Disclaimer: Is there even one scene in KH2 where you see Seph and XemXem together? I think not, meaning I DON'T OWN KINGDOM HEARTS!!
Rating: M
Genre: Romance/ Tragedy
Summary: Can you love someone without a heart? If not, convince yourself you can. Lemon Seph/Xemnas.
History: During my first S/X fic I was wondering. How sad it would be if Seph loved Xemmy but not the other way around? How terrible! So I just had to write a fic about it, the ideas wouldn't leave me!! Oh, and the pictures in my head!! This Sephiroth/Xemnas fic is dedicated to all Sephiroth and Xemnas fans, especially Xiaolink Volumen (I think that's her current name) who was the one who inspired me to write S/X in the first place, and everyone else who's reviewed my other fics. Thankies!!! OOC'ness is to be expected… Lets make that major OOC'ness, shall we? O.O The first part was written to the soundtrack from Deep Dive, mid part to the theme of Organization XIII by Yoko Shimomura and the ending to Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright.
Deep Dive City. And it was raining. Always raining. The wind ruffled through silver hair and black clothing. Other than that the tall man atop the memories skyscraper did not move an inch. His face was stoic, and his blue eyes burning with determination. He had stood like that for three nights. In the rain. It was always raining.
But he didn't care. He was there to kill. Rain will not save you tonight, he thought for the third time. He waited.
He did not know if his prey would show itself. His hunt had been fruitless so far. But he had a strange sensation that tonight would be the night to end this misery. He would get rid of the one thing he would not accept to live with. The one thing he would not allow himself. He would face it, and kill it together with the one who summoned this feeling within him.
His eyes shifted from the wet, empty alley before him to the giant castle towering over the city. It was so dark everywhere that even the white castle looked like a mere black silhouette against the even darker sky… the rain drowning out the muffled shine from the neon lights. There seemed to be nothing else than rain existing in this world. Everything else was just stone. The black buildings of Deep Dive and the white walls of the castle. The World That Never Was didn't hold anything else. He wondered whether he would find anything living here after all, as his eyes concentrated on the dark alley again.
There, among the shadows was a black, hooded figure. Finally.
The cloaked person took content steps, slowly as if he owned the world, out on the street. It came to a halt right before the skyscraper and turned towards the moon which light was still visible through the clouds. A truly significant moon. The cloaked one seemed unaware of the other. The other gave a barely visible, triumphant smirk.
The cloaked one removed his hood slowly, getting silver hair and tanned skin soaked. His eyes were closed. A slight smile spread across his noble face as he felt the raindrops against his skin. He felt the raindrops… Yet that didn't make it an emotion he reminded himself, and so his smile disappeared. He opened his eyes to reveal magnificent amber. Yet they were empty. They held no life, no proof of existence, and no emotion… But even at this distance the other could see that the amber pools reflect the sky, and fill with its rain and sadness. He turned towards the skyscraper, and even in the rain he could see the determination in the beautiful face above him.
"Why are you here Sephiroth?" he called out. His voice was just as empty as his eyes. Sephiroth didn't answer at first. He leapt of the building and landed softly about five meters away from the other. He drew his sword, the Masamune.
"I see," the cloaked man whispered to himself. "So that's how it is."
"Draw your weapons Xemnas," Sephiroth called and pointed his own at him. Xemnas gave him a sad look.
"Why do you wish to fight me? Why do you hate me this much?"
Sephiroth didn't intend to listen to any of Xemnas' words. The Enigmatic Man might refuse to fight him, but that didn't mean he would survive this day. In two seconds Sephiroth readied his sword and charged right at him, crashing him into the nearest building, blocks of concrete flying everywhere. Blood splattered across the ground but was quickly washed away by the rain. Xemnas gasped and couched blood. He had been too late to block the Masamune, but had luckily been able to avert it from his neck. There was a deep cut in his right shoulder, and the impact had probably done some inner damage, yet he made no sound of discomfort, only a pained grimace. Xemnas would not give Sephiroth the satisfaction of hearing him complain or showing weakness. Sephiroth held him pinned to the wall and gently pushed his sword against his throat, making him bleed slightly. The blood made lightning shaped patterns in his wet skin. Xemnas accepted his defeat. He knew he was going to die by Sephiroth's hands, and the thought didn't really bother him, yet he had to know:
"Why do you hate me this much?" he asked again. Sephiroth hesitated. He did not retrieve his sword from the other's neck, but he hesitated. He stared into the amber eyes before him, now reflecting his own eyes. There was no determination there any longer. It was gone, replaced by doubt and perhaps… sadness? No! He would not feel sad for this man. He would not show weakness and definitely not pity. He would kill him. Right now. Right here. In the rain and darkness of Deep Dive City where they first met... He remembered it as clear as day.
