AN: Well, after a couple of years, I'm trying to get back in some muse back in my writing so that means using Grey's to get going. I used to post under Authorstune - but I can't remember any details including the email address used to login. Whoops. But it's still me.
I'm so rusty and this is very unrealistic and non canon. Just trying to get back to enjoying writing - so here's a fic if you feel like reading. :-)
Part 1/1.
Home
'You know, I can parent and date…' Arizona murmured into Carina's ear, eyes focussed over the desk, following Karev as he walked between rooms.
"Mmmm," Carina said monotoned, and shrugged. "I have patients to see; I don't think I'll make dinner tonight. Will be here for hours, sorry." She didn't even look at Arizona as she rushed quickly away.
Arizona sighed. Of course, Carina would have an issue with Sofia coming home; she saw it on her face when the text message came through. The sex wasn't that good anyway. Except it was.
She didn't really know any of the details to share with Carina as to what to expect, with what Callie had in mind in terms of their co-parenting arrangement. It was just too far between New York and Seattle to have any kind of regular arrangement so they were stuck with school breaks and occasional long weekends. Not that it mattered, Carina's dust could almost be seen, she had bailed that quickly.
Arizona shook her head to the empty nurses station and slid herself on to a chair. With a kick of her right foot, she wheeled into the desk and clicked on the mouse at the computer, pulling up scan results for an eight year old boy with bowel necrosis. The results were all bad, and she knew they were out of options. Still, she rested her chin on the palm of her hand and stared at the images anyway. Not that her focus lasted.
Her and Callie didn't talk too often these days; Callie always had Sofia waiting for her FaceTime calls and other updates were done via text or email. Scanned in drawings and recordings of her school projects, every other day almost. They had made it work, somehow, against the odds. Or perhaps, because of Arizona's concessions which in the end had Sofia's happiness at the forefront. And Callie's.
Arizona had messaged Callie back that night, well past midnight when Carina had fallen asleep next to her. Is everything okay?
Sofia's fine, don't worry. Callie had messaged back immediately. It's a dangling carrot really, telling someone not to worry. Usually there's plenty of reason to.
A few days had passed and although Sofia had been excitedly telling her all about the things she missed about Seattle and how she couldn't wait to come home, Callie had been evasive with details. Actually, really evasive, Arizona realised as she stared blankly at the screen. Tapping her fingers on the desk, she pondered the thought further, tipping her head to the side when Meredith slid into the chair next to her.
Meredith immediately frowned. "You have a look on your face that tells me you need something. I am not free for surgery, I can tell you that now. And, that bowel is not being operated on."
Arizona smiled. "Oh that, yeah, I know. I'm avoiding the conversation with his parents. Actually, random question but have you heard from Callie?"
"Nah, not since the whole Penny crisis. She didn't return my call last week."
"Penny crisis…" Arizona trailed off, Sofia hadn't mentioned Penny. Sofia hadn't mentioned Penny at all in fact, for weeks…months, Arizona had no idea when she thought about it.
Meredith sighed. "It's hardly a secret Robbins, do you talk to anyone around here? Or Sofia?"
"Of course," Arizona muttered, although she had to admit that she tuned out mostly when it came to talk of Callie. "Sofia is pretty respectful of us both, she isn't a kid that shares the household details."
"She's a kid of separated parents, that's what they do. It's not respect, it's survival of the crazy."
"Right." Arizona swallowed. "So you haven't heard from her, but her and Penny have had some problems." That made sense to Arizona, that Sofia would come home so Callie could sort her relationship out. It made sense, but she didn't necessarily like it. Sofia wasn't an accessory that they could put away when something shinier took their attention.
"Yeah, some problems." Meredith looked at her with a distinct expression of idiocy. "After all this time, you and Callie are still not on speaking terms?"
"No, I mean, we are. Just, I mean, we don't chat about our lives. We're not friends."
"I'll try and call her today again, see if I get her."
"I didn't say you needed to do that."
Meredith sighed. "You're worried aren't you? Even though you're not friends? It's what you're trying to tell me without telling me."
"No," Arizona said emphatically, though her eye contact shifted as she said the word. Zero to one hundred, how did she always do that?
"I'll call."
...
Arizona was seconds away from going in to discuss end of life care with her patient's parents when her phone buzzed. It was Meredith letting her know that Callie hadn't answered her call.
Pulling up Callie in her text message list, she drifted her thumb over the screen. Hey - did Sofia get her talk on Finland sorted for today?
She was just about to pocket her phone when a reply came. Crap. I thought it was next week. I'll chat to her teacher when I pick her up today.
I could be wrong? Arizona answered.
You're better at details than I am. Sorry, I'll sort it.
Don't think it'll impact on her College entrance :)
Arizona didn't receive a response to her attempt at humour, although Callie obviously had her phone and was choosing not to answer Meredith's call.
