Disclaimer: All characters are the property of JKR; no copyright infringement is intended.
Story is the property of J.M. Craig, aka Katyrn Mandragora Kavendrile, and was written for entertainment purposes only.
Rating: SLASH RL/SS PG-13 for cussing, adult situations, and reference to abuse.
WORRY
by Katyrn Mandragora Kanvendrile
"What do you want, Lupin? I've no time for idle chatter of frivolous talk." The brooding shadow growled silkily from behind the fumes of a brewing potion.
Remus ran a hand through his slightly graying sandy locks letting a sly smile grace his features. He didn't think Severus would catch his approach; after all he had learned the silent steps of the wolf at a young age so could be deathly silent when need be. But the dark wizard surprised him with his abilities of detection and alertness.
Lupin's senses were abuzz with what information they were deriving from the room. Though the light was virtually non-existent, save for the fire heating the concoction, his eyes fixated on the tense form hunched over the iron cauldron, his nose took in the brewing potions' overtly sour essence that permeated the large space, his ears caught the barely audible hissing of the slowly boiled potion as well as the unmistakable whisper of words drifting from the Potion Master's lips in a near silent spell. Remus snaked a pink tongue across his lips in an attempt to steel himself for, what he'd come to expect from the taller man, an argument.
"Sorry to interrupt Severus," He began in his usual lighthearted manner, "but I was worried about you."
A small snort sounded from the cauldron. "What concern am I to you? As you can see I am quite busy and obviously fine. Now. Leave."
Remus ushered a sigh but did not move. "Severus, you didn't show up for lunch, nor breakfast, today and from what the house elves reported you neglected dinner last night as well. Albus is concerned as well as Poppy. She was hell bent on storming your dungeons when I convinced her I would come instead."
"My health is NOT a concern of yours, Lupin. Pompfrey should know, by now, that I have little need for her matronly tendencies. As for Dumbledore…I shall deal with him when need be." Though Snape's tirade started out rather venomously it ended in a tired growl.
"I believe I told you to leave." There was that bite again.
"You did but I'm not. You're just as human as the rest of us….er well most of us." He laughed at his slip up before adding in a gruffer tone, "You need to eat. You're going to drop from exhaustion at this rate. Especially without food!"
Severus spun so suddenly to face the werewolf that the air his robes produced caused the fire to extinguish. He leveled an angry scowl and punctuated each of his next few words. "GET. OUT. NOW"
"This is ridiculous Severus! You don't eat. Barely sleep! All you seem to do is skulk down here in your lab or roam the dungeons! Are you trying to kill yourself? 'Cause so far you are doing a grand job. Everyone is worried. No one sees you anymore. What's wrong?!" The words seem to explode from his mouth before he could stop himself, but it was all true.
The last Death Eater meeting, a few days prior, had left Snape in bad condition. Poppy had worked throughout the night and most the following day to heal each and every one of Severus' wounds. He was so deathly pale, so weak…she was afraid he would not make it. But the man proved her wrong, for he managed to disappear from the infirmary, give his report to the Headmaster, and get to his rooms before she even noticed that he was gone. Oh how she railed at his door trying to get him to let her check him over once more; telling him that he wasn't yet well enough to leave her care. But to no avail. He simply ignored her after firing off, back through the thick wood, that he was perfectly capable of looking after himself. After all…he was the Potion Master. Now other's shared her concern. Severus kept to himself more than usual and everyone was hard pressed to name the last they'd heard him say anything to them. He seemed to drop off into a void. It was true. Everyone was worried.
Movement caught Remus' attention; Snape had whirled back around to face the cooling potion. He watched as the man's long pale fingers gripped the lip of the cauldron tightly and the way his body tensed. It was as if he was fighting himself. Remus mused that Severus was attempting to calm himself, as if forcing back every sarcastic remark and biting comment that he could, and would, surely fire at him. His musing ended, however, when he caught the sound of a low hiss of pain ushering from the dark man's lips.
The cauldron! Remus was across the room in mere seconds and by Severus' side. He quickly jerked the man roughly away from the cauldron and guided him into a nearby chair.