They had met in this particular alley. Xemnas' vague smile at the first sight of him was burned into Sephiroth's mind. Xemnas knew that a fight against Sephiroth held no gain, even at their first meeting. Instead, they had talked.
"Who might you be?" Xemnas asked. The other gave him a frown.
"Why would I give my name to someone who hides their face behind a hood?"
Xemnas surveyed him for a moment.
"I am the master of this world. Who are you to order me? Besides it's raining. It's always raining here. But fine."
Xemnas slowly removed his hood, getting silver hair and tanned skin soaked. He gave a vague smile by the other's slightly amused look. "My name is Xemnas."
Sephiroth was quite surprised, though he didn't show it. He reminded him of someone he had known once… A man named Ansem who had died some time ago. The memory was still paining.
"My name is Sephiroth."
"Then you know I must ask you. Why are you here Sephiroth?"
He hesitated. There was this sensation inside him telling him to trust the other. He shifted his gaze to the sky. Rain splattered down his face and neck.
"This is the only world able to accept the hatred I carry with me."
"What is it that you hate?"
Xemnas was obviously curious. He had after all been a scientist.
"Everything… And this is the only place where nothing seems to hate me in return."
Sephiroth looked back at the other whose gaze had averted to where the moon should have been visible beyond the clouds and rain. They were both in deep thoughts for a moment. Xemnas wondered what could happen to a real person's emotions in this world, Sephiroth was too tired of speculating over his hatred so he merely admired how the loose strands of Xemnas' hair clung to his wet skin.
"There is no hatred in this world. Nor is there any sorrow or regret. We who live here are but mere shells of those we once were and cannot feel true emotions. We are nobodies. The non-existent."
Xemnas' eyes went back to Sephiroth, or to be more specific, the wet skin of Sephiroth's bare chest.
"It sounds wonderful to one who consists only of hatred."
"Why do you hate everything so much?" Their eyes met again.
Why do you hate me so much?
That last sentence echoed through Sephiroth's mind over and over again. He remembered meeting Xemnas twice after that day. They had talked, and even Xemnas who said he couldn't feel had come to a liking of the other. But then Sephiroth understood that it was more to his own feelings than just liking, and he simply wouldn't allow that. He would not have feelings for a person he knew would not return them. So he had decided he would kill Xemnas. The sadness of loosing Ansem to death had been enough to break him. Would rejection be any milder? Knowing that Xemnas would never love him yet be there by his side… Though was killing really the answer? Xemnas got it all wrong. Sephiroth could never hate him. He should at least tell him.
"Xemnas… I… I could never hate you!"
And as a lightning illuminated the two in the alley, Xemnas was sure he could recognize sorrow in Sephiroth's face.
"Then why…?!"
They had to yell so the storm wouldn't drown out their voices.
"Because you'll never feel the way I do about you!" Xemnas went silent. "I can not live with that!"
"Sephiroth!" the Enigmatic Man yelled over the sound of rain and thunder. "I might not be able to love you! But know this! I can no longer be complete without you!"
Sephiroth's eyes widened. Did he just say that…? "Can we just get out of here so we can talk?!"
Sephiroth nodded and Xemnas opened a portal. They soon found themselves in the Proof of Existence, soaking wet both of them. Xemnas chuckled.
"Why does it always rain?!" he asked himself frustrated. Sephiroth shot him a concerned glance. Now that they were sheltered from the rain and in the white halls of the castle he noticed how much Xemnas was bleeding.
"Xemnas, are you…?"
"I'm fine," he shushed. "Just do not jump to conclusions again."
"I am truly sorry…"
Sephiroth felt stupid. Yet this didn't mean anything would change. There was no reassurance in Xemnas' words of affection… though he wanted to believe there was. He fell back against the wall and sunk down to the floor. He was tired of waiting.
"How long have you been standing outside in the rain…?"
He wasn't used to Sephiroth being so worn out.
"Six days I think…"
"What?!"
"Six days."
"You were standing outside in the rain for six days?!"
Sephiroth frowned.
"Well, I had no other place to go did I?"
"That's it! You're staying at the castle from now on!"