She shook away the thought and in place of trying to figure out what to text next, Arizona stood and walked towards her patient's room. He was so young, just Sofia's age and had already had so many surgeries. It was a cruel end.
Arizona smiled at him, as she walked in and nodded at his parents sitting by his bed. "Hey young Jake, how are you doing buddy?" she asked softly.
"Sore," he said softly, face pale and gaunt. He would have weighed almost half of Sofia. "Sleepy."
"Well, how about you get some snoozing in and I'll catch up with your parents?" She shared a brief knowing glance with Jake's parents.
"I don't have to have more surgery do I? I don't want any more, okay?"
"Nope, actually. No more surgery, Jake."
"Except I'm not better." And they all knew the outcome, Arizona had talked to them all before. The last surgery, and the surgery before that and the one before that - they were all a last chance at life for Jake. And this time it was real, they were out of options.
"Do you remember what that means, Jakey?" Arizona questioned, sitting on the side of his bed.
He nodded slowly. "Yeah, I'm gonna die."
There was an audible sharp intake of air from the adults in the room but Arizona simply nodded. "Yeah, that's right. It's not really fair that I can't fix you." Arizona would usually say 'we', but this one was on her. She couldn't fix this kid.
"You tried. So don't be sad, okay? You fixed Blake, remember?"
"That's true, but I like to fix all the children who come see me. Especially the good kids," she said with a small smile and Jake smiled back at her. "You have any questions for me?"
"Can I go home? I don't want to stay here, I want to go home. I want to see my fish."
"I think we can do that, can't we Dr Robbins?" Jake's father asked with a forced light tone to his voice, his wife's hand gripped in his.
"Of course," Arizona answered, "we just need a couple of days to organise everything. I'll get one of our palliative nurses in to talk about what is needed. I'll brief them. And I'll give you all some time now, but just let one of the nurses know when you want to talk to me further."
Arizona stepped out then, slipping off the bed and past the composed grief in the room. Her prosthetic rubbed as she walked, she didn't usually notice it but it was rubbing today. It helped to focus on that, brainstorming what adhesive or bandage might prevent the inevitable skin tear. It kept the lump in her throat from swelling and the tears contained. It had turned out to be a tough day.
She missed Callie, on days like that. The way that she used to be able to just find her in the hallway for a quick coffee and debrief, or that she would get home at night and collapse on the couch and the wine would be in her hand before she even opened her mouth. And Callie would generally just listen, until the story was out or the tears had fallen. Arizona seemed to choose different women now, ones that were all show pony; confident and full of bravado. Less emotional, she supposed. She hadn't noticed that before, but it was true.
Finding her way to the hospital cafe, Arizona ordered a latte and slid into a corner table, hidden from the main thoroughfare. She placed her phone in front of her and cleared the notifications before messaging Callie. Think we can convince Sofia to not be a Doctor?
She was half finished her coffee before her phoned vibrated on the table.
Still a few good years left to work on that.
For Sofia, yes. But not for Jake, he had just a couple of weeks left. Maybe less. Arizona sighed. ha ha ha, very true. She forced the lightheartedness; she might miss Callie but it had been years since they could have that rawness. Maybe she should call Kepner for a drink out after work.
A few more minutes passed before her phone again received a message. Bad day?
It took Arizona by surprise, Callie seldom continued their conversations past Sofia and she really couldn't recall the last time either of them had taken interest in each others' life. Yeah, nothing a wine tonight won't fix. Or a gin. How about you? She could hardly ignore the olive branch and it gave her opportunity to pry, just a little.
Bad day. Bad week. Bad year.
It tugged at her heart, reading the words over and over. Callie wasn't doing so well. She didn't have a chance to respond before a second message came through.
Sorry, that was oversharing, no filter today I guess. I better not have a drink tonight, you might get an essay.
Arizona swallowed. I'll leave the sound on.
The words were deliberately chosen, a gentle though starkly referenced statement. During their relationship, whenever they spent a night apart, they both slept with the sound on their phone rather than the usual vibrate or do not disturb. Just in case.
...
"Mommy!" Sofia's voice reverberated through the small phone speaker and her smile was wide as Arizona's call connected.
"Sofia, you've grown!" Arizona exclaimed.
"Don't be silly, we FaceTime'd last night," Sofia giggled, she sounded so grown up these days. "Remember, I told you I want my room painted white and silver when I come stay with you."
"I thought you said to leave it pink?"
"Nooooooo, that's too girly. Presley says that only babies like pink. We've already talked about it anyway and you said yes. Mama will paint it if you don't want to."
"I know Cheeky, I was just teasing you. How was school today?"
"Good, we didn't do anything fun. It was raining so we couldn't even go outside. I'm doing my talk next week, can you help me and Mama remember? We forgot this week."
"Of course I can, maybe I can help you do some homework on it when I call next time. Did you get in trouble?" Arizona asked.
"Nah, not really. My teacher just got me to see the counselor, she's nice, I've seen her before." Sofia shuffled in front of the screen and rolled her eyes.
