DISCLAIMER: I don't own Big Time Rush or Victorious. They belong to Scott Fellows and Dan Schneider, respectively. All recognizable characters, song titles and locations belong to their rightful owners.
Most of the time we'd have too much to drink, and we'd laugh at the stars and we'd share everything.
Too dumb to notice and too young to care, love was story that couldn't compare.
...
Now son, I'm only telling you this because life can do terrible things.
You'll learn one day, and I hope and I pray that God shows you differently
.
(terrible things, mayday parade.)
They're on the beach when he tells her the news. At first, she thinks he's joking and she chuckles a little.
"Shut up, Donald." She tells him, shoving him playfully in the arm. He looks over at her with a sad smile and shakes his head, drawing his knees up and resting his chin on top of them.
"I'm not joking, Trina." He says back, tilting his head trying to avoid the glare of the morning sun. They'd been on a jog and decided to treat themselves to see the sunrise after. "I gotta go in for a biopsy on friday."
Trina gulps and feels a sudden speeding of her heart, and a drop of her stomach. No you're not, she thinks. You're Kendall Knight, you're never allowed to be sick. It must've been a while that she'd been analyzing the situation because Kendall cleared his throat from beside her, now drawing tiny circles and patterns in the sand with his finger. "Is it gonna be bad?" She asks him finally, turning her entire body to him now. "You're not gonna be hurt after this thing right?"
"Nah, the biopsy will take a couple minutes and I'll be under. After that, i'm up and ready to go."
"And what about when the test comes back?" She presses, pulling apart a twig in her hands. "What if it's bad?" Kendall sighs, and turns to meet her eyes. He gives her a closed mouthed smile and shrugs his shoulders.
"I guess i'm gonna have to fight."
Trina waits for Kendall at the hospital. She tries her best to answer all the texts from their friends, sending out mass replies of he just went in and idk how long, soon maybe. when they press for when he'll be out. She chews on her thumbnail some, tapping on the touchscreen of her pearphone with her free hand and hitting the internet app. She chews the inside of her cheek when she sees all her tabs still open from the previous night. All medical related. All scaring her to death. She closed her eyes and massaged her temples as she reflected on the drive up.
"You're gonna be able to walk and stuff after right?" She'd asked as she drove them to the hospital. Kendall only laughed from the passenger seat, rolling his eyes.
"Of course, Vega. It's not like they're amputating my fucking legs."
Trina shivered at the thought. The idea of anything severe happening to him bothered her, and she couldn't help but get annoyed at herself for it. She was never supposed to care this much about him. Hell, they barely spoke for the first few months they knew each other. He didn't even glance her way, just Tori's.
"Just asking. I mean, they asked you to fast and I don't want to go out to lunch if I'll have to carry you from the car." She shot back, sliding her sunglasses down from atop her head to the bridge of her nose. "You're a chunk."
"Of sexy."
"Gross." She laughed as they turned into the parking structure of Cedars-Sinai. "Hey, you're gonna be okay right?" She asks him again, finally after a comfortable silence as she searched her way through the lot for a space. Kendall rested a reassuring hand on her knee.
"I'll be fine. Are you?"
Trina could've almost laughed at how ridiculous this was. Here she was, driving her best friend to get a biopsy, and he was asking her if she was alright. She'd spent almost her entire life asking for attention, wanting it when it was deserved by others. But Kendall asking her if she was okay when he could be fucking dying, that amused her. Only him, she thought.
"It doesn't matter if I am or not. You're the one who matters, today. Always, really." The last bit comes out with a croak and it takes her a few seconds to register a tear falling down her cheek. Kendall is puzzled, she can tell, but he unbuckles his seatbelt and leans across the seat to hug her. She inhales his scent, irish spring and cinnamon. "You're gonna be okay, right?" She asks him again, finally.
"I promise."
"You can't promise me that."
"I'll do my best to keep it." He whispers finally, before letting her go and opening his door. "Come on, I can't be late. They might give my operating table to someone else." He joked.
She doesn't want Kendall to be sick.
She doesn't know exactly what they are, but she knows he's one of the best friends - one of the only true friends - she's ever had and she'll be damned if she has to lose him now. After not even three years. She decides that if he's going to fight, she's fighting with him.
Cancer.
He has cancer.
He has liver cancer.
"It''s only the beginning stages," Kendall explains to the gang as they all sit in a circle on the floor of apartment 2J. "They caught it early."
"But it's fucking cancer, dude." Carlos chokes out, voice strained. "It's serious."
"It's early."
"It's still serious!" James spits out. Tori is silent beside him, eyes sad and even Jade looks broken. "You could fucking die Kendall, you could just-"
"Shut up," Trina caught herself hissing. She felt a slew of heads whip around in her direction. She gulped, shuffling the deck of cards and staring at her perfectly manicured hands. "don't talk like that. We don't need to be thinking bad thoughts."
Logan cleared his throat, "If they caught it early, it's most likely that you'll be just fine." He offers, and everyone is silent still as he speaks. "it'll be hell, the treatment, but you'll be fine Kendall." One glance at him and Trina can tell that Logan's not sure, and she really wants to fucking slap him right then. If Logan can't be sure, how will she? She did her research. People who get diagnosed with liver cancer die within a year. She squeezes her eyes shut tight for a moment, knowing the rest of the group have their eyes on Logan as he babbled on about treatment and how Kendall could be better than ever in a few months. She can't imagine losing the long walks, the video chats, the inside jokes and the one friend who she could call at three am for such a silly reason as being bored. She can't imagine losing him, ever. Not for until he's old and gray, anyways. She muses this idea in her head, picturing Kendall as a wobbly old man still in his flannel and vans. It makes her smile a little.
