Even though I am in fact male, I've realized that I am very much like one Helga Pataki from the Hey Arnold series! In my outside life, there is not a single person I have ever opened myself up to. I put up the tough guy act much like Helga, and even my reasons for doing so are the same as hers as well. (If you've seen the psyciatrist episode, you'll know what I'm talking about!) But inside, I'm head over heels in love with a girl, who I obsess over every day! In fact, you could say that everything is backwards, in that the girl I'm in love with is very much so like Arnold. There's that innocense and kindness to her heart that she's very open about, and you don't see that often in people nowadays. With that said, I have wrote this story from Helga's view. Normally, writing feelings about boy would have been awkward for me, but every word I've written in here is in perspective to the girl I love. Please note that while the theme is Morality vs Love, my real life issue is much different, and lighter, then the one I present in the story. But this is to make things make more sense with the show!
I have let this girl see my true self online, but I am worried about finally meeting her, and opening up for the first time in my life! The following is my thoughts and expressions on that, thrown into the Hey Arnold universe for everyone's understandment! Enjoy!
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Go Fish
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How can I go on? How can I pretend like nothing has ever happened between us?
Sure, "There's plenty of fish in the sea," as they say, seemingly dramatized by their own words. But the more they speak, the more I find contradiction in their morals. Remember when you spoke words of quality over quantity? There truth is, that there could be millions of fish. But that wouldn't make this specific fish any less special...
It seems that it's impossible to be society's angel nowadays.
- - -
"Helga?"
That little punk! He was staring at me!
His whisper followed abruptly "Do you want to talk?" He did that little face that he does, where his eyebrows curl in the perfect direction, and his eyes shift to correspond with yours.
I was about to raise my fist, and make a snappy comment, but hesitated. There would be no point in making a scene. Not now. The class was pre-occupied with their work, and Mr. Simmons was probably off recycling paint cans or something. I looked around, pacing my movements before finally swapping desks with the kid sitting behind Arnold. Well, the kid who would have been sitting behind Arnold, had I not hucked a spitball in his eye in attempt to slay my emotionally detached football headed dragon.
"Yes.. Yes, I've been meaning to ask you about that.." I said, rubbing the outskirts of my arm, hoping he wouldn't notice how nervous I was.
He inverted his posture, and I was able to get a clear view of his eyes. They seemed more passionate then usual. (Did they ever not seem passionate?) But my attention quickly was grasped by his hand, which ironically, had grasped my own hand. I couldn't believe what was happening!
And rightfully so. Doy! None of that had actually even taken place. I slammed my head on my desk, regretting my own actions. In truth, (that silly thing that exists outside of my head) I had actually just pushed him aside like the little football head that he is, and retorted to him that I didn't need his sympathy. Good move Helga...
"Class! Class! We need to settle down!" Mr. Simmons interrupted, bursting through the classroom door, fly undone, toilet paper dragging along behind his shoe.
Harold, being the good guy that he was, took great liberty in alerting Mr. Simmons' misfortune to the class. "Looks like mommy forgot to pack his diapers!" he pointed, as he graced us all with his nasal laugh.
The entire class also burst into laughter, and I faked a chuckle myself. My mind was on other things. Like Arnold, the kid who sat at the front of the class, always listening.. Never doing anything wrong. Arnold. The kid who wasn't laughing. Why wasn't he laughing? Did he feel bad for Simmons..?
Crimedy
! He was so boring. Didn't he not know how to have any fun? Didn't he not know that it isn't healthy to be so perfect all the time? Perfect Arnold. Why was he so perfect!? I nearly fell out of my seat."You okay Helga?" I heard Phoebe's voice call.
"Fine Phoebes."
He didn't laugh
- - -
Helga G. Pataki. June 28th
The Boy Who Cried Alone
The solid boy takes no notice
Of the cluttered laughter
Which begs for his approval
His only influence is himself
And while the world throws bombs around him
He remains strong
Not trying to fight the bombs
But to find a way around them
His heart always manages to bring hope
To those who feel hopeless
- - -
Phoebe and I decided to stay confined to my room for this week's annual Ice Cream get together. The park was swamped with mud, and the insects were on parade all throughout the town. There wasn't much other choice.
"So did you ask him about it?" she immediately questioned. The girl didn't even let me find my seat.
"No! That's the thing Phoebes! He asked me!"
She squinted her eyes. "Ooh! I take it everything went well then?"
"Well, no.. I kind of.."
She tilted her head down in disappointment. "Not again Helga..."