"The school counselor?"
"Yeah, she's nice. I play card games with her sometimes and I got to miss out on art. I don't really like art, Mommy."
"Ummm, okay," Arizona said, "that's good I guess Sof. You can tell me stuff too sometimes, if you want to. It's my job to look after you and if you're feeling worried or sad, or anything like that, you can tell me."
Sofia shrugged, and Arizona searched her memory for any recollection of her daughter being anxious or stressed. "I know that, but it's my job to look after Mama 'cause it's just us here now. And we're a long way from you, Mom. Five hours on a plane."
Arizona smiled loosely, Sofia only called her 'Mom' when she was trying to sound older; she reminded Arizona of herself at that age. "That is very true, it's a long way. I miss you, you know."
"Yup. You tell me every day."
Laughing, Arizona nodded. "Am I cramping your style? Not being a 'cool' Mom?"
Sofia giggled and she was back to being a little girl again. "You have a robot leg, you are actually very cool."
"I hope you remember that when you're a teenager, Sofia." Sofia just looked at her, slightly confused before she was standing up and walking away from the phone. "Hey, Sof! You going to say goodbye?"
"Whoops, sorry. My show is on tv, so I think we should finish talking."
"Where's Mama, honey? Can you take the phone to her?"
"She's having a shower, I think."
"You think?"
"No, she is."
Arizona hesitated, she was about to break their own, self imposed, unspoken rule. "One quick question before you go, Cheeky." Sofia waved with her hands, as if to hurry her mother up. "When did Penny move out?"
"Oh, ages ago." Sofia said casually, "but she keeps coming back and to my school and she yells at Mama all the time. We just want her to stay away but I heard Mama say that she's crazy. I guess that means she's a bit sick, like we learnt at school. Come on…it's starting!"
"Thanks Sofia. I'll call you again tomorrow night, okay?"
"Yeah yeah yeah," Sofia mumbled as she took the phone with her to the sofa.
"I love you," Arizona said, blowing a kiss at the screen.
Sofia reached into the air and dramatically caught the virtual kiss. "Love you, Mom." And with that, her image was gone and the call ended.
Arizona's mind raced as she anxiously walked a few laps of her kitchen. She stilled and refilled her glass with wine. She drank it, far too quickly, as she pondered the small snippets of information Sofia had disclosed. Arizona felt torn; she was furious at Penny and maybe at Callie too, for the impact on Sofia. For bringing their relationship issues into her school, so much so that she was sent to the school counsellor. She was furious at the school for not involving her, and they were generally reasonable at keeping her up to date with Sofia's progress. Then a part of her was worried or sad or something not quite identifiable; Callie would move mountains if it meant keeping Sofia protected, it had always been one of their strengths. It didn't make sense that she was exposing Sofia to her and Penny and their presumed separation. And Callie had clearly said, 'bad day, bad week, bad year'.
Arizona downed half a bottle of wine, as she waited until she knew Sofia would be in bed, sound asleep before messaging Callie. Interesting call with Sofia tonight, you free to chat?
Not tonight, Arizona.
Do you need me to come to New York and get Sofia? Or to help…?
Arizona searched her instincts as the time stretched out, waiting for Callie to respond. Callie was stubborn, for sure, but she was emotional and craved and needed connection. It was her go to when things were difficult, she talked and waved her hands about and ranted in Spanish. She didn't withdraw and go quiet; she didn't throw herself into work and drunken nights. That was Arizona's go to, but not Callie's.
When she failed to elicit a response, Arizona tried again. Should I ask that in Spanish? I'm worried. About you, she wanted to say, though she hated briefly the ties that kept her so tangled with Callie. And they extended past Sofia, past their co-parenting circumstances. She hated that part of her that should have let go years ago.
Honestly, Sofia is fine.
Arizona gulped the remaining wine in her glass, refilled it and pressed the call button on her phone. It must have almost gone to voicemail when Callie's scratched voice answered. "Not tonight, Arizona," she said.
"I'm not worried about Sofia," Arizona responded, though she was of course but in the context of just a growing bundle of concern. "You won't answer Meredith's calls."
Silence.
"Sofia told me about Penny."
"Tell me about your case today. I want to hear about your bad day," Callie said, as if she hadn't even heard the previous two statements.
Arizona could almost picture her, sitting on her bed in sweats, knees pulled up and most likely a tear stained face. "I phoned to hear about your bad year, actually."
"Not tonight, Arizona."
"What about Sofia's school situation? She's seeing a school counsellor?"
"I'm sorry," Callie conceded and again, Arizona could envisage the way Callie's head would hang, hair falling forward, hiding her face. "What happened to your case today?"
Arizona sighed. She didn't want to talk about Jake; she wanted to problem solve for once. She wanted to protect her daughter and she wanted to piece everything together. She didn't want to talk about her case because she would cry and her resolve would change and it was the only God damn thing that Callie was saying. "You know I hate talking about that stuff."
