Failure
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters; they belong to CBS and their real-life counterparts as well as any other respective owners. Enjoy the story and see the Author's Note at the end for any further notes. Oh, and you may want to listen to "Shattered" by Trading Yesterday while reading the first few paragraphs. (Or the whole piece.) Have the tissues ready.
Toby hates himself. Now, this particular form of hatred is not anything like the hatred the genius behaviorist held for himself every time he would gamble away nearly all of his money at a card table or get himself so rip-roaring drunk that he would barely even remember being picked up and brought back to his apartment or the garage by his fellow geniuses. The current state of hate is not even comparable to the pain, devastation, and crushing self-hatred Toby felt when Happy rejected his first proposal. (Nor does it fit within the emotion more described as self-pity and directed hatred towards his nemesis when Quincy Berkstead's bunker referred to him as trash. Thanks for that boost of self-esteem, by the way, Quince.)
Toby hates himself because he can't give Happy the one thing she wants most in the world. He can't give his wife a baby, and it's all his fault. Dr. Tobias M. Curtis currently sits on the floor of their spare bedroom, looking around the bare walls and the carpeted floor that offers an expanse that makes the small bedroom seem much larger and cavernous than his own bedroom he shares with Happy down the hall. This bedroom was meant to house their future baby, the product of their true love and devotion for one another, another branch to their mighty love oak, a completion of one of Happy and Toby's major life goals to start a family together.
Unfortunately, all of those wishes, all of those hopes and dreams, seem to be crushed all because of his fertility issues. Happy is not the flawed one; he is. Though, to be perfectly honest with himself, Toby would never, never in a million years state that Happy, his darling wife, and the sunshine and hope of his every breath is flawed in any way. She wasn't damaged; she was scarred and needed a little bit- okay a lot- of extra love, devotion, and affection after she was starved of love as a child once she began to bounce from foster care.
No, this time, and everyone could admit it without fear of making assumptions or an opinion, because this was a fact.
Geniuses don't misinterpret and don't ignore facts.
Geniuses torture themselves over knowing a fact that they can't change or fix with math or science.
Geniuses don't know how to react to many matters of heart and emotion.
The problem is, Toby knows the feeling of guilt and doubt, as does Happy.
They would have quite the emotional roller coaster tonight and for the next couple of weeks, for the married couple determined they would not try and make a specialist's appointment to attempt and get fertility treatment for Operation Baby Quintis- as Ralph and Sylvester had taken to calling it now- because they needed time to process the emotions. They needed time together and alone in order to talk through what next steps to take and to research Toby's condition.
And all the guilt and self-hatred begin to crush him from the inside out; he can practically feel his lungs collapsing and deflating over the guilt he feels towards not being able to complete the one goal Happy Quinn, now Happy Curtis had desired more than anything ever since she was placed in foster care when Patrick deemed he could not give his darling little girl the best life possible. Patrick knew now that he never stopped loving her and could have put the bottle back on that shelf where it belonged. All Happy craved in the world was a family with the man she loved, the genius otherwise known as Toby Curtis, and he had let her down, not that she would ever admit that she was disappointed. It was one of their secret vows between each other they had shared since the earliest days of their friendship: never say something that would hurt one another. In addition, Happy truly didn't blame him for anything, Toby is almost certain of that; she had asked him how he would have responded if she had been the one with the fertility issues, and then she reciprocated the sentiment Toby had voiced to her. He knew she meant the sentiment; his lovebug simply did not know how to express her emotions to him, and Toby understands that fully. He couldn't quite process the current situation, and he self-proclaimed he was the most in tune with emotions of Scorpion, as he had to be in order to call himself a psychiatrist and a behaviorist, a genius one at that.
