Title: Jiraiya Has An Awesome Christmas (And Orochimaru Ends Up In Drag).
Author: icefalcon
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): Jiraiya/Yondaime
Warning(s): No spoilers, bar Yondaime's name. Set during the narrow window before the war, where Orochimaru is still in Konoha, Yondaime isn't Yondaime and doesn't have a team yet (although I subscribe to the theory that Yondaime was teaching Kakashi before Team Yondaime), and Jiraiya is hot (last part always true). Avoids depiction of Orochimaru in drag.
Summary: What's more fun than gift wrapping while drunk?
Author's notes: Written for shigeruhiko in the 2007 Santa No Jutsu Christmas fic exchange (since then I have fixed up two tiny little inconsistencies that I noticed after it had been posted).

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In hindsight, looking back through his hangover-flavoured memories and combing through the 'What did I do, who did I do, where is my underwear, why can't I feel my knee' details of the night, Jiraiya decided that his Christmas Eve had been awesome largely because Orochimaru was an asshole.

Of course, he hadn't been grateful to Orochimaru at the time, but he was an asshole and didn't deserve to be thanked anyway.

Bastard was cocky enough.

---

'Stupid Orochimaru. Sarutobi always favours him,' Jiraiya grumbled, shifting uncomfortably in the snow.

If it wasn't for Orochimaru, he wouldn't be pulling out his White Snow Genjutsu Disguise Surprise (which he'd carefully created after a particularly bad mission while reading a book about a country where women ran naked into the snow after a sauna), no, he'd be nice and warm in bed, still sleeping.

His day had started with a rat-tat-tat-tat and an ANBU summons to Sarutobi's office, and a suitably important S-Class mission involving a princess, a mission that required the best of the best, a shinobi capable of the utmost levels of deception, discretion and duplicity.

It was a good start to the day, but it only went downhill from there.

For starters, five minutes into his briefing, one of Sarutobi's aides materialised, and whispered something into Sarutobi's ear.

The old man sighed in relief - 'Oh thank god, Orochimaru's back, have a good Christmas, get some of the sleep you desperately need, dismissed!'

Five minutes into Jiraiya's loud justification of his superior skills, Orochimaru knocked politely on the door, and smirked Jiraiya out of the room with a 'Merry Christmas Jiraiya. I'll bring you back a present.'

Bastard. Jiraiya was certainly going to return the present he'd gotten Orochimaru.

Or, he'd meant to, but he had ended up getting sidetracked by the thoughts of people who'd actually get him real presents, and not just some 'Here's some famous frog spear that you've never heard of, you barbarian, take it so you're not so weak next time' kind of present, like Orochimaru had given him their first year as teammates. Bah, Orochimaru had only wanted to show him up, because the only person Jiraiya would train with back then was him anyway.

Arg, he was a bastard!

Oh well. Orochimaru being a mission-stealing bastard meant there was more time for peeking, and utilising his unparalleled peeking skills to collect important present-related data.

Of course, it'd been a great idea, like all of his ideas, but the increasingly heavy snow was getting annoying and cold! Sure, he was a fabulous ninja, able to take anything the power of the elements threw at him, but unlike a few of the stoics that surrounded him, Jiraiya was smart enough to avoid it when he didn't have to, and not make a quiet but somehow very loud display of his own endurance.

It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't been trying to peek through Minato's windows though, because he was really paranoid and Jiraiya was totally getting a stick up his ass trying to peer through his windows at a decent angle. He wasn't entirely sure if it was some kind of trap he was sitting on, but it was certainly uncomfortable.

Almost... there! The perfect position to peer in and see -

- Minato standing near the window, giving him the finger and holding out a cup of hot chocolate with a blinding grin.

'Asshole,' Jiraiya grumbled, opening the window and swinging inside. In manly, ninja fashion. While muttering about show-off geniuses who got the best of everything, and stupidly alert apprentices who had the nerve to be aware and ninja-like at all times.

'Hah, Orochimaru took the princess mission then?' Minato handed Jiraiya his cup, grinning even wider.

Only further mutterings of 'asshole' and 'pretty princess mission suits him' greeted Minato's question, as he took a sulky gulp of hot chocolate.

'Jiraiya, were you paying attention in the mission briefing? Orochimaru's going to spend Christmas Eve in drag.'

Jiraiya changed his mind.

Life was wonderful.

Even if he was choking on hot chocolate. Hah! Take that, pretty bastard. Sarutobi was right, after all. Jiraiya shouldn't have doubted his wisdom. Orochimaru was perfect for any mission that needed a princess.