"Only when your kids die."
"I'd rather talk about Sofia and you and whatever is going on."
"You always half told your sad stories, you know, but I think you used to think you were being super emotional."
"I was being super emotional," Arizona insisted and she figured that at least Callie wasn't hanging up on her.
"Hardly. Tell me about this one, I want to hear."
"Why Callie?"
She heard a shudder and a long exhalation through the line. "Honestly?"
"Of course."
"Because it's been so long since I had the opportunity to just listen to your voice talk about something other than Sofia's school breaks and it helps. It helps me to feel like I'm back somewhere good and not a complete train wreck. And I've had gin tonight, because it's your drink and I just wanted to pretend that I'm not such a stupid screw up and that we can message or talk on the phone and I can just feel calm for two seconds. And I'm not even making sense and my head is a mess and our daughter is so weirdly you and I just want to hear about your freakin' case. Please."
"Do you ever remember me mentioning a kid, named Jake? He's the same age as Sofia?"
"When was his first presentation?"
"I can't quite remember when, but it was when I was back at work, after the plane crash," Arizona could recall the first surgery, it was around the time that she had phantom pains in full swing.
"You didn't talk much about your cases then," Callie offered softly.
"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I know that. Well, his original surgery was oncological, he had a tumour in his gut," Arizona explained.
"Did you get it all?"
"The first time and the second. And then it metastasised and I removed a small amount of his bowel. I spoke to his parents then, that it would be his last surgery, it is continued to spread that there was nothing we could do."
"And it spread?"
"Yes, but he won't die from the cancer. His bowel is necrotic and I've been back in three times, to try and stop it. He's eight years old and he weighs less than 30 pounds."
"It'll send an infection to his heart."
"Imminently."
"And it'll stop."
Arizona drew in a breath. "Yeah, his heart will stop and he won't make nine."
"Does it make you think about Sofia? About if it was her?" Callie asked.
"Always, you know that."
"Tiny white coffins."
"Erck. I hate them, the images of them," Arizona admitted, for the first time in almost ten years. "It was never easy, but it was easier before Sofia."
"You used to dream about those coffins, I remember they were bad after Wallace."
"You remember him?"
A scoff sounded through the phone. "Of course, that was a huge case for you."
"Yeah," Arizona agreed, "there's only a handful over a career I think and he was one. This is another."
"Thanks for telling me about him."
"Can we talk about you now?"
"Not tonight," Callie said softly, "but I promise you that Sofia is okay. I'll bring her to you at the end of the school term."
"Convince me not to book myself on a flight to New York tomorrow," Arizona said, quite matter of fact. She was conflicted but only about questioning her own investment, which she was acutely aware extended past her love of Sofia. She had built a life without Callie in it, as unfulfilled as that might be, it was still a life. Maybe she wouldn't ever find a woman that made her feel like Callie did, but she knew she had the capacity to fall in love again. She didn't fear being alone anymore, and she didn't fear never loving again, but neither of those things took away her instinctual connection to Callie. Even if she had been last to know about her mess with Penny.
"Sofia is fine."
"I can help."
"I'm not your responsibility," Callie insisted, and Arizona could almost finish her sentence because she had said a variation in her head a million times too. I'm no one's.
"Well, for today and tomorrow and maybe this week, I'm making you my choice. Sofia needs us both to be able to stand up if we need to and put away the crap, I'm making that choice."
A heavy silence fell between them and Arizona waited for their call to be disconnected. But it didn't. Instead, after minutes of barely audible cries, Callie whispered, "tell me more about Jake. Will he stay on your ward?"
...
Her flight was booked for just before midday, so Arizona spent the early hours of the morning at the hospital. She spent time with Jake and his parents, left notes in his chart and secured Alex for scheduled surgeries. Her plan was to be away for a few days, hopefully no more; and back with a clear idea of what else was needed or not needed. With Sofia, specifically. Although her mind kept drifting to Callie unsurprisingly, except she was increasingly adept at pushing the associated concern and worry aside. Justifying her sudden trip to New York with pseudo reasons.
A few words to the Chief and she was driving to the airport, checked in and sipping a coffee in the airline lounge before she exhaled a heavy sigh. She was suddenly filled with indecision and uncertainty with a constant stream of internal dialogue questioning and criticising her hastiness to jump on a flight to New York. She despised flying, yet that concept hadn't even entered her consciousness until that moment. Despised wasn't even strong enough; she was petrified of flying.
Her and Callie weren't meant to be friends anymore, they weren't meant to be anything of substance. And here she was, about to endure just under five hours of panic and anxiety; for someone who she used to love. Used to.
Reaching into her purse, Arizona twisted the lid off a small white bottle and withdrew a round pill and placed it in her mouth. She chased it with a gulp of water. Diazepam would take the edge off.
...
