The Ocean's Anchor
By Sequoia Hope
When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you
– "When I Look At You" by Miley Cyrus
The day after the explosion
The beeping monitors were the only sounds in the room as John Sheppard entered the infirmary with Elizabeth Weir. Though the room was quiet, the calm, sterile air barely masked the grief that threatened to overwhelm everyone who breathed it. John approached the attending nurse rummaging through supplies on a metal cart.
"How's he doing?" John asked in a low voice. He glanced across the room, seeing Rodney McKay standing at the foot of the bed of Dr. Watson, looking uncomfortable as he shuffled on his feet with his arms folded across his chest. A brief moment passed before the nurse looked up abruptly, as if she hadn't noticed his and Elizabeth's entrance.
"He's doing fine, considering that he's just had two surgeries. He should be ready to return to his daily duties in two weeks." She glanced toward her patient, then back at John and Elizabeth, her expression pained. "He already knows. Dr. McKay is speaking with him right now."
John noticed that her eyes were glazed over, seeming as if she were speaking from another world, and he suddenly realized that this nurse had stayed behind with Carson the day before – and had barely escaped death herself. He gave the slightest of nods before he and Elizabeth headed toward Dr. Watson, who was awake.
"Colonel Sheppard." Dr. Watson looked over at him as he approached. "Dr. Weir."
"Take it easy," John said as Dr. Watson attempted to sit up in vain. "You've just been through a lot."
"How are you feeling?" Elizabeth asked. John glanced at her, noticing her voice didn't sound so stable.
"Well, they've got me on morphine for the pain. Physically, I feel fine," Dr. Watson replied. He looked around at the three senior expedition members, and his expression grew frantic.
"Dr. McKay, I'm so sorry," he blurted. "None of this would have happened if Dr. Hewston and I hadn't been fooling around in that lab without –"
"It's not your fault," Rodney interrupted, his words strained.
"You didn't know," John said.
"But we should have!" Dr. Watson retorted, his voice becoming agitated. "This galaxy – hell, this city is dangerous, full of abandoned labs with unknown devices that can kill in a heartbeat." He paused, his expression turning devastated. "And kill it did."
"Look, just consider yourself lucky that you're still alive," Rodney said in a pained voice.
"And Dr. Hewston and Dr. Beckett are dead," Dr. Watson replied flatly. He turned away, his breathing becoming ragged, blinking rapidly.
"He saved my life." Dr. Watson's voice rose, and he began sobbing openly. "Dr. Beckett saved my life, and I killed him."
Trying to suppress the emotion building in his throat, John sensed movement beside him, and he turned to watch Elizabeth take a step back, shaking visibly, covering her mouth with one hand.
"I'm sorry. Excuse me," she choked out before leaving the infirmary, leaving John, very much alarmed, with Rodney at the bedside of a distraught patient.
Ten hours later
The hallways were dark and abandoned as Elizabeth wandered aimlessly, clutching at her father's silver pocket watch. She was silently grateful for the shadows and emptiness that shrouded her face and heart. Her body felt numb, her mind utterly paralyzed.
"John?" Elizabeth tapped her radio, her voice frantic. "John, what's going on?"
There was the sound of radio static before she heard his voice.
"He's dead."
She found herself leaning heavily against her desk, her mind whirling and suddenly feeling very light. The next thing she knew, she was sprawled on the floor of her office, and she heard Rodney sounding panicked next to her, saying, "Sheppard, she's fine. I think she just blacked out for a minute."
She passed by the dimly lit control room, where a handful of technicians remained working the night shift. Chuck looked up at her approach, and he nodded to acknowledge her presence. She returned the gesture. No words felt appropriate.
The doors swept open to the control room balcony, and as they swished shut behind her, Elizabeth approached the railing and looked out into the dark ocean. The moon was obscured by hazy clouds in the night sky, where no stars were visible. A cold gust of wind blew through her jacket, and she shivered, wrapping her arms around herself to try to keep warm.
"Where is Carson?" Teyla asked, her face weary.
Elizabeth stood by Teyla's bedside in the infirmary. She looked at Teyla, then at Ronon on the other side of the bed, his arms crossed, his eyes laced with worry and fear.
