When she is twenty-two years old, she gets her first big mission. Up until that point, her missions were small. Supervised. When she is twenty-two, she is given her first large mission. Assassinate a woman named Margaret Carter, the KGB's recent thorn in their side. She's to take out this Carter woman, and effectively silence this new SHIELD organization. Her masters believe that the group will die without their leader. Natalia scoffs at the thought, she believes it will be an easy mission. Assassinate a regular woman in her early thirties. Her masters do not warn her of Carter's capabilities, only that she is a woman that must die. The Serum burns within Natalia's veins, she swears she can still feel the burn, two years later. It makes her foolhardy. She arrives in the states under the alias Nikolevna Rudin, a new recruit for this SHIELD organization. She arrives with a complete background, written for her to play the part. She smiles widely when addressed, there's a saunter to her step, and she's all around a cheery person. She wears slacks and heels and loose blouses. Her hair falls in curls around her shoulders, and she disarms every man she meets with her looks. She has a plan, to get close to Carter, and then walk away from her corpse. She imagines Carter to be a horrible capitalist pig, like she was taught.
She expects to find America a raging slum, with no order and even less civility. She is shocked, and perhaps appalled, to find how enjoyable the United States are. She finds she loves New York City, and Washington, D.C. is even better. She sees none of the stigma she was taught. In fact, she sees a better nation than her own. But she keeps such thoughts to herself, she rather enjoys living. She feels a bit more free, out from under her masters in the Room. The programming is not as strong as it should have been for such a lengthy and long-distance mission, but she doesn't realize it. Her contact within the States keeps heavy tabs on her, she knows this. But she enjoys her time. It is weeks before she catches sight of Carter, it is in the form of a formal meeting. Natalia is just a pencil pusher, a quiet and flirtatious young secretary with an eye for the proverbial ladder. She is taking notes for a debriefing, and she finds that her masters have lied to her, yet again. Carter is nothing like Natalia expected. The woman is kind and fierce. Charismatic to the point where Natalia finds she wants to follow this woman and her vision. She keeps her head down and her mind on her mission. She has no place to question her orders, she is just a pawn, a piece in the game. So she follows it by the book, working her way up the ladder. It happens faster than she would imagine, in four short weeks she has become Agent Carter's personal secretary. Carter treats her well, and it shocks Natalia each time. She is unused to being treated well, but she has her orders. And then the night comes where she has an opportunity. She is invited to Carter's home, where it will be just her and the agent, to go over some important paperwork. Natalia covertly arms herself with simple weapons, she doesn't need much, she knows she is both stronger and faster than Carter, despite the woman's ability in battle. Natalia arms her mind with her teachings, her schoolings. She will not be undermined, she will follow through and return home, triumphant. So she goes to Carter's home, with the intent to assassinate the woman and vanish like a ghost.
She arrives with an armful of the requested paperwork and a smile on her face. She has covertly flirted with Carter, and had positive responses. Natalia has several plans in mind, depending on how Carter reacts to her. Natalia is prepared. Or so she thinks. She arrives to a meal cooked by the agent herself, and Carter smiling in the way that she did when Natalia flirted. Natalia is perplexed, but she goes with it. They eat dinner, it's more than pleasant, and move to the couch to go over the paperwork. Natalia cannot take it any longer, she lets her mask fall. She is distraught, and visibly upset.
"Why are you so nice?! I was sent here to kill you, but instead you have made me question everything I was taught." She finally blurts out, to her horror. She backs up on the couch, until she is on the other end, and she pulls out a knife and clutches it like a lifeline.
"I know, Natalia. Black Widow." Natalia stares hard at Carter, and holds up her knife as if it could form a barrier between them. As if it could make this entire situation end like she was supposed to end it. Instead she watches Carter scoot closer, and gently push her arm, the one with the hand and the knife, out of the way. Carter reaches up and cups Natalia's cheek, and Natalia is afraid. She has not been afraid since she was a child, but now is she very afraid.
"How do you know?" Natalia asks. She whispers it. As if the walls have ears, as if her masters are watching and listening. Carter just looks at her, and there is sadness in the older woman's eyes.
