"The Humanity of Souls"
Mystic25
Summary: Sam's confession before the last Trial. Spoilers to: 8x23 "Sacrifice"
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"Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway."
~Mother Teresa
"Do you want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin
was? It was how many times I let you down."
~Sam Winchester; Supernatural: "Sacrifice"
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"I'm not really sure how you're supposed to do this-" Sam felt the gray, warped wood of the confessional floor as it ground into his knees. He leaned over the bench, resting his elbows on wood that protested audibly under his weight.
There was a splintered hole in the woven lattice divider. Sam's voice carried through it where there was no silent Priest that heard his words on the other side. Only the real silence of the empty air.
"If there's some ceremony I'm supposed to observe, I don't have time," He stared through the blackness, the odor of dust and mold assaulting him. He turned his eyes up to the stained ceiling that was made of the same wood coated in a decayed layer of gray. "But, you need to hear me anyway, because this is important-" he cleared his throat, almost like he was a child who had spoken out of turn to an authority figure.
"All the things I've done-" He breathed out, sending motes of dust floating around him. "All the times I screwed up, but what I'm going to tell you-"he lowered his head back and stared again at the hole, like he couldn't look the God he was asking forgiveness from in the eye. "It's worst of all."
"My brother Dean," A wafting of emotion came over Sam's face as his brother's name echoed all around the wooden walls. "He's always been there for me. He sacrificed everything to keep me safe- and I let him down-" A tremble took a hold of Sam's voice at the very last word. "I lost count of how many times, but I know he hasn't. I can see it," Despite his efforts to keep his breathing even, strong, it wavered like the echoed lonely vibrato of a violin string. "He doesn't look at me the same way, he hasn't for a long time. Not the way he looks at the others-"
"And I know I deserve it. I know I don't deserve forgiveness, especially not from him, or even from you. but I'm asking please." Sam's face was back facing the ceiling, where a half moon shape had been long ago scratched there by an unknown instrument.
"If you can really hear me; this is the last one. I can end this, I can make it all mean something-"
His hands were in front of him on the bench where people would normally sit to tell their confessions. They were spaced apart and in the created gap a splash of moisture stained the dark wood, another rolled off the flesh of his thumb to meet the first.
"Please." Sam look down at the wood, and saw for the first time the first real evidence that he had actually been crying. "I not gonna let him down again." He scrubbed the evidence away with the back of his hand like it was offensive, like it would give him strength to make it the last time it happened.
He climbed back up to his feet, staring all around the confessional, looking for some physical indication that it had worked, that his sin had been forgiven. Because he didn't feel lighter inside, or cleaner. He simply felt empty.
He swallowed the next emotions that came to him, because he realized that this was the best he could do.
He took a deep breath, blew it out so quickly that his lungs burned. He pulled open the confessional door, it gave off a reverberating squeak.
Crowley's eyes watched him as he approached the demon shackled down to the wooden chair. "Are you ready to do this Moose? Or do you need more smut time to expunge all your dirty tete-a-te secrets?"
Sam moved past Crowley without a word. He picked up the hypodermic needle sitting on the alter table. He closed his eyes briefly and plunged it into the flesh of his arm, retracting two millimeters of blood.
He turned back around to Crowley, and when he reached him, stabbed the needle into the demon's neck.
His hands shook, but he emptied the entire contents of the needle. He pulled it out with a movement that shook his whole body with a gasp. "I'm ready."
Crowley swore at him, angry contempt things, that made his ears ring.
Sam turned away from all the rancorous noise, and waited for the next hour; thinking only of Dean.
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End.
And cue Sam and Crowley's amazing little interactions…Mark Sheppard was so amazing in this scene!
Loved it!
~Mystic25