Hey, I've just checked in to my hotel and heading over to yours now. Sofia still up? Arizona texted as she settled back in a cab.
Yeah, just she's waiting in bed with a book that she wants you to read a chapter of to her.
Arizona grinned, she didn't get to do those small things nearly enough. Great, I'm just a block away.
Walking carefully up the few stairs to Callie's apartment block, Arizona didn't dare hesitate in pressing the intercom. Callie buzzed her in without a word and had the door open as Arizona slowly ascended the single flight of stairs. She had been to Callie's apartment only once before, a promise that she had made to Sofia who wanted to show off her new bedroom. Just the one time was enough though, so that the building and entrance was familiar.
What wasn't familiar was the sight of Callie, standing half hidden behind the open door, eyes glassy and downcast. "Hi," Arizona said simply, offering a casual smile. Her forehead creased heavily as soon as Callie stepped aside and closed the door behind them. "Callie," she added, absorbing the thin image in front of her; a shell of the woman that had left Seattle.
"Sof is in her room, she's been so excited since I picked her up from school."
Arizona nodded, but she stepped forward and reached her arms around Callie, feeling her stiffen under her loose grasp. The sight of Callie standing in front of her, designer jeans loose over her hips and simple tee shirt baggy at her chest, exposing boney collarbones and thin arms, was confronting. She drew a breath in and although the perfume had changed, there was still a familiar scent that was all Callie.
Releasing Callie's tense form, Arizona again, forced a casual smile. "I'll go and see our girl and be back." Callie just nodded, void of eye contact as she shuffled towards to the kitchen. Arizona walked into Sofia's room, just a dull lamp on next to her bed. Sofia was lying on her side, eyelids flickering as she hugged a stuffed tiger under her arm. She lifted herself up on her elbow at the sight of Arizona. "Hey Cheeky," Arizona murmured.
"Mummy! You really came, Mama said you were."
"I did and I made it just in time to tuck you into bed and give you a kiss goodnight."
"I made sure I stayed awake."
"I can see that, it's way past your bedtime you know."
"I know, but will you take me to school tomorrow. And pick me up?"
Arizona nodded and leaned down to press consecutive kisses to Sofia's cheek and forehead. "I definitely will."
"Tuck me in? All snug?" Sofia asked and it swelled a lump in Arizona's throat. No matter how long it was between visits, Sofia always remembered their little rituals and routines.
"Okay," Arizona said, starting to push the blanket covering Sofia tightly around her sides. "Tighter?"
"Tighter."
"There you go snuggle bug, tight tight tight. I've missed you so much and guess what else?"
Sofia groaned, shaking her face against her tiger. "You love me, I know."
"I do. I love you."
"I'm glad you're here, Mummy."
"Goodnight Cheeky."
"Goodnight."
She would have been asleep, book forgotten, before Arizona even reached the door, softly closing it behind her.
Callie was seated on the sofa when Arizona emerged, a glass of wine in hand and another poured for Arizona on the coffee table. "She managed to stay awake," Arizona advised, sitting down at the opposite side of the sofa and observing Callie pressed into the arm rest at the other end. "Just."
"I poured you a wine, figured you might want one after your flight. Did it go okay?"
Shrugging, Arizona nodded. "Yeah, it was okay. Bit of a blur." She took a few sips and tipped her head at the glass. "Hey this is really good."
"You know what I'm like with red wine," Callie offered.
"Hmmm, picky if I recall correctly."
"Exactly." Callie hadn't met Arizona's eyes yet, though she played constantly with her glass, swapping hands and taking small frequent sips. "How's ummm…Jake, your kid you told me about last night?"
"Going home in a few days, palliative care is getting a few things organised for them. Apparently there's some budgetary issue with in home nursing, so it's just going to take an extra day or two."
"Always something to complicate things."
Arizona fumbled with some phrasing in her head, she assumed it was inappropriate to demand to know what was going on, but she didn't have a whole list of gentle questions in mind. And Callie was fixated on the glass in her hand, and the stitching on the sofa and the seam of her jeans. "You know, I'm not too scary to look at," Arizona said.
"Hymph," Callie mumbled.
"Are you sick?" Arizona asked suddenly.
Callie shook her head and slowly raised her gaze. "No, sorry. I didn't mean for you…I mean, I'm fine, I'm not sick."
"You look sick," Arizona said and fortunately, it came out gentler than the unfiltered manner that her brain probably intended.
"I'm really not," Callie said, finally bringing her eyes to meet Arizona's; they looked so incredibly dull and lifeless. "I used to eat when I was stressed but apparently not anymore. Good weight loss plan though."
"Seems unnecessary and a bit extreme," Arizona joked and it was mildly effective, eliciting a twitch of a smile. "You just look so different to when I last saw you," she added.
Callie shrugged. "I can't really believe that you got on a flight today and came here. You're not really worried about Sofia are you? I would never neglect her or anything, I hope you know that."
