A/N: A HUGE thanks to Alf (Lisa) and Mud for amazing editing and tolerating my incessant whining. xx
xx not mine, not making any money xx
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Staked-Out: Upping the Ante
. . . .
I examined the contents of my duffle bag with a critical eye and then zipped it up. That little nagging voice in my head telling me that I'd forgotten something was more annoying than my mother's. I screwed up my face in concentration, tapping a finger against my pursed lips as I mentally ticked off all of the essential items. Nope, nothing came to mind. I shrugged my shoulders and finished getting ready.
In the bedroom, I got my Docs out of the closet, unlacing them as I walked over to the bed to sit on the edge. I was putting on the second boot when I heard the locks on my door tumble. Lester. I grinned.
"Hey Sexy, I'm in here." I used my best breathy, sex kitten voice. "I'm all ready for you Stud Muffin. And Les…what I have planned for us today is going to be sooo good. I'm going to blow your mind." Giggling at my witty repartee, I sauntered into the living room with a little extra swing in my step. Shit.
"Um…Yo?" I said as a nervous high-pitched titter escaped my lips. Ranger's penetrating stare left no question in my mind he expected an explanation.
"I thought you were Lester," I said in my defense.
"Apparently." Almost as an afterthought he said, "Plans changed." Oook-ay there Mr. Loquacious, Mr. Talkative, Mr. Wordy-Word Guy, Mr. … Damn, I couldn't think of any more, words that meant 'verbose'. I grabbed my RangeMan jacket off of one of the kitchen chairs and headed for the door.
"I guess we should get going, huh? I'm ready. I couldn't be more ready. I've even memorized the file. Perp, Guido De Santi, aka the 'Sanitizer', which I gotta tell ya by the way, is one dumb-ass street name. I mean really…who wants an alias that sounds like a toilet bowl cleaner." I shook my hands in an 'I'm so scared' motion. "Oooh, I bet toilet bowls across Trenton are flushed with terror at the mere mention of his name." I snickered at my own joke. Ranger's expression remained unchanged. "Well, that joke tanked." I snickered again and looked at him. Nothing. I guess he didn't appreciate toilet humour.
"Sooo anyway…Guido De Santi, age twenty-three, high school drop-out, was arrested for armed robbery at the Liberty Liquor Store on Parkway Avenue, where he got away with one hundred and fifty dollars in cash and one bottle of Scotch. He was picked up by police thirty minutes later at his residence, which authorities ascertained from his driver's license left behind at the scene of the crime. The store clerk obtained said license after insisting Guido show proof he was over the age of twenty-one before allowing him to steal the Scotch. Yep, there's a village out there somewhere looking for their idiot. He's probably out trying to scare the crap out of people." I gave another nervous laugh. Oh God, someone shoot me please! I knew I was blathering on with a serious case of verbal diarrhea but I couldn't seem to stop myself. I clapped my hand over my mouth afraid of what might come out next. It wasn't my fault! The mere presence of Ranger made my palms sweat, my heart pound, my hormones reach terminal velocity and apparently disconnected my mouth from my higher brain functions.
I drew up my wrist in an exaggerated gesture. "Oh, would you look at the time! I don't want to be late for our shift. My boss might have a word with me…two words if he's really pissed." I shot Ranger a cheeky smile.
Ranger reached for my duffle bag. Biting my lower lip, I suppressed an 'Ohhh Baby' as I watched him bend over to pick it up, giving me a most excellent view of his backside. Da-mn, that man had a de-licious ass! I mentally snap my fingers in a "Z". Mmmm mmm, mm. Oh yeah, what you have here is one very fi-ine, 100 percent, Extra Lean, Grade A, Cuban rump roast that I could just sink my teeth into and take a bite out of. Grrrrr—His head whipped around.
Frick! I could feel my face heating up and I imagined that a perfectly lovely shade of crimson was creeping up my chest, to my neck and spreading across my face in either embarrassment or a sex flush. Probably both.
"Huh. I guess the chances that I didn't say that out loud aren't good, eh?"
"Babe."
