Disclaimer: I do not own ATWT characters.
Summary: The more loving the heart, the easier it shatters.
Notes: Fill for the prompt break by onionladi777 at the what_did_you_do Nuke LJ.
When Noah was five, he broke a vase. He'd been especially rambunctious that day, unusual for the normally well-mannered boy. He was playing Cowboys and Indians, modeling the action he'd seen in the old black-and-white movies he'd starting watching on Saturday matinee television.
Noah was too young to understand it wasn't the most politically correct of games. And he was too accustomed to playing alone to realize until years later that having to portray both the Cowboys and the Indians was a sad statement on his childhood. Noah only knew that he craved the adventure and excitement of the world he saw onscreen.
He fashioned a lasso with two of his father's belts, and swung it enthusiastically, preparing to corral an invisible Sioux who'd ostensibly stolen his trusty horse. The sudden crash made Noah's stomach drop, even before he realized what had happened. The dastardly noise was followed immediately by another dreaded sound - the stomp of his father's angry footsteps, en route to investigate the disturbance upstairs.
Unfortunately, the belts of Noah's lasso served a darker function that day.
When Noah was thirteen, he broke his arm. He'd been studying with a classmate from his new school. Because of constantly relocating, it was difficult for Noah both to keep his grades up, and to make friends.
On his first day in his eighth-grade class, Noah's teacher suggested that another student, Kyle, help bring Noah up to speed. Kyle was friendly, and kind, and didn't seem to mind being stuck helping the new kid. Soon, they were meeting up at Noah's after school to study and hang out.
Luckily, Kyle was good at math. It's not that Noah wasn't, but Algebra sometimes made his brain hurt. He could figure it all out eventually, but things went so much faster when Kyle showed him.
Still, Noah struggled with a particular assignment in the class. After working together on it for over two hours, the light bulb finally went off, and both boys were relieved when Noah grasped how to work with the formulas correctly. So much so, that they spontaneously hugged.
It was entirely innocent. It was also exactly when the Colonel came to call Noah for dinner. In a low voice, Winston calmly explained to Kyle that it was time for him to leave.
Noah sensed something was very wrong, but for the life of him, didn't know what. After insuring that Kyle had left, Winston turned to Noah, seething with barely contained fury. "You will not behave in that manner, ever again. Do you understand me?"
No, as a matter of fact - Noah didn't. Stupidly, he said as much. Enraged, the Colonel's quiet but menacing tone exploded.
"NO SON OF MINE WILL BE A FAGGOT!"
Noah flinched, then immediately burst into tears. This only served to inflame the Colonel further still. "YOU DO NOT CRY! WOMEN AND FAIRIES CRY, NOT MEN. DO YOU WANT TO BE A FAIRY?"
"No sir!," Noah choked out, still sobbing in sheer fright. He wanted to stop - truly, he did. But in all the times he'd ever been scared of his father, and there were plenty, he'd never been this afraid.
The Colonel was wild-eyed as he closed in on Noah, grabbing him roughly by the arms. Almost as if the man either couldn't control it, or wasn't aware of it - maybe both - he began to shake his son. Later, it occurred to Noah that his father had tried to shake the gay out of him.
The only thing he succeeded in doing, however, was breaking his son's arm. Noah immediately cried out, an agonized, almost inhuman sound that even pulled the Colonel up short. The cry shocked the man into awareness of what he'd been doing - of what he'd done - and he immediately released his son, horrified.
Noah would never forget the drive to the emergency room.
How his father's face was ashen as he apologized to Noah. How Winston justified that he had acted out of concern that Noah was being led down the wrong path, towards evil. How the Colonel explained that he had only wanted to protect Noah from being lured and harmed by deviants.
Incredibly, Noah did his level best not to cry in the car. Even though the pain was so acute it was damn near incomprehensible, Noah bit the inside of his cheek to restrain his sobs from emerging. Despite everything, he was still trying to make his father proud.
Of course, Winston told Noah in no uncertain terms, they had to lie about his injury, or Noah would be put into foster care. At the base hospital, the boy weaved a tale detailing how his father had been forced to grab his arms to prevent Noah from falling down the stairs. It was disturbing how easily the lie was believed.
Or how blatantly all concerned wanted to ignore the truth.
When Noah was eighteen, he broke three hearts. He hadn't wanted to. But the problem with living a lie is that ultimately, it takes too many other lies to prop up, and eventually the house of cards has to fall.
It began to collapse for Noah when he fell for Luke. He'd found other boys attractive before, but had been able to bury such thoughts, never seriously entertaining the idea of acting on them. But Luke... Luke was different.
It got to the point where Noah was sure he spent every waking hour only entertaining thoughts of acting on his attraction to Luke. Luke was funny, and snarky, and smart. And, oh yeah - the most beautiful creature Noah had ever seen.
His fake life was in very real jeopardy. Stupidly, Noah fought to hang onto what he knew. Pretending he was his father's definition of "normal".
Pretending he wanted Maddie as his love; as his lover. Pretending he didn't get a damn hard-on anytime Luke Snyder was close enough for Noah to catch the faintest whiff of his scent. Pretending that the dreams that followed Noah into sleep, and found him frantically stroking himself to completion every morning didn't exclusively feature images of Luke Snyder writhing beneath him.
In the end, Noah broke. He kissed Luke, then immediately tried to laugh it off, hurting the boy who'd come to be his friend. He deceived Maddie, continuing to let her believe they had a future.
And of course, he lied to his father. What else could he do? Colonel Winston Mayer would never accept his gay son, so his son desperately tried not to be gay.