"I couldn't help it! His funny little hat was all crooked, and his sleeves weren't tucked in properly, and.."
"Helga. You're making excuses!"
Ever since Arnold and Lila had started going out, I had been acting all strange around him. (Stranger then usual, anyways) I had been treating him much worse then he's ever been used to, so I guess I can't really blame the little guy for being curious about it.. Although, deep down, I couldn't help feel like he deserved to be treated that way. Does he even know how it feels to have your heart broken? Does he even know how he had taken away the one thing I've been working for, for so long, without a care in the world? I clutched my heart, and stared at the floor. I hate you Arnold! I want to scream!
THUD
"Yo Olga! Keep it down in there, will you?" Bob shouted, knocking on my door like a murderous madman.
His noise completely broke the decibel scale compared to the sound Phoebe and I had been making. If Arnold were here, maybe he'd make things better between me and my dad. He always had that certain charm to him. Sweet, loveable Arnold. What a guy! I hugged my pillow, and sighed. I wish I could show you just how much I love you Arnold... He tilted that handsome football head of his in confusion, and I couldn't help but stroke my fingers through his hair. His smile filled my heart with warmth, as I saw his approval of my affections. Looking into his eyes, I leaned in, and our lips met.
"Do you think he knows that you care about him?" Phoebe blurted out from out of nowhere.
AH! Was she still here!? I threw the saliva stained pillow to the ground, pretending nothing had happened, and that I was paying attention the entire time.
"Huh? Who?"
Or at least to the best of my abilities.
"Ice Cream!"
What the heck was she talking about? "You mean Arnold?"
"Well, I just though we had a code, and everything..."
"We don't need a code anymore Phoebes. To hell with the code."
"Forgetting..."
"What we need, is a plan." I struck my fist heroically on my palm.
"A plan? You're not going to try and break them up, are you?"
Wait...what was my plan again?
"Of course not Phoebes. I'm not that bad." It was hard to be so considerate and love struck at the same time. Did Arnold ever have to deal with this? With my emotions quickly tangling, I began to make up words, hoping that Phoebe would bring some sense into the manner. "Crem...Cremulatize, you know what I'm saying Phoebes?"
"I don't believe I'm familiar with this code Helga.."
I sat myself down on my bed. Who was I kidding? I was no hero. Lila had treated Arnold with a lot more care then I ever had. I deserved this completely.
"I don't think he knows.." I said, finally answering her question. "How can he know? He probably just wants to know what the cause of me bugging him so much is."
"Maybe you should tell him?"
Was she kidding? "Crimedy. You can't be serious Phoebes!" I hated that word. Crimedy. It was merely a bandage I used to cover up any sense of decency I may have accidentally exposed. And here I was, using it on Phoebe! My best friend. While it was true that she knew me better then anyone, there was still so much that I had hidden from her."
"If you told him, he'd probably understand."
"You don't get it Phoebe.." I said, refraining from using any nickname in effort to show my seriousness. "You know what they say, don't you? That there's nothing worse then having the person you lo-- care about, not even know you exist?" Did I say love? No. Not in front of her. I said care about.
"Yes? It's true, isn't it?"
I shook my head to signify a no. "To have the person that you care about, know that you care about them, and know who you are as a person, inside and out, deeply and emotionally... And still not return your feelings for them? That's the worst feeling in the world Phoebe..."
That was why Arnold could never know...
- - -
Helga G. Pataki, June 30thSomeone To Love
I've always wanted a family to love me
And have approval for who I was
Always inclined to believe
I had expectations to live up to
But I couldn't even live up to myself
If I put my faith in you, my love
Am I only setting myself up for disaster?
Will you catch me if I fall?
Why do I feel so alone
When my heart feels so full?
- - -
"Oh Arnold! You loveable football headed geek! Waiting out here by the bus stop completely deserted and alone, unaware that a girl who loves you more then anything is watching over you, holding you dear to her heart - - - Lila...?"
I closed my locket, and nailed Brainy in the face, moving closer for a better look.
"Oh Arnold. You mean ever so much to me. Of course I made it."
There she was again! Were the two ever apart?
"You mean a lot to me too Lila.. I don't think I've ever felt this way about someone before."
I closed my eyes. If I could have, I would have closed my ears as well.
"I want to spend more time with you Lila. I want you to assist me to The Summer Dream."
What a cornball. The Summer Dream? Wasn't that restaurant? Doy! Only the most romantic restaurant in town! He couldn't take her there!
"I'd love that ever so much Arnold."
