I had to write this. I honestly DESPISED what Quinn said about suicide in "On My Way". That's just my honest opinion, so please don't flame me for it, thank you.
Anyways, WARNING: SUICIDE TRIGGERS. Please don't read if this will trigger you!
On with the story! P.S. Slightly OOC Quinn. Sorry I made her so HBIC.
The day after Karofsky's attempted suicide, Mr. Schue called them all to the auditorium. Apparently trying to lighten the mood, he had Rory taste peanut butter for the first time. Kurt sighed, his eyes solemn and his gaze meeting no one else's.
Until Quinn started on a rant again.
"I just can't believe what he did," Quinn said, her tone not even the least bit compassionate. "I went through a lot of crap too, but I never got to such a dark place. I mean, he not only wanted to hurt himself, but the people around him. It's just so selfish, you know?"
"Actually, Quinn, I don't know," Kurt spat, looking up to glare at the blonde. Everyone looked at him in surprise-they had never seen Kurt get so angry, and he'd been relatively quiet since news of the suicide attempt had reached them. "How dare you call him selfish? How dare you say he wanted to hurt the people around him? You have no right to say that about him!"
"I believe I have the right to say whatever I want, Kurt," Quinn retorted.
"Yeah well you know what, just because you can doesn't mean you should. So you had a baby at 16. You suffered for nine months of pregnancy, and then a few comments during and after. David has had to and will have to deal with this kind of crap for his whole life. No matter where he goes, there is always gonna be some idiot ready to tear him down and not care if he takes his own life. People are encouraging him on his Facebook to 'try try again'. You always had people who loved you, but when David did what he did, he thought he didn't have anyone left. You had Beth to stay alive for, Quinn, but Dave was convinced that no one loved him. He knows exactly what's going to happen to him for the rest of his life, and he couldn't handle it."
He took a deep breath, wiping away some of his tears. Everyone stared on in shock, Quinn included, unable to respond.
"Karofsky didn't want to hurt the people around him. You think that he didn't feel guilty knowing his death was going to hurt those close to him? All he knew was that a belt around his neck would save him from the pain, humiliation, ignorance, and hate. Apparently, you don't have the compassion or empathy to realize the position he was in. When it seems like the entire world is against you, hates you, will do anything to watch you suffer, and you literally don't have a single thing left to keep you alive, that knife or that gun or that self-made noose starts looking pretty damn friendly. So, Quinn, I'm asking you to just keep your uncompassionate opinions to yourself, and not just for David's sake."
Kurt finally seemed like he was finished, drawing his knees to his chest and looking down again. There was a thick, heavy silence in the room.
"Kurt," Tina said gently. "Why do you seem like you know too much about this?"
Kurt drew in a shaky breath, the tears that were pooling in his eyes falling, leaving shining tear tracks on his rosy cheeks.
"Because in my sophomore year, I was in the same place David is."
Something in Kurt's eyes just broke, and his forehead fell onto his kneecaps, sobs pouring from his lips. Blaine was immediately shaken from his shock, rushing over to Kurt and taking him in his arms, whispering soft, comforting words into Kurt's ear.
"I love you, it's OK, baby, it's OK," Blaine whispered, his own voice choked up with tears. He too started to cry, both boys using each other's shoulders to lean on. Blaine continued to speak as he cried. "I'll always love you, it's alright, it'll be OK; I love you, baby, I love you so much."
The sight in front of the Glee club was heartbreaking, a profession of love laced with sorrow. Kurt kept thinking about what would've happened if he had killed himself. He'd never have had Finn as an amazing brother, never have had his wonderful stepmom, never met the Warblers (who he was back on speaking terms with, but only after they had apologized profusely for their actions)…
Never have met Blaine.
Blaine was thinking relatively the same thing; he'd never had a good friend like Finn, a family who loved him more than his real family did, and he'd never have met Kurt.
The mere notion of not having Kurt in his life made Blaine nauseous. Kurt was the love of his life, his best friend, his soulmate. He didn't think he could be happy if Kurt didn't exist.
When Kurt's tears had subsided, he sat back up, seating himself between Blaine's legs and placing his hands over Blaine's when he wrapped his arms around Kurt's waist. Kurt began to tell his story, a story he knew would come out eventually, even though he tried to keep it a secret.
"It was towards the beginning of sophomore year," Kurt began. "And I already knew that I was gay, but I wasn't ready to come out. Of course, because of the way I dressed and how I spoke-words, not pitch-the jocks immediately pinpointed me as two things. One, gay as the fourth of July. Two, their new target."
He took a deep, shaky breath, and Blaine rubbed his knuckled comfortingly, kissing his temple. Kurt gave him a faint smile before continuing.
"I'd come in early every day because they would spray-paint slurs on my locker, and I had to wash them off myself because I didn't want any of you to see it. It was a new one every day, and each one stung worse than the last. They posted horrible comments on my Facebook page, which I deleted, but that didn't make them hurt any less. The slushies they threw at me were always accompanied with slurs, and the humiliation that came just got worse and worse. They told me I was worthless, that I didn't deserve to live…and I believed them. I believed them because I didn't have anyone to tell me otherwise. I didn't want to come out, and I know what you're thinking; everyone already assumed I was gay. That didn't matter when it came to my friends and family; you could assume all you want, but would never ask me directly. So, I swore to myself I would go to the grave with that secret…and decided it would be sooner than I thought."
Blaine was crying again, but quieter this time. Most of the girls, especially Quinn, were now crying as well. Most of the boys stared on in shock, but Finn and Puck looked especially guilty; they knew they used to be a part of what made Kurt so depressed.
"I couldn't take it anymore. I had no one to convince me that I had something to live for, no one to tell me my life was significant to the world…so I wrote a suicide note and sat on my bed, ready to end all the torture and the humiliation. But when I brought a steak knife up to my throat…I just couldn't do it. I kept imagining my father finding me, you guys finding out about it, my funeral, my tombstone…it seemed like too permanent a solution to a less permanent problem…two weeks later, I came out. That's when I saw I had people who cared about me, gay or not. And then a year later, I met you, Blaine, and…I don't want to think about what would happen if I went through with it."
Kurt paused, turning around to press a slow, loving kiss to Blaine's lips. Blaine kissed back easily, both boys slowly forgetting where they were. Kurt pulled away, wiping Blaine's tears off of his cheeks and smiling tearfully at him. He turned back around, looking at the either sorrowful or guilty faces of his teammates.
"So now you know," Kurt said. "And I don't blame any of you. Puck, Finn, I know you might feel guilty, but just remember you never called me any slurs, and you apologized for everything you did. It's just…it was such a dark point in my life, and I'm ashamed of it, and David doing the same thing just brought everything back."
"Kurt," Quinn said, her voice wavering. "I'm so sorry. I…I don't know what I was thinking. Forgive me, please."
"Of course," Kurt said. "I'm not one to hold a grudge, you know that."
Blaine smiled proudly at his boyfriend, kissing him on the cheek before squeezing him tighter. Quinn walked over to the two boys, taking Kurt in her arms too. Everyone else followed suit, wiping their tears away and pressing kisses to Kurt's cheek, hair, and forehead, even Puck and Finn. Kurt sighed, a smile gracing his features.
This is what he wished he had back in sophomore year. Something he had to live for.
People he loved.
A lollipop to anyone who spotted the AVPS reference ;)
This depressed me. I'm upset. I'll be in that corner.
Review?