'I think you would have made a much sexier princess though, sensei!' Minato batted his eyes at him.

'... Asshole! Ahh, I feel much better now -'

'- You'll feel even better when you wipe that hot chocolate off your face -'

'- and am now ready to be showered with Christmas gifts.' Jiraiya took a judicious scan through scene of gift wrapping carnage, half wrapped gifts strewn amongst wrapping paper and cards.

'Hey - is that ribbon?'

'Yes.'

'You're such a girl.'

'Says the person who was five minutes away from being one tonight.'

Jiraiya snorted. 'I refuse to listen to such slanderous accusations! Which one's my present?' He began to poke suspiciously through the piles.

'I wrapped it first. You always come around peeking when I'm wrapping!'

'My ninja skills are without parallel! No one can detect my peeking!'

'You taught me all your peeking skills, sensei, I recognise them when I see them.'

Curses. The brat was right. Deflection time - 'Anyway, it's Christmas Eve, let's get drunk!'

'Jiraiya!' Minato threw the scissors he'd been using at Jiraiya's head. 'It's one in the afternoon!'

'So? It's after twelve. Time for sake!'

Minato's stern face made an appearance. 'No, no sake. Aren't you recovering from your mission? Besides, I know Tsunade is your teammate, but she's a medic-nin, Jiraiya. She's capable of doing strange things to her liver to fix her constant drinking! You are not, so don't destroy your liver trying to keep up with her.'

'You're no fun.'

'Besides, I made eggnog.' The smile came back.

'Ho ho ho!'

After invading Minato's kitchen and swiping the majority of the booze, Jiraiya settled down onto the couch to watch the wrapping.

'How many people did you buy for anyway?'

'Only a few people, here and there, Kakashi, Sandaime, ANBU teammates-'

'You're the only person I know who buys Christmas presents for their ANBU teammates, Minato.'

'I think it's important,' Minato said firmly, and Jiraiya forwent the snippy response. After all, it was Minato's ninja way - and who was he to say anything, when his genin team were still so ridiculously close-knit?

Still, it didn't mean he had to stop drinking to wrap ridiculous amounts of presents for everyone he'd ever met.

'Minaaaatoooo, why aren't you drinking?'

Jiraiya hoped the brat never became Hokage – he'd go mad trying to find Christmas presents for every ninja in the village.

'I still have Kakashi's present to wrap tonight. I'll drink once I finish.'

Jiraiya carefully prodded at a crumbling pile of paper on the floor next to him.

'What the hell kind of present is this one anyway? It's falling apart.'

'It's something I picked up in Cloud a month or two ago, a treatise on external chakra manipulation and its influence on mood.'

Not looking at Jiraiya, Minato began curling the final pieces of ribbon on Kakashi's present. (Minato had said last year that it had to have five as much as on any of the other presents, just for the disgusted-yet-bemused-to-be-getting-a-present-at-all look on Kakashi's face. Jiraiya was so proud to see his teaching traditions of torment being handed down.)

Ugh. The only person who'd want something like that would be - 'Ah.'

Minato only smiled, and didn't say anything. He didn't get along particularly well with Orochimaru. If they hadn't summoned frogs and snakes respectively, Jiraiya would have said they were like two cats in a small space, all dignified fur and sidelong glances. Most often he found it hilarious, but occasionally it troubled him, in a way he wasn't quite prepared to admit.

Still, it gave him what Orochimaru himself had called 'soft, weak feelings' inside that he'd get Orochimaru a present, for Jiraiya's sake. Even if Orochimaru was a bastard who didn't deserve any presents.

'Thanks, brat.'

Eventually, it only took about ten or so glasses of the surreptitiously extra-fortified eggnog to get Minato to stop his wrapping, and start on the real drinking as was proper on Christmas Eve. Or Christmas Eve-afternoon. It only took twenty glasses to loosen him up (Jiraiya thought it was twenty, he'd had enough for numbers to all start sounding the same) enough to start talking about Jiraiya's Christmas present.

'Do you want to see your Christmas present after all? Or can you guess what it is?' A teasing grin.

'You got me porn.'

'I got you something better than porn.'

'What, really? I need it now!'

'I need more alcohol to give it to you.'

'Fuck! I've drunk it all.'

Minato staggered to his feet. 'I have a great idea!' He disappeared into the kitchen, and Jiraiya listened fuzzily to a prolonged series of crashing and sloshings, until Minato re-appeared holding a – bucket?

'Huh?'