"What?!"
"There is no way I am letting you stay outside in the rain!"
"Don't pretend like you care…"
"Not having a heart does not mean I can not care! I care about getting back my heart, remember? Or did you not listen to our two last conversations?"
Xemnas scowled. Sephiroth just sighed. The Enigmatic Man's expression softened, and he sat down by the other, leaning slightly on to him.
"When did you get so pushy?"
He had promised himself he would not give in to Xemnas. His words would not stop him.
"When I understood that you would not laugh of me if I said I cared about you." Their eyes met. Sephiroth took of his gloves and put a hand on Xemnas' cheek, not really aware of what he was doing. Xemnas' eyes widened. Blue meeting amber, pale meeting tanned… they were so different, yet still so like each other… He knew he loved Xemnas more than anything, but was he able to accept that it would not be mutual? His eyes trailed over Xemnas' features. I will try… He slowly closed the gap between their lips and kissed him firmly, earning a gasp. He could at least pretend that Xemnas loved him… They parted almost at once, but as soon as they realised what had just happened they met again, deeper. He was tired of all this hatred, and he had finally found someone he knew would never despise him. He needed this reassurance, and for once he could actually get it. They pulled away, panting slightly. They fell back against the wall again, not looking at each other.
"Xemnas…"
"Yes…?"
"Will you ever leave me?" Sephiroth asked. Their eyes met again. There was something unfamiliar in the pale man's eyes, something Xemnas had never seen before.
"Never… Unless you want me to."
"Are you sure?"
"I… I will do anything for you."
Xemnas bit his lip. It was hard to admit, but he meant it. He wanted Sephiroth to know he cared. He would pledge himself to the man beside him if that's what it would take.
"Then say it."
"Say what…?"
Sephiroth looked away from him again and sighed.
"Say the words. No matter how fake they are, I need to hear them."
"I can't lie to you Sephiroth… anything but that."
"Very well," Sephiroth said. He leaned onto Xemnas and closed his eyes. The Enigmatic Man put an arm around him and stroked his hair. Soon they were both fast asleep.
X
"It is truly magnificent, isn't it?"
Xemnas smiled, looking up at the half finished Kingdom Hearts. Sephiroth gave a low chuckle.
"I think this is the fifth time you ask," he said, putting his arms around Xemnas' waist. Xemnas gave a small pout. "And it is the fifth time I agree," Sephiroth reassured. Xemnas turned and kissed him. These last days had been wonderful. Sephiroth was getting accustomed to the corridors of the castle and alleys of the city, seeing he was usually just wandering the hallways at daytime when Xemnas worked. But at nighttime he'd return to the Superior's room. After all the intimate moments together he knew the curves and dips of the other's body by heart now. They'd slowly undress each other, kiss, feel, they were ready for anything by now… but then Sephiroth would ask Xemnas to utter those three words of affection… the three words Xemnas had wowed never to speak as he became a nobody. He would refuse, Sephiroth would sigh and pull him into an embrace. And they'd fall asleep, naked in each other's arms. Sephiroth often wondered why he was denying them to take the last step, but as he stood there at the Altar of Naught, he knew he needed to hear those words, or he'd be filled with emptiness every time he looked at Xemnas, and he was way too precious for that. Xemnas knew he couldn't lie to Sephiroth, no more than he could lie to himself. He cared too much about him. He was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He wanted to give everything up just to be with him, but what good would it do if he couldn't say three simple words?
And what would the others say if someone found Sephiroth…?
But Xemnas didn't need to worry for long.
"Someone is coming," Sephiroth murmured, and he was gone in an instant. Seconds later he could hear the sound of a portal opening behind him.
"Xemnas! I bring bad news."
It was Saïx, and he earned a frown from his Superior as he turned towards him. The Luna Diviner should know better than to start a conversation with those words.
"What is it VII?"
"Axel has returned from Castle Oblivion. He was the only one who made it."
Xemnas remained as cold as ever. Saïx continued.
"Axel reports the destruction of XI, XII, VI, V and… IV."
The Luna Diviner's voice almost failed him at the last number. Xemnas had never seen him like this. Saïx was the last one he'd expect to care about any other member of the Organization, or anything at all for that matter. Well, at least that proved nobodies could really care about others. And if Saïx had, it couldn't be too rare.
"Pull yourself together Saïx. We will succeed, so resume your work."
