LondonUnderground
Beany
Disclaimer: Jono is the property of Marvel and the song belongs to Adam Kay and Suman Biswas.
A/N: I don't really write silly fics but when I get an idea in my head, it's hard to get rid of it until I write it down and share it with the world. Apologies for the crapness, it's a silly idea and was written like a million years ago (not that it would be that much better if I wrote it now).
Jono stood on the platform, his eyebrows drawn in a frown. The harsh biting winds were nipping his exposed flesh; what was left exposed of it. He was getting impatient. He needed to get to Cockfosters fast, he was already running late. God, how he hated public transportation! He had been waiting twenty minutes and still couldn't see any sign of the tube.
He looked around the platform as he heard the sound of music being played. His eyes found the source. A band of guys were huddled in a corner playing a rather upbeat tune.
His frown grew deeper. The melody was beginning to get on his nerves. 'Bloody buggers' he thought to himself 'Why don't they sod off?'. He was really getting agitated now. The train was late, it was cold, HE was cold…and wet and would probably smell like a dirty dog by the time he got to Cockfosters to meet his friend.
Another fifteen minutes later, his train arrived. He had to fight an old granny wearing what he could only describe as the battiest hat he had ever seen to get onto the train. The hat resembled the one the pope wore and had some tissue paper flowers stuck on to it, with what he could only pray was a fake squirrel and not a dead rat that looked like it had been run over.
The train was absolutely packed. All the seats were taken and people were squashed together. He wouldn't have minded if he was getting up close to some pretty girls. However, as luck would have it, he had a fat, hairy guy with curry breath who would let loose burps and farts at any time on his right and he had what he hoped was a really ugly blonde female with a moustache and slightly masculine build pinching his butt on his left.
The train started up and jerked everyone backwards, making Jono stumble into the oversized gorilla he had been standing next to. He quickly regained his posture and made a gesture that he hoped the gorilla would be able to comprehend as sorry, as he was unable to mumble an apology. To his shock and horror the guy gave him a once over, winked and continued to undress him with his eyes. Jono tried to back away from him as much as he could, only to back into wandering hands of the 'female' blonde. He jumped as she pinched his bottom rather hard. He rubbed his now slightly sore buttocks as he gave 'her' a warning glare; 'she' merely let out a deep chuckle and continued to eye her up. 'This is going to be a long ride' he thought as he let out a mental sigh.
As the carriage rocked from the movement of the train, Jono found himself mentally humming the tune that he had heard back at the platform. 'Dammit! Now I got that annoying tune stuck in my head!' The next fifteen minutes, Jono desperately tried to not hum that 'blasted melody' but to no avail.
He had just arrived at King's Cross station. He still had quite a while before he got to Cockfosters. He couldn't wait to get there so he could get off the tube. This journey was turning out to be as enjoying as a trip to hell would be. So far, he had fought a batty old woman to get onto a crowded train, been pinched numerous times by someone who he wouldn't admit was really a man, been given rather raunchy looks from a disgusting fat guy that was the size of a gorilla and had the face of a pittbull and had a kid drop his double chocolate ice cream on his brand new boots. Not to mention, he was both wet and cold and still had that annoying jingle in his head.
He continued to mentally hum the song for another ten minutes until he found himself coming up with lyrics to it. Soon enough, he had invented a 'masterpiece'. He continued to sing his creation as he passed the stations.
Some people might like to get a train to work So I'm standing here in the pouring rain, London Underground
Or drive in, in a Beamer or a Merc,
Some guys like to travel in by bus,
But I can't be bothered with the fuss today
I'm going to take my bike,
Coz once again the Tube's on strike.
The greedy bastards want extra pay,
For sitting on their arse all day,
Even though they earn 30K.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING TRAIN?
London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I want to shoot them all with a rifle.
He finally arrived at Cockfosters. The doors opened and Jono found himself being swept away by the masses of people coming out of the carriage. He safely managed it out onto the platform, only to trip over his own feet. He lay on the concrete in a disgruntled heap, the wind being knocked out of him. He heard a thundering roar; he glanced up from where he was on the floor to see a stampede of people about to descend upon him, like the wildebeests did in the Lion King.
Ten minutes later, Jono sat on a bench on the platform looking worse for wear. After being stabbed in the nuts by stilettos, having his head bashed in my boots and having the rest of him stepped on or kicked, Jono had managed to drag himself to safety. As he sat there, contemplating what he ever did to deserve such a horrendous day, he subconsciously found he had created another verse or so to his song.
All they say is "Please mind the doors", So don't tell me to "Mind the gap" London Underground LaLaLaLa The floors are sticky and the seats are damp,
and they learned that on the two day course,
This job could be done by a four year old.
They just leave us freezing in the cold.
What you smell is what you get
Burger King and piss and sweat
You roast to death in the boiling heat,
With tourists treading on your feet
And chewing gum on every seat.
I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY BACK!
London Underground
They're all lazy fucking useless cunts
London Underground
London Underground
They're all greedy cunts I want to shoot them all with a rifle.
LaLaLaLa.
Every platform has a fucking tramp,
But the drivers get the day off when we're all late for work again.
Battered and bruised, a now haggard looking Jono sat at the Café 100 where he was supposed to meet his friend Jimmy an hour or so ago. He had been waiting for the better part of forty minutes and still he could see no sign of Jimmy. He decided to call him and see what the hold up was; as he went to dial the number he noticed he had a text message.
Jono, dnt bother comin 2 the café, I have 2 work, the boss called me in the last minute. Sorry m8, mayB we can catch up another time.
Jono let loose a barrage of curses. He swore at the tube, he swore at Jimmy, he swore at Jimmy's boss, he swore at everything and anything. He then swore at himself for not having noticed he got a text message as he noticed that the time the message was sent was before he had even reached the tube station.
After he had run out of ammo, he headed back toward the tube station to get the train home. As he neared the entrance, flashbacks of the previous trip entered his mind. He shook his head, turned around and made his way back to the café to call himself a cab as he had no reception on his mobile phone. He had to be either A) stupid, B) a glutton for punishment or C) extremely unlucky to have to take the tube again.
London Underground Take your Oystercard, and shove it up your arsehole.
London Underground
Wa-Wa-Wankers , They're all Wankers ,
London Underground
London Underground.