"Uh…just so I know how embarrassed I should be, was the finger snapping in my head or did I really do that as well?" He lifted the corners of his lips.
A groan escaped as I leaned into the door of my apartment, banging my forehead against it repeatedly. I stopped in mid bang.
"The growl?" I squeezed my eyes almost shut, already bemoaning his response. He gave a playful bite into the air and shook his head like a dog with a pull toy. Double frick. I resumed banging my head as he chuckled. Jerk.
. . . .
We drove in silence which suited me just fine. I figured a little quiet time was definitely a good way to significantly lower the chances of me coming down with 'Footius inserta inus Mouthus'. Latin, according to Stephanie Plum. Okay, it wasn't really Latin. The only thing I actually remembered from Grade Ten Latin was 'Joyce, vos vacca foedae' which translated into 'Joyce, you stupid cow'. Hehe…Mary Lou and I still crack up over that one.
I stared out the window watching the scenery rush by as I tried to ignore an overwhelming desire to jump the console and ravage the man who was the subject of most battles between my head and my nether region. The only reason I agreed to help out with stake-outs and distraction jobs was because skip tracing had become pretty scarce at Vinnie's. My aversion to living under the Warren Street Bridge was the deciding factor in agreeing to work on a part-time basis at RangeMan. I knew Joe would blow a gasket and quite frankly I didn't think my hormones could stand large doses of Ranger but Rex needed hamster pellets and living in a cardboard refrigerator box under an overpass was strangely unappealing. Besides, where would I keep all of my shoes?
Joe and I were in an on-again phase in our roller coaster relationship…barely. I had my suspicions that he was letting his 'boys' play in other sandboxes though I never caught him on a play date. Joe knew how I felt about sharing my toys. We might have been 'together' but I really questioned if we had a future. I mean you would think after fifteen books I would have some idea of what or who I really wanted. Maybe that was my problem. I already knew what I wanted…I snuck a wistful glance at Ranger wishing that he did relationships.
After twenty minutes we pulled in front of a nondescript row house on Henderson Street. Guido's parents' house. Yep Mr. 'Criminal Mastermind' lived in his mommy and daddy's basement. Ranger flashed his lights at the SUV parked a few houses up the street. I watched the truck drive away and decided to settle in. Releasing my seat belt I reached down to depress a lever which allowed me to push my seat back as far as it would go. Ranger grabbed our duffle bags from the back seat. He began taking out all of the necessary equipment for a stake-out from his bag and I mirrored his actions.
Flashlight. Tastykakes. He looked at me shaking his head. High power binoculars. Crunch n' Munch. I shot him an innocent smile accompanied by the slightest shrug of my shoulders. Log book and pen. Portable DVD player. Stun gun. Cans of soda. I laid out my supplies covering most available surfaces and then pulled out a small inflatable pillow and began to blow it up.
I could feel his eyes on me. Ha, I wasn't stupid. I wasn't going to look. I completed a test run from my seat, ensuring that everything I needed was within arm's reach. Satisfied, I opened the box of Crunch n' Munch and took a handful of the toffee covered popcorn treat. I tipped the box towards Ranger. "Want some?" He answered with the slightest shake of his head.
"Babe, what exactly goes on when you and Lester are on a stake-out?"
"I'll have you know Ranger, we are total professionals and I really don't like the implication behind your question." I blew an errant curl out of my eyes. "Krimpet?" I took a pastry from the box and held it up to him. He shook his head again so I took a bite as I put my feet up on the dashboard and snuggled back against my little pillow.
"You know Ranger, you should make these pillows standard equipment for stake-outs…and electric blankets that could plug into the power outlets would be nice."
I was encouraged by his silence which I translated as, 'Wow, she's smart, got real business savvy, is sexy as hell…and doesn't need to lose those last pesky 10 pounds'.
"Yeah, I have loads of ideas that could really help your business run more efficiently." I popped the tab on a can of soda and took a sip. "I was reading this article in Time Magazine at Mr. Alexander's and it said that boredom and monotony are side effects of repetitious work and can adversely affect job performance. See they're whatcha call 'stressors' that can make people less effective at the workplace. So I figure by keeping the troops entertained, they're going to do their jobs better, right? Makes ya stop and think don't it?" I tapped my finger against the side of my head. "I've got tons of ways to make stake-outs more enjoyable." He narrowed his eyes at me.