"Elizabeth?" Teyla repeated, her eyes searching Elizabeth's pleadingly.
Elizabeth tried to keep her voice steady, but her words seemed distant and broken. "He didn't make it."
Teyla let out a small gasp. She turned away as Ronon let out a pained shout and stormed out of the infirmary. At a loss of what to do, Elizabeth reached for Teyla's hand and squeezed tightly, helplessly watching as tears silently streamed down Teyla's cheeks.
She tried to zip up her jacket further, and her hands slipped. She gasped as the pocket watch tumbled from her hands, and she lurched over the railing, just barely catching the watch by its chain, her fingertips pinning it to the outer wall of the balcony. She slowly slid the chain up against the wall toward her until the watch was close enough to securely grab back into her hands.
Clutching the watch with both hands, Elizabeth backed away from the railing. Her heart was pounding violently, and she was breathing heavily. She whirled around, as if desperately looking for someone, but the balcony doors remained shut, and she was alone with only the dark ocean waves.
It had been too close. Just like everything else in this damned galaxy.
She squeezed her eyes shut, barely suppressing a sob as she stood there alone in the lonely night.
Twenty minutes later
John scrutinized his dress blues as he held them up by the hanger. He hated the stifling suit, and he hated even more the reason that he had taken it out for the next day.
He heard the doorbell ring. Sighing heavily, he threw the suit on his bed and went to open the door.
"Hey," he said quietly, seeing Elizabeth standing across from him.
Elizabeth looked down. Her mouth moved as if she wanted to say something, but no words came forward. John stood there, feeling a bit uncomfortable.
"You wanna come in?" he asked after a long moment.
Elizabeth nodded. She stepped forward, and John closed the door behind her.
She sat down on the edge of his bed, appearing to have not noticed his suit, and she clutched a silver pocket watch in her hands. John pulled a chair over and sat down beside her. He noticed that she was shaking visibly, and he waited.
"John, I don't know if I can do this tomorrow." Her words sounded broken as her voice, threatened by overwhelming emotion, drifted across the short distance between her and John.
"When I took this job, I was well aware of the bleak reality that anything could happen to any member of this expedition." She paused for a moment as if to gather her composure, albeit in vain. "And evidently, that includes the people whom I've come to rely on for more than just our work here." She was choking out words now.
"I never thought – Carson –"
John shifted uncomfortably as Elizabeth's face crumpled and she lowered her head, covering her face with both hands. He hesitated for a moment before taking a seat beside her on the bed, awkwardly wrapping one arm around her and pulling her close. He held her for a few minutes, and only the sound of Elizabeth's sobs filled the room.
"I can't afford to be like this tomorrow," she confessed later, wiping her face. "But I don't know if I can trust myself in front of everyone."
"You'll be fine," John rasped, unsure of his own words, which surprised him. Elizabeth looked at him briefly, looking as if she didn't believe him.
"I was trying to write a speech, John. And I couldn't do it."
And John knew why it was so hard for Elizabeth this time. In the past, whenever something happened to him and his team off-world and Elizabeth presumed them dead, it had been easier for her to block out the pain, because she could distance herself from the situation off-world, and also because there had always been more pressing matters that the city needed to deal with, and there had been no time for mourning when more lives were at stake. But this time, it happened in the city. On a seemingly innocuous Sunday off. There was no immediate danger to provide distraction. And with the death confirmed with one glance at the scorched, charred body burned beyond recognition and Elizabeth being forced to write a eulogy – it all only reaffirmed the devastating reality that their lives were irrevocably changed.
"So don't," John said.
Elizabeth turned her head toward John, confusion written all over her tear-streaked face. "What?"
"Don't write a speech. Just speak from the heart tomorrow. It's what you do best."
Elizabeth turned away, looking down at her hands. A long moment passed before she gave the slightest of nods, and without hesitation, John reached forward and patted her knee in reassurance. Elizabeth looked down and seemed to suddenly become aware of John's touch. She looked up frantically and met his gaze, and John saw that her eyes and face were devastated with grief and anguish.