And Trina really hopes that Logan's right.
Much to everyone's dismay, Kendall decides to do chemo instead of surgery. Logan had researched and asked his professors at school, but for some reason, he just couldn't convince the blond boy to do it.
It pisses Trina off the most, of course.
"You want to go through all that hell when you could just fix it?" She spits at him, arms up in the air. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Knight? People die within a year of the diagnosis with liver cancer!"
"My dad lasted five," He countered. "I can handle this, Trina. I don't need you, or Logan, James, Carlos, Tori, Robbie, shit, even Jade barking at me about this."
"It'll break you down faster." She tells him, holding up her phone. "I checked online. It hurts you, maybe even more than the tumor is right now, Kendall. It could speed it up."
"Maybe it won't."
"Are you fucking serious right now?" She is livid. Kendall has never seen her so angry, at least not this way unless about shoes and clothes. "You're not allowed to make these kind of rash decisions in thirty seconds, Kendall! This isn't what's best for you and you know it."
"I'll be fi-"
"Don't you dare say you'll be fine, Kendall. Don't. Utter. It. You don't know it." She looked like she was having a panic attack. Her long, curled dark hair was flying everywhere as she moved her hands around rapidly, ready to pull it out by the roots if he didn't change his mind.
"Trina,"
"Aren't you scared, Kendall? Don't you have a sense of mortality? You're not a god, you're human. You could die."
"I'm not scared." He said firmly, crossing his arms.
Trina inhaled.
"Well, I am."
Big Time Rush cancel their fall tour. Kendall fights them on it, even yells at Gustavo for the suggestion. But the other boys are firm when they say that they're not risking his treatment for a string of concerts. Carlos counters that if Kendall's sure he'll get better, they can always make it up. The boys stare him down in the lounge of Rocque Records and Kelly even gives him a knowing glance.
"It's for your own good, Kendall." She tells him when he sits there silently.
Kendall eventually agrees.
The gang spends a lot more time in 2J when Kendall's treatments begin. It's turned into the new communal hang out where the door is always unlocked and everyone's welcome anytime. Mrs. Knight and Katie have moved into a new apartment to give the boys their own private space, but they visit often to check up on Kendall anyways.
It's during one of these visits that his mom hands him an envelope.
"What's this?" Kendall asks, tilting his head and turning his torso slightly towards her from one of the stools behind the bar.
"It's a letter," She says as she opens the fridge, happy to see the boys have plenty of healthy options that weigh out the junkfood they'd inevitably stocked. "from your dad." At the mention of his father, Kendall freezes. He thinks back, trying to remember the last time he even heard his voice and tries to remember his scent, his voice. It comes back to him masked in static.
"Really?"
"Really." She answers him. "He wrote one for you, and one for Katie. I haven't given Katie's her's yet, so don't tell her. But with all that's going on with you, I thought it would be best to give it to you now." His father had passed away when he was five, and it was still all such a blur to him. He couldn't figure if it was because he blocked it out or because he was so young. Most likely both, he thinks. Just as he's about to open it, he hears his mother's breath hitch. He looks up, only to find her staring at the envelope with her hand covering her mouth.
"Mom," He says, not meaning to whisper. "what's-"
"You're finally going to read it," She says, fanning herself. "you'll finally get to read it, and know how much he loved you. But you're getting to read it under these circumstances and I was going to give it to you when you were older...but then you went to the doctor and-" She inhales and starts to shake with tears and Kendall immediately gets up from his seat and wraps his arms around his mom. "I'm so sorry, baby." Her voice is broken, muffled in his shoulder.
"It's okay, mom."
"It's not. None of this is okay, Kendall."
"But it will be."
"You are so brave," she whispers, pulling away from him with hands on his shoulders, looking him straight in the eyes. "I am so proud of you, Kendall Donald Knight. You're an amazing man, do you know that? The bravest I've ever known."
And Kendall doesn't really know what to say after that, so he hugs her again, this time his face in her hair and tears falling down his cheeks.
"I love you, Mom."
The chemo hurts like a fucking bitch. It makes him so tired he stays home during his free time, while the others go off and chase girls and to some shitty club a couple miles away.
Carlos, Logan, and James have decided they're having a boys night in the apartment and invite Beck, Robbie, and Andre over as well for video games, beer, and good times. Kendall spends the night sitting on a bean bag Carlos bought a couple months ago for some dumb reason, listening to his friends talk about school and girls and jobs. He feels a little bad when the job subject comes up, as Robbie and Beck rattle off rants about their supervisor at Barnes & Noble and Andre rambles on about how Camille turns into a dictator at the coffee shop when his mom leaves her in charge.
He wonders if Carlos, Logan, and James are mad at him for having to cancel the tour. It's a stupid thing to wonder, really. He knows they care about his health and it was their idea in the first place, and even though they aren't touring they're still working. They've been writing songs with Gustavo non-stop and cutting a few demos here and there. They're not unemployed, and they've got all their money still saved from the two albums Big Time Rush released before he got sick. They're fine, he reminds himself. Everything's fine.
"Did you hear Trina got a callback?" Kendall is pulled away from his thoughts when James speaks. "Tori and I were eating lunch with her yesterday and she said something about getting a callback for some movie," He continues on.