Toby hears the shower water start up in their bathroom, meaning Happy had finally finished brushing the knot out of her raven locks and is now preparing to wash off all the dirt, grime, and perspiration that clung to her skin like a coat, as their latest mission after Walter had broken his arm while falling into the wind as Sylvester had suggested. Yeah, way to spend a Valentine's Day, everyone. First, he and Happy had gone in for the fertility tests which had taken hours, then they had to practically sweat over the possible results nearly the entire day, concluded by two major cases in which saving lives, as always, seemed to be a common theme and Toby finds himself glad he completed that pre-requisite course before his and Happy's lives were in danger. Humor cannot even make Toby laugh at a time like this. He remains on the floor of their spare bedroom, legs crossed beneath him and knees hugged up to his chest, attempting to take up as little surface area with his body as humanly possible. A single tear runs down Toby's face; he doesn't bother to wipe it away.
Toby begins to peer around the room around him, smiling softly as he thinks of what layout he would have given this room had he actually managed to get Happy pregnant by natural means. The back wall, near the window that let in plenty of natural light in the summertime as well as beautiful, crisp, autumnal hues in the fall would be where he would have placed the baby's crib, explaining to Happy and most likely getting approval from his wife that he wanted to see the sun bring out the light in their baby's eyes as well as bathe their young child in the rays of the streaming sunlight that would glow in his or her room daily. The sheets of the crib would have been adorned in zoo animals, and Toby would recite the scientific name of each animal to their baby each night as he fed the baby while Happy prepared the crib before sitting down in the rocking chair he made for her and rocking their darling child to sleep. Said rocking chair would reside to the right of the crib, within perfect reach of their baby's resting place, allowing easy access for both the mechanic and behaviorist to reach their child with ease before lulling the baby back into a deep sleep with a song or simply a kind smile and a soothing rocking motion. On the opposite side of the crib, the changing table, also decked out in zoo animals would reside while the dresser would stand tall across the room with dozens of stuffed animals littering the room as well. Tears well up in Toby's eyes as he realizes that dream seems so very far away now as he can only picture a little baby with his dimples and Happy's smirk and hair, because that dream seems so far away from reality at the current moment. He or she would have been Mommy and Daddy's little genius, decked out in the cutest holiday themed pajamas and onesies Toby could have gotten his hands on, most likely all of which would be vetoed by Happy before she begrudgingly would have accepted them.
Toby feels like a disappointment.
Toby feels like a bad influence.
Toby feels like a failure.
As the carpet cushions against his legs and backside, Toby allows himself to begin to cry, realizing that Happy had gotten into the shower and would not see or hear him letting out choked sobs and pointing his head to look at the stars outside of the window he had always fantasized holding his baby near, letting the light hit the baby's head and face as Rafiki had allowed when he raised Simba to the sky to allow the Great Kings of the Past to place their blessing on the young lion cub. What? Toby may be a grown man, but The Lion King is still one of his favorite movies, much to Happy's fake disappointment and judgement; she secretly loved that Disney movie as well, as it held most of her favorite childhood memories when she was bounced from foster care to foster care.
Toby is a disappointment to the woman he loves most in this world, and he definitely is a disappointment to himself. He had compromised their S.T.O.R.K. plan, all because of the condition he had that did not allow his sperm to get anywhere close to exiting his body. Though Toby likes to say that he holds a high regard and love for genetics, the Harvard trained medical student currently curses the main line of genetics. They told him- or he Googled since the doctor still hadn't gotten back to them- that his certain condition is a recessive disorder and that, being his father's only son, the chances of inheriting such a disorder should have been extremely lower. Great. Chalk that up to another way he was different than what his parents were expecting. As if he weren't already riddled with enough recessive traits, impulsive tendencies, and a genius IQ, here was something else to make Tobias Meriwether Curtis a million miles from normal. The genius behaviorist is a disappointment to himself and to Happy, as he had silently vowed in his head since the day of their untraditional wedding that he would provide a loving, safe, and enriching environment for any genius- or non-genius- babies aka "scorplings" he and Happy would welcome into the world. Toby promised to give Happy the family she had always craved and desired stability for, but instead he was disappointing her by delaying the process of them welcoming a bundle of joy that would be extremely loved, doted on, and practically spoiled by the entire Scorpion family upon arrival. The shrink knows for a fact Happy would never blame him for their shared disappointment and grief, but the lingering thought would still haunt his mind as he and Happy sought fertility treatment. He has to give his loving wife, his dear Happy, a baby if he ever wants to be able to look himself in the mirror the same way again.