The doorbell rang again, and Elizabeth suddenly pulled away, looking embarrassed. John rose from the bed and went to swipe open the door.
"Sheppard." Ronon appeared, and he looked behind John. "Sorry. Am I interrupting?"
"No, no, it's fine," Elizabeth said, hastily wiping her eyes and face. "I should be going anyway." She quickly straightened her clothes and hair, and without another word, she brushed past John as she left the room.
Ronon glanced after her. "Is she all right?" he asked, his voice apologetic.
John pursed his lips. "I don't think anyone is right now." He paused for a moment. "But she will be."
Twelve hours later
Elizabeth felt inexpressible pain on the verge of overwhelming her. But as she stood before the entire expedition, her gaze found John in the front row. She desperately locked eyes with him, and she saw that through his own indescribable anguish, he was silently believing in her strength then and there.
She followed his advice and spoke from the heart. Then the coffin disappeared through the gate, and he along with it. That night, Elizabeth lay alone in bed, feeling intense grief overwhelm her once more.
Three days later
Teyla Emmagan studied Elizabeth's strained face as the nurse checked the surrounding monitors in the infirmary. In all the time that she had known her, she had never seen Elizabeth as emotionally exhausted as she was now.
"How are you doing, Elizabeth?" Teyla asked after the nurse had left the room.
Elizabeth attempted a rueful smile, but her expression was remorseful. "I don't think anyone can say that they are doing spectacular at the moment."
Teyla offered a sad smile. "I understand. I am still trying to accept it myself."
"I know." Elizabeth looked down, pausing for a moment. "The pallbearers are scheduled to return today, so you can expect to see them soon."
"That is good to hear," Teyla replied. The two women remained silent for a moment.
"Elizabeth," Teyla began, "I never had the chance to ask you about your lunch with Mike Branton."
Elizabeth seemed caught off guard by the question. "Oh."
Teyla's face was gentle. "How was it?"
Elizabeth seemed to struggle to respond. "Well, there's not much to tell. It was just lunch."
"Just lunch… with a man who had been attempting to catch you outside of your office for a number of weeks," Teyla said.
Elizabeth sighed. She folded her arms across her chest, her expression becoming contrite.
"He took me to a section on the East Pier with a view of the ocean." Her voice sounded guilt-ridden. "We kissed… but immediately after, I told him that I couldn't do it."
"And why was that?" Teyla asked.
Elizabeth seemed to be mentally grasping for words. "It would split my focus. And I can't afford to lose my balance when so much is at stake."
Teyla tilted her head slightly, a thoughtful expression appearing on her face.
"Elizabeth," Teyla began, "I think that I can understand your hesitation toward and possibly fear of an intimate relationship with another person. As leader of my people, I, too, have needed to make sacrifices and place the needs of my people before my own." She paused for a moment, placing thoughtful consideration into her words. "However, I believe that us leaders are stronger when we are not alone in our worries and anxieties. We face many challenges, many difficulties in our positions. It can be incredibly reassuring to have the unconditional support of one to whom you are close and with whom you are able to share your struggles and your achievements."
Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "Well, it's not like I don't have friends here," she countered.
"I know that you have many people who care very much about you here," Teyla said, smiling. She paused for a moment, contemplating a question. "Elizabeth, if you do not mind me asking – to whom do you feel closest here in Atlantis?"
Elizabeth was silent for a moment, as if unsure of what to say.
"Probably John," Elizabeth admitted. She looked away for a moment, blinking rapidly. "We've been through a lot together."
Teyla studied Elizabeth's abashed face, realizing that Elizabeth had just revealed something very personal to her. She nodded in understanding. "You have faced life… and death together. There is intimacy in those experiences." Her face became thoughtful once more.
"Teyla, after Carson… I realized that what I was worrying about with Mike was unimportant," Elizabeth cut in, sounding rattled. "There are much more urgent matters that demand my attention. And when something like this happens… it's too dangerous for me to get involved with anyone if the chance of losing them exists."
"Elizabeth." Teyla took Elizabeth's hand. "Was it not worth it to have had Carson as not only your colleague, but also as a close friend?"