"Merlin Severus! Sit still I'll get one of your pain potions and some salve for your hands….Why did you do that?!"
"The pain helps me clear my mind. It saved you from my cutting comments." Came the eerily calm reply.
That stopped the werewolf in his tracks. He turned himself fully, with his query in hand, and stared at him in shock. He took in how, truly, ill Snape looked. Long untamed and greasy hair hung limply around an all too pale face offsetting the dark shadows underneath his eyes. The red from the burn only caused to contrast just how deathly white the injured man was. As he focused he noted how thin he had become as well. Of course Severus had always been thin but now he looked like nothing but bones.
After calming his horrified nerves Remus approached quickly, kneeling beside him. "Drink this Sev…then I'll smooth this over your burns."
Snape numbly obeyed, drinking the foul potion down without so much as a grimace before turning his raw hands over to wait for the cooling salve. He seemed to be in a muted shock for he made no new efforts in speech as the salve was gently applied.
"Sev…Severus please. What's wrong? You're not acting like yourself…you're withdrawn, cold, and unapproachable," Remus began in a quiet voice once he wrapped the delicate hands he now held, "I mean more than usual. I've never seen you this…bad before. Please…"
When Remus looked up he was startled to find tired obsidian eyes peering back at him. He took a moment to steady himself but did not look away.
"What's happened to make you act this way?"
"What do you care?" Came a weak snarl. "Can't you lot just leave me be? This isn't anything unusual for me after a meeting with the Dark Lord. This. Is. Normal."
"No Severus, this is not normal. Something is wrong and you refuse to talk with anyone. We're your friends. Even if you do not consider us to be." He added quickly before Severus could retort. "Please, talk to me. I want to know how I can help you. I don't like seeing you like this."
It was Severus who looked away then. His normal mask of cool indifference flickered with confusing emotions that flooded his face before he could reign them in again. He scrunched his eyes closed and brought his hands to cover his face.
"Why do you refuse to leave me be? Can you not see I do not WANT company, that I prefer to deal with this on my own…ALONE. Please just leave me alone, Remus."
Remus' jaw dropped open in shock. Severus just used his fist name. Something was seriously wrong and for some reason his heart ached because of it. No…he knew why it hurt him so badly. He recovered quickly. With a flick of his wrist he charmed the laboratory door closed, with another flick he set an eavesdropping charm around the room before his warm hands came to rest over the slightly chilled ones covering Severus' face.
"No." He whispered. "I will not leave you alone to deal with this, whatever it may be. Severus…you've been alone too long, too use to it. You need someone to talk to. Someone to listen to you. Please, can't you see how this is affecting you? Look," He asked as he guided the pale hands away from his face, "you're trembling. Now tell me this is normal."
Long moments ticked by before either moved. Both intent not to waver but in the end, Severus finally hunched forward with a strangled sigh. Remus quickly rose to meet him in an enveloping hug. He knew that his friend was silently crying, holding back the sobs that threatened to erupt from his trembling form and he was determined to let him know that he was there to support him. He knew he wouldn't be able to sit like this for too long so he sank back to the floor, on to his bottom, and pulled Severus into his lap. He fought the weak protests and held all the tighter until he was sure that Severus wouldn't try to get away.
Soon he relaxed his grip on the man and let one of his hands slip to Snape's head, guiding it to his shoulder as his fingers gently stroked the dark strands. He felt the man in his lap tense but he didn't remove the caressing hand, merely whispered words of reassurance and comfort. Remus's heart almost leapt from his chest when the tension seemed to seep from the bundle in his lap. Though he made no comment aloud he let a small smile creep across his features.
He didn't know how long they sat like that before he found his voice again. "Severus. Please….please tell me what's wrong."
Another long moment passed before a shaky sigh fled from pale lips. "I…can't. No, Remus, I just can not tell you."
"Sev. It hurts me to watch you right now. You're hurting and won't let yourself be helped. Please, I only want to help, only want you to get better." His voice cracked slightly at the end but right now he didn't care. Severus was in pain and in turn so was he. It honestly hurt him, more than he care to admit aloud, to see the Potion Master like this. Someone that had always seemed so strong, so put together, now to seem so lost and broken. It took all his resolve not to…No…I will not think that. I have to help Severus now. Please, Merlin let him let me..
