Author's note : I must be quite crazy as this story is an OC, not the PC. This OC is not even the priestess or a girl from the future.. I feel that to a certain extent, Nozomi and the other PC in the games actually has quite a character of her own, which is why I feel that I rather use an OC instead of a PC.

But I haven't played Haruka 3, I've only played Harkua 2. But due to seeing the OVA I got really curious about Benkei's character and I really wanted to know why he joined the Heiki family. So I went to read reviews and comments about the game, and eventually found someone who was kind enough to give a plot summary.

This story is an internal monologue by Benkei and it is a bit obscure, but it involves an OC.

The flowers that I am throwing into the lake are all your favourite flowers, are they not? I am only throwing flowers that you like, there are no hydrangeas there. Do you think my preference of the flower is a coincidence?

They are the same flowers that I used to give you whenever I sneak into your room or secretly met you in the garden. I like to believe that you did not lie when you told me that you liked them more then your new jewelleries.

Do you still remember how you used to say that they were the keys to your room, so I have to bring them when I come to see you? I can still see your smile when you received these flowers and hold them against your kimono- which are now patterned with flowers.

I often think of our very first meeting, when you were dressed in a plain kimono with your only accessory being a simple hair ribbon. But even then you were very beautiful.

Then they dressed you in fine kimono and used gold and silver to decorate you. You might not have grow up with these items but you were more beautiful then any of the other ladies.

The illegitimate daughter that suddenly turned up will not have a very high position in the house, but it is still higher then mine. Yet you did not forget me- is it because you noticed that I never once turned my gaze away from you since the moment you entered?

I told you from the very start, didn't I? I am a very unworthy man as all that I have done is to cause misery onto everyone. I shouldn't even have been born.

People whisper about my past as they tried to guess why I suddenly leave the Heiki family and worked for the Genji family. Is it because I am a rapist like my birth father? Was I escaping because I violated one of the daughters of the house? Or did I indulge in a game that went too far because my victim believed that I truly loved her and so wanted to marry me? Was I kicked out of the house for having played with her heart?

The few people who think otherwise are probably my brother and nephew along with Kuro, the few people who are still wiling to think well of me despite the fact that I went to work in the Genji family and continued to work there.

"After all," I have heard many people say, "if he really loved her then he would not remain in the Genji family since they were responsible for her death. He must just have been playing around."

The ironic thing is, Kaen, that they are more accurate then they think. I am responsible for your death not just because my absence caused you to leave the safety of your homes and be caught by the Genji family.

You and I both know why you died, it wasn't because you turned ill due to being a prisoner. The poison was forced into your mouth by my kiss, and you had no way to spit it out.

But Kaen, you still don't know the real reason do you?

You refuse to listen to me though; you refused to listen at that time as well.

I didn't want you to suffer, Kaen. I snuck into their camp the moment I heard about your capture but I couldn't think of a way to save you. In the end, the only thing I could do was to prevent you from being violated even further. I have heard what they planned to do to you and I can not allow that to happen.

But I must have a talent for making things end up much worse as you died hating me. After all, isn't this why you are here? Why I have to be your murderer a second time.

My actions are a mockery because you are still in this world. If I turn around then I can hand these flowers to you, but I don't think you will accept them.

I am not overly fond of Kumano, to tell the truth. I would have died here a few moments after my birth if the one who should have wanted me to die the most didn't interfere. Not only did my life begin as a contradiction- when a man who was meant to renounce worldly desires took a woman by force, it also continues due to a contradiction. (1)

My childhood was not very happy either, my mother ended up being very good at ignoring me completely, while her husband saw his single act of kindness as being enough.

I think it is too.

Yet it was not a completely grim childhood as my brother was very kind to me, and I am still very happy at his love for me. But this sole solace was quickly torn away from me because my sister-in-law's family refused to have me in the same house as their precious daughter.

Why do I keep on getting compared to a man that I hate?

Then I became a monk, and as I have told you, I was a very bad one. Picking fights and drinking all the time. I would probably have been kicked out if I didn't quit myself.

Yes, it was also because I slept with some women. I thought I was good at concealing stuff until you said that there is more to the story. Do you remember how you made me swear that I would never do such a thing again, that I would be loyal to you forever?

Well, I have kept my promise. I sometimes flirt and laugh with other girls, including the priestess, but that is only to prevent people from working out the truth. I can't let them know what I really feel.

I think all along I secretly desired to be of some use to the world, to be able to help someone. That is why I become a kusushi. (2)

Yet this is how I ended up hurting all these people.

But I have another reason to dislike Kumano after your death. I arrived in Kumano alone when you should have been beside me.