"It's not porn, is it?" Beck asks and Kendall chucks a pillow at him. "What? Just kidding."
"She's not like that." He says anyways, defending his friend. Beck raises his hands in surrender and Kendall reclines back, sinking down into the bean bag. "Anyways, continue on James." The rest of the group exchange looks as James clears his throat.
"Well, we were hanging out at some indian place a couple blocks away from the studio and Trina was telling us about some audition she went to the week before," He reached for his beer and took a long drink. "said she didn't think it was all that great, but she went for it anyways 'cause it's a major movie - y'know that one mystery with the guy from Entourage?" The rest of them nod. "Yeah, so she went in and she says she did a shit job which is saying something, considering she always thinks she nails it and she never does," He chuckles. "but yeah, she got the call on the way to lunch and fuckin' bounced over to me and Tor when she walked in."
"Wow." Robbie swallows a bite of pizza. "Never expected that."
"Why not? She's awesome." Kendall says, looking through the selection of games next to him. They all whip their heads at him and give him worried glances, but Logan gives him a corny smile.
"You are so in love, bro." He laughs as he reaches for his controller. "You just said Trina was awesome at acting."
"I don't love Trina. Well I do, just, not like that." Kendall states firmly, while his friends roll their eyes back at him. "Why would you think I'm in love with Trina? She's my best friend- well, girl friend anyways." He adds the last part when the three hockey heads from Minnesota shoot glares at him.
"I think you just want her to be your girlfriend." James tells him through a mouthful of pepperoni and cheese.
"You're a dumbass."
"And you are in love." Carlos laughs so hard it he almost falls off the couch. "Oh man, I can't believe it's Trina though. She's the complete opposite of Jo. Self-centered, kind of a ditz, and-"
"Trina's really smart." Kendall cuts him off before he can continue. "And she's not self-centered either. She's just misunderstood. You guys should give her a break."
The guys all exchange glances and look back over at him, shaking their heads and smiling amongst themselves.
"You used to hate her, y'know." Andre points out. "Ran outta the room whenever she'd show up."
"That was before," Kendall sighs, remembering how judgmental he'd been of Trina the first time they met. It may have taken a while, but he eventually peeled off every layer of her mask and found out who she was. And it surprised him, greatly. She wasn't the stuck up, arrogant girl everyone else took at face value. She was the vulnerable and self-conscious older sister to the perfect child. He could see it now, much it hurt her to see Tori on such a high pedestal and for her to be nowhere near as important in their parents eyes. Everything selfish she did was for attention, and he couldn't blame her. It actually made him want to hang out with her more, and show her that she was just fine the way she was. That people would love her for the way she was. That he loved her for the way she was.
And shit, he really just kind of admitted to himself that he loved Trina Vega, didn't he?
Trina walks through the hallway of the second floor of the Palm Woods with her headphones plugged into her phone, bopping her head to music. She cut her yoga class to check on Kendall, figuring her muscles wouldn't mind a day off. When she accidentally slams the door of 2J behind her, Kendall pops his head out of his room.
"You could knock, y'know." He tells her as he steps out of his room, still in his pajamas.
"And where would the fun be in that?"
"You're ridiculous, Tri."
"Yeah, it's why i'm your best friend. How are you feeling?"
"Shitty." He tells her honestly. "Chemo is fucking hard." He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. Trina's face falls and she walks over to him, giving him a hug. He's a bit taken aback, but he doesn't mind it really. He doesn't remember when it happened, but somewhere along the line Trina Vega became one of his best friends, and a constant in his day. Whether he was touring with the guys or at home, they spoke whenever they had free time. At the beginning of their friendship, Cat had giggled at them and said they were adorable together. He remembered rolling his eyes at the tiny redhead, and just responding with, 'You're crazy, little red.' "And please don't tell me to get the surgery. The tumor is tiny, okay? Chemo could work."
"I didn't say a word about it!" She throws her purse onto the sofa and sits down a couple feet away from where it landed, motioning for Kendall to join her. "But you know...it would be a good idea."
"Trina," he whined. He loved that Trina cared about him, but he didn't need her worrying so much. "I told you, if the time comes and it's the only option left, I'll do it. But for right now, it's working. Sort of."
"Sort of?"
"Well, I feel better, but I'm starting to get these nasty nightmares. Not even the fun gory kind, the hospital kind. Where you're strapped down and they're cutting you open without putting you under-" He cringes then. "And all you feel is this fiery pain burning into you. It's really fucking hard to sleep now, knowing they probably won't stop." He can see how upset this makes her, and decides to change the subject. She ditched class for him, the least he could do was save her the cancer talk. He decides to bring up what's been on his mind for the past day and a half, trying to figure out how to say it but eventually just spitting it out. "I heard you got a callback." He smiles at her so proudly that Trina feels her heart swell up with pride, herself. "That's awesome, Tri."
Trina nurses the latte in her hands, thumbing the cardboard sleeve. "I actually got the part," She corrected him, now smiling herself when his eyes widen. "that's so cool right? But I don't know if I wanna do it."
"Why not?"
"It films in Atlanta. How am I gonna live in Atlanta for a month? It's so hot there," She thinks back to the day they all got trapped in Beck's RV the last time they went to venice beach.
"But it's a movie! It could put you out there," Kendall reasons with her. "I think you should, Trina. This is your dream. This is what you've always wanted. Why not?"
