A/N: So my friend and I were sitting around watching old episodes of The Office this afternoon and we decided it would be a great idea to compile a giant list of the funniest quotes from the show. Then, realizing that the list would be GINORMOUS, we changed it to "things we've learned by watching the office". And this is what we came up with. Also, I don't know if this has been done before. If it has, I'm sorry. But either way, we had a fun time making this. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: We own nothing. All we did was take quotes and reword them to bit to makes lessons out of them.
131 Things We've Learned by Watching The Office
1. It's TOTALLY okay to put co-workers' supplies in Jell-O
2. Bubble Wrap makes for a good cast
3. The school of hard knocks is better than business school
4. Money isn't the key to happiness. Joy is the key to happiness
5. You don't learn how to operate a toaster oven in business school
6. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens
7. 15 bottles of vodka is definitely enough to get 20 people drunk
8. When jumping off buildings onto a moon bounce, try to land like an 8 year-old
9. You can get shunned for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna
10. "D" stands for Andy.
11. When buying a celebrity sex tape online, beware of pop-ups
12. The answer to everything is, "Absolutely, I do!"
13. A hero kills people
14. Martin Luther King Jr. IS a race
15. When using photos for a presentation, Tom Hanks in "Big" can relate to anything
16. You don't call them "collared" people. That's offensive
17. A uterus is different from a vagina
18. 3 people don't die from rabies every year. 4 people die from rabies every year.
19. Do not bring "The Da Vinci Code" to a desert island. It will only keep you warm for 7 seconds
20. Do not eat a plate of spaghetti alfredo before a 5k run
21. Band-aids are not enough to prevent nipple chaffing
23. It's acceptable to say "TMI" but not "don't go there". That's lame
24. AIDS tests require 6 hours of paperwork
25. When the ice melts…it's like a second drink
26. You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.
27. Teenagers like to use beet farms for sex
28. When signing up for an online dating service, it's a good idea to have a user name "littlekidlover" so they'll know exactly where your priorities are
29. Lebron James, Kobe Bryant and Tracy McGrady did not attend business school.
30. Purple belts are not toys
31. Search and replace doesn't work on misspelled words
32. Fitness orbs have numerous health benefits including: strengthening the back, better performance in sports, and more enjoyable sex
33. Everyone loves ice cream cakes
34. One of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records
35. The most exciting thing that can happen in movies or on TV or in real-life is somebody having a gun
36. It's not like booze every killed anyone
37. Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas
38. Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. It's when you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. And it works like a charm
39. Engaged ain't married
40. Bacon is delicious…and good for you
41. An SUV with three rows of seats is WAY more awesome than a minivan
42. Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved
43. The heart of New York City is Times Square, and it's was named that because….of the good times you have in it
44. Sbarro's is the best pizza place in New York City.
45. The only place to get authentic sushi is New York City
46. The key to being a good public speaker is waving your arms in the air and pounding your fists on the table. A lot
47. Laughter is the best medicine
48. Well apparently in the medicine community, negative means "good." Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos
