Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters within.

Aaannnnd here's my first entry for avatarjk137's A Survivalist is You! writer's tournament, which is the sequel to his previous writer's tournament A Winner is You!. If you missed it, your life just got tried.

I decided to enter Harry Lockhart from Kiss Kiss Bang Bang because he is not a good fit for it and I thought he would be fun to write for.

WARNING: There's quite a lot of swearing in these entries. It's canon-ish. If you are offended by swearing... you are SOL. Welcome to the Internet. :)

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When Harry Lockhart woke up, he did the following, in order:

1. Yawn

2. Curse

3. (Repeatedly)

4. Realize there was a rather large spider on his face

5. Freak out and get the spider off

Then the real thinking kicked in, because after taking a look around, he realized there was something a little… off about his surroundings. He wasn't in his small but sufficient room at Perry's place, where he had been staying for the past six months or so. The meager decorating and plain white sheets and comforter were gone! They were now replaced with greenness. Lots and lots of greenness.

Or is the word greenery? Harry thought lazily as he blinked repeatedly and shook his head about in an effort to try to comprehend the world around him. After messing up his already unruly dark hair even further, it finally clicked that he was in some sort of… Jungle setting. Holy crap, how did I get here?! Where the fuck am I? Do I have my phone? Is my phone working? What continent am I even on? WAIT! Maybe I did acid or something last night! Harry had never actually done acid, he didn't know who exactly he could get acid from, he could get acid, and he didn't recall coming near it as of late. Still, to him, it was worth a try to knock himself out of any hallucinations.

If I run straight into that big tree with the really big elaborate canopy – yeah, that's what it called - and hit my head, then I will use whatever happens to figure this shit out. He figured if he really was tripping acid, another hallucination will result.

He stepped a few feet back and ran straight forward into the thick tree. He hit it head first with a THUNK. The tree was obviously totally unaffected, but Harry dropped onto his back.

"OWWW! FUCK! FUCK TREES! DAMN!" Harry rubbed his forehead and groaned. He opened his eyes. His vision was at first just a wee bit impaired (that may or may not be the result of a concussion) but if the tropical forest was a hallucination, it had neither disappeared nor turned into a kaleidoscopish vomit-storm of colors. Holy fuck! Then where AM I?

Harry pulled himself to his feet and took out his cell phone. It appeared that his cell phone had no service, but he tried to speed-dial Perry anyway. It gave a small beep to indicate there was indeed no service.

While this sunk in, Harry ungracefully plopped back down onto his butt on the ground and truly looked around at his surroundings. Green, green as far as the eye could see. It was pretty dark outside, but just a small bit of light shone through a patch of the thick canopy of leaves above him. He guessed it was early morning, close to sunrise. It was fairly cool out, and he tugged the already too long sleeves of his gray hoodie over his wrists. He didn't hear many specific animals, just bugs, frogs, and maybe a couple birds. He shivered a tiny bit when he recalled the spider that had violated his face that morning.

His focus then turned to how he got there. Let's see… what happened last night? Did I take anything, anything out of the ordinary, anything at all? He gasped. DID I GET DATE-RAPED? No, no, I don't even remember having a drink… He then not only gasped, but also jumped back a couple feet with his mouth open. What if PERRY DID IT?! The man isn't called Gay Perry for nothing! And he's type A! And forceful! HOLY FUUUU- no wait, he went out with some other guy last night! He breathed a sigh of relief. Yeah. I remember… I even fell asleep before he came home… on the couch… how'd I get from couch to here? He tapped his chin with his fingers. Maybe this detective stuff he was learning from Perry would come in handy now. I HAD to have been kidnapped and put here. Perry's gonna be pissed when he finds out I got kidnapped again… Who would do this to me anyway? Does anyone hate me enough to ship me off into the middle of nowhere? The answer he immediately thought of was YES, in fact, Perry probably did. Plenty of people probably did indeed hate him that much, but he couldn't remember exactly who. Probably someone who he screwed over by helping Perry solve a case. Or maybe it was someone who hated Perry and wanted to get back at Perry by screwing over Harry. This would not be the first time. But still - a tropical forest? Really? Damn! Seems a little much for most of the cheating husbands we expose. What else? Have I gotten any weird things in the mail lately? No, I don't even GET mail. Oh wait! There was one thing, like, a week or so ago, right?...

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Harry had gone out to get the mail because Perry told him to.

"Whoa! Perry! Look! I actually got mail!"

Perry roughly snatched his mail away from Harry. "How adorable. Do you want me to go get the fucking camera?"

"Mellow out. You don't have to be so rude. I just thought it was kind of a big deal, okay?!" Harry pretended to get teary and overdramatically covered his face with his sleeves.

Perry gave him that look that Harry could never decide was emotionless or bothered. "It's way too early for that shit."

"It's like 4:00 PM."

"It's too early. What junk mail did you get anyway?"

Harry turned around and hid his letter with his body, as if that would really be an obstacle, should Perry have a strong desire to see the letter (which he didn't). "None of your business."

Perry murmured something to the effect of "Bite me," and walked away.

Harry looked over his letter. "B.O.R.E.D.?!" It said You're Invited! on it in overly bold letters. Harry made a face. A forced, clever acronym… it was probably just an invitation to the grand opening of some center or something else that didn't interest me. "Fuck! It is junk!" Genuinely hurt, Harry tossed it into the trash. Since he wasn't supposed to be doing anything for Perry that day but filing, the former small-time criminal went into the kitchen to drown his sorrows in Mike's Hard Lemonade, Nutella, and Jon and Kate Plus 8.

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That bit of mail seemed odd to Harry at the time, and even odder now. Why would some stupid organization ship me off into the middle of nowhere?

Something rustled in the bushes that sounded a little bit more formidable than a small animal. Harry let out a primitive fear noise and stumbled away. He whipped out his gun, then stared at it in shock. Oh wait… cool! I have a GUN with me! That will make my life immensely easier. And yet… things didn't seem easy for him right then. Okay. I can survive without Perry. Yeah! I can totally get by without Perry! I have survival skills, I bet. Human instinct! Besides, I had a life BEFORE Perry, didn't I? YEAH I DID! I mean, it wasn't headed in the right direction or anything, but… With an optimistic look on his face, getting lost in his own inner narration a bit, Harry turned around and looked at a little opened up path sort of thing in the vegetation. I ought to do a little exploring. Yeah, see, I can survive by myself. Can't be that hard until someone gets me off here. Which they totally will do. Eventually. Until then.

I will survive.

Yeah, bitch.

And so Harry set out to explore his surroundings and look desperately for cell phone service.