"Kendall, I'm not just gonna say yes to these producers because you say so." She lays her head against the back cushioning of the couch, tracing circles on her knee.
"Well, you should."
"If I do then will you get the surgery so we can help fix this?" She asked him. She knew it was a low blow, but this way, they'd both win. And Kendall would live.
"You know that's fucking shitty, Tri. Don't try to bargain with me." He couldn't believe she said it, but then again he should've expected it. Trina was amazing when it came to making deals, she was just so fucking charming. "Why does it matter so much if I get the surgery right now? It's not like i'm not getting help. I'm going through fucking chemo, Trina. And I told you, it's working."
"Not enough! The chemo fucks you up too, Kendall. And you know it. Why can't you just get the surgery? Do you actually want to die?" He gets red when she says this, the anger bubbling up inside him.
"The surgery could kill me, you know? I'm perfectly happy riding this shit out."
"But I'm not! It kills me, Kendall, every time I take you to the hospital for treatments. It makes me want to die."
"Then I'll find a different ride," He knows she doesn't mean it that way but he'll do anything to make her mad now, he doesn't need her lectures anymore and certainly doesn't need her telling him what to do with his own health. That's what his doctor is for.
"You know what I fucking meant!" She bites back tears as she argues back, "I don't want you to leave me, Kendall. Okay? I'm fucking worried. I can't sleep at night, I can't relax, I can't even fucking breathe in yoga because I'm so worried I'll get a phone call saying something's happened to you. You're my best fucking friend in the entire world, my only real friend, and you're dying. And I can't let that happen."
"I'm a big boy, Trina. I can handle this myself! I don't need you bitching at me and whining about how I'm slowly killing myself instead of fixing. Because it's me, okay? I know my feelings, I know my body, I know what I can take. I can take it! I can't take this, though. I can't take you giving me this speeches. I can't."
"I'm just trying to help you," She whispers wiping tears off her cheeks. "I just want you to be happy."
"Then take the fucking movie." He cries out, massing his temples. "Make me proud and take the damn movie!"
"I don't want the movie!"
"Why the fuck not?"
"Because you could die while I'm gone!" She says finally, not even bothering to hold back the tears any longer. She shakes as she cries and Kendall just sits there next to her, processing. "It could kill within a year of the diagnosis and it's already been a month. What if I come back and you're not here? Who will I talk to? Who will I fucking call at three am?"
"I'm not dying, Trina."
"That's what you're saying, but you don't know! You don't get it! This shit is actually happening to you Kendall, it's not a movie. It's real life. Cancer kills. It kills innocent, decent people. It hurts loved ones. It makes you want to chain yourself to a block of cement and dive off a cliff because your best friend is shutting down and he doesn't even want to admit it."
"I told you i'm not dying!"
"Yes you are! You've lost so much weight, you barely eat, fuck, I haven't even seen you outside for more than a few minutes in the last week."
"Trina! I don't care, okay? If i'm dying, I'll die! But don't you fucking hold yourself back because of me, Vega. We're not playing that game now. You need to do this. I don't need you to baby me." He realizes the last part was a bit harsh and feels a tiny twinge of guilt, and then a wave of it when her eyes pool over again.
"You don't need me?" She asks, appalled and weak. "You don't need me? Then fucking fine, Kendall. I'll take the god damn movie because you know what? If you're so fucking sure you can live through this, then I'll leave and I'll come back and we'll talk again. But right now? Right now I'm leaving. I can't deal with your delusions, okay? I'm just - fuck - I'm so done. I'm so worried and you're just pushing me away. Well you know what? Fuck. You." She grabs her bag and stomps over to the door, opening it swiftly. "I'll text you when I'm calm." She manages to bark out before shutting the door.
Kendall stares at it in silence, then down at his shoes.
And he thinks this could be worse than the fucking cancer will ever be.
Kendall's home alone when the nerves hit him. His mom and Katie are on a plane to visit his grandparents in Vermont and as much as he would've loved to go, he just didn't have the energy. James was out with Tori, and while Carlos and Logan volunteered to stay in and hang out with him, he told them to just go out and have fun with the rest of the gang. And possibly bring back news of Trina's whereabouts since she hadn't talked to him in two days, and he wasn't breaking first.
It started out as a panic attack, he was breathing heavy and felt himself getting dizzy. His breathing sped up and he felt his heart thumping faster than he was used to. He scrambled into the bathroom to find his anxiety medicine, searching through the cabinets before realizing they were in the kitchen. As he twists the knob and pushes the door open, it really hits him. An unbearable ache settles under his ribcage and it takes everything inside of him to not fall over, groaning as he clutches himself.
"Jesus christ," he whimpers, still holding onto his stomach as he searches through the various cabinets and drawers. Finally, he finds them, tucked away in the little orange prescription bottle and opens it quickly, taking two and choking them down dry. He cringes at the taste and slowly lets himself slide onto the floor, bringing his knees up to his chest. The pain in his chest is excruciating and he knows that he needs help, and curses himself for sending away Carlos and Logan. After a few minutes of contemplation and another pang of pain, he gives in.
"Hello?" Trina sounds annoyed on the other end but he can hear the worry in her voice, too.
"Something's wrong. Come over," Kendall croaks out, groaning. "please, Tri?"
"I'm on my way." That's it. That's all she says before she hangs up and Kendall drops his phone into his lap, trying to focus on breathing in and out and waits for Trina to make the ten minute drive.