"It worked for me I think, to focus on her. But I'm not really worried about her, not when she's with you. You're a wonderful mother, you always have been."
"That's very generous," Callie said softly.
They were silent for a few moments, and Arizona again, tossed sentences around her head. "What can I help with?" she finally asked, prompting a slight startled jump from Callie. "Sorry," she added.
Callie shrugged. "You know I've thought a lot lately about how you do this…kind of how you have always been so polite or nice, even when we had separated. Each of those million times," she said, although Arizona rolled her eyes and shook her head. "No, really," Callie insisted. "I can be vindictive; in fact, I've been vindictive but you know, you never have."
"I think you're confusing me with someone else, Callie. Have you met me? I have been revolting to you at times."
"Oh I get that, and your stuff was heavy and full of crazy, but I mean when we weren't together. You never spoke badly of me, you never sabotaged anything for me; you didn't yell at me in hallways or across parking lots; you just didn't."
"I don't think you ever deserved my wrath, not really. And I was always sad, Callie. Not angry, just sad. I got angry at myself, but why would I get angry at you? Each time we broke up - what, was there like four times? I was still in love with you each time."
"Can't imagine why we didn't work," Callie said, scoffing. "Was it really four times?"
Arizona laughed awkwardly. "This seems like a bad memory lane to travel down."
"There was Africa," Callie said, "and your…ummm,"
"Affair? Yeah, I know. Worst moment of my life; worst decision of my life. You are forgetting the baby thing though, remember?" Arizona said, moving on quickly. She thought often about her choices made in the midst of grief and what she now knows to be some mental health issues, the anxiety and depression that she experienced after the trauma. The memory still made her stomach churn.
Callie nodded. "Yes, that's right. It was so early in our relationship and we were so good. It's strange to think now that it was a non negotiable."
"It was so important to you."
"You still tried to be so respectful at the hospital after that though, I remember being furious at your calmness. Which you were even calm after I walked out, literally, of the therapist's room."
"I wasn't calm, I was sad," Arizona described softly. "I take it that Penny hasn't been…calm?"
Callie tipped her head back to lean against the back of the sofa and she cast her eyes briefly to the ceiling. "I get that it was my call, but it feels nuts."
"It was your call?" Arizona prompted.
"Yup. Apparently I just break up with people all the time."
Hesitating, Arizona said, "I don't get it."
Callie sighed. "That was what she said, that I just screw with people who love me. Reminds me, daily actually, that I'm a dysfunctional, selfish bitch. She likes to remind me about how I walked out on you too."
"Because it was that simple, right? I think Penny would do well to just stick to commenting on her own relationship rather than ours. I think that's a good rule to live by."
"You know me, do you think that Penny and I were a good match? That we were good together?"
Arizona laughed lightly. "That seems like a loaded question and one where I should live by my own rule. Best not to comment on other people's relationships, particularly yours."
Tipping her glass, Callie drank the remaining wine and rubbed at her lips. She used to do that when she was nervous, Arizona noted, almost automatically. "I think I wanted to love her," Callie whispered, leaning forward to place her glass on the coffee table. She pressed at her eyes and drew in a breath. "That if I did, it would be all exciting and new and full of happiness. I think that I thought it would take me back to what we were like, at the start."
"It didn't?" Arizona asked, cocking her head to the side.
"Not even close. I was so stupid and naive; I just caused all this drama because I wanted something that was never going to work. I wanted her to be you - sort of. It got so messy."
"Callie, it's not surprising that you wanted to be back at that happy and exciting beginning stage. I was anything but that for three, probably four years."
"Penny was never going to be someone I could love, Arizona. It was stupid; I was stupid. You're far too forgiving."
"Did you deliberately deceive her?" Arizona asked, tucking her leg up under herself to face Callie, prosthetic leg stretched out over the edge of the sofa.
"I don't understand? No…no, I didn't deliberately set out to pretend to love her."
"Then what is it that you've done that was so bad? You were messed up, you made a mistake. But you didn't target her and consciously lie to her every day. What did you do when you started to figure it out?"
"I asked her to leave."
"Right, seems reasonable. She obviously hasn't responded well to that."
"She seems to think that I did deliberately do it. Or that I used her or something. I get that I hurt her, I do, I really get that. But Arizona, she's gone to my workplace and Sofia's school and she's told them I'm unwell. She texts that she hates me, all the time. She's told me that I shouldn't have Sofia and that she's going to get in contact with you and tell you how I'm dangerous and that Sofia needs protecting. I had made some friends here and she's turned them against me. I just don't understand, I didn't mean to upset her. I know that I did, but I'm sorry and I tried to convey that. And I thought that if Sofia went home to you then I would at least keep her from getting to you and Court already decided that you were the better mother and I didn't want you to believe Penny and think that I was a bad mom. And…"
Arizona stopped Callie then, reaching out to place a open hand over Callie's and the other to just lightly tap at her cheek. She let Callie breathe in a few deep calming breaths as tears ran down her cheeks. "Should I just address all of that one thing at a time?" Arizona said, smiling. She wanted to go back to a time where she could just wrap her arms around Callie and that would be enough. But time had passed and the negativity in Callie's words were profound and new to her. "Firstly, I will have to kick your arse if I ever hear you say that the Judge decided on who was the 'better' mother. If it was reversed Callie, do you think they would have allowed Sofia to go with me to New York? Not a damn chance, it was about keeping Sofia in her familiar environment and we were the ones stupid enough to even take it to Court. As if it was ever an argument of better parenting." Callie simply sniffled. "Can I get a nod to acknowledge that you have retracted that silly self deprecating statement?"