And with that, Saïx left, cursing himself for showing weakness. But he was not the only one. Most of the members were beginning to doubt as the word spread. Everyone was tense as time passed and one after one died by the hands of the key bearer. Xemnas had begun to dread every one of Saïx' visits. He was seriously considering leaving as he once again heard the sound of a portal opening. There was no question where they'd end.
"Xigbar has been destroyed…"
"That leaves us and X…"
"X is readying for battle at Proof of Existence in this moment."
Xemnas nodded. He didn't look at Saïx. He knew, that if he did, all he would see was emptiness. The sound of a portal, and Saïx was gone. Xemnas returned to his chambers finding Sephiroth next to the window. He walked up next to him, and his eyes fell on Kingdom Hearts, hovering high above them.
"So much death because of this…"
Xemnas stared at the other. There was sorrow in booth's eyes. Sephiroth hated to see Xemnas like this, knowing he wasn't able to do anything with it. Eyes are the mirrors of the soul. He had seen his own sadness reflected in the Enigmatic Man's eyes so many times, filling his soul. Why didn't that happen with his passion too? Why was he not able to fill Xemnas with the love and care he deserved? He pulled the other into a hug. Xemnas gave a faint smile.
"My hopes are falling apart in front of my very eyes," he whispered. "I do not know what I'd do without you keeping my dreams alive."
"Your dreams?"
Xemnas snuggled closer to him.
"A moment of affection, I believe…"
He paused before saying what had bothered him for so long. "… It will soon be my turn."
Sephiroth's hug tightened.
"I will not let that happen."
"I have to fight, but before that time comes…"
His voice faltered.
"Lie to me," Sephiroth whispered. Xemnas shook his head.
"Saïx will return to the Altar of Naught any moment now, regarding X's fate. I should be of."
Sephiroth nodded and kissed him.
X
The Enigmatic Man once again looked up at Kingdom Hearts. He wondered why he held back. Next time he met Sephiroth might be the last.
"Xemnas!"
The grave voice of Saïx yet again bringing bad news.
"Luxord has been defeated…"
Xemnas was silent. He didn't look at Saïx this time either. Saïx had been like a brother to him, his most loyal.
"I should prepare myself for battle," Saïx said. His Superior didn't even look at him. Neither moved for a while. "I suppose I should thank you."
And so he turned to leave, but Xemnas stopped him.
"For what? Sending you to your death?" he spat, finally looking at him. Saïx gave a vague smile. He knew he wouldn't come back.
"For giving me a purpose as a nobody."
"What purpose?"
Saïx hesitated.
"I met someone at the Organization I grew to care about."
Xemnas was surprised.
"Nobodies can not love, you know that."
"We pretended like we could, and we had a good time together. I think the last weeks alone made me realise that dying here is my faith."
The usual cold expression was washed away from Saïx' face as turned to leave.
X
Xemnas was alone in his room, pondering over what Saïx had said. Dying was his faith… so he could be reunited with his special one? At least this confession explained why Saïx had been so strange after Axel's return from Castle Oblivion. He had lost someone he cared about… who could it have been?
He felt Sephiroth's arms pull him into a tight embrace.
Was Saïx dead by now?
He buried his face in his chest, soaking him in silent tears.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" Sephiroth murmured, stroking his hair. He was scared he'd never see Xemnas again after this.
"Tell me why you need to hear those words…"
"All I ever hear is words of hatred. I believe I just need a moment of affection."
A tear was trailing down his cheek too now, but he continued.
"I wanted this moment to be perfect."
"Why…?" Xemnas asked.
"Because I love you."
"You know I don't have a heart."
"Then you must lie to me."
"But I…"
Xemnas thought of Saïx' words.
"I need to hear it," Sephiroth whispered.
"I…"
"Lie to me!"
"I… I love you."
Their lips met. How Sephiroth had longed to hear those words. They parted and Xemnas clung to his cape and sobbed. Why was he crying? He wasn't supposed to feel sorrow. Perhaps it was more like… desperation, knowing everyone was dead, and it was soon to be his turn.
"Sephiroth… can I ask you… will you make love to me, once… before I go?"
Sephiroth was unable to say anything at all. He loved him so much. The thought of losing him was overpowering… unbearable… He nodded and wiped away his own tears, kissing away Xemnas'.