Trina is actually running through the Palm Woods lobby. She screams at anyone in her path to get the fuck out of her way and can't get the elevator to work fast enough. She's shaking as the car lifts her up to the second floor, and bolts out of it as soon as the doors open. She's a mess. She doesn't remember if she's still pissed at Kendall or not, because everything kind of stopped the second she heard his voice in agony over the phone.
She opens the door of 2J and runs inside, scanning her surroundings.
"Kendall?" She calls out, still searching. She hears a cough to her left and turns her head, spotting him hunched on the floor of the kitchen. "Shit, Kendall." She mutters when she makes her way towards him, kneeling down and placing her hands on his shoulders. "Fuck, what happened to you, Knight?"
"I don't know," He winces, clutching onto his stomach a little harder. "I was fine, and then I had a fucking panic attack and I think some shit is going on with my liver right now, my side hurts so bad." He groans and leans into her neck, gritting his teeth together. "I think I need to go to the hospital."
"I'll take you," She tells him, rubbing his arm to calm him down, forgetting they ever got into that fight. Her eyes are welling up already as she stands, placing his arm around her shoulders and helping him up. They're almost out the door when Kendall coughs again, his whole body shaking.
"I'm sorry, Trina." He sounds so weak and unlike the Kendall she'd grown to know over the years.
"It's okay."
When they get to the ER, Kendall is rushed away immediately (Trina guesses the fact that he's somewhat of an international popstar helped bump him up, and she doesn't know whether to be pissed or happy about it) and Trina is told to sit in the waiting room. After fibbing that she's one of his relatives, she finally obtains knowledge that Kendall is in surgery to have his tumor removed completely, as she and his doctor had advised him to do months ago. She can't even be happy about the tiny victory of him finally getting it taken care of when she knows that he was terrified when he was pulled away, his hand grasping hers so tight his knuckles turned white. She nods at the nurse who delivers this information before taking a seat, making sure she's as dramatic as possible as she stomps over to the blue cushion upholstered chairs. She takes this time now to text the rest of the group what happened, and calling Mrs. Knight and Katie. The phone call with Kendall's mom is short but striking, Trina can hear her heart break on the other end of the line when she says she'll catch a flight back home as soon as she can.
"Thank you so much, Trina." Mrs. Knight says through a wave of tears. Trina smiles weakly, and leans back in her chair, staring up at the ceiling.
"It's no problem, Mrs. Knight. I'm always there for Kendall if he needs a ride to the hospital." She tells her, "You know that."
Kendall's mom pauses on the other line, takes a deep breath and lets out a small chuckle. Trina's eyebrow raises as she presses her phone closer to her ear, tilting her head.
"What's so funny, Mrs. Knight?"
"You both are just so clueless," She says, smiling on her own end of the line. "or blind."
Trina blinks, tracing squiggly lines on her knee.
"What do you mean?"
"Trina, I meant thank you for loving him."
"He's my best friend, of course I love him." It takes Trina a second to register exactly what she means, but when it clicks, her face gets hot. "Oh, you didn't mean that way did you?"
"I didn't," Trina's cheeks flush harder and she closes her eyes, thinking. How much did she really love Kendall? And what kind of love was it? Her feelings became a blur a long while ago, about a year and a half into their friendship when Kendall was the only one who showed up to a community theater play she was in. After the play where she had spoken her three lines, he drove her to a hole in the wall chinese restaurant where they sat for hours eating family style dishes and talking about their lives. And it was that night that made Trina realize, really see that he was always meant to be her best friend. But more than that? Did she love him?
Of course I do, she thought. It was only a matter of time.
"You should tell him, Trina." She's snapped out of her thoughts when the voice on the other end continues on. "I heard you had a bit of an argument and I know how upset you were, but he was too. He loves you just as much, you know. Now I may be over-stepping my boundaries, but I really believe you're one of the greatest things that's ever happened to him." Trina gulps. "I've never seen my boy so alive, and so care free. Since you two became so close he's been so much more adventurous, so much happier."
So have I.
"Really?" She hates how hopeful she sounds. If she was honest, she could say she'd loved Kendall ever since he waved at her from the audience that night at the theater, but she figured it wouldn't work. Kendall was too practical, too busy for a girlfriend, too...tired for one. She remembered the nights in his car where they'd just drive aimlessly around the city and he's talk about Jo and how he couldn't be bothered to deal with the effort and the heart ache again, all while she sat there listening to him intently and when he asked about her love life, she simply stated it as non-existent, because that's what it was. No one wanted Trina when Tori was right there. And then Kendall had patted her shoulder at the next red light, ruffling her hair after. 'Guys are dicks,' he'd told her. 'none of them are good enough for you.'
"Really." Trina can hear the smile in her voice and she's thankful they're not talking face to face, because she's sure she may have broken down right then. And when Mrs. Knight lets her go and hangs up, Trina has no clue what to do or say. But she does know how she feels.
She's in love with Kendall Knight.
And he could die any second.
Kendall wakes up to the beeping sound of a heart monitor. He blinks, rubbing his eyes and trying to adjust to the brightness in the room. As he pulls his arm away, he sees that there's an IV connected to it and remembers exactly why he's laying in a hospital bed again. Sudden images of him falling in pain, Trina, speeding down the highway, and doctors rushing him away play in his mind like a movie. Trina, he thinks. Where's Trina?
And just like that a nurse walks into his room, and is apparently surprised to find him awake. He waves awkwardly, what else can he do? She smiles back at him and moves closer to his bedside, fluffing up his pillows.