"I will never rightly understand why I choose to take the Dark Mark." Severus began so quietly that Remus nearly missed that the other man was speaking but with a squeeze of his arms he let him know that he was listening and was there for support. "True I wanted the power and respect I was never afforded, but I wanted knowledge as well. Oh I gained respect for my skills in brewing potions, power came with that respect and the knowledge I gained from both….it was like a dream. But with all things, it came with a price. One so high I was unable to pay." A slight shudder racked the thin body before the words flowed again.
"The Dark Lord is a brilliant man, truly insane in his desires but brilliant none the less. He knew how to manipulate the young mind, implant his ideas as if they were your own inside one's head….but it proved useless with me. I was seduced by what he offered but quickly learned that it was nothing but lies and empty promises. I spent the better part of my early months with the Death Eaters as an example maker for him. The guinea pig, if you will, for his torture methods. He needed to teach me my place that I somehow had forgotten after my disenchantment." His soft laugh ushered forward. "That is where I honed my resistance to pain, strengthened my resolve. It was a battle of wills and I was not about to let him win mine."
"Weeks went by before he finally knew I would never be broken that way. But he let me live. I was useful after all. He tested my loyalty to the breaking point with demands for potions, the constant unforgivables cast upon me, and the subtle reminders that I was forever his, branded by the Dark Mark. It was soon after that I went to Albus. I couldn't take it any longer. I had willing gone to the dark side in my thirst for knowledge and power but it wasn't worth it. I fully expected Dumbledore to turn me over to the Dementors after I confessed everything to him. It's what I wanted; to be locked away in Azkaban for all the sins I had committed, the knowledge I gained, everything."
A fresh wave of tears streamed down the gaunt face and soaked into the brown cloth of Remus' robes. The werewolf knew how much this was taking out of the thinner man, how weak he was but he held him closer still to his body hoping that his warmth and understanding would seep into the weaker form. Severus was hurting and Remus was hell bent on relieving some of the pain in any way he could.
"The Headmaster listened to my confession then looked at me. His eyes pierced through my very soul…and it scared me to see the forgiveness held within those blue optics. Really scared me… To know that he forgave me for everything…all I had done! He hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder all the while apologizing for letting me slip into darkness. I didn't know what I had expected from him but it surely was not an apology for something I had done…..We spent hours in each other's company, holed up in his office. When I left I was a spy for the Order and had a position at the school. He was determined to keep an eye on me and by my staying at the school…." He sighed again at the memory. "It was the best way to keep me safe in both aspects."
"Years of being a spy, Remus, YEARS of torture, mania, and death. I've spent my entire adult life living a lie trying to survive; trying to save what little sanity I have left. My efforts may have, and still do, kept numerous people alive but it just isn't enough. It never is enough. More die by Riddle's insanity. I'm never able to save everyone or I'll be found a spy and then no one will be spared. If I am killed the Order looses the only source into the Dark Lord's plans so I keep going…..but now."
Severus froze, it was so hard to breath as his mind raced with the reasons he had refused to eat meals or sleep. The nightmares…..oh the nightmares alone kept him away from everyone. His body began to tremble again, unable to repress the feelings those memories dredged up. But he felt Remus' arms tighten around him pressing him firmly against his chest. The unspoken reassurance and calm that were being washed over him by that action helped push back the emotions, ever so slightly. It helped him go on. He needed someone to know if only to….he just needed something.
"Riddle has always been a cruel man. He thrives on causing pain and suffering, a true sadist. His use of the unforgivables against his followers is proof enough of that. But the curses are not the only things that are unforgivable. His perverse sadistic nature has lead him to new heights in his tortures….none more prevalent than his fascination with…." His heart raced…he was sure he wasn't going to be able to say it. He couldn't get his vocal cords to work with his mouth…everything seemed to be caught in his throat. But then again…he didn't have to.
"Rape." Remus finished for him.