Uh-oh, I recognized that look and decided that maybe my ideas could wait for another time…when we weren't alone…in a confined space…and it would probably be best if he wasn't armed. Probably now wasn't the most opportune time to mention the 'Suggestion Box' I put in the Break Room at RangeMan, either.
Feeling the need to prove I could be professional, I took his binoculars and began scanning the house in question, searching for signs of activity. Nothing. My vigilance lasted ten minutes and then my mind started to wander. This is so borr-ring. Ba, ba, ba, ba, boring. I wish I was snor-ing. Getting a tooth pulled would be more allur-ing. Morelli better not be off whor-ing. Who is Eva Gabor-ing? I wish they would get new episodes of 24-ing. Ranger is ignor-ing.
The sound of a car pulling up behind us yanked me from my study of rhyme. Hey, I never said I was Keats.
Ranger was on high alert. He reached behind his back and withdrew his 44, clicking off the safety. There was a knock on the driver's side window. Ranger signaled me to get down on the floor of the truck as he lowered his window an inch. Noon, Right on time. I reached into my pants pocket and pulled out a twenty.
"Large, pepperoni with extra cheese?" said the unfamiliar voice.
"Yep, thanks." I licked my lips and leaned over Ranger's lap pressing his window down all the way. "Keep the change." I grabbed the pizza box and savoured the heavenly aroma of fresh, out of the oven pizza that filled the truck. I could feel the still warm pizza through the box as I balanced it on my leg, opening the lid.
"Ahhhhhh!" I couldn't contain my delight as I grabbed a slice and took a bite. "Mmmmm, Ranger this heaven. Do you wanna piece?" When he didn't respond I looked over at him. He seemed flummoxed. Yep, if I had to choose a word to describe his expression, that would be my word.
Ranger clutched the steering wheel and a small muscle in his jaw twitched ever so slightly. "Babe, does this go on every time you go on a stake-out?"
"God no, Ranger…of course not!" He let out the slightest relieved breath.
"Yeah, usually I play chess when I'm with Tank and we order Thai. Bobby likes to play Word Whomp and we have Chinese. Hal? Well he's got
simple tastes…he like Swiss Chalet and Crazy Eights." He raised an eyebrow.
"I know! Seriously, who plays Crazy Eights anymore?" I gave him a 'go figure' look.
"Babe, you're corrupting my men. I'm losing control here."
"Hey, now just a minute. There's no rule about food on a stake out and what's wrong with a few creature comforts."
Ranger closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath. "What's going on with you and Lester?" His voice sounded strained. "I thought you were with Morelli." I turned in my seat to face Ranger but his gaze remained fixed ahead on the house we were watching. Huh, if I didn't know better, I would have said that Ranger was…jealous?…annoyed?...confused?...all of the above? Nah.
"Lester and I are just friends."
Ranger opened his mouth to say something and then changed his mind. He opened his mouth again but then snapped it shut.
"Babe." He looked pained as he turned to look at me. "You said you were going to and I quote, 'blow his mind'." Hehe, Ranger actually made the little air quotes when he said that. What I wouldn't pay to get that on video to show at the next RangeMan Christmas Party. I rolled my eyes as I reached into the duffle bag pulling out a large bag of gum balls. I shook the bag in the air.
"It was my turn to choose the activity, so I thought Les and I could have a bubble gum blowing contest. It was just a joke. Geesh!" Ranger's body seemed to relax slightly and he appeared…relieved? Okay, now what the hell was up with THAT…Mr. 'I Just Wanna Be Friends'?
"Ranger, are you…jealous?" Oh, I was so not going to let him get out of answering this one!
Suddenly Ranger straightened, pulling out his phone and brought it to his ear. "Guido's on the move. Send back-up. I'm going after him."
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no! You can't leave now. We were having a 'moment' here, God damn it!" I flopped back into my seat not even bothering to mask my frustration at Ranger's uncanny 'avoidance' karma.