Arnold nodded his head. "I figured we should spend at least one last romantic evening together before breaking up. You know how much Helga means to me."
That illusion didn't last long. I quickly snapped out of it, and returned to reality.
"So I'll pick you up around 6 o clock then?" Arnold was so passionate with his words. It didn't even matter what he said. I wanted to be the one hearing them more than anything...
"Hey Helga! Whatchu doin' hidin' behind that there mailbox!"
What? Was I dreaming again? Who said that?
"Why, if I's didn't know any better, I'd say you's been spyin' on Arnold and Lila!"
I quickly darted to my feet, swinging around, and bumped into Stinky in the process.
"Move it!" How long had he been there for?
"Helga? What are you doing there?" Arnold asked with a curious look, directing his full attention to me.
Oh nothing Arnold. I was just spying on you because I've been obsessed with you for the past few years, and I can't stop thinking about you. Nothing important.
"I was.. Well..I just overheard you and Lila talking about going on a date.." What!? No! Back out Pataki! Back out! "I was wondering if Stinky and I could join for a double!"
Doy!
Stinky pulled up his pants and did his best interpretation of a jig. "Gee Helga! I didn't know you was attracted to me!"
"That would be ever so romantic. Don't you think so Arnold?" Lila said, looking at her partner for approval.
"Yeah, I guess..." he said keeping his eyes on me. I could tell Arnold was suspicious. But when was he not? It's like he always knew. Like he could see right through me. Why was I doing this?
- - -
Helga G. Pataki, July 1st.Lies Based On A True Story
Our love is all justified
So they say
And though I do not wish to cause hurt
This chain reaction is fooling no one
Greed lusts it's head over mine
With this warm embrace of eternal
Taking others down with me.
In exchange for my morality
I give you my love
In exchange for your greed
I'll give you my own
- - -
The entrance was decorated with roses, each one staring at me as I pushed myself through the doors. If they could talk, they wouldn't have been so polite towards my selfishness. This was not the first restaurant experience I'd had with Arnold. It was not even the first time I had intruded on one of his dates. Intruded. It was such an ugly word. Yet here I was, intruding. How could an act of love be so wrong? I spotted Arnold near the back corner of the restaurant, almost completely hidden from view (was that intentional?), talking with Lila across from him. Across from him! With Stinky in my hand, I quickly darted across the room towards the boy I loved.
"Howdy Arnold!" Stinky said quickly grabbing the seat next to him.
No! I was supposed to sit there! I could feel my fist curling, trying to get Stinky to correct his mistake.
"Helga? You gonna sit down too?" Lila asked, giving me a smile, rubbing the seat beside her.
Unaware of the frown on my face, I took my seat, now at a complete diagonal across from Arnold. Anyone who's sat at a restaurant before knows that a diagonal is the farthest away from someone you can possibly be. Perhaps this was punishment for even coming here. The guilt on my shoulders began to get heavier.
"So how long have you and Stinky been an item Helga?" Lila asked me, smiling with her perfect teeth. It wasn't very often that she smiled mouth open; Perhaps just to mock me.
"Oh, you know. A week or so." Stinky and I had all our lines planned out ahead of time to make things as believable as possible.
"Yup. She be the purtiest gal I ever did beat." My hand hit my face in annoyance over Stinky's screw up. I could see Arnold glancing over through the corner of my eye.
"You mean 'meet,' Stinky?" He was in a bit of disbelief himself.
"That too Arnold. Wow, us fella's really gots a lot in common."
My arm found itself knocking the salt off the table in desperate attempt to distort the attention. "Ah! Help me clean this up Stinky?" I met him under the table, and proceeded things from there.
"Beat me!? They're going to think you're some kind of psycho! Do you know how desperate that makes me look?" I paused. But I was desperate.. I was using Stinky just to get to Arnold. And Arnold wasn't even single..
"Gee Helga. It's hard to remember all these gosh darn lines!"
"I only gave you one line!" I shouted, quickly covering my mouth in defense. Had Arnold heard? I returned to my seat, and glanced at him. No. He was too busy talking to Lila. That's all he ever did.
"It's warmer at the park though. And my friends would be there."
"That's ever so nice of you to consider your friends Arnold.. But I really think we need to spend more time alone."
"You're the one who agreed to let Helga and Stinky come along for this date Lila." Did he even realize I was listening?
"Oh Arnold. Let's not fight."
Their mouths moved closer, but I turned my head to avoid dealing with anything that might have happened.
"Lila, you can't just..."
"Oh! Our food is here! She smiled, and tied her bib that she had brought from home."
