe a few pastries as well. In the end, I pushed away the thoughts of coffees and sweets and started to do my homework again. The café could wait. I opened the book again and that was when I heard a voice calling my name. It was familiar, but it couldn't be.

'Elizabeth.'

I looked up, surprised to see Ciel standing there. It was him calling me.

'Mind if I sit here with you?' he asked politely, offering a smile.

I pulled the books I'd stacked in front of me, a silent answer.

'Thanks,' he muttered, pulling the chair in front of me.

'What are you doing here?' I asked as soon as he sat down. He looked at me. 'I thought you were gone to your parents' house for the weekend.'

His eyes widened slightly. 'How did you know that?'

Oh, damn. I felt heat on my cheeks and thought of a quick reply. 'Some of the guys in class said so. I overheard them in class.'

'Oh,' he said. He gave a small shrug. 'Well, yeah, but I feel like spending some time here with, you know…'

'Oh.' Of course I know. 'How is Sieglinde doing? I haven't seen her for some time.'

His eyes softened and he smiled as if recalling a fond memory. 'She's been pretty busy lately. In fact I'm here today to help her with one of her assignments.'

'I see.'

'Have you seen her?' he asked, looking all around the full room.

'No,' I said, and looked around for a black head.

'This is odd. We were supposed to meet here at four, it's already ten past four,' he said, and began to check his phone for any miss calls or a text from her. 'No miss calls or messages either.'

'Maybe she got stuck in the traffic?'

'Maybe,' he said distractedly, scrolling through his mobile's contacts without looking up at me. He pulled up her number and called. Worry was etched all over his face and I couldn't help but felt a pang of jealousy at his caring for Sieglinde.

This person. I have loved him ever since I laid eyes on him. It's not something temporary or what people call a "crush". I have loved him for years – and I still do. But he never knows it.

The way he speaks, the way he smiles, the way his blue eyes seem to light up even in the dimmest of light, how soft his hair looks like, his pale, unblemished skin – he's perfect. I love everything about him. But he never knows it.

And perhaps it's for the best.

Because I'm not beautiful. Not anymore. My eyes, my skin, my hair – their beauty had long been robbed from me. My eyes were green, but the left one is now slightly discoloured and nearly blind. My once smooth skin now has scars running all across my legs, my chest, and a long permanent gash was left along the delicate folds around my left eye. When I was still in the hospital after the incident, these scars crumbled my self-confidence and I hated the mirror.

Even after so long, I could not say that I was the same person I was before. I was unsightly both physically and mentally and there was no way Ciel would love someone like me. Had we met before that day which forever changed my life, he would have seen the true me. Not this ghost of my former self.

We make an excellent team when put together on projects so he often requested me as a partner. Studying and completing projects were the only times we spent together and sometimes I wonder if he even sees me as a friend. We were simply always partners to complete given assignments and never once did we hang out as friends. There were never any invitations or anything like that. I understand though. I wouldn't want to hang out with myself either.

It was through a class project that I came to know Sieglinde. And that she was his girlfriend of six months. I was working with Ciel in the kitchen of his house when he received a text message from Sieglinde saying that she was coming over. She often hung out at his house, Ciel said.

It took a further few days of knowing her that Sieglinde finally felt comfortable enough and admitted to me that they were going out but she felt slightly embarrassed because Ciel was a senior and she was a junior of two years. It was why their relationship was so discreet in the public eye. I didn't think Ciel was embarrassed in going out with a junior, though. In fact, I'd always wondered why he seemed so happy out of the blue all those months ago.

He pocketed his mobile and looked to the books I was reading before he came.

'Biographies,' he said smoothly. He pulled one – an autobiography of Sir Conan Doyle and began leafing through it. He seemed genuinely interested in the words, because he paused every now and then at a few yellowed pages. His blue eyes traced the words and his long, thin fingers held the flimsy pages very gracefully that I can't help but stare like an idiot.

'I enjoy reading his works,' he said suddenly, breaking my reverie. 'Have you read them?'

'Of course,' I said, looking into his eyes. 'I mean, not all. I've read all of his Sherlock Holmes' stories.'

'I've read them all too as a child.' He gave a toothy smile. 'I reread them sometimes still.' He closed the hard cover and was about to take another from the little stack I made when a female's voice floated between us.

'Ciel,' said the gentle voice. It was Sieglinde.

Sieglinde was a very pretty junior, her black hair was long and shiny, her green eyes bright and she had a pair of lips which seem to never lack a smile – a perfect match for someone as handsome as Ciel. Sometimes she even made time for me at school; hanging out with me during lunches and the like. She was genuinely kind and never put on airs. I liked her a lot.

Even though she was going out with the one person I loved.

'Hi, Lizzie!' she greeted me cheerfully.

'Hi,' I replied with a smile.

'Where were you?' Ciel asked pointedly. 'You didn't answer my calls or texts.'

Sieglinde gave an exaggerated sigh. 'My phone's dead,' she said, holding up her phone. The screen was dark. 'See?'

'Did you drive here?' Ciel asked, watching as she returned the phone into her pocket.

'I took the Tube all the way here – there's no way I'll drive in all this snow,' she answered. She gave a playful poke on his arm. 'Are you angry?'

Ciel sighed heavily, running a hand through his messy hair. 'I'm not. I was just worried about you was all. You okay?'

Ciel took her hand.

Sieglinde blushed.

I looked away.

'Well, we'll be seeing you around, Elizabeth,' said Ciel, tugging Sieglinde away.

'Bye, Lizzie! I'll see you at school.'

There was a wave from Sieglinde as they walked away hand in hand. Ciel's laughter reached my ears and my nails dug into my arms just to ease this… this pain that hurt a lot more than I probably realize it myself. Only when the skin broke did I stopped, as I did every time.

Note: Another angst-filled story! I wonder if I'll ever tire of writing angst. I've always wanted to write this kind of story between Elizabeth and Ciel but there never was a suitable character that could come between them in terms of romantic relationship. I feel really bad for using Sieglinde this way, but I thought she's perfect for the role. I do hope something like this never happen in the canon - it'd break my heart to see Elizabeth separated from Ciel, as much as I love seeing Ciel and Sieglinde.