Toby is a bad influence on Happy for many reasons, but the current situation definitely tops the list with the worst influence he has had on her. He had all but promised her they would have a baby when she was destroying the crib in a rage once she found out cadmium poisoning was the cause of her false pregnancy test. As he spouted practically a poem to her about their love and how they would have a family one day, complete with a child who loved to share Happy's tools and workbench and Happy getting to wait outside of school for at least one, if not more, child in order to complete her childhood fantasy.
"I want a baby," Happy's voice rings in his head as he looks outside the window and up at the stars.
He had promised her that night in the garage that they would have a baby soon, just like she wanted. Putting that idea in her head had negatively influenced Happy, because she tore down what little portion of her walls remained to give her heart, her hope, and her trust to Toby. He had failed and become more vulnerable, more open, and more emotionally destroyed by the news of their fertility issue. All because he made a promise he couldn't keep, much like his promise to keep her safe and free from any of his past disappointments and feelings of guilt or disappointment. His teachers back in Coney Island were right about him.
"You're a bad influence, Tobias Curtis," Mrs. Baker, a nasty lady who all the students knew had various affairs before she settled on her husband, an extremely rich man twenty years her senior, would say. "You break the trust and hearts of those closest to you," she'd continue, and to thirteen-year-old Toby, the words cut like a knife.
Because he had broken Happy's heart and her trust simultaneously all at once, all because his genetics failed him. He has to give Happy, his shining star, a baby if he ever wants to heal the scars he has recently given her heart.
Toby is a failure, a sinking feeling of guilt and desperation gnawing at the pit of his stomach as he remains seated on the floor. He has failed as a husband, unable to give Happy the greatest gift anyone could ever give, the purest love and wonderful light that would radiate off any child from the union of Toby and Happy. He has failed as a father, unable to give life to the child he and Happy desired and believed in every day. Of course, the word failure would never leave Happy's lips, as she did not view him in such a way; that particular word permeated Toby's mind on an almost constant loop as soon as he found out Happy can't get pregnant due to his disorder.
You can't give Happy children naturally.
Failure.
You've betrayed her trust and emotions by promising her a child, Toby.
Failure.
You know what word describes you best, right?
Failure.
"Shut up!" Toby chokes out a sob, clamping his hands over his ears and inadvertently biting his lip in the process, causing it to bleed.
He can only hope Happy did not overhear his outburst, knowing how easily Happy startles when her guard is down. If he managed to break her peace and relaxation in the shower, Toby would consider that another failure. As Toby continues to sit with his knees tucked up to his chest, the word failure commences to torture him to the brink of insanity, and Toby can only imagine how Walter or Cabe would react to him sobbing uncontrollably on the bedroom floor. For a usually chipper, opportunistic, and enthusiastic man, the quantity of hot, blinding tears is uncharacteristic to even the shrink himself.
Failure.
Failure.
Failure.
He has to give Happy a baby, if he ever wants to even consider forgiving himself.
He doesn't hear the shower stop, and his brain doesn't process the sound of Happy's bare, slightly wet feet squeaking against the bathroom floor as she wraps her hair in a thick towel. Toby does not register her voice until it is directly behind him.
"Doc, where are you? Shower's free if you wanna go ahead and take yours; I didn't use all the hot water like you do," Happy calls as she proceeds to walk towards their bedroom, intent on pressing a kiss to her husband's lips before curling up on her side of the bed and awaiting his return where they could comfort each other in the way only they know how.
Upon entering the bedroom, Happy sees no signs of Toby, and that completely baffles the mechanical prodigy. He had just been on the bed when she left, watching a re-run episode of CSI, as Toby liked to quip their life in many aspects.
"Weird," Happy mumbles under her breath, bare feet scratching against the carpet as she turns on her heel to check the kitchen in case Toby wandered into the kitchen for a snack or glass of water. "Toby?" She calls in slight panic, not seeing him in their small kitchen, either.
Please don't leave; please don't leave.
If you leave, someone might as well rip out my heart, because I will never be able to love nor have any emotions ever again.
Please don't leave.