The werewolf's body grew slack when understanding slapped him in the face. Voldemort reveled in extreme tortures, as proof shown whenever Severus came back riddled with curses, barely alive. But that now seemed only the tip of things. How truly sick and twisted the man had become! Or had he always been like this? Then another realization slammed into Remus' thoughts. Had Severus just….did he just admit that….NO!
"He…you were." He stumbled weakly at first before taking a breath to calm his own shaking nerves. "He's raped you. Severus…he…please I. Oh gods Severus!" His resolve broke. He gathered the fragile man as close to his body as he could, wrapping his arms around the thin waist. His cheek came to rest atop the raven strands letting his own tears crash into the mane. His heart was breaking.
He could never have imagined this. Never! Severus was so strong, so well kept. The man never let anyone come near him, never allowed anyone to touch him. Always so careful to keep everyone at a distance. And now…he had pushed everyone so far away that he was willing to fall apart alone. To carry this burden by himself. It made Remus cry all the harder.
"How could I have let this happen to you?" Remus cried softly.
Severus' eyes snapped to attention. Did he just hear right? Did Lupin just….what in the nine hells?! "You didn't let this happen to me. I let it happen to me. Riddle did this to me. You couldn't have stopped him; you've no control over that demon. It was my fault. I should have seen this coming the signs were all there. He needed something new to entertain his sadistic mind. He was no longer satisfied with torturing just the muggles….this was naturally the next step. I should have seen it coming and prepared."
He was shut up by Remus pulling his face roughly up, by his chin, to stare into his amber eyes. Both their faces were red and slick from crying but those amber eyes held so many more emotions besides hurt and despair. Anger, understanding, and love poured out of those piercing orbs, the last of which shocked him into stillness.
Remus' voice was shaky but held some force. "Severus, this in NO way was, nor is, your fault. You couldn't have known that madman would do anything that…this…vile to his own followers. You can't blame yourself for what happened…it wasn't your fault. Do you understand?" When no answer came he tugged gently on the captured chin in his grasp and asked again. "Do you understand, Sev…?" He was rewarded by an ever so small nod.
"It was never your fault for any of it. Voldemort is a twisted man that will do anything for his own sick pleasure. Torturing his followers with the unforgivable curses repeatedly and now subjecting them to this degradation. Oh gods Sev…..I can't let you go back. Not now, not after this. I…just can't."
"Lupin." A breathless whisper escaped Snape's trembling mouth. He pulled his face away from the warm fingers. He was so confused and hurt, Merlin! "I…have to go back. You don't understand….the Order"
"Will have to stand being in the dark again, damn it!" The werewolf exclaimed in an angry roar while reclaiming his tight hug around the thin waist. "I won't stand by and watch you go back to that man. You don't deserve this, no one does! Albus won't let you return either….not knowing what Riddle is doing to you! You WON'T go back, I will NOT let you, can NOT let you. Not this time or ever again."
"I…what! What do you mean you can not let me?!" Snape asked in a rush of new found strength. He pushed against Lupin's chest with his bandaged hands to look, fully, into his face and nearly dropped it just as quickly. But Lupin caught his chin once again and lowered his soft lips onto his mouth in a deep kiss.
When he pulled away he quickly regretted his actions. "Merlin! I'm sorry Severus. Oh gods, I didn't…no I meant to but…..I'm so sorry." He was so ashamed of himself. How could he have done that?! The man was still reeling over his abuse and…. And he kissed him. How stupid of you, Lupin! What a jerk you turned out to be.
"…it's….alright, Remus. You…er…thank you." Severus' cheeks flushed slightly as he looked away in embarrassment.
"Erm…you're welcome." Remus stuttered out after a moment of shock. A smile crept to his lips as he tilted his head off to the side to marvel at the contrasting color on Snape's pale skin. "You know….you look good with some color in your cheeks."
He threw his head back in a heartfelt laugh at the pointed glare the thinner man threw at him. "Gods Sev. It was a compliment."
"Shut. Up." This caused another laugh from the werewolf in which another glare was shot…and slightly redder cheeks. "You're impossible!"
"Yep….feel better?"
A small smirk flittered across the Potion Master's lips. "Slightly….tha…thank you."
"See there. Not so hard to do you know. You're welcome. Always."
