"I can believe in my own abilities or choices of the companions I trust. But no one ever knows how it will turn out."
Captain Levi's words kept ringing on Eren's ears that very first night. The old castle that seemed so lively just the day before is now bereft with human presence. No noise, pots or pans clanging and the occasional cleaning noise.
It was a deafening silence… The coldness and the darkness that no amount of fire in the fireplace could definitely remove… The darkness seemed to have permeated his very core, his very being. He just had a very long day. He fought titans, almost got killed in the process and… his comrades died..
He should be sleeping. He was about to fall over any moment from exhaustion but he couldn't bring himself to sleep. Even if his life depends on it, he won't be able to sleep. Not tonight anyway, and he probably cannot sleep on the coming nights either.
As a soldier, Eren himself knows that this could be fatal. They could be fighting tomorrow or the day after and being unprepared could cost him his life.
Being killed, eh? But why does it matter if I get killed? I have always survived, time and again… Me, who is not afraid to die always survive… And I always failed to protect the people important to me. So why does it matter if I'm still alive? As if one day, I'll be the only one standing amongst the mountain of corpse. Alive but utterly alone…
Eren forced himself to lie down but he knows sleep wouldn't come. In this castle with only him and Levi is way too cold and empty and dark. Today, because of him the whole Special Operation Squad is totally wiped out, save Levi. And Eren knows, above anybody else that it was his fault.
"I can believe in my own abilities or choices of the companions I trust. But no one ever knows how it will turn out."
If only… If only I had made the right choice back then. Then Petra-san, Oluo-san, Eld-san and Gunther-san would be here in this old castle with the rest of the Survey Corps and celebrating our survival. But I made the wrong choice and they all died.
The next day, he tried to act as normal as possible even when he's sleep deprived. He got up early to do the routine of all the deceased squad members. He swept the yard, cleaned the castle, checked the horses and supplies and proceeded to make breakfast.
The rest of the surviving Survey Corps went to the capital with Erwin to give a report to the higher ups and the rest to replenish the supplies and equipments. Eren and Levi are the only ones left to this big and empty castle.
As per morning routine, Levi is sitting on the kitchen table and reading newspaper. While making breakfast, Eren also made a tea for Levi. It used to be Petra-san's duty, but he's the only one here now. He felt utterly and absolutely miserable, but he can't be moping around because Levi must've felt ten times worse. After all, he knew them longer.
The bond, the camaraderie and the trust is something that Eren could understand and he could only imagine Levi's grief on losing everybody all at once just like that when they survived countless battlegrounds before.
If only I wasn't there… They wouldn't be attacked specifically by the female titan for guarding me, they wouldn't have to be troubled and they would've survived… Most of all, they would be here right now.. Alive and laughing merrily like before.
Eren mindlessly put the tea he made in front of Levi and went back to cooking. In a similar fashion, Levi also mindlessly took a sip on the tea that Eren made and then immediately spit it, Eren heard the noise and went to Levi's side immediately. With dignity, Levi wiped his mouth and frowned. "Oi, Brat. If you're trying to kill me with poison it won't work.."
"Ehhh? I-I'm not trying to poison you Captain. I'm sorry I'll redo it immediately." Eren said, completely flustered. He doesn't know how to make tea. Petra is the one always making tea. Thinking about it brought his feelings on the dumps yet again. But he definitely doesn't want to show it to Levi. After all, Levi is the one who feel worse than him it was his subordinates after all. And yet he's showing a perfectly composed face and attitude. He ought to follow that example.
They ate silently. But the more Levi eats, the more his frown deepened. Eren knows that there is something wrong with the food. He isn't much of a cook either. It was always Petra-san doing those things and back home, it was always Mikasa. He sighed unconsciously and Levi stared at him.
There is nothing that they could talk about. Levi had always been aloof and reserved and they couldn't just start their conversation just because there's only the two two of them now. Besides, what are they going to talk about anyway? Comfort each other?
At the thought brought a wry smile on his face. But he knows more than anybody else that no amount of moping and wishful thinking could bring the dead back to life. The living had to cope with the grief, grit their teeth and be done with it.
We can never go back to those days again..
Two days later…
Sleep still wouldn't come for Eren. Although he tried to live as normal as possible by following the routine of the squad before, he still couldn't get over from the shock and the feeling of loss. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and couldn't think properly. His mind is becoming hazy by the day. He couldn't think straight.
As he washed the dishes that night, something that Oluo-san and Eld-san used o do. Captain Levi already turned in for the night and as always, he couldn't fathom what he could be thinking and he couldn't even read his expression. But instinctively he knows that Levi just doesn't want to show his weak side to him. Levi is even polite enough not to mention the growing eyebags on his eyes and the cooking that is turning more and more lethal by the day.
It was all the titans fault… If only titans do not exist…
If only titans do not exist..
Do not exist..
Eren hated the titans the most and he could find countless of reasons for it and justifications of why he made eradicating al of the titans as his lifelong goal. As long as he live, he would eradicate al titans. The titans that took everything away from him, his home, his family, his friends and all of humanity's freedom to walk this world.
