I do not own South Park. All characters and lines from the episode in this story belong to the wonderful talented Matt Stone and Trey Parker.
Cartman's POV
Kyle has some nerve. I have AIDS! Fucking AIDS! I am very ill and going through a rough time and he finds that funny? Seriousleh, what the fuck? I'm dying. I wanted to punch all those perfectly, straight, white, teeth out of that Jew's shit-eating grin. And what the hell was up with all that hysterical laughing? What an asshole! I would never have laugh at Kyle if he accidentally got aids by getting his tonsils out. No. Wait. Yes, I would. Now that would be fucking hilarious.
He's not the only one who doesn't seem to give a shit about my illness. The people, who claimed I pulled pranks on them, bullied, harassed or ruined their lives some kind of way reacted the same way. A few laughed when they heard the news. But no one has laughed harder or louder than Kyle. The only people that came to my AIDS benefit were my mum and that fag Jimmy Buffet. I thought at least, Kyle of all people would care. He's always been the one that always showed kindness and caring to everyone and was always there for his friends and all that gay shit.
I guess I kinda deserve it. I have prayed that Kyle would get AIDS like a million times in the past. I've never would of thought my prayers would backfire and bite me in the ass really hard. Well, tonight, karma is going to bite Kyle in the ass really hard. I planned my revenge by sneaking into that son of a bitch's room and inject a needle with my HIV infested blood into his. At last, my prayers will be answered and I would get the last laugh tomorrow. I can't wait to see how he's going to react. Please God, make Kyle cry tomorrow. That would be the ultimate Christmas present for me.
Of course, like in most of my evil plans, I needed Butter's help. Why? Because I have no choice. Butters is the only person in this town retarded enough to go along with what I do or say even it's bullshit. He's like a stupid puppy. He follows me around and does whatever the hell I tell him to do. Even though I always make fun and put him in a lot of deep shit (literally) he still think we're best friends. I know, pathetic right? The only thing I like about Butters is that he's so easy to manipulate. Like today, I told him that if he didn't help me tonight he was gonna go to hell for not helping a person out with AIDS. He was afraid that he was going to get grounded if his parents found out. Poor Butters. His parents ground him over the dumbest shit. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.
So here we are in Kyle's backyard, sneaking in the middle of the night putting my latest evil scheme into action.
"Oh, uh okay it's clear." Butters said as got out of the bushes. "All right, get that rope ready to hoist me up." I commanded as we headed towards the glass sliding door.
"Okay, but…what are you going to do?" Butters asked.
"Kahl thinks HIV is funny, so we're going to make him look funny, then he'll know how it feels to be laughed at." I explained. I love how I always stretched Kyle's name whenever I say it.
"I just eh…well I don't know if I should be helping you make Kyle look silly." Butters replied. God, he's such a pussy, it's not even funny. "Butters, helping people with AIDS is one of the most important things you can do." I told him. "I know, but are you sure Kyle has to be taught a lesson?" Butters asked again.
"I'm not just sure, Butters, I've HIV-positive." I don't see what's so wrong about this. I'm giving Kyle what he deserves. He needs to be taught a lesson and what better way for him to learn it is by me giving it to him personally. I've been giving this lesson to people many times. That lesson is: Don't ever fuck with Eric Theodore Cartman.
"Oh yeah, uh well I guess that's true." Butters said, finally agreeing with me.
"All right, now get the rope up over that third rafter above the window; that's the easiest access." I told him again, getting impatient.
"Wow, you really know what you're doing." Butters complimented.
"Yeah, I sneaked into Kahl's room lots of times." I admitted. Why the hell are you guys looking at me like that? It's not as creepy as it sounds. I only sneak in there so I find something embarrassing or a really deep, dark secret I could use as blackmail. Kyle always acts like he's so goddamn perfect. He has to have slipped up at least one time. There's nothing I would love more than to torture Kyle. Just the thought of having that much control over him always puts a smile on my face. Unfortunately, I didn't have any luck finding anything. I couldn't find even one little bad picture of him. Kyle always takes good pictures. Wait a minute. Did I just compliment the Jew? You didn't hear that.