Elizabeth looked startled. As Teyla studied her expression, she saw regret in her eyes… but it was not regret for a friendship that could have been.
"Yes. Yes, it was," Elizabeth managed to say. Teyla allowed for a moment of silence before speaking again.
"I believe that it is important for us leaders to remember that we, too, are humans," Teyla continued after a moment. "We are allowed to be vulnerable at times, and we have the same right as others to love and be loved by others. And yes, it is a risk. It is frightening to risk your heart, especially in this galaxy, where the Wraith are savaging and your loved ones can be taken away from you at any moment. But because life is so precious here, we must celebrate it with the people around us. I believe that if the Ancestors allow our loved ones to be taken from us, then the pain of losing them is worth the joy and happiness gained when you risk inviting them into your life."
Teyla squeezed Elizabeth's hand. "Promise me that you will try, Elizabeth," she said.
"Teyla –"
"You can only gain from trying."
Elizabeth's expression was laced with uncertainty. But she looked at Teyla and attempted a sad smile. She squeezed Teyla's hand. "I promise."
Three hours later
The doors swished open, and John saw Elizabeth as he stepped onto the balcony. Elizabeth turned her head around as he approached.
"Ronon's in the infirmary with Teyla. Rodney's out on the pier – said he needed some time alone." John placed his hands on the railing and leaned forward, looking out at the vast ocean. Elizabeth turned toward him.
"How was everything back on Earth?" she asked quietly.
"Well, I'm not sure anyone ever comes back from a funeral acting like they've just won the war with the Wraith," John replied. Elizabeth smiled sadly.
"How about you?" John asked in a low voice, turning toward Elizabeth. "You holding up ok?"
Elizabeth looked down. "Like you said, we haven't won the war just yet." John nodded, and the two shared a moment of silence.
"Life's a bitch in this galaxy," John said, his voice jaded, as he spotted a small figure in the distant pier. "I'll be damned if I lose any more of you."
"I know you'll do everything you can to keep that from happening," Elizabeth murmured. Another silence set in as they watched the distant water.
"John, thank you," Elizabeth said, turning toward him suddenly. John looked at her, a bit surprised and also confused. "For that night, when…" She trailed off, her eyes averting his gaze. John understood.
"Anytime," John replied quietly, his eyes narrowing.
Elizabeth looked up into his eyes, and without skipping a beat, she stepped forward and embraced him. John felt his breath catch, and it took him a moment before he wrapped his own arms around Elizabeth and hugged her back tightly. They stood there, holding each other, for what must have only been a few seconds but felt like several minutes before breaking apart.
"John, I –" Elizabeth gasped.
"No, it's ok," John interrupted, feeling slightly self-conscious. "You don't have to say it."
"No, I do," Elizabeth insisted. She brushed her hair out of her face, looking flustered, before meeting his gaze. "You were right about one thing that night. That I speak best from the heart." She paused for a moment, blinking rapidly, and her voice was laced with emotion. "And what I have to say to you is… you're my anchor, John. I couldn't do this without you."
She fell forward into his arms again, and as the wind blew over the ocean, John wondered if Elizabeth had just said something that confirmed all he needed to know about her. He pulled her close, his face buried against her wind-blown hair.
"The same goes for you," John whispered back. "And we'll get through this together."
Author's note: I've recently been watching SGA after having been disconnected from the show and fandom for several years. The last time that I was involved in the show, I, like many other fans out there, was greatly upset with many of the casting decisions the producers had made at the end of Season 3, one of them being killing Dr. Carson Beckett and removing a beloved character from the main cast. Before I re-watched Sunday, I was apprehensive about how I would react to the episode this time after several years. The truth is, however, I found myself enjoying most of the episode, which surprised me. Despite the fact that this was the episode that killed off a beloved character, I couldn't deny that I appreciated seeing a friendship moment between Elizabeth and Teyla; John teaching Ronon how to play golf (and later having his own butt kicked by Ronon); Rodney on an awkward but cute lunch date with Katie Brown; and Carson doing what he does best: saving the lives of others. I watch SGA not always for the strength of the plotlines and writing, but rather because of the beautiful cast and characters, and I appreciated that this episode had many beautiful and memorable character moments.