Never did he touch him as gentle as that nigh. He carefully pushed him down on the bed, unzipping his cloak. He knew exactly what to do, where to touch him, where to kiss him, making him squirm and arch onto his fingers. Xemnas didn't do anything. He just lay there, letting Sephiroth undress him and do whatever he pleased. He just wanted to forget, lose himself in the one person who meant so much to him. Drown in the pain and pleasure of finally becoming one with him, yet dread the moment he would be tore away from him. Silent tears slid down his face, the sound of the rain outside hammering in his ears. Sephiroth let his clothes fall to the floor, carefully laying down on Xemnas. He brushed some loose strands of hair away from his face and kissed him passionately. His eyes were glazy.
"No preparations," Xemnas whispered.
"Are you sure…?"
"Yes."
Xemnas wanted pain. He wanted to drown in it, be engulfed by it and forget everything that was going to happen and all that ever was but Sephiroth.
"I love you so much…"
Tears slid down booth's face.
"And… I love you too…"
"Everything is going to be fine."
He knew it was a lie, but for the first time Sephiroth did not see sorrow in the others eyes, but there, burning brighter than any sun, true as day was the reflection of passion and love. Sephiroth parted his thighs and readied. Xemnas didn't care to hold back his scream as he thrust inside. He clenched a handful of the sheets in his fists and screamed at the top of his lungs, letting the pain and pleasure blind him temporarily. He arched his hip and back onto him creating a rhythm for them, each thrust hurting more than the last as he hit his soft spot. Sephiroth's hair hung like a veil around them, creating a world of their own, a moment of love, safety and affection. Xemnas' screaming faded. Why had he been so scared? He had forgotten. Everything is going to be fine. He locked his legs around Sephiroth's waist. They were together now. Sephiroth moved more gently, lips locked with his love. They panted, grinding their sweat and tear drenched bodies together. All too soon they groaned into each other's mouth as they released. Sephiroth sat up and threw his hair back, making their world disappear. Xemnas finally let go of the sheets and reached up to remove strands of hair that had clung to his lover's damp body. They kissed passionately, and as they fell back towards the mattress everything returned to them. Xemnas couldn't help but sob. Sephiroth pulled him close, holding him tight. He tried to comfort him, but it was difficult seeing he was crying silently himself.
X
Sephiroth woke up a couple of hours later finding Xemnas gone. No! He speed dressed and teleported to the Altar of Naught. He would not let Xemnas die! Or was it already too late? Please let him be alive…
The altar was desert, however as he was in the middle of the stair a black portal opened right in front of a giant door. A black figure emerged from it. Thank God! Xemnas was alive!
But as he reached him, Xemnas collapsed face down.
"Xemnas!"
Sephiroth fell to his knees beside him and carefully flipped him around, supporting his head. His beautiful face and neck was splattered in his own blood.
"No!" Sephiroth whispered.
"I… I won… Sephiroth…"
Xemnas groan and made a pained grimace. His breathing was uneven and rapid.
"Everything's going to be fine now," Sephiroth said a bit desperately, stroking his hair. "Everything's okay, we are together now…"
"I… I don't have… long left…"
"Don't say that! We'll make it somehow!"
He hugged him tightly as if Xemnas disappeared if he ever let go.
"I have… one last request… my love. End… my pain, and… let me leave… by your hand…"
Xemnas gave another groan. He remembered too well how he had promised he wouldn't leave Sephiroth unless he wanted him to, and how he had felt okay about dying by his sword so many weeks ago.
"Don't…"
"Promise me… you will live on, and I… will wait for you… in the next life…"
"I… I promise…"
Sephiroth bit his lip and drew his Masamune. He pulled of his gloves and grabbed it half a meter over the edge, metal cutting into flesh and bone of his hands, and his blood dripping onto Xemnas' cloak as he positioned the sword over his stomach.
"I love you," Xemnas whispered. He wasn't sure, but he almost believed it himself by now.
"I love you more than anything."
"Take me away… from all this death."
Their lips met in one final kiss, still locked together as Xemnas quirked at the feeling of cold steel.
Sephiroth didn't pull away until Xemnas was completely silent, a thin thread of saliva still connecting them for a second until it burst. He stared at his love, saw the darkness engulf him, and saw him fade to nothingness.
No tears were shed that day. Perhaps the sorrow was too grave. The only sign that sorrow had ever existed in this world was the rain hammering down on Sephiroth as he walked through Deep Dive for the last time. Always raining.
Three letters: OOC! This took SO long time! Not to mention I was working on another fic at the same time (Still am), but I just had to write some S/X fluff! I've been working hard with this, so please tell me what you think!