49. When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help
50. Princess Diana's funeral was the saddest one ever
51. Drug testing has to be official and it HAS to be urine!
52. Going to Mexico when you were five to attend your great-grandmother's funeral means you are a potential drug mule
53. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates
54. Saying stuff like "fleece it out" and "dinkin' flicka" will help with your interracial conversations
55. There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians. The Holocaust. JFK. Only recent has the Lincoln assassination become funny. A dream world would be where they could tell a hilarious AIDS joke
56. "Faggy" means lame
57. You don't call retarded people retarded. That's bad taste. You call your friends retarded when they are acting retarded
58. We're all homos. Homo sapiens
59. You can buy a gaydar online
60. "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly" means "Check out the slut"
61. When on a first date, you should order the most important thing on the menu so he knows you're worth it. But if you do…you're going to have to put out
62. Jerome Bettis is called "The Bus" because he is afraid to fly
63. After a fight, men "Hug it out." But it doesn't translate to women
64. You can't shoot with smoke grenade
65. You should know what side you're on when you play "Call of Duty" so you don't kill your own teammates
66. Watching movies increase productivity because they cause you to work faster because you have to make up the time you lost watching the movie
67. The older you get, the bigger chance there is you're gonna die
68. A human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated
69. Pretzel Day: Makes the other 364 days worth it
70. When looking for food, check the vending machine, the copier, the fax machine, and then finally…your butt
71. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown
72. Indians DO NOT eat monkey brains
73. There are hundreds of Hindu gods. Maybe more than that
74. Biking to work makes you rally sweaty for the rest of the day
75. It only takes 6 weeks to be the #2 guy in the office using name repetition, personality mirroring, never breaking off a handshake, and always thinking one step ahead. Like a…carpenter…that makes stairs
76. You can't give paper clips to a baby. He might swallow them
77. The way to a women's heart is to play the banjo and sing in a sexy, high falsetto voice
78. The worst part about prison is the dementors
79. It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father
80. Christmas can't be cancelled as long as they're still airing "Rudolph"
81. The Jamaicans DO have a word for "impossible". It's English, it's "impossible"
82. The back seat is the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first
83. 7 out of 10 attacks are from the rear
84. Swanson's makes a delightful chimichanga
85. You don't want someone sucking up to you in order to advance their career. You want someone sucking up to you because they genuinely love you
86. Shocking yourself by cleaning gunk off of wall sockets with a metal fork will lead to epiphanies
87. Ben Franklin was probably one of the sexiest presidents ever
88. Ben Franklin was also really kind of a sleazebag
89. At a wedding, if you are pushing the bride's father's wheelchair down the aisle, it means you are co-giving her away
90. There are too many people in this world. We need a new plague
91. Bear attacks come when you least expect them
92. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch"
93. If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a whole letter grade, so it would stupid not to do it
94. Whenever you're about to do something, think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, do not do that thing.
95. If a vampire bat was in the US, it would be in a -sylvania
96. There are four kinds of businesses. Tourism. Food service. Railroads. And sales. And hospitals/manufacturing. And air travel
97. That line on the top of shrimp is feces
98. If you don't watch Battlestar Galactica then you're an idiot
99. Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information
100. The real heroes are the guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime
101. You can't put a price tag on an hundred dollar gift card
102. Heart disease kills more people than bailers
103. Depressed isn't just a fancy word for "bummed out"
104. When someone gives you odds like 10,000 to 1, you take it.
105. Bears eat beets
106. Saying "Beer me" will get a laugh, like, a quarter of the time
107. If you menstruate, you don't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. And you're more in tune with the moon and the tides
108. When seen in the right context, a penis is a wonderful sight for a women. But if it is in the wrong context, it's like a monster movie
109. There is no conversion chart for 10 points, a gold star, and a thumbs up
110. Hotel Hell has a check in time of now and a check out time of never
111. An ideal choice for a #2 guy would be Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. And fictional. And overqualified.
112. Guys are more attracted to the back of women than to the front
113. The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont
114. If a crime happened on company property with company property, it's double jeopardy, so you're fine
115. You can keep your marriage spicy if you're Lutheran and your spouse is Unitarian
116. In cults, you have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader
117. If you're Hindu, you believe in Buddha
118. The best strategy for a race is to start fast, run fast in the middle, and then end fast
119. If you kill your significant other's cat, make sure it is completely dead before putting it in the freezer
120. Computers are about trying to murder you in a lake
121. If you should never mix business with pleasure, how does a putt-putt gold company operate?
122. You don't have rights just because some town in Switzerland says so
123. Mrs. Butterworth is a less-urban Aunt Jemima.
124. That catchy TV jingle goes… "Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast!"
125. Being a regional manager is easy when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend isn't in love with someone else
126. The eyes are the groin of the head
127. Mo' money, mo' problems
128. All you need to survive in the wild is a roll of duct tape and a knife
129. It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by someone you don't know on purpose
130. Talking trash and talking smack are totally different
131. The Office is THE funniest show on television
A/N2: So? What did you think? We're interested to know which ones people liked the best. Also, if you have any to add! Let us know! Thanks!