You are different from me, Kaen and the problem is that we couldn't understand one another's point. Was fate doing me a favour or cursing me when it let you enter my room and find me packing?

You wanted to come with me because you love me so much, but that is why I couldn't let you come with me.

"I can not make you happy, Kaen." I told you truthfully, gently pushing you back in order to stop you kissing me. If you kissed me one more time then I might really be intoxicated enough to take you with me.

"Benkei… don't you love me?" out of all the things you've said to me, that had hurt the most.

"Of course I do." You didn't believe me then, and I feel that you still don't believe me. But I really was not lying.

"Then why do you wish to leave me?"

You began to cry and I realised that I really am not good at dealing with tears. Have I ever been good at doing so? I always seem to try to distract you from crying by doing physical things like kissing your tears away or giving you suffocating embraces.

But I couldn't do it then.

I almost gave in, but then I remember that I am a sinner and such a man deserves no happiness. I had just destroyed the guardian of our world and therefore doomed the whole country into this chaos. How dare I be happy?

Most of all, how dare I let you be the wife of such a man?

That is why I was so obedient to your father's order of leaving. It wasn't because I am afraid, but because I thought that this was the best thing for you- to be rid of me and therefore forget about me.

I should have realised that because you are different from me, you will react in a different way. You are not afraid to chase after me because you refused to just sit back and accept what happened to you. Is that why you are here beside me again?

Oh, I know that you are also capable of wanting revenge and doing what you need to get it. After all, isn't that why you are pulled back into this world?

I am sorry but you cannot be the one who kill me, it must be Nozomi and it must only be done at that time. But don't worry, it won't be long.

The time has come, Kaen, for this whole mess to end. Nozomi will be able to stop what I had caused to happen. She will create the future after she helps me to see the end of what I did. (3)

Yes, I spun more lies in order to let this end. Do you remember how I once found you trying to make a handkerchief for me? You actually wanted to stitch the hydrangea on. I remember how you had a bundle of thread at your feet and you told me that instead of trying to untangle a knot, you just pulled on the string, causing the whole thing to get tangled up even more.

I had to lie in order to correct my mistake but one lie promoted another. I ended up spinning a web that is a mess. A web that I can no longer untangle.

Now I am the very worst type of men- a traitor to both the woman I love as well as the man who trusted me as a brother.

Why…why do you appear so sad? This is no more then what I deserve. No, this is already more then what I deserve because you are beside me although you still refuse to talk to me.

I don't care what people will say of me as long as I achieve my goals. Besides, I don't deserve forgiveness when I am the one who caused the people to have all these suffering in the first place.

Most of all…what I did to you…

Sometimes I think I am punished not for the actual result, but for my arrogance. Arrogance in thinking that I could stop the curse myself, arrogance at thinking that I can decide what is the best for everyone, arrogance in thinking that I was right while you were wrong.

We were like Nozomi once; we believed that we can have happiness just because we desired it. We thought that we could marry and live happily together just because we loved each other.

We'll have to seek for happiness in the next life, Kaen.

(1) The real Benkei has many stories around his birth and many say that he is the product of rape, even though the Benkei in the game seem to be legitimate. But for the purpose of this story I want to use this idea.

(2) Just in case- Kusushi is the word they used to describe Benkei's job, it's an archaic word for doctor.

(3) This is a reference to one of his character songs.

Author's note: the story is actually quite crazy. It started of as a third person narrative that focused on Beneki, but then I changed it to a first person narrative as I thought that is much more suitable. However, near the end it became a first person internal monologue. I then decided that this form is the most suitable.

I feel that the story is quite obscure so what happened in a nutshell is this: Benkei was working as the doctor/herbalist of the Heiki family and soon after his arrival, Kaen arrived. Kaen is the illegitimate daughter of one of the Heiki family, although I never said who her father is. But she was sent to the household in the hope of being able to make a good marriage due to being acknowledge by her father .

She and Benkei become lovers but then the black dragon incident happened. After he caused the black dragon to disappear, Benkei actually planed to run away. However, Ken came and he told her that he can't make her happy, so she shouldn't follow him.

But she chased after him and ended up being captured by the Genji clan, and he decided to kill her because he doesn't want her to be raped and tourtured, which was what the soldiers planned to do to her. I actually don't see this bit as OOC because I feel that he is someone who is capable of making such a decision. His decision in regard to the fire-attack in chapter 3 seems to indicate this.

But due to this, she becomes a onryuu.

In the beginning, when he is throwing flowers, she is actually paying him a visit but later on, she will end up staying with him- probably after his betrayal. Benkei will still offer Nozomi to Kiyomori and then make Nozomi purify him when Kiyormi possessed his body, Kaen will then die with him.