"We don't know much about your program, but we know enough. You've been on our radar for some time, Natalia. But you haven't had a choice, have you?" Natalia flinches as if she's been struck.
"O-of course I have a choice! I've been given a gift, so I must use it." She blurts out, regurgitating words she has so often heard. Carter is close, Natalia can smell the perfume on the other woman. She could do it now, she could end it at that very second. But she doesn't. She can't. Carter leans in and pulls her into an embrace, an Natalia folds. She breaks down. She's frightened and terrified and she doesn't know what to do, but she cannot bring herself to kill this woman in front of her. She finds herself crying, sobbing hard against Carter's shoulder. And this woman, this woman who was portrayed as a terrible person. As an enemy of all that Natalia protected, holds her. Rubs her back. Comforts her. Natalia's world is falling apart and she doesn't know what to do. They spend the night talking, and then making love, and it is Natalia's first time by choice. They wake up together, and go into work. Natalia has never felt so free. Carter has promised her safe harbor, and healing Natalia didn't even know she needed. She's giddy with relief, but it doesn't last long. She is heading home to her apartment when she vanishes. Like a ghost. She is taken, and re-programmed. And every memory of Margaret Carter is wiped from her memory.
Natasha jerks upright, panting. She's covered in sweat, and shaking all over. Resurfacing memories are not uncommon for her, but she's usually had in inkling of them. A hazy moment that her mind eventually fills in. But this memory had been buried so deep, and Natasha doubles over, wanting to gag. She tries to hold it back, but eventually she rushes into her bathroom and throws up her dinner. She finds she's crying, heavy tears. Her face is hot and she's leaning against the toilet, her body shaking with sobs. She knew Peggy Carter. She had loved Peggy Carter. Steve had been talking about her the previous night, and Natasha strongly suspects that's why her memories surfaced. She stays on the bathroom floor, with her head between her knees, and her knees pressed against her chest, and she just cries. She lets it all out. Steve finds her like that in the morning, huddling in her sleepwear, dozing against the tub. When she looks up at him, he looks afraid. And she realizes how bad this probably looks.
"Peggy. I knew her. And they wiped it. I had no idea." She tells Steve, her voice hoarse. "You're going to visit her today, let me come. Please." She wants to beg him for this, to at least give her a chance to reconcile with her memories. She knows from what Steve has told her that Peggy has dementia, that Peggy likely won't remember her. But she has to go, she knows this. Steve just looks at her and nods, holding his hand out to her. He doesn't ask questions, which Natasha is grateful for, because she's not sure she has the answers. She stands, and gets herself cleaned up. That single night of passion doesn't leave her mind the entire time. It's haunting her, of the possibilities she could have had. Of yet another thing the Red Room robbed her of. She's not sure she's ready when Steve comes to get her, but she steels herself anyway. She needs the closure. When they get there, Steve gives her a look, and waits outside while she goes in on her own. She feels like that girl again, in Peggy's arms, being comforted, the moment she steps in the room. Peggy looks up at her and Natasha stops, because there's recognition in her face, and that's not something Natasha was prepared for.
"You're alive," are Peggy's first words, and Natasha jerks her head in a nod. She walks over to the chair and sits down.
"They took me back, made me forget. All of it. I … I had no idea. Not until last night." Natasha says softly, looking at the floor. When she does look up, Peggy just looks sad.
"We still had news coming in of activities from what was being called the Black Widow, I had hoped, but we weren't sure." Peggy explains, and Natasha is shocked. Surprised to hear that, to hear those words from her. Natasha nods, looking at her hands. When she looks up again, Peggy's face is blank. Natasha flinches.
"You look just like her." Peggy whispers, and Natasha has to leave. She has to get out of there. She stands, and practically runs out the door. And into Steve. He wraps his arms around her and she lets him, leaning into the embrace.
"Someday, will you tell me about it?" He asks quietly, his voice unsure. And Natasha nods. If anyone deserves to hear the story, he does.
"I'll tell you." She says softly. And they stand like that for some time.