Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story, I just use them to play out the weird fantasies in my head. D:
A/N: This fic is preseason 1, and preinfarction - before the House series started and before House's leg problem. Way before. Also, this is my first fanfic, so please be nice, and give me as much feedback as possible, even if you think this story completely sucks. Any advice/criticism is more than welcome.
House spotted the new resident from across the clinic. There was no mistake. He had walked into the clinic and was apparently looking for Cuddy's office, since that's what he had inquired about to the last three nurses he had passed, even though they had all pointed in the same direction. He was invariably headed that way, but it was taking him a while to get there, because even though that was definitely the direction to the office, he could never be too sure, and so every time he passed someone who looked like they might be employed by the hospital, (and House snickered as he saw the intern shyly asked someone, albeit dressed in a long white coat, who turned out to be a patient) where Dr. Cuddy's office might be located. So ... after three doctors, five nurses, and a disgruntled patient, this frightened new duckling made it to the double doors that presided over the front of Cuddy's dungeon. At least, that's how they seemed to House, and he figured that this new guy probably felt that way too by the way he looked at them in fear and hesitation. House watched the guy just stand there for a few minutes, not knowing what to do with himself, and decided maybe he should "help" the guy out.
House snuck up behind his first unsuspecting victim of the morning, "Excuse me, are you the new resident?" he asked innocently. The man jumped out of his skin, 'and possibly wet himself as well,' mused House with a tiny, almost unnoticeable grin starting to form.
"Yes, I am." replied the resident once he had calmed himself down a bit. "Are you Dr. Cuddy, by any chance?"
'He doesn't even know what Cuddy looks like?' House thought to himself, 'Or that Cuddy's female? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity I just can't afford to miss!' He checked to see if Cuddy was in her office or any where in sight or within ear shot of their conversation before he began his fun.
"Why, yes, I'm Dr. Cuddy. And you must be ... I'm sorry, I must've forgotten your name from your application. It was a very good application, by the way, very strong."
"Oh, yes, sorry. I should've introduced myself." The resident replied ('and with manners too?' House thought), "My name is James Wilson, Sir."
"Very good, then, umm ... Wilson. Please step into my office." Oh how House loved that phrase - so cliché, yet so satisfying just the same.
"Thank you, Sir." Wilson replied as he went through the open door House was holding open for him. He waited for House to enter the room behind him, then hesitantly stood by the door while House walked naturally around the room to seat himself in Cuddy's surprisingly comfortable chair and had to resist the urge to prop his feet up on her huge desk.
"Well, what are you waiting for? Sit down, sit down. We've got lots to cover before we can start off your first day here at Princeton Plainsboro." He booted up Cuddy's computer, waited for the log-in screen, and confidently typed in the password he always knew would work. 'Silly Cuddy... you think you'd change your password from "partypants" someday, but you never do. Lucky me.' House chuckled to himself. Once everything had finished opening up and the computer had quit processing and whirring menacingly at House, or perhaps just towards the room at large, he looked up in the employee database for this new 'Resident Wilson'. He was extremely surprised at Wilson's school history and medical experience. "So, you're interested in Oncology, huh?"
"That's right. Yes, Sir." Wilson replied.
"Would you mind sharing what makes it so interesting for you? Is it the threat of inevitable doom for the patients that excites you, or is it that those little bald kids are just too darn cute for words?"
House chuckled inwardly as he watched the new resident struggle with the question that he was obviously taking seriously. He watched the kid's mind seem to be turning its wheels as fast as it could to come up with an acceptable answer that would try to make him look good in front of who he thought was his new boss. 'Boy-Wonder Oncologist', House thought as he looked at the kid's records; it was quite impressive stuff, actually. Top of his class; never had to be reprimanded or relocated even once. He had only transferred here because the hospital he had been working at had been caught on fire and was going to be closed for at least a few months - especially the last few months that Wilson would have to spend as a resident before he became a full-fledged M.D. House pulled himself away from the computer screen and continued to watch his new puppet try to work things out. When he finally seemed to be about to say something to break the awkward silence, House interrupted him.