"Toby!" she calls out once more out of near desperation as she rushes towards the back of their apartment before Happy hears a choked sob release from Toby's mouth.
Instantly, Happy rushes towards the source of the noise, their spare bedroom, and what the mechanic sees horrifies her almost to fewer words than normal.
"Doc," she whispers as she leans on her knees on the carpeted floor, moving her hands to wrap around Toby's trembling shoulders.
Toby flinches at the contact, nearly jumping off the floor as he spins around with tears streaming down his face as his sniffs, snot evident as his nose sounds stuffed up.
"Hi, sweetheart," Toby barely manages to mumble out, trying his best to sound as confident and as sympathetic as usual, though his is failing as he can't seem to contain his composure as more tears and sobs escape his body.
"Oh, Doc," Happy softly says, unlooping her arms from Toby's shoulders for just a minute, resulting in an involuntary whimper from her husband before she uses her calloused hands to lay his head against her chest where he can hear the even beats of her heart and the steadiness of her breathing. "What are you doing in here? Hmm?" she continues in that same soft tone of voice Paige uses when either Ralph has something troubling him or Sylvester is terrified over something going terribly wrong or being excruciatingly painful or filthy on one of their cases.
"I'm a failure," Toby's muffled voice says as he sniffles into Happy's chest, tears rolling down the sides of his cheeks like small rivers as he starts to think of all the times when he has comforted Happy, but now seems to be his time to let out all of the emotional burden he has been carrying around since hacking into the fertility specialist's records. "I'm a failure, and a bad influence, and-and I'm a disappointment to you. I'm sorry," he continues, his face crestfallen and his sides heaving as he remains locked in the embrace of his wife, feeling her press a soft, gentle kiss to his temple.
"Toby," Happy chastises, her voice sounding like a blade cutting through steel as she expresses her disappointment in him. "I never want to hear you say that again. Do you understand me?" she demands, tilting his head up slightly to see those soft, chocolate-colored eyes she loves so much and finds herself getting lost in all too frequently.
"Yes, ma'am," Toby manages to croak out, a small smile playing on his lips as he looks up at the love of his life. "Still doesn't mean it isn't true, though," he whispers, and Happy snaps into her firm, yet caring form of comfort that seems to be so uniquely Happy, Toby is certain no one else could pull the combination off.
"Look, Doc, you need to tell me whatever is going on and why you're in here crying without telling me," Happy practically demands, her voice raising a bit in volume, not that she is screaming at her husband in any form or fashion. "Because, all I know is I came back from the shower to find you crying in our spare bedroom, looking out the window up at the stars, and seeing you more jumpy than the time you drank three energy drinks to try and stay awake the night after the basketball playoffs because you didn't want Walter to know that you had been out all night gambling and only got three hours of sleep. So, what's up? And don't tell me nothing, because I can clearly see something is wrong here, husband," she continues, and Toby can't help but briefly laugh as he hears the slightly forceful tone Happy puts behind husband, a characteristic phrase for her over the months of their marriage.
Toby takes a giant breath, inhaling for several seconds before exhaling in the same pattern he taught the two teenagers who nearly crashed into the ocean or lighthouse during the solar storm a few weeks prior.
"I can't give you a baby."
"Toby…"
"That's what's wrong, Hap. I've failed you. I can't give you what you want most in life, and I promised you that in our marriage that I would always do my best to please you and give you everything you want in life where you will never want or need for anything. And now, because of my condition where my politician-like sperm won't go anywhere, I can't give you that. And I'm sorry, Happy. Sincerely sorry. I just don't see how I'll be able to live with myself or how you'll ever be able to look at me the same way again what with my biggest failure in life dealing with you."
"Doc, you are not a failure. What did you say you would have said to me, hmm?" Happy begins to remind, setting Toby's fedora on the floor while she begins to card a hand through his light brown hair in the manner he uses on her whenever Happy is feeling down, which is more frequently than the genius mechanic would like to admit. "It's not your fault, Toby. It's just not. Genetics hit ya hard over the head with its mischief and combinations of recessive traits, but you can't help that. How would you have gone about not inheriting a Y-chromosome defect? The answer: you couldn't have. It's impossible for you personally to change something you were born with as a result of your dad's genes. Your father gave that to you, and while it may not be ideal, it does not in any sense make you a failure, Doc. You of all people should know that; you went to Harvard Medical School, as you so famously like to point out. You know there are alternative methods we could employ and explore," she reminds, and Toby burrows his head closer to her neck, his tears subsiding as he listens to the steadiness of her voice and the even rising and falling of his wife's breath.