So after watching the episode, I was asking myself how to reconcile my conflicting feelings toward it. I felt that the episode was brilliantly done, and even if it included an unexpected and unwarranted character death, I couldn't bring myself to resent the episode as a whole anymore. Somewhere along my musings, I realized that I had always wished that the show had done more of showcasing real, human emotions for its characters, and this would have been a very suitable episode in which to do so. However, even though the end of Sunday showed the five remaining main characters reacting in some way to Carson's demise, I realized that I wasn't satisfied with how little the episode portrayed. I thought to myself, why not amend this drawback through writing, if only to obtain a sense of personal closure? I loved the characters so much, so why not take an incredible tragedy and through it, further flesh out the characters' emotions and recognize what makes them vulnerable and human?
In writing this story, I wondered what events might have transpired in the two days between the fateful explosion and the memorial service, and I wondered what may have happened after the pallbearers returned to Atlantis. I chose to center this piece around Elizabeth, because we often see her only as the strong, unwavering leader of Atlantis, yet there were those moments in which we learned that she also has a vulnerable side and an incredible heart for those closest to her. I watched as she spoke at Carson's memorial service, and she was clearly struggling not to break down mid-speech. I realized that this isn't about the Wraith attacking Atlantis or the Genii taking the team hostage off-world. This is about our characters reacting to the death of a beloved friend and experiencing real, raw, honest, and human emotions. They may have uncompromising obligations toward their city and their people, yet given their extraordinary circumstances, they're also forced to question deeply rooted beliefs about what is personally most important in a galaxy in which nothing is guaranteed and life is all the more precious. They need emotional comfort, they need a sense of security in a galaxy in which everything has gone to hell, and they need to come to terms with the harsh reality that their lives have been irrevocably changed. I believed that it made sense for Elizabeth to turn to John for emotional support in her most vulnerable moments. As Teyla observes, the two have faced life and death together, both as Atlantis' leaders and also on a more personal level (think: Conversion and The Real World), and there is something remarkably intimate about having shared these mutual experiences. Even though Elizabeth rarely displays her emotions openly when she is wearing the leadership hat and John is not stellar at expressing private feelings, I believe that in the event of such a personal, extreme, and shocking situation as the sudden death of a friend, both characters would break down their walls and exhibit their humanity.
One other goal that I wanted to achieve in this story was addressing Teyla and Elizabeth's friendship, which the episode did so only very briefly. Elizabeth's relationship with Mike Branton was clearly a red herring, but even if it hadn't been shown on-screen, it's clear that Elizabeth knew Mike well enough to be as comfortable as she was around him, and she and Teyla were close enough friends that the two women had previously talked about Mike together, and Teyla understood the precise implications of Mike's lunch invitation to Elizabeth. I've always felt that it was a shame that the writers didn't seem to know how to best write for these two strong female characters, and Torri Higginson has said in many interviews that she had wished that her and Rachel Luttrell's characters could have had more friendship moments together, as they were both strong women and leaders of their people, and this commonality could have spawned a beautiful friendship. Consequently, I decided to amend this shortcoming in this story, beginning with Teyla asking Elizabeth about her lunch with Mike – another plot point that I felt needed to be resolved so Elizabeth's fleeting, yet important, relationship was done greater justice and could serve a purpose toward her having the realizations that she has in this story.
I hope that I have done the characters justice. Through writing this story, I hope that I have allowed Carson's sudden fate to affect the characters in an unexpected way, to allow them to be vulnerable and realize what is most important in a galaxy in which life can change so unpredictably and instantly. I also hope that this story can provide fans with a sense of peace and allow them to better accept Carson's death, as writing this allowed me to do so. And even though I realize that author's notes for fanfic are typically never this long, I felt that I had to write all this in order to make sense of why I wrote this story in the first place.
The show was flawed in many aspects. Yet, I am grateful that at the very least, it provided us with beautiful, complex characters for whom we can write our own stories and provide with a deeper humanity.
Finally, in my profile is a link to a fanvid I made for John and Elizabeth with the song that inspired the tone of this story, "When I Look At You" by Miley Cyrus.