THE END
or is it the beginning?
Story is the property of J.M. Craig, aka Katyrn Mandragora Kavendrile, and was written for entertainment purposes only.
Rating: SLASH RL/SS PG-13 for cussing, adult situations, and reference to abuse.
by Katyrn Mandragora Kanvendrile
"What do you want, Lupin? I've no time for idle chatter of frivolous talk." The brooding shadow growled silkily from behind the fumes of a brewing potion.
Remus ran a hand through his slightly graying sandy locks letting a sly smile grace his features. He didn't think Severus would catch his approach; after all he had learned the silent steps of the wolf at a young age so could be deathly silent when need be. But the dark wizard surprised him with his abilities of detection and alertness.
Lupin's senses were abuzz with what information they were deriving from the room. Though the light was virtually non-existent, save for the fire heating the concoction, his eyes fixated on the tense form hunched over the iron cauldron, his nose took in the brewing potions' overtly sour essence that permeated the large space, his ears caught the barely audible hissing of the slowly boiled potion as well as the unmistakable whisper of words drifting from the Potion Master's lips in a near silent spell. Remus snaked a pink tongue across his lips in an attempt to steel himself for, what he'd come to expect from the taller man, an argument.
"Sorry to interrupt Severus," He began in his usual lighthearted manner, "but I was worried about you."
A small snort sounded from the cauldron. "What concern am I to you? As you can see I am quite busy and obviously fine. Now. Leave."
Remus ushered a sigh but did not move. "Severus, you didn't show up for lunch, nor breakfast, today and from what the house elves reported you neglected dinner last night as well. Albus is concerned as well as Poppy. She was hell bent on storming your dungeons when I convinced her I would come instead."
"My health is NOT a concern of yours, Lupin. Pompfrey should know, by now, that I have little need for her matronly tendencies. As for Dumbledore…I shall deal with him when need be." Though Snape's tirade started out rather venomously it ended in a tired growl.
"I believe I told you to leave." There was that bite again.
"You did but I'm not. You're just as human as the rest of us….er well most of us." He laughed at his slip up before adding in a gruffer tone, "You need to eat. You're going to drop from exhaustion at this rate. Especially without food!"
Severus spun so suddenly to face the werewolf that the air his robes produced caused the fire to extinguish. He leveled an angry scowl and punctuated each of his next few words. "GET. OUT. NOW"
"This is ridiculous Severus! You don't eat. Barely sleep! All you seem to do is skulk down here in your lab or roam the dungeons! Are you trying to kill yourself? 'Cause so far you are doing a grand job. Everyone is worried. No one sees you anymore. What's wrong?!" The words seem to explode from his mouth before he could stop himself, but it was all true.
The last Death Eater meeting, a few days prior, had left Snape in bad condition. Poppy had worked throughout the night and most the following day to heal each and every one of Severus' wounds. He was so deathly pale, so weak…she was afraid he would not make it. But the man proved her wrong, for he managed to disappear from the infirmary, give his report to the Headmaster, and get to his rooms before she even noticed that he was gone. Oh how she railed at his door trying to get him to let her check him over once more; telling him that he wasn't yet well enough to leave her care. But to no avail. He simply ignored her after firing off, back through the thick wood, that he was perfectly capable of looking after himself. After all…he was the Potion Master. Now other's shared her concern. Severus kept to himself more than usual and everyone was hard pressed to name the last they'd heard him say anything to them. He seemed to drop off into a void. It was true. Everyone was worried.
Movement caught Remus' attention; Snape had whirled back around to face the cooling potion. He watched as the man's long pale fingers gripped the lip of the cauldron tightly and the way his body tensed. It was as if he was fighting himself. Remus mused that Severus was attempting to calm himself, as if forcing back every sarcastic remark and biting comment that he could, and would, surely fire at him. His musing ended, however, when he caught the sound of a low hiss of pain ushering from the dark man's lips.
The cauldron! Remus was across the room in mere seconds and by Severus' side. He quickly jerked the man roughly away from the cauldron and guided him into a nearby chair.
"Merlin Severus! Sit still I'll get one of your pain potions and some salve for your hands….Why did you do that?!"