They had ordered before we even got there? I felt like some kind of tool. You didn't even wait for me Arnold?
"I'm just saying Lila. I don't see why you make such a big deal about me spending time with my friends, but when it's during a date, it's suddenly alright."
Lila gave a look of concern, like she was choking on her food. Perhaps both. "I just thought it'd make you be more open about kissing in public Arnold, if we had another couple to relate to. It's really no big deal and all.."
Arnold dropped his fork. "I don't kiss you enough in public?"
"Well, you don't do it how you do it when we're alone."
My eyebrow found itself raising.
"Why does it matter Lila? Do you think the waiter cares about how good of a kisser I am? Do you think any of the people eating here care?" There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
I quickly slid my napkin over the part of the menu which said "Best kisser wins free meal!", and then disposed of the breathing Brainy poking his head up from the seat behind me, who apparently cared an awful lot about the personal lives of others.
"Arnold, you're just being grumpy. Please eat you're food.. You're making a scene."
"I'm sorry Lila.. I just.."
How could she say such things? How could Arnold just take that? She was the one asking to be kissed just for the publicity, and she blames Arnold for making a scene?
"Don't let her control you like that!" Wait. Did I just say that out loud? No.. Then why was everyone looking at me?
"Excuse me Helga?" she asked, her sweet innocent eyes gushing into mine.
I looked away, pretending I hadn't said anything. "What?"
"Look Helga! This is really none of your business." Her eyes darkened. I could see a sense of anger in them. Proof that she was human, after all. "Did I ever intrude between you and Stinky's relationship?"
"I think we just need to calm down..." Arnold was always in control of every situation. You had to love him for that. Always the solver, and never the starter. I found myself listening, but Lila struggled to get past me, and out of her seat.
"Arnold, I'm ever so sorry that tonight had to be ruined." She threw down her bib, in attempt to show her anger. That was it? She was leaving just like that?
"Lila, I..."
She stormed out, leaving only the three of us at the table. The awkward silence lasted a few minutes before Stinky finally opened his mouth.
"Gee Helga, I'd love to stay but.. This really bites."
And then there were two. Arnold and I. Surely enough, it all seemed too good to be true. I pinched myself. I was dreaming again..
No..! Not this time. Arnold was right there, head down, looking for someone to hold him, to embrace him, and here I was, too stubborn to say a word.
"I.. really care about you Arnold."
That's what I wanted to say. I really did. Yet I couldn't even look him straight in the eyes. Arnold was now glancing over to the window, with a bored expression on his face. I shifted my focus to his hand, to see the movements he was making with his fingers. How much longer was he going to put up with me being so mute? I'd heard stories of people who'd cut themselves, so the physical pain would overlap their emotional pain. Is that what I was feeling right now? Emotional pain? I grabbed the nearest fork and studied it's structure. Definitely sharp enough to do some damage. Without question, I raised it, and jammed it down as hard as I possibly could. Bad move..
"I care!" I shouted, more of a cry of pain, then a confession. "I care about you!"
There was more so of a silence then I had expected. Had he heard? Why was he not looking? He hadn't even moved. I tried to pick at the blood forming on the top of my hand to look busy, but the pain pierced it's way through my arm, and into my head, telling my brain to leave it alone. Please say something Arnold! I heard the table bang from underneath. Was he getting up?
"I have to go. I'm sorry."
No..! Stay Arnold! I love you!
"Arnold.. I..." My tongue twisted in all directions at once, and I choked on my own words. "I... Please..."
Although I wasn't making any sense, my words came out like a cry for sympathy. A voice that I had not used very often. Nearly drowning myself in my own pathetic ness, I felt my cheeks turn bright red from the pressure of the love within myself. Please stay.. Please sit down.
Running through my mind, he followed my instructions. I don't know how he managed to find his way around in there, as I'm more than often lost myself. But he always did. Always.
"Is your hand alright?"
"My hand?" I looked down, and saw the blanket of blood which covered it so. My emotional release earlier had made me completely forget of the pain it was causing. Not wanting him to further the subject, I quickly hid it in embarrassment. "It's nothing."
"What did you want to talk about?"
I couldn't even look at him. Why was I so weak? I just wanted to face the boy I loved.
"Have you ever been too afraid to tell someone how much you cared about them?"
The words should have shot from my mouth, yet it was Arnold's who spoke them. Did he mean Lila? My love, what are you trying to tell me? Are you reaching out to me?
"I was just wondering."
It was at this moment that I realized that it was not just me who needed sympathy. Arnold was hurt as well. And I couldn't even be honest with him?