"How are you feeling?" She asks him, checking the IV.
"Okay," He answers, "how long was I out?" She chuckles at him.
"Well, the procedure took about an hour and a half, and after that you were asleep for hmmm," She pauses, tapping her finger against her chin as she thinks. "I think maybe three? You've acquired quite a fanclub outside. All of your friends are here." She told him, shaking her head. "The one with the helmet has raided the cafeteria clean of pudding."
"Yeah, it's his favorite." Kendall laughs a little himself, imagining Carlos going through gigantic tubs of chocolate pudding while the others stared. "Um, what about the girl who brought me in here? Do you know where she is?"
The nurse looks at him a bit confused.
"Do you mean your sister?"
"My what?"
"The girl who was with you when you came in, long brown curly hair, a bit tan, heels as tall as a skyscraper?" Kendall smiled at the description but still furrowed his brows in confusion. Sister?
"Yes, that girl. Um, is she still here?"
"The girl hasn't moved since you went into surgery."
"Can I see her?"
"I'll grab her right now."
And then, after about ten seconds, Trina pokes her head into the room, looking over at him. He motions for her to come in and she does, walking over and taking a seat next to his bed.
"Hey Donald," She says softly, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Hey," He smiles as she places her hand on his, and strokes her knuckles with his thumb. "I heard we're related now."
Trina bites her lip, feeling herself blush.
"Yeah, well, they wouldn't tell me anything unless I said I was your sister. And I had to call your mom, and then tell the others and-"
"It's okay, Trina. I know why." He notices how cute she is when she's embarrassed, her cheeks turn a rose color that no make-up could ever achieve and her nose scrunches up. "You okay?"
"Are you seriously asking me if I'm okay? What about you? You just had a tumor removed from your liver." She reflexively reaches her hand out, stroking his face with the back of it and rearranging his messy hair. He sighs, somewhat in contentment.
"Well, I'm hoping I'll feel better in a week. Shit, I guess I really should've listened to you all before, right?"
"Probably." She agrees, fighting off tears again. "You're gonna be okay, Kendall." She tells him, stroking his cheek still. He closes his eyes and smiles, then opens then and raises his left eyebrow.
"Well, didn't I say I would?" He's cocky even when he's laying on his not so deathbed. Trina gives him a fake glare and breaks out into a wide smile, scooting her chair closer so she can hug him. She feels him rubbing circles on her back and buries her face in his neck, inhaling his scent. And she starts crying a little now, because she realizes that this won't be for the last time and after this she might be able to hug Kendall all she wants.
"I called your mom and Katie," She says when they pull away, still close. "She's gonna be here tomorrow night."
"Bet she was a mess."
"Of course, you're her son." Trina sighs, and Kendall catches the slight nervousness that washes over her face for a moment. "And she...she thanked me."
"For bringing me here? Well, it's not like you'd just let me die on the kitchen floor."
"She thanked me for loving you," She says hurriedly, almost like she wants to get it over with. Kendall looks up at her, tilting his head a little. "thanked me for, you know, making you interesting again." She teases. He hears the shift in her voice, sees her guard coming up and he realizes how monumental this is. He'd be lying if he said he never noticed Trina's crush on him, and he'd be lying again if he said he didn't feel an ounce of those feelings for her, either. Because if he was going to be honest, she mattered.
Trina was someone that somehow wormed her way into his life. She went from James' girlfriend's annoying older sister, to the person he went to when the band was annoying him, when his mother didn't understand, when he wanted to quit and hide away forever. Trina was his therapy, and somehow, somewhere between the string of late night drives and the various shitty punk rock shows he dragged her to (and the one time she stage dove to prove to him she could handle it), he figured out that he loved her too. He loved that she trusted him, and she knew she could call him in the early hours of the morning just to talk about anything. He loved that she knew who she was, and she fucking owned it - annoying to other people or not. He loved her determination, and the pride she took in everything she'd ever accomplished. And it's a strange thing to say, but he loved her brain. Trina was always thinking and saying the most ridiculous shit, and half the time Kendall would laugh his ass off. But then she'd go off on one of her smoke life rants and she'd ask him the meaning of life and share her opinions. He loved Trina Vega, for who she was and judging from those life rants, who she'd become. And well, who else was gonna put up with him?
"You love me, Vega?" He asked her, reaching for her hand and interlocking their fingers together. He smiled as Trina's cheeks flushed again, and her breath hitched as she answered.
"Yeah, I guess I do." She whispered, feeling him squeeze her hand as she said it. He tugged at her hand a little, and she leaned in closer, until their noses touched. Kendall grinned against her.
"Sweet," He mumbled, reaching around her with his other hand and placing it on the back of her head. "'Cause I love you, too." And then he kissed her, long and soft. It wasn't the most passionate kiss either of them had ever had, but it was the most meaningful. The way they seemed to meld together, the way their cheeks got, and how natural it all felt, and it was the way their hearts seemed to be beating in sync.
And it was then that Trina knew for sure that everything was going to be okay.
Twenty-three.
Twenty-three.
That's how old he's turning today. Kendall grins widely as he hops out of bed, walking over to his window and opening the curtain. Twenty-three and cancer free. He stretches his arms out and gives a long, loud yawn.
"Could you shut up?" He hears an annoyed voice behind him and turns to find Trina wide awake in bed, snuggled under the covers. "And for the love of God, Kendall, could you shut the blinds? It's too early."