'What, you want me to use a bowl? I only have small bowls. A bucket fits more alcohol.'

'You're a genius.'

'I know!'

'So, brat -'

'What did you get me for Christmas, Jiraiya?'

'That's my question!'

'I've already gotten one present,' Minato said, ignoring Jiraiya. 'Sandaime has given me a team.'

He hesitated, and filled another cup from the bucket, downing it in one motion.

Taking a judicious swig from his own cup, Jiraiya acknowledged, 'You're a very good ninja.'

Jiraiya waited. The dumb blond was going to ask it, despite beingmore than enough, despite being all but Jiraiya's equal, despite the potential that said he'd be more one day, despite the warmth he balanced with a weapon's edge, despite being the brightest thing in Jiraiya's life, he was going to ask it.

Minato remained distinctly silent for another moment. 'Am I going to be good enough?'

Jiraiya snorted. Dumbass, his eyebrow clearly said.

'You did fine with that Kakashi brat, didn't you? He's not any more fucked up than he was when you first got him. Sometimes that's all you can do.'

Minato's turn to snort.

'Thanks. One student is one thing, but a team...'

'Is something worth fighting for.'

'Yes.'

Jiraiya handed Minato another cup. 'Let's drink to your future team then, brat.'

'We've drunk to everything else, why not?'

Clink.

'Speaking of teams, I hope Orochimaru is having fun in his princess outfit, the bastard.' Jiraiya burped loudly, and fumbled to put his glass on the table.

'Jiraiya.' Very, very quietly. 'You know that Sarutobi only-'

'Sent Orochimaru because I was so exhausted from the Dalesian mission? Yeah.' Jiraiya sighed, and flopped down onto the pile of wrapping paper Minato had thrown on the floor next to the couch.

'How are you going anyway, Jiraiya?' A roll of the head and sharp eyed glare told him that he'd better answer quickly, or it'd be No Alcohol For Jiraiya Time Again.

'Pretty tired, brat.'

Minato continued to glare, but didn't call him on it. They shared more than most ninja, more than most teacher and students, more than most friends, true... but there was one area they didn't press. Sometimes they needed to unburden, to talk themselves down from war-edged sharpness, but if they didn't, there was no pressing.

He'd tell Minato eventually, the details that he could, and Minato would hear the stories soon enough, another legend added to the Sannin's name.

His answer was true enough, regardless. He certainly felt tired. Normally after having drunk so much he'd be gigglier than a twelve year old kunoichi, but he only felt very sleepy and very heavy.

He knew how to solve that one though – fuck 'em all and have another drink while he was still alive!

'I wonder, surely some genius ninja has worked out some way to summon alcohol right into their glass? Standing up isn't an efficient use of my bodily resources at this current point of the evening.'

'It's still the afternoon. I think. I can't tell! Your presence is far too intoxicating, naturally.' A wistful smile was sent in Jiraiya's direction – no one else could use smiles as a weapon like he did. Yet, still. He wouldn't press, for Jiraiya's sake.

'Also, we're ninjas. We can totally get that bucket over here with our ninja skills.'

Thunkthunkthunkthunkthunkthunk.

The sound of good alcohol dribbling out of what had been Minato's bucket but was now a bucket corpse riddled with kunai was easily drowned out by Jiraiya's cry of 'Oh no, we killed the bucket Kage!'

'You're an idiot, sensei.'

Minato kicked the bucket remains to the side and rolled them out of the spreading puddle.

'You're an idiot,' he repeated, and kissed Jiraiya very sweetly, his own tempered gentleness cut through with sharpness of the alcohol. Strange how that much alcohol was overpowering in someone else's mouth - but he never thought that kissing his lover was meant to be about them tasting good, it was about kissing them because you prefer that taste to any other taste in the world.

And he did.

'We were all really worried, you know. Not just me.'

Minato slumped over, planting his face onto Jiraiya's stomach, his breath sending tendrils of warmth rippling along Jiraiya's spine.

'Well, mainly me. Stay?' A very light, very quiet kiss against Jiraiya's skin.

Jiraiya curled his fingers through the golden tangle of hair in silent assent.

'What could possibly make me leave?'

And they stayed there, heartbeat after heartbeat, letting the world spin around them.

---

(The next morning, he woke up with the worst hangover ever, and on top of being naked and inexplicably half-covered in wrapping paper, was desperate for one thing, and one thing only.

'Minato?'

'If I move I'm going to throw up.'

'What did you get me for Christmas?'

'Porn. Go to sleep.')

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