Yes, if only titans do not exist…
Then suddenly, a realization hit Eren.. He stopped in the middle of washing the dishes and took a good look at his hands. The hands of a titan. Yes, he is one of them. He is a titan too. He was a kin of those who killed everyone..
Eren burst out laughing. He laughed maniacally. His voice echoing through the walls of that old castle made of stone. The empty, cold and dark castle bereft of human presence. In that moment, Eren felt being sucked in an empty darkness with nobody around. He could no longer see his surroundings. Just him in this empty abyss, alive but utterly and absolutely alone.
He kept on laughing, forgetting Levi's presence in the castle. He laughed and laughed until tears poured out of his eyes. In a moment of insanity, he grabbed the cutting knife in the sink and..
STAB…
STAB..
STAB..
STAB..
He kept on stabbing even when the sink and the floor is overflowing with his blood and al the while he didn't even stop laughing. Pain is now as foreign to him as human's touch. He doesn't feel anything anymore, he just kept on stabbing. His finger severed, bones broken and he couldn't lift his left arm anymore.
But he didn't stop. Eren kept laughing and proceeded to stabbing his thighs.. Again and again until he couldn't stand anymore and he sat on the floor in the pool of blood and gore. Then out of nowhere, Eren was kicked on the face and he lost his balance that made him completely lie down on the filthy puddle of blood on the floor.
Eren's head was spinning, his vision hazy. But he still did his best to look up. The furious Levi, hovering above him. He's livid with anger and shouting something he couldn't make sense of because his ears are ringing.
Levi grabbed his collar and shouted in front of his face. "HEY..! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME YOU DAMNED BRAT..! I WON'T LET YOU DIE ON ME..! NOT LIKE THIS..! THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING TO YOURSELF?! What are you going to say to others in your afterlife?! That you couldn't cope from the loss and ended up killing yourself?! Don't make me laugh brat. Don't make their sacrifices to be in vain. They wanted you to live..!" Levi tossed him on the ground.
Eren had never seen Levi this angry. For the first time, Eren saw just how much Levi is suffering and he instantly regretted what he just did to himself. He started crying. For the first time, Eren cried. He couldn't cry before, but now in front of Levi he's bawling his eyes out like a kid and Levi doesn't look so angry anymore and looked at him properly for the first time in days.
"But—But i-if it's like this, then—then I j-just lost my reason for living. Just why the hell I'm still alive Captain?! Tell me Captain, I already lost the people that I have to protect, so why am I still alive?! Do I even have the right to be alive?!..!" Eren pitifully look at Levi for answers.
Levi kicked his shin and grabbed his collar. Levi made Eren looked into his eyes and said "You are not alone. I'm still here. If you really need a reason to live, make me your reason.." Levi, out of the blue kissed him on the lips that made Eren immediately stopped crying and his mind suddenly turned blank.
By now, the healing process on his body is almost done and Eren is almost completely healed again, but he was suddenly assaulted by Levi's lips. He doesn't have any inkling on what to do, what to say or ask from Levi when their lips parted, Eren's face is beet red. "C-Captain?!"
Levi looked at his eyes seriously and said "If you really wanted a reason that badly, I'll give you one. You have to live for me Eren. This is an order from your superior. Live and be with me. You are absolutely not allowed to die before me. Got that?!" With a dangerous glint on his eyes Levi gave that order.
"Y-Yes Captain..!" Eren was startled by that order and out of reflex from the long military training he saluted. Levi chucked at that and said "Good. I won't forgive you if you die before me. Don't worry about me, I won't leave you like the rest. I am the humanity's strongest after all" Levi smiled at the irony of that title for it never mattered to him before but that very title that is meaningless to him gave some comfort to Eren.
"I… I will keep on living. So don't ever leave me Captain. I'm sick and tired of all the people important to me leaving. " Eren looked at Levi as if he was his savior. Levi reflexively opened his arms and welcomed Eren's warmth. Perhaps, he was the same as Eren.
Levi had been on a countless battlegrounds and the subordinates, friends and comrade dying is not something he can get used to, Perhaps he is just like Eren, trying to find a companion who wouldn't die before him. And now, only the two of them left. The thought made Levi leaned closer on Eren and kissed him again.
Eren also caught in the moment responded on Levi's kiss. Al his life he craved this comfort and human contact. And now in this moment, his lifelong wished is being fulfilled. Captain Levi is strong, he wouldn't die before him, Levi won't leave him alone again. He just needed to be with this person and nobody else. He will never be alone again.
As that thought comforted the both of them, they held each other.. Closer and closer, until they could hear each other's heartbeat, feel each other's skin. S they came closer to becoming one they feel comforted by the same thought..
"I will never be alone again.."
DISCLAIMERS:
I don't own SNK. Thanks for reading.. This is my first SNK fanfic(The one officially posted anyway) I might write a continuation if I got some reviews^_^
Please feel free to give your opinions and thoughts. Constructive criticisms are very much welcome. Again, Thank you very much for reading.