Callie offered a half smile and shrugged. Arizona felt a slight bit of pride at still being able to tread that line of tenderness and humour with her.
"Next, I have never questioned your parenting of Sofia. Ever. Do you hear me? Do you really think I would have believed your ex telling me that you were dangerous? Of all things? You have always been the most gentle, loving and child focussed mother to our daughter." Arizona squeezed Callie's hand in emphasis. "As for the behaviours of Penny, they are really inappropriate. Why haven't you blocked her number? Removed her from the school list? It's all very underhanded and designed to just cause you endless angst."
"Again, this is how naive I am, Arizona. You ruined me by being so God damn nice. I didn't expect her to do any of this stuff, I never predicted her next move."
"Has she stopped now?"
"She just said that she was going to be talking to you next. I think she's actually trying to make me go crazy. She hasn't been back to the school or my work, but I'm on leave from my position anyway."
"The text messages?"
"Every day or two."
"Well, that's at least easy. Next one and you just reply and say that you're blocking her immediately and do it. That's just ridiculous."
"Seems simple when you say it," Callie said.
"Of course, it's a million times easier for me, I'm not involved. And I'm not being kicked when I'm down, which is just awful. I wouldn't blame you if you were feeling pretty horrendous and a bit messed up." It was attempt she supposed, to open the door for Callie to talk about how she was actually managing. It was a difficult subject to bring up, it was easier to talk about the practicalities or the events of what was occurring rather than the associated emotions.
"It's strange, it all seems a bit easier or simpler maybe, now already. I don't know. I've been just so overwhelmed and immobilised. I didn't know what to do and felt so lost."
"Ah, now that I get," Arizona assured, "almost too well."
"And I miss you and I'm not meant to say that right? I made the final decision about us, and I'm not meant to miss you."
Arizona's head screamed, she had no idea of how to respond. "We've always been so complicated but still, there. It's been so different with you in New York." The art of saying something without saying anything, one of Arizona's strengths.
"Do you think, if I hadn't ended our marriage, that we could have worked?"
Arizona looked in Callie's dark brown eyes filled with tears and she wanted to give an honest answer, but she wasn't sure. "I'm not, completely sure to be honest with you, Calliope. I think we could have went either way, like we always have. But, there were things that we would have had to change and a lot of that was me. I needed help, I needed real help. I was really depressed, Callie, and I would have had to share that with you and have you along for the ride. Some of my plane crash stuff needed dealing with, if I had kept pretending to you and to me, that would have been disastrous."
"And me?"
"I think you would have needed to give up on the butterflies and fairy dust dream. As harsh as that sounds, I think you would have needed to learn to sit with the times that I couldn't see through the black clouds rather than trying to make them disappear all the time." Arizona earned a small nod. "And I would have needed to stop asking you to make promises that no one can make, all for my own warped sense of security."
"Weird isn't it, that I get some of that now. I get that when you're feeling that low, you can't just get up and feel different. It's not a choice. And promises just create more anxiety, more fear. Because we're not stupid, we know that we're trying to control the uncontrollable."
"I'm sorry," Arizona began softly, "that you've felt that. It's a really revolting place to be and I hate that you've been feeling that way." She sat back on the sofa and shifted her weight. "And Callie? I didn't answer you properly before, of course I miss you."
...
Arizona went back to the hotel that night, and the next night. And the one after that. They were a united front though, dropping Sofia off at school and picking her up. They tag teamed her homework and bath routine. Cooked dinner together with her and both listened to her competently work her way through her readers.
Penny had messaged predictably the day after Arizona had arrived and true to word, Arizona facilitated the brief response and consequential blocking of her number. She had texted Arizona too and tried to call, but the response Arizona gave certainly left no room for negotiation. She had done the damage now anyway, chipped away at Callie's self confidence, there was really no more purpose for a continued attack. Short of contacting the entire medical team at Sloan Grey, of which she had no fans anyway, she was out of options. She would disappear slowly now, into the past.
In a quiet cafe, Arizona sat opposite a forlorn Callie. "You seem quieter today," she observed gently.
Callie shrugged, "Sorry about that."
"I thought we were doing the talking thing at the moment," Arizona responded with a grin.