"But-" he begins to interject.
"But nothing, Doc. Yes, in-vitro fertilization and other fertility treatments are expensive, but we can save up and work towards that. We have some amazing friends who have given us a heck of a head start, plus we have a bit of money that we can get from what my dad left me before he—Anyway, I can also deal without any birthday presents, or anniversary gifts, or Valentine's Day dinners as long as I have you and I know we are investing our money into a much higher stake. Our family," Happy begins to choke up herself, holding Toby's head against her chest before pressing a light kiss to his cheeks and then his lips. "Because as long as I have you in my life, Toby Curtis, I will never be disappointed or feel like a failure again. I will feel loved, cared for, supported, and most of all, cherished. We are going to have a family, Toby. It just might take some time," Happy whispers, and Toby moves up to capture her lips in a kiss, tears streaming down both of their faces as they lean into each other's touch.
"It's okay to be upset," Toby softly reminds Happy, and she softly punches him in the arm.
"I was just about to tell you that, dummy. You can be upset, just please don't shut me out; trust me, I know how much I hurt you in that way and how much it hurt me. We don't need to travel back down that road," the raven-haired mechanic admits.
"Never will I ever shut you out, Happy. I love you," Toby says with his usual goofy grin on his face, love sparkling in his eyes.
"I love you more," Happy teases, resting one hand on Toby's cheek.
"I love you most," Toby counters, pressing a kiss to Happy's nose before he pulls them both to their feet. "You know, maybe we should get a dog, help us feel we're raising a family until we manage to save up for fertility treatment," he suggests, knowing how much he and Happy both love any type of dog imaginable.
"Maybe we should. As long as it's a shelter dog; you know how bad I feel about most of them having never known love or being bounced around from home to home because adopters are heartless jerks who return them," Happy agrees.
"Of course. Because Team Scorpion supports adopting, not shopping."
"Right. Los Angeles still had one of the highest kill ratings last time I checked it out, and I don't wish that on any dog, no matter their story."
"Okay. We'll start looking in a few days," Toby promises. "Now, about you saying you will not want an anniversary card or gift, that is where I draw the line, because we at least need to celebrate our anniversary. Deal?"
"Deal."
Toby and Happy walk side by side where Toby can go and shower, so they kiss passionately on the lips before Happy enters their bedroom and flips the channel over to where one of her favorite movies, 10 Things I Hate About You starring Heath Ledger is on, where she can laugh while Toby is in the shower and still be awake when he returns to give him any more comfort he may need.
As long as Happy and Toby have each other, they know they can make it through this pain and difficult process together and one day start the family they have always dreamed of sharing together.
Author's Note: And there it is! My first post-episode Scorpion story, bringing my total stories for the fandom up to five! 4 X 16 gave me so many feels and emotions, and I've been working on it since last weekend, but I just now found the time to finish it. I nearly broke out into tears writing this, so I kinda hope I was able to impart that emotion onto you, my dear readers. Well, I have to cut this Author's Note here, because I am about to go to sleep to rest for my busy week at school! Hope to hear from you guys and girls soon! (I wrote this last night but am posting it this morning due to time issues.) Until next time!
P.S. I included the animal shelter reference because I just got my fourth foster dog on Friday and I wanted to actively promote the animal shelters across the world. Sofía is my current foster dog, and she was asleep when I finished writing this, so I could not post it because the computer would have made noise and woken her up. I started fostering in September and over the course of the few months, I have fostered a puppy named Cinnamon, and three dogs named Cody, Hamilton, and Sofía in addition to helping about 80 other animals through volunteer work at my local shelter. Please ask me more about them; I'd love to talk about them! JHave an amazing day, dear readers!