He dives back onto the mattress, and the way he slides and lands next to her makes it look like he's swimming through the sheets. He places a quick kiss on her lips and she curls into him, yawning herself.
"It's like, ten a.m., Tri." He argues with her, fingers running through her messy hair. She rolls her eyes at him and hides her face in his neck, shaking her head.
"Still too early."
"You're ridiculous."
"You love me."
"More than anything," Kendall allows himself to get lost in the world of Trina Vega, taking in her caramel skin and her honey eyes. Her lips are still stained magenta from her make-up last night, and her hair settled around head like rays around the sun. And it's true, he doesn't think he's loved anyone more than Trina. Not even Jo. Because with Jo, it was like a job. He had to work for her. In retrospect, he doesn't really know if her heart was ever his or if his was hers. They were just two kids who had an amazing time together. But Trina? Trina was his. He knew it the second she walked into his hospital room. There wasn't any work with Trina, there was understanding. If he couldn't make dates, Trina would just go off and do her own thing - study a script, have a night in with her parents, go shop with Cat. But when they did have time together, tiny moments stolen from recording studio sessions and sneaky trips to visit him in whatever city he rested his head in that night, there was never any worry. Because it was perfectly clear that as much as she was his, he was hers, too. No one could change that.
Trina wrinkles her nose at him.
"That much, huh?" He nods, settling his chin on her shoulder. "I guess I'll keep you then."
And then he kisses her, simply just because he can.
When Trina's in the shower, Kendall finally has the opportunity to read the letter. He doesn't know how it found it's way back to him, he distinctively remembers tucking it away somewhere the day his mom gave it to him, not really knowing if he wanted to actually read it. He'd rediscovered it in one of his dresser drawers when Big Time Rush had returned home from an overseas promotional venture, and gotten curious. When the cancer was declared good as gone, his mom had asked him if he'd read it and when he answered no, she looked a bit relieved. He'd raised an eyebrow at this, but never gave it much a second thought. With shaking hands, he takes in a deep breath, unsure if he even wants to. This is the last thing he's got of his father that's tangible, that's sacred and untouched. But the way his mom's voice cracked when she handed it to him, he knew he had to. And with a deep breath, he tore the seal and reached inside the worn envelope, pulling out a crisp piece of paper.
Dear Kendall,
It's me, Dad. If you're reading this right now, I'm so sorry. I wish I was there to say this to you in person, but I guess wishes don't come true. They don't have genies in real life, do they son? (Do you still want a genie? Right now all you can talk about is how upset you are you don't have one, or a monkey named Abu.)
I hope you've taken care of Mom and Katie like you promised you would. You probably have, probably better than I could if I was still there and sick. I just want you to know I love you. I love you more than anything, you and your sister and your mother. My entire world. And whatever you're doing now, know that I'm proud. I'll always be proud.
I didn't want to leave you, Katie, and Mom. I promise you this. If i'd known what the drinking would have done, I'd have never touched the bottle. It's in our genes though, but I calibrated it and I swear to you, I prayed you'd never have to experience this either. If I was there with you, i'd pay a billion dollars to lift it from you and place it on me. You're still so young, Kendall. I don't care if you're fifty-five and reading this, you're too young to go. So fight it. Kicking and screaming, run head-first into the fire and be brave.
All I'm asking of you, son, is to be careful with your heart. I lucked out, I met your mother, I had you, I had little baby Katie. But the ache that fills me hurts every time I look at you. I'm sorry I missed so much. It's crazy, to think about the man you may have become. Did you ever make a hockey team? We just bought you a new helmet and stick for Christmas. You were ecstatic, Mom has the tape somewhere, I anyways, back to what I was saying about being careful. Just because I lucked out, it doesn't mean it happens every time.
When I was nineteen, I met your mother, the girl of my dreams. And she was absolutely everything I'd ever wanted. Beautiful, intelligent, and she could make me laugh for days. If you have one of these, I hope you're careful. I hope you know that this thing called love is crazy. It makes you do things you said you'd never do, it makes you wonder if you were ever you before this person strolled into your life. I want to tell you to not - to never fall in love. Love is dangerous. Love makes you foolish. Young love drives you crazy. But what kind of father would I be if I told you to never love?
I want you to be able to love someone with your whole heart, Kendall. You were always so closed off as a child, even with us. I could always tell when you were holding back. Don't hold back, never hold back. Say what's on your mind, because you don't know if you'll get to say it the next day.
But son, be careful. Because life has it's way of throwing these curveballs at you. It can do terrible things, but if you pull through them, it can do amazing things, too.
Be brave. Be strong. Be true.
Love Always,
Dad.
A surprise party.
His friends planned him a surprise party at the Palm Woods pool. And they did a damn good job, he has to admit.
After they'd all jumped out from the shadows of the trees and from behind cabanas, Kendall got to admire their work. James and Carlos had set up twinkling lights all along the cabanas and spiraling up the potted plants, Tori and Cat had been in charge of the music and found a surprisingly well rounded DJ. Jade, Andre, and Logan had been assigned to the food and they didn't disappoint, while Robbie and Beck had managed to score a photo booth.
"What'd you do?" Kendall asked Trina as they walked through the party, waving at the Jennifers and making their way over to the food table.
"Oh, I got the cake." She told him, grabbing a plate and loading up on hamburger sliders and fries. "I think you'll like it."
"Red velvet?"
"Duh."