All of it was destined to blow up, really. It did, affecting the three people in the world Noah cared about most. Ultimately, Noah lost his father's love, Maddie's trust, and very nearly, Luke's life.
It took Noah a long time to realize that he hadn't actually lost his father's love, because the real Noah had never had it.
When he was twenty-one, Noah had his heart broken. It was by far the worst fracture he'd ever experienced. Nothing that came before - not the physical trauma or the emotional scars - could compare with losing his soulmate.
Noah tried to move forward. He came to understand that he would have to do so as an incomplete person. That would have to be all right.
Noah clung to his brokenness like a badge of honor. It felt wrong and messed up and entirely unhealthy, and all of that was fine with him. He didn't want to feel things like comfortable and settled and happy if he couldn't feel them with Luke.
If the cracks sometimes showed, and others could detect something was just not quite right with Noah, so be it. He didn't want to be whole. Not without Luke.
From a purely logical perspective, Noah knew he was in trouble. He understood that what he was doing was untenable, and something would have to give. He couldn't reasonably sustain himself under this level of misery, yet he had no stomach for happiness.
Eventually, Noah finished his project, and lacked any drive to pursue another. Eventually, it was too hard to keep up the pretense of his wonderfully exciting Hollywood life in phone calls with Lily and Holden, so he stopped taking them. Eventually, Noah didn't care to exert the effort to prepare meals, since he didn't need the energy to go anywhere, anyway.
When Noah was twenty-two, Luke arrived in Los Angeles. It had been six weeks since Holden had last spoken with Noah by phone, and the Snyders were concerned. Noah didn't respond to Luke's incessant knocking when he arrived. Eventually, Luke found the landlord, and told the man to either unlock Noah's door, or watch the authorities break it down after he'd called 911.
When Luke got inside, he found Noah on the couch. Asleep, or unconscious. Panicked, he shook Noah, who roused with some difficulty.
Finally, the eyes opened, and stared in disbelief. "Luke?" Noah's voice was both incredulous, and weak.
Luke was appalled at Noah's condition. His skin was pallid, his eyes deadened, and his cheekbones too prominent from an excessive weight loss. "Bubby," Luke whispered, tears filling his voice. "What have you done to yourself? Why, baby? Why?"
"I can't...," Noah trailed off, attempting to explain. "I... I cared about the wrong things, and now... I know better, but it's too late. And I just..." Again, Noah paused, struggling to form words that could relate what Hell felt like.
To have what you thought you wanted, but nothing you needed. To lose all ability to care about what you do have. To miss someone so much, that even surrounded by people you're so utterly alone.
Finally, Noah just said it the best he could manage. "I... I broke."
It was enough. Luke gathered Noah within his arms, rocking them together, seemingly trying to comfort them both. He murmured soft reassurances in Noah's ear. "We'll fix it. I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." He kissed Noah's temple, and stroked Noah's hair, and eventually laid down on the couch, holding Noah securely against his chest as they both succumbed to emotional and physical exhaustion.
The next day, Luke's things arrived, courtesy of the Worldwide jet. The next day, Luke scheduled an appointment with a therapist, telling Noah, not asking him. The next day, they began the long, difficult journey back to Noah, and back to them.
When Noah was twenty-three, and twelve months to the day of Luke's arrival, it was Noah's turn to surprise him. By mutual agreement, they'd enjoyed a simple picnic at the beach. Walking barefoot along the shore, hand-in-hand, Noah pretended one last time - feigning the discovery of an inexplicably fascinating clam shell.
"Open it," he whispered softly, handing the shell to Luke.
With a quizzical expression, Luke accepted the gift, and gently opened the shell, somehow managing not to break it. Inside lay two items. A scrap of paper, and atop it, a beautiful gold band.
Tearing up, Luke returned his gaze to his boyfriend. "Noah..."
"Read it," Noah encouraged. He held the clam while Luke retrieved the paper. Unfolding it, Luke read aloud.
"Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for letting me love you.
And thank you for showing me nothing has to stay broken when someone special cares enough to fix it."
As Luke finished reading, Noah descended to one knee, taking Luke's hand in his own. "You helped me start living again. Hell, you forced me to." They both laughed. "And I am so damn glad you did. How do you thank someone for taking you at your worst, at your absolute lowest point, and loving you anyway? That's what you did, and I can never thank you enough for that."
"Bubby, you don't have to..."
"I know. I want to, but I know I don't have to thank you. You taught me that. You're the person who taught me it was okay to accept love even when I felt like I didn't deserve it. Even when I felt like I had nothing good to offer you back."
"That's not true. You had you."
"Yeah, me. I was a mess. But you didn't care."
"Oh, I cared..."
"You know what I mean." Leave it to Luke to argue semantics during Noah's big moment. Noah couldn't help but love him all the more for it. "You believed in me in my darkest moment. You were never disappointed in me. You never judged me for being weak."
"You weren't weak, baby. You were hurting. I'm just grateful you let me be with you. Once upon a time you would have pushed me away-"
"Never again. Never. Luke Snyder, I love you more than anything in this world. Will you please, please - like, I'll even watch 'Mamma Mia' every damn night with you if you want - please marry me?"
The spoken "yes" came as more of an afterthought, just to officially seal the deal following one of the most intense kisses Luke had ever planted on Noah. "God, yes," Luke repeated, nuzzling into Noah's neck as they walked back to their apartment, holding one another the entire way.
When Noah was twenty-four, in the presence of their loved ones, he married Luke.
Neither man would ever break again.