"The pain helps me clear my mind. It saved you from my cutting comments." Came the eerily calm reply.
That stopped the werewolf in his tracks. He turned himself fully, with his query in hand, and stared at him in shock. He took in how, truly, ill Snape looked. Long untamed and greasy hair hung limply around an all too pale face offsetting the dark shadows underneath his eyes. The red from the burn only caused to contrast just how deathly white the injured man was. As he focused he noted how thin he had become as well. Of course Severus had always been thin but now he looked like nothing but bones.
After calming his horrified nerves Remus approached quickly, kneeling beside him. "Drink this Sev…then I'll smooth this over your burns."
Snape numbly obeyed, drinking the foul potion down without so much as a grimace before turning his raw hands over to wait for the cooling salve. He seemed to be in a muted shock for he made no new efforts in speech as the salve was gently applied.
"Sev…Severus please. What's wrong? You're not acting like yourself…you're withdrawn, cold, and unapproachable," Remus began in a quiet voice once he wrapped the delicate hands he now held, "I mean more than usual. I've never seen you this…bad before. Please…"
When Remus looked up he was startled to find tired obsidian eyes peering back at him. He took a moment to steady himself but did not look away.
"What's happened to make you act this way?"
"What do you care?" Came a weak snarl. "Can't you lot just leave me be? This isn't anything unusual for me after a meeting with the Dark Lord. This. Is. Normal."
"No Severus, this is not normal. Something is wrong and you refuse to talk with anyone. We're your friends. Even if you do not consider us to be." He added quickly before Severus could retort. "Please, talk to me. I want to know how I can help you. I don't like seeing you like this."
It was Severus who looked away then. His normal mask of cool indifference flickered with confusing emotions that flooded his face before he could reign them in again. He scrunched his eyes closed and brought his hands to cover his face.
"Why do you refuse to leave me be? Can you not see I do not WANT company, that I prefer to deal with this on my own…ALONE. Please just leave me alone, Remus."
Remus' jaw dropped open in shock. Severus just used his fist name. Something was seriously wrong and for some reason his heart ached because of it. No…he knew why it hurt him so badly. He recovered quickly. With a flick of his wrist he charmed the laboratory door closed, with another flick he set an eavesdropping charm around the room before his warm hands came to rest over the slightly chilled ones covering Severus' face.
"No." He whispered. "I will not leave you alone to deal with this, whatever it may be. Severus…you've been alone too long, too use to it. You need someone to talk to. Someone to listen to you. Please, can't you see how this is affecting you? Look," He asked as he guided the pale hands away from his face, "you're trembling. Now tell me this is normal."
Long moments ticked by before either moved. Both intent not to waver but in the end, Severus finally hunched forward with a strangled sigh. Remus quickly rose to meet him in an enveloping hug. He knew that his friend was silently crying, holding back the sobs that threatened to erupt from his trembling form and he was determined to let him know that he was there to support him. He knew he wouldn't be able to sit like this for too long so he sank back to the floor, on to his bottom, and pulled Severus into his lap. He fought the weak protests and held all the tighter until he was sure that Severus wouldn't try to get away.
Soon he relaxed his grip on the man and let one of his hands slip to Snape's head, guiding it to his shoulder as his fingers gently stroked the dark strands. He felt the man in his lap tense but he didn't remove the caressing hand, merely whispered words of reassurance and comfort. Remus's heart almost leapt from his chest when the tension seemed to seep from the bundle in his lap. Though he made no comment aloud he let a small smile creep across his features.
He didn't know how long they sat like that before he found his voice again. "Severus. Please….please tell me what's wrong."
Another long moment passed before a shaky sigh fled from pale lips. "I…can't. No, Remus, I just can not tell you."
"Sev. It hurts me to watch you right now. You're hurting and won't let yourself be helped. Please, I only want to help, only want you to get better." His voice cracked slightly at the end but right now he didn't care. Severus was in pain and in turn so was he. It honestly hurt him, more than he care to admit aloud, to see the Potion Master like this. Someone that had always seemed so strong, so put together, now to seem so lost and broken. It took all his resolve not to…No…I will not think that. I have to help Severus now. Please, Merlin let him let me..