"Babe, stay here and keep the truck locked. De Santi may be a dumb fuck but a moron with a gun can be very dangerous." Ranger leaned over and placed a soft kiss on my forehead before grabbing the stun gun and sprinting from the SUV. I watched him disappear behind the back of the house.
. . . .
The wait was killing me. I couldn't see anything. The clock on the dash registered only five minutes had passed, but I was sure it was broken. It felt like hours since I watched Ranger follow Guido behind the houses. I heard a gunshot in the distance that made me jump out of my seat. I could feel a tightening in my chest as I waited to see something…anything. God I hoped Ranger was okay! He could be in an alley bleeding to death right now. Fuck! Where the hell were Tank and the guys? If anything happened to that stubborn Cuban…
My eyes darted in every direction, afraid I would miss something. That's when I saw him.
In the distance I could see Guido racing down the street heading straight towards the SUV, but Ranger was nowhere in sight. Oh God…what should I do? I looked in my duffle bag for my gun. That's what I forgot to pack! Bullets would have been helpful too, now that I think about it. A stun gun could've come in handy in a pinch. I was frantic as I searched the SUV looking for some way to slow Guido down until Ranger or the guys got here. Think. THINK! My mind was whirling. I did not want this ass-wipe to get away.
Maybe…just maybe… but it needed to be timed perfectly. Grabbing the bag I wanted, I moved into the driver's seat and lowered the window. Wait for it. Just as Guido was almost upon the truck I threw on the high beams and dumped the bag of gum balls all over the road. I watched Guido throw his arms up to shield his eyes. A gun was visible in his right hand.
Guido stumbled right into the path of the gum balls that were scattered on the asphalt. He lost his footing and flipped up into the air, landing with a thud onto his back, the wind knocked out of him. I grabbed the DVD player and a can of soda. Shaking the can furiously, I threw open the door and jumped out of the truck. Confident the can of pop had reached maximum fizziness, I aimed it at Guido and let the soda explode in his face. As he writhed on the road cursing and screeching I thunked him on the head with the DVD player, knocking him out cold. Rolling him onto his stomach, I used the DVD cord to tie his hands behind his back.
Holy Improvisation Batman! I looked down, hands on my hips, with a certain amount of pride in my handiwork. Well I'll be damned! I took Guido's gun and stuffed it in the back of my pants. I kicked him hard, glad I'd decided to wear my steel-toed Docs. I figured an eye for an eye right? He made me waste my gum balls so a kick to his balls only seemed fitting. I plopped down on top of him giving him the full benefit of my weight, including those extra ten pounds. I just hoped for his sake that Ranger was okay.
Two RangeMan vehicles squealed onto the street, pulling up beside me. Tank, Hal, Cal and Bobby bolted out of their vehicles with guns drawn.
"Thank God you're here. There was a gun shot. Ranger…" My voice trailed off unable to finish the sentence. I clenched my fingers to stop my hands from shaking.
At the sound of running, I turned and saw Ranger come up behind me. I scrambled to my feet and rushed to meet him. Throwing my arms around him I kissed him soundly on the lips.
"I was so scared something happened to you!" With the lightest touch, I ran my hands over his arms and chest feeling for any signs of injury…bullet holes…blood. When I was sure he was unharmed, I blew out a long breath and laid my head against his chest. I smiled as I listened to his steady heart beat and breathed in his 'Rangerness'. I felt his strong arms wrap around me in a comforting hug, reassuring me that he was alive and well.
"Proud of you, Babe." Ranger gave me a small smile as he pulled back and surveyed the scene with an expression that was something akin to disbelief mixed with pride. "What the hell did you do to him?"
He gazed down into my eyes and gave me one of his panty-melting, 'toothpaste commercial-worthy' smiles that always made my stomach flutter and my heart sigh. Reaching his hand down and entwined his fingers in mine, he led me to the SUV, leaving the guys to take care of Guido.
"Come on MacGyver, I'll take you home and you can tell me all about it."
"See now Ranger I'm glad you mentioned that. I've been thinking that MacGyver episodes would make great RangeMan training videos—"
The End