"Aw, come on. Don't be so tough on yourself; it was only a joke. If you're going to be taking everything that everyone says around here that seriously, then you're going to have a real problem my friend. You're the new guy, and everyone is definitely going to be out to get you." House stated matter-of-factly.
"Are you sure? ... uh-Sir." Wilson wondered innocently.
"Of course. You're the fresh meat around here, kiddo, and everyone's going to want a bite. People are going to be poking fun at you right and left, so you better watch yourself, or you and your pretty little head full of shiny, moussed-up hair are going to be in for some bad and miserable times. You have to learn how to joke along with them, and make them feel like you're worth accepting into the club." The kid seemed to be listening intently to every piece of bullshit advice that House was giving him. 'Oh, this is going to be more fun than I thought - and I'm just getting started...' House mused to himself. "So how do you like our facili--"
"HOUSE!!" raged and extremely angered, and definitely PMS-ing Cuddy as she walked into her office to see him playing with her new resident.
"Oh, Dr. Cuddy, what a pleasant surprise," grinned House. "So nice of you to stop by. Well, I was giving Wilson here a little pep talk before he started out his first day, but since you seem so eager to spend some quality time with him, I think I'll let you wrap things up here." He stood up swiftly and walked over to a befuddled Wilson. The oncologist just sat in his chair, not knowing what to do, while House shook his hand. "It was very nice meeting you, Wilson. I had been rather looking forward to giving you a tour of the place, but I suppose that's not going to happen today. I hope we can have another playdate some time soon." He seemed to become even more confused, if that was possible, when House winked at him just before letting go of his hand and then walking off.
"Now just a minute House. Don't think you're just going to leave me here with this poor young man and make me deal with the problems you caused." Dr. Cuddy jectured at House as she placed herself between him and his way out.
"Problems? What problems?" House asked, turning his head and looking around the room. "I see no problems here."
"Well, I suppose that's expected, seeing as how YOU would be the biggest problem in the hospital right now." Cuddy countered.
House was about to make a witty remark of some kind, when Wilson finally seemed to figure out what was going on. "Wai-wa-wait, so ... you're not Dr. Cuddy?" Wilson asked, pointing at House.
"No," answered the real Cuddy. "This ... this is Dr. House. I'm Dr. Cuddy." She walked over to where Wilson still sat, even more confused than before, and she shook his hand. "I'm sorry about this whole incident. I was late coming to work this morning, and I guess House decided to misbehave while I was gone. I would be thankful if you just forget everything he told you, because most of it's probably not true, and the rest was just poking fun at you. I really am sorry about all this."
"Good God, Cuddy! You've just barely met this guy, and you're already overcompensating for guilt? And he's just a resident! How are you going to be able to handle new department heads, or nurses, or even a new intern, for Christ's sake! Do you plan on sleeping with everyone in the building?" House said all this with as much flare as he could, his escape plan completely forgotten as he found a way to still mess with the new resident's head, and now possibly Cuddy's as well. Two for the price of one was a bargain he could not pass up, especially when the day was still young and he had a full tank of sarcasm just waiting to be released.
Cuddy shot him another one of her priceless glares. "House, this is not the time or the pla-"
"You alwa-"
"Not finished! This is not the time or the place to be ridiculing me or trying to make me look bad in front of a new resident. I would much appreciate it if you would just apologize to this young man, because I know you're certainly not going to apologize to me."
"Well, at least you're experienced enough not to expect a sorry from me. That's one thing. You do need some work, though, because you should know that I don't apologize to anyone, especially not the new guys or the lowly residents, and this one here just happens to qualify for both parties, so that's definitely not going to happen." House retorted.
"Whatever," Cuddy sighed, "just get out of my office and go take care of some patients. You've got two extra clinic hours this week."
"Harsh toke, dude.," was all House had to say in reply as he sauntered out of the office, to who knows where.