"You're the best."
"Yeah, you said that last night while I was-"
"My mom is here, Tri!" His cheeks flushed when she winked up at him, wrapping an arm around his waist and pressing her face into his side. "Don't try to play nice after that." He teases, picking up a fry from her plate and popping it into his mouth. "you're in trouble later."
"Yeah, whatever." She laughs. They're pulled out of their moment when they hear a loud voice booming through the air.
"Dogs!" Gustavo calls out to them as he strolls through the party in all his ridiculous glory, sunglasses still on his face even in the moonlight. Making his way to Kendall and rubbing his hands together as the rest of the group assembles around him. Kelly is walking slightly slower, but only because she's holding a massive gift in her hands, and Kendall notices it looks like it could be a painting. Trina takes it from her and hands it to Camille, asking her to place it in one of the designated tables while she goes off in her own direction. "I have arrived." Kelly smacks his arm and runs up to Kendall, giving him a warm hug.
"Happy birthday!" She tells him, squeezing a little tighter. Kendall grins and hugs her back, thanking her before she steps back and stands next to the producer.
"We can see that, Gustavo." Logan answers during this exchange, crossing his arms and smirking. "Didn't you say you had some big songwriting awards thing to go to?"
"Shut up,"
"Aw come on, Gustavo, y'know you ditched your thing 'cause you love us." James teased, throwing an arm around Carlos. "Admiiiiit it." They sang.
"Yeah, so maybe I did!" Kendall breaks out in a wide grin. "But I've got business to attend to, too!" The boys groan, and Carlos pouts.
"But it's Kendall's birthday! And he's all healthy and can party again! We are not heading to the studio and missing this!"
"Relax, Helmet head." Gustavo holds his hand up and silences him, crossing his arms. "The business I was talking about, was giving Kendall his birthday gift, but we brought the rest of you dogs your own presents too."
"You bought us jet-skis?" Carlos asks, bouncing up and down.
"No."
"Oh. Well then what?"
"We got you platinum records!" Kelly squeals out before Gustavo can even deliver it. He gives her a slight glare but then looks back to the boys, who are all jumping up and down and hugging onto each other. The actual plaques are being wheeled over to them on a display, and Kendall sees his birthday smack dab in the center. He grins when Trina makes her way over, throwing her arms around him as Tori does the same to James, Carlos with Cat and Logan with Camille. Katie and his mom push through the sea of people to be at his side when the cake is finally settled in front of them, and four framed blown up covers of their third album appear before his eyes. He looks at his friends, his bandmates and exchanges grins with all of them, before Trina clears her throat. She leads everyone in a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday, guitar dude strumming along though it doesn't matter because the sound of everyone's voices drowns him out.
When the song comes to an end, he leans forward to blow out the candles that sit atop the five tier cake, and excitedly grabs onto one of the plaques next to it and stares at it in awe.
A platinum record. With his best friends.
Kendall doesn't realize he's crying until Trina wraps her arms around him from behind, and he looks down at her. He stares at her for a few moments, remembering his father's words. That's when I met your mother, the girl of my dreams. It's in that instant that it's solidified that what they have is something incomparable to anything he's ever called his before. He wipes his eyes and leans down, buries his face in her hair and gives the top of her head a kiss. He sees his mom in the kitchen watching them, grinning from ear to ear. Katie looks nauseous but gives him a wink, and Carlos mouthes the usual 'I told you so!' that he does whenever Kendall's publicly affectionate with her. Trina notices none of this, and hugs her boyfriend tighter.
"I'm so proud of you," She tells him, before looking around at all their friends, watching them take photos with the plaques and dance around with their fists in the air. "you won."
And after reading that letter from his father, Kendall understands. He knows that though it was a terrible situation, the cancer had shaped him. It had given him the new mentality to live life day by day and not regret a single thing, it had showed him that his relationships with his friends, family, Trina, and even Gustavo and Kelly were stronger than rock solid. And now that the cancer has left him and his father's words have rung true - life can do terrible things, but if you pull through, it can do amazing things, too. - he believes with everything inside of him that he really has won.
Because not only is he living out his dream with his four best friends traveling the world doing what they love, not only does he have enough money to take car of his mother for the rest of her life and still have more than enough to pay for Katie's college finances when she'd need it, he's got an amazing group of friends - family, really. - who love him, and maybe even best of all, he had Trina.
"I really did." He whispers, pulling her in for a kiss. It's nothing too big, his hands placed on either side of her face and her arms locked around his neck. It lasts for a few more seconds than usual when they're in public and when they pull away, his forehead rests on top of hers and his eyes close, he hums along to This Is Our Someday as it plays over the speakers and though it's cheesy and kind of lame, he grins down at her. "I really did."
The end.
WOW. If you made it all the way down here, I seriously commend you.
Now, for the serious things. I tried my best to research cancer and treatments while I was writing this (I know very little except what I remember from my cousin's leukemia treatment when I was around four.) so I truly apologize if it's all wrong and horribly inaccurate. I wanted to make it clear that the focus in this story wasn't the cancer, it was the way Trina and Kendall felt about eachother and how close they'd gotten in the years before it even made an appearance. I know it's a bit of a strange pairing, but I love it to death.
This story was originally supposed to be at the maximum, 2k+ words, but I guess it took on a life of it's own. All in all, I hope you enjoyed it and it wasn't painfully boring. I hid a few song lyrics in there, can you find them? ;)
Review with your thoughts, please! :)
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