"I will never rightly understand why I choose to take the Dark Mark." Severus began so quietly that Remus nearly missed that the other man was speaking but with a squeeze of his arms he let him know that he was listening and was there for support. "True I wanted the power and respect I was never afforded, but I wanted knowledge as well. Oh I gained respect for my skills in brewing potions, power came with that respect and the knowledge I gained from both….it was like a dream. But with all things, it came with a price. One so high I was unable to pay." A slight shudder racked the thin body before the words flowed again.
"The Dark Lord is a brilliant man, truly insane in his desires but brilliant none the less. He knew how to manipulate the young mind, implant his ideas as if they were your own inside one's head….but it proved useless with me. I was seduced by what he offered but quickly learned that it was nothing but lies and empty promises. I spent the better part of my early months with the Death Eaters as an example maker for him. The guinea pig, if you will, for his torture methods. He needed to teach me my place that I somehow had forgotten after my disenchantment." His soft laugh ushered forward. "That is where I honed my resistance to pain, strengthened my resolve. It was a battle of wills and I was not about to let him win mine."
"Weeks went by before he finally knew I would never be broken that way. But he let me live. I was useful after all. He tested my loyalty to the breaking point with demands for potions, the constant unforgivables cast upon me, and the subtle reminders that I was forever his, branded by the Dark Mark. It was soon after that I went to Albus. I couldn't take it any longer. I had willing gone to the dark side in my thirst for knowledge and power but it wasn't worth it. I fully expected Dumbledore to turn me over to the Dementors after I confessed everything to him. It's what I wanted; to be locked away in Azkaban for all the sins I had committed, the knowledge I gained, everything."
A fresh wave of tears streamed down the gaunt face and soaked into the brown cloth of Remus' robes. The werewolf knew how much this was taking out of the thinner man, how weak he was but he held him closer still to his body hoping that his warmth and understanding would seep into the weaker form. Severus was hurting and Remus was hell bent on relieving some of the pain in any way he could.
"The Headmaster listened to my confession then looked at me. His eyes pierced through my very soul…and it scared me to see the forgiveness held within those blue optics. Really scared me… To know that he forgave me for everything…all I had done! He hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder all the while apologizing for letting me slip into darkness. I didn't know what I had expected from him but it surely was not an apology for something I had done…..We spent hours in each other's company, holed up in his office. When I left I was a spy for the Order and had a position at the school. He was determined to keep an eye on me and by my staying at the school…." He sighed again at the memory. "It was the best way to keep me safe in both aspects."
"Years of being a spy, Remus, YEARS of torture, mania, and death. I've spent my entire adult life living a lie trying to survive; trying to save what little sanity I have left. My efforts may have, and still do, kept numerous people alive but it just isn't enough. It never is enough. More die by Riddle's insanity. I'm never able to save everyone or I'll be found a spy and then no one will be spared. If I am killed the Order looses the only source into the Dark Lord's plans so I keep going…..but now."
Severus froze, it was so hard to breath as his mind raced with the reasons he had refused to eat meals or sleep. The nightmares…..oh the nightmares alone kept him away from everyone. His body began to tremble again, unable to repress the feelings those memories dredged up. But he felt Remus' arms tighten around him pressing him firmly against his chest. The unspoken reassurance and calm that were being washed over him by that action helped push back the emotions, ever so slightly. It helped him go on. He needed someone to know if only to….he just needed something.
"Riddle has always been a cruel man. He thrives on causing pain and suffering, a true sadist. His use of the unforgivables against his followers is proof enough of that. But the curses are not the only things that are unforgivable. His perverse sadistic nature has lead him to new heights in his tortures….none more prevalent than his fascination with…." His heart raced…he was sure he wasn't going to be able to say it. He couldn't get his vocal cords to work with his mouth…everything seemed to be caught in his throat. But then again…he didn't have to.
"Rape." Remus finished for him.