"This is all fake Arnold.." I bit my lip, at the confession.
I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to finish my sentence for me. I wanted him to tell me that he already knew everything, and that things were going to be okay from now on. But he just sat there, like I had said nothing at all.
"This date with Stinky. The way I present myself to you everyday. It's fake."
Why are you being so quiet?
"I.. don't want to hide myself from you anymore."
How could I say that? Interrupt me Arnold. Please don't make me do this.. I felt the ground beneath me change its pattern, and noticed that Arnold had returned completely to his seat. Did he care? I felt his hand upon the surface of my clean one, but I instinctively pulled away.
"I've been a strong admirer of you for a long time Arnold. And though I'm not the greatest person to you, or to others.."
I put my hand back on his.
"I regret doing it every single day. I just don't know who I can be anymore Arnold. The pain I've experienced through my family, and friends, and the lack of.. Love.."
Did I just use the L word in front of him? Please don't tell me I did..
"I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to have to hide myself from anyone! I want..."
Why were people staring? Was I talking too loud? Please Arnold! Stop me! Stop me from making this mistake! I could feel myself shaking, and goosebumps filled my entire body. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be at home was I was safe. Where no one can see me. Yet my mouth wouldn't stop moving.
"I want to be loved and cherished for who I am Arnold. I don't want to have to live up to this expectation anymore. I see something special in you! Something that nobody else has. And I feel like you're the only one who could find the best in me, even at the worst of times. Arnold.."
No! What if he doesn't care! What if everything goes wrong! My mind flashed with all the times I had spent with him. The times where I was able to be open with him, without him even knowing of my true desires, and how he could warm my heart every single time. And I would always tell myself that one day I'd reveal the truth to him, and he would love me in return. But is now the day? If he says no, all of our times together will go away. I won't be the Helga who hates him, and somehow awkwardly ends up doing weird things with him, anymore. I'll be the Helga who's some kind of crazy stalker and never leaves him alone! Or under the situation, would I just give up hope completely? If he says no, will I still...
"I.. Love you..."
Silence. Complete darkness. I did not care to look up now. It didn't matter. I shielded my eyes from him, hiding the tears that were forming. I didn't want him to see me like this. No Helga.. No more hiding. No more..
"I want... I really want you to love me too."
More silence. Had this effected him in the way it had me? Was he thinking about it? Should I go on? I felt his hand caressing my fingers softly. My love... He was still here for me. I saw his mouth move, but it was a minute before my ears interpreted his words.
"I always knew that there was more to you then you ever let me see. I knew that you had to be a good person deep down."
That was his voice! The boy I loved! Yes! I want to be with you forever!
"I can't believe you feel so highly of me. I'm honoured by it. Really Helga."
My heart changed tempo like a rainbow after a thunderstorm. He had acknowledged me.. As a good person! The real me! But why was he pausing for so long? Is something wrong?
"But Stinky was my friend. Why would you do that to him?"
...Arnold?
"If you don't want to be this mean person Helga, then why would you use Stinky, and try to get between me and Lila? You know how much my friends mean to me." Was he mad at me? Please no Arnold.. I didn't mean to.. He lifted his hand from mine.
"Helga, I don't.. I don't know about this."
I wasn't crying. Not now. Please god, not now.
"Lila and I would always fight because she didn't treat the bond I had with my friends seriously. I was going to break up with her after tonight, but I'd be a hypocrite if I were to go out with you afterwards. I can't do this."
My mind went crazy. I did it for you Arnold.. I'd do anything! I knew it was wrong, and I even knew that you wouldn't approve of it! But that's why I love you Arnold! I love you because you do care! Your love and respect for everyone in the world is amazing.. And I feel horrible about this! My love for you makes me do stupid things sometimes, and I know that's no excuse, but my mind goes crazy whenever I'm around you! If we were together, I wouldn't be so stupid.. I promise. Forgive me, please.. Read my mind Arnold. Just like you always do!
My tears flowed like raindrops, flooding away the blood which resided on my hand. It seems that ones emotional pain will always overpower the physical pain in the end. It was stupid of me to ever believe otherwise. Through my blurred vision, I managed to see him fake a smile towards me, and if my senses weren't distorted at the time, I would have heard his voice as he spoke.
"There are plenty of fish in the sea."
- - -
Thats it! Chapter two won't be written until after I meet with the girl I love. (insert some kind of happy face with a sweatdrop. Darn you fanfiction.net!) So we'll see what happens. Thanks for reading!