Callie chuckled. "You have no idea how much Sofia does that, I forget that she got it all from you. She can be completely in trouble or I'm giving her a big lecture and she just makes these statements that are completely unsubtle but so so playful. I just end up laughing, every time."
"Ah," Arizona said, "that's clearly my girl." She laughed. "What's going on in that head of yours?"
"Nothing, you know that," Callie said, but she earned a burrowed forehead in response. "Fine, a crapload of things."
"Hit me." Callie raised her eyebrows. "Not literally, but with the list," Arizona said, laughing.
"Oh I don't know. Just thinking about what is next, you'll be heading back west soon."
"When you're sick of me," Arizona responded, she was particularly settled and in a playful mood. And she had been enjoying the mundane routine of their last few days, it made her feel settled.
"That might be the problem, I've gotten very quickly used to you being here."
"Well you've spent the last few months doing everything on your own with Sofia, plus everything else. It makes sense."
"Don't be nuts, Arizona. It's you, I've become used to you again, not the sharing of responsibilities. I like having you by my side."
Arizona sighed. "I know, but we can't be spending our life doing this. I feel like we just ride a rollercoaster when it comes to us. And we have Sofia, she's older now and acutely aware of everything."
"We just keep coming back, over and over again. What does that even mean?"
"Hmmm," Arizona said, laughing, "I suspect it either means we're meant to be or, we're so dysfunctional that we keep coming back for more agonising drama."
"We haven't been impulsive…this time, anyway. I mean, we haven't been spending nights together or anything like that."
"Yeah, except you've been in crisis, let's not forget that little piece of the puzzle."
Callie nodded. "I know that, I do. I'm not proposing that we have some delusional belief that life is perfect or anything. Our world never is."
"I can't stay in New York, Callie. I can't move here."
"But I can come home."
"Home?"
"Well, home certainly isn't here."
"You get that that is a huge decision, don't you?"
"Even if it's not for us, I think, well, I think that it would be good for me to be back in Seattle."
"I agree completely," Arizona conceded, aware that she was being very non participatory in the decision making. "It would make me very happy to have you and Sofia back in Seattle."
"But?"
"But nothing really. We just need to talk this through properly, we have to be sure. You have to be sure. I always come back to you, but it's important that we get this right, this time. I'm done with the rollercoaster, I'm really really done." Her voice scratched as she emphasised, and she felt a rush of emotions. "I'm different Callie, I'm not the woman who used to skate down the hospital corridors, you can't want that person."
"The only thing I want from us, Arizona? Is openness and honesty, I've spent the last two years second guessing Penny all the time, every day. And before that, with us, we were so on and off with our communication. But do you know what you did last night?" Arizona shrugged. "You took off your leg. You took it off and grumbled that it was annoying you, hurting you and you kept it off for hours."
"Mmmmm?"
"That's a big deal for me, you never would have done that."
"Well, you haven't seen me throw it across the room yet and yell at it like it's a living thing." Callie laughed lightly. "Don't laugh, it's true. I've done it at least three times."
"Like you used to yell at the politicians on TV like they could hear you."
"Yup, still do that too." Arizona knew she was being fairly neutral, distancing herself as a way of self protection. She was fighting the arguments in her head, rationalising and justifying whichever action she took. But she wasn't being open or honest, the two things that Callie was being and then some. "I still have nightmares, you know," she said softly and Callie's eyes locked onto hers. "I wake up, screaming, completely gross and sweaty. And I take drugs to get on a plane or after I happen to accidentally hit a channel that is showing that stupid aircraft disaster show. I was walking along a street a few months ago and a car hit a pole and the sound of the metal messed with my head. I have this complete memory gap until there was a paramedic holding an oxygen mask up to my face. Occasionally, when I have days off, I spend them all in bed. I cry for an entire day and I feel like I don't want to keep trying. And then I wake up and I feel okay. No one has had to share that with me, Callie, and I've made sure of that. I haven't been a nun, don't think that, but if we choose to do this then you will. I can't and I won't hide anymore, if and when I'm in another relationship whether that's you or someone else. My therapist would kill me if I did, anyway," she added with a small smile.
"I tried being with someone who was all smiles, every day. But there was no substance, no character. I would talk about a case and she would just say that it wasn't our life so it didn't matter. I would get fired up or emotional and she just looked at me like I was an alien, and, she was the weird one in the end. But Arizona it was never your emotions or experiences that I was afraid of, it was the way you hid them from me. That scared the crap out of me, because it meant you got further and further away from me. I always wanted to be by your side and I guess that I wanted you better but I didn't understand that better could just mean different."
"I felt so much pressure to be the old me, I crumbled under it."
"I know, I do. We didn't manage any of it well."
"I worry Callie, that we will just hurt each other again. And Sofia in the process."
"I'm reluctant to avoid it just because it could hurt. I'm still not that person, I jump."
Arizona nodded slowly and tipped her head to the side, tears filling her eyes. "Then jump. Come home."
Fin.