The werewolf's body grew slack when understanding slapped him in the face. Voldemort reveled in extreme tortures, as proof shown whenever Severus came back riddled with curses, barely alive. But that now seemed only the tip of things. How truly sick and twisted the man had become! Or had he always been like this? Then another realization slammed into Remus' thoughts. Had Severus just….did he just admit that….NO!
"He…you were." He stumbled weakly at first before taking a breath to calm his own shaking nerves. "He's raped you. Severus…he…please I. Oh gods Severus!" His resolve broke. He gathered the fragile man as close to his body as he could, wrapping his arms around the thin waist. His cheek came to rest atop the raven strands letting his own tears crash into the mane. His heart was breaking.
He could never have imagined this. Never! Severus was so strong, so well kept. The man never let anyone come near him, never allowed anyone to touch him. Always so careful to keep everyone at a distance. And now…he had pushed everyone so far away that he was willing to fall apart alone. To carry this burden by himself. It made Remus cry all the harder.
"How could I have let this happen to you?" Remus cried softly.
Severus' eyes snapped to attention. Did he just hear right? Did Lupin just….what in the nine hells?! "You didn't let this happen to me. I let it happen to me. Riddle did this to me. You couldn't have stopped him; you've no control over that demon. It was my fault. I should have seen this coming the signs were all there. He needed something new to entertain his sadistic mind. He was no longer satisfied with torturing just the muggles….this was naturally the next step. I should have seen it coming and prepared."
He was shut up by Remus pulling his face roughly up, by his chin, to stare into his amber eyes. Both their faces were red and slick from crying but those amber eyes held so many more emotions besides hurt and despair. Anger, understanding, and love poured out of those piercing orbs, the last of which shocked him into stillness.
Remus' voice was shaky but held some force. "Severus, this in NO way was, nor is, your fault. You couldn't have known that madman would do anything that…this…vile to his own followers. You can't blame yourself for what happened…it wasn't your fault. Do you understand?" When no answer came he tugged gently on the captured chin in his grasp and asked again. "Do you understand, Sev…?" He was rewarded by an ever so small nod.
"It was never your fault for any of it. Voldemort is a twisted man that will do anything for his own sick pleasure. Torturing his followers with the unforgivable curses repeatedly and now subjecting them to this degradation. Oh gods Sev…..I can't let you go back. Not now, not after this. I…just can't."
"Lupin." A breathless whisper escaped Snape's trembling mouth. He pulled his face away from the warm fingers. He was so confused and hurt, Merlin! "I…have to go back. You don't understand….the Order"
"Will have to stand being in the dark again, damn it!" The werewolf exclaimed in an angry roar while reclaiming his tight hug around the thin waist. "I won't stand by and watch you go back to that man. You don't deserve this, no one does! Albus won't let you return either….not knowing what Riddle is doing to you! You WON'T go back, I will NOT let you, can NOT let you. Not this time or ever again."
"I…what! What do you mean you can not let me?!" Snape asked in a rush of new found strength. He pushed against Lupin's chest with his bandaged hands to look, fully, into his face and nearly dropped it just as quickly. But Lupin caught his chin once again and lowered his soft lips onto his mouth in a deep kiss.
When he pulled away he quickly regretted his actions. "Merlin! I'm sorry Severus. Oh gods, I didn't…no I meant to but…..I'm so sorry." He was so ashamed of himself. How could he have done that?! The man was still reeling over his abuse and…. And he kissed him. How stupid of you, Lupin! What a jerk you turned out to be.
"…it's….alright, Remus. You…er…thank you." Severus' cheeks flushed slightly as he looked away in embarrassment.
"Erm…you're welcome." Remus stuttered out after a moment of shock. A smile crept to his lips as he tilted his head off to the side to marvel at the contrasting color on Snape's pale skin. "You know….you look good with some color in your cheeks."
He threw his head back in a heartfelt laugh at the pointed glare the thinner man threw at him. "Gods Sev. It was a compliment."
"Shut. Up." This caused another laugh from the werewolf in which another glare was shot…and slightly redder cheeks. "You're impossible!"
"Yep….feel better?"
A small smirk flittered across the Potion Master's lips. "Slightly….tha…thank you."
"See there. Not so hard to do you know. You're welcome. Always."
or is it the beginning?