AN: Written in one of my rare fits of genius. I have other things I should post instead, and other things I should be doing xcoughxhomeworkxcoughx, but I like this better.
Oh, and if you think Harry and Co wouldn't discuss anything like this, you obviously need to hang out with more teenage guys
Quote at bottom.

Dedication: To Megan, for letting me rip the soundtrack, and to Lisa, for reading it first.

Warning: Mentions of pornography and the actions viewing it alone often entails… also, I have no idea where in the HP continuity this fits, just somewhere during/after year five

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and various other people/companies who didn't write/come up with anything and just make crappy toys. Avenue Q and all music and lyrics belong to Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx.

"The Library's Secret"
Or
"Why Hermione Will Buy All of Her Books From Now On"
By Much Ado About Nothing
...

­­­­"Hermione, why do I have to be here?"

Hermione sighed before turning to Ron. "If you want help with that essay for Binns, you'll wait until I'm done."

"I don't get why you can't just check out books like normal people,"

"Like you ever check out a book," Hermione scoffed.

"I check out books all the time!" Ron said, indignant, before getting 'shhh'ed by Madame Pince

"Oh really?"

"Um, well, that is..." Ron was suddenly very red.

"Listen, Hermione, before he answers that, just tell me one thing," Harry said, coming to his best friend's defense. "Why do you like the library?"

"Well… The library is really really great,"

"For porn," Harry finished quietly.

"If I want knowledge I don't have to wait,"

"For porn," Harry continued, a little louder.

"What?" Hermione asked. When Harry just raised an eyebrow at her, she continued. "There's always some new book."

"For porn,"

"All day and night I look."
"For porn" he was perfectly audible now, but she was mid-rant and just gave him a dirty look before continuing.

"It's like I'm learning at the speed of light!"

"'Bout porn!" Harry finished, grinning wildly.

"Harry!" she said angrily, getting 'shhh'ed by Madame Pince for her troubles.
Harry just grinned again before continuing, "The library is for porn."

"Harry," she hissed fiercely.

"The library is for porn"

"What are you talking about?"

"Why'd you think that books were born? Porn, porn, porn."

"Harry," she reprimanded angrily.

"Yes, Hermione?" Harry asked innocently.

"Stop being perverse and let me finish. I'm trying to make a point," she huffed.

"…alright," he said, maintaining the innocent façade.
Hermione gave him a suspicious look for a second before continuing. "Good. I'm glad we have research technology."

"For porn," Harry was once again talking quietly but audibly.

"Which gives us untold opportunity,"

"For por-" He cut off as she glared at him.

"Right from your table top,"

"for-" another glare.
"You can research, browse, and shop, until you've had enough and you're ready to stop."

She grinned, thinking she'd made her point, but not a moment later Harry replied with, "For porn!"

"Harry!"

"Shhh,"

Harry continued despite Hermione's glower and Madame Pince's warning, "The library is for porn."

"No, it's-"

"The library is for porn,"

"Harry!"

"I polish my wand 'till the early morn with porn, porn, porn!" He finished with a toothy grin.

"That is disgusting. You're a pervert."

"You sure about that?" he asked, a knowing look on his face.

"Yes. You're a pervert. Normal people do not check porn out of the school library."

"Oh, really?" the superior look was still there.

After a moment, Hermione couldn't take it anymore. "What?"

"For someone so smart, you really have no clue sometimes, Hermione." He turned to Seamus, Dean, and Neville, who'd been sitting observing the entire spectacle, and Ron, who'd been almost in stitches since Harry started his counter-attack. "Ready, 'normal people'?"

They all grinned to each other amusedly before one by one replying, "Ready!"

"What are you talking-"

"The library is for porn," they began in unison.

"Sorry, mate," Seamus grinned.

"The library is for porn,"

"I masturbate,"

"All we guys unzip our flies for porn, porn, porn!"

"The library is not for porn!" Hermione said, her face turning pink from anger.

"Porn, porn, por-"

"Now wait just one minute!"

"SHHHH"

Hermione waited a second to calm down before continuing. "I happen to know for a fact that you use the library for your magical art study group, Dean."

"Yeah,"

"And Seamus, you found a book the other day that helped you turn your mice into marshmallows instead of the muffins you were making in Transfig,"

"Definitely,"

"And Ron, you keep dragging people in here to show them books of the Cannon's old stats, trying to prove that they're, in your words, 'due a winning game sometime,'

"Well, they are!"

"And Neville, isn't this where just the other day you found me the book I needed for my Herbology project?"

"Well, yeah…"

Hermione was smiling smugly, but then Harry burst her bubble. "Yeah, Hermione, but what do you think he did afterwards?"

Neville blushed before replying. "Yeah,"

"EEEWWWWW!"

"SHHHH!"

"The library is for porn!"

"Gross!" Hermione looked disgusted.

"The library is for porn!"

"I hate porn!"

"Grab yourself and browse the shelves for porn, porn, porn!"

"I hate men!"

"Porn, porn, porn, porn!"

"I'm leaving!" Hermione declared angrily, grabbing her books.
"Porn, porn, porn, porn!"
"I hate the library!" She screamed as she left.

Smirking, the guys finished. "The library is for, library is for, library is for PORN!"

"GET OUT!" Madame Pince screamed, pointing almost violently towards the door.

"Geez," Ron said as they were leaving. "What's got her knickers in a twist?"

Please review and tell me what you think.

Quote: "The porn industry is a lot of fun and people shouldn't be afraid" - Johnna Long