When I got to Kyle's window I stopped and gently opened the window. I quietly step inside the window and tiptoe into Kyle's bedroom. His room hasn't change since I first set foot in his house. I knew this room probably better than my own. I knew where every dresser, drawer, shelves and nightstand was placed. I knew where he kept his Xbox, video games, DVDs, CDs, books, t-shirts, pants, socks, briefs, boxers, etc. Oh, shut the fuck up! That does not make me some gay stalker! I told you I only know this because I been in his room a thousand times to find some fucking dirt on that fucking goody-two shoes, self-righteous, uptight, annoying, nerdy lame ass Jew rat.
Speaking of the devil… I see Kyle asleep on his bed, I've got to admit, the Jew's more pleasant when he's asleep. I don't hear that girly high-pitched voice of his. I don't hear him pushing his stupid morals on everyone (especially me) or hear any of his gay speeches. And above all, I don't hear him calling me 'fatass' (which I'm not!)
I move closer and closer to Kyle and all of a sudden I forget the reason why I'm even in here. My mind goes completely blank when I saw Kyle. Watching Kyle sleep puts me into some type of trance. He's wearing those navy blue Terrance & Phillip PJs, his body is twisted up in his blankets, except for his leg which are sprawled out. His chest slowly rose up and down and his mouth was hanging. Of course, he was wearing that retarded green hat of his. No one in South Park has a hat like his. He always fucking wears that thing. Even in his sleep! When he dies he would probably want to be buried with it. I wish he didn't wear that ugly hat over such beautiful hair. I don't see why he so ashamed of it.
Without thinking I knock the green piece of shit off his head. Kyle's fiery red hair is free. I can't help but to touch it. I twirled each yummy hot, spicy, red curl. His locks bounced off as I let go of them between my fingers. My eyes wonder to Kyle's lips. Those luscious pink lips are parted like he's about to say something and his tongue is almost visible. All that's missing is my tongue. Kyle is so hot when he's asleep. Just like sleeping Beauty.
Jesus tap-dancing Christ! Did I just think that Kyle was hot! Jews can't be hot! I can't be attracted to a Jew! Eric, you hate Jews, remember? You are a Neo-Nazi! When you grow up you're going to become the next Hitler. Now, stop lusting over Kyle and start your fucking scheme already! What was it again? Whoa… why does my wiener funny? I feel like my nuts are going to explode. Holy shit. I think I'm having a boner for Kyle! Oh my God. Does that mean I'm gay? I don't have a problem being gay, but why do I have to be gay for Kyle fucking Brofvloski?
So wait…that means all the times that I've ripped on Kyle for being Jewish, argued with him, tricked him, humiliated him, and even went extreme lengths for him to suck my balls then imagined him doing it was because I was subconsciously in love with him? No fucking way! I fucking hate Kyle! I only did those things because I enjoy seeing him pain, hurt, angry, or humiliated. I'm NOT gay! Especially not over Kyle! I'm NOT a fag! And I'm definitely, fucking absolutely, HIV-positive that I'm NOT in love with him!
Aw fuck it! Who am I kidding? Look at him! He's so goddamn sexy. Besides, I'm horny as a motherfucker. God, Jesus, Adolf Hitler, Mel Gibson…please forgive me for what I'm about to do.
I leaned closer to his face and my body is almost touching his. I could feel his heart. His heartbeat was pretty normal unlike mine which was pounding 90 beats per minute. Not because I was infatuated, because I was scared he might wake up. The last time I was this close to his face, we were in a cave, he was asleep and I crawled over to him and got really close to his face. He woke up and it one really awkward moment. I can't resist, I pressed my lips gently against his.
When I kissed Kyle it felt like I released all the emotions and feelings that kept inside for as long as I can remember. Like a huge, heavy weight was lifted off of me. I slowly slipped my tongue inside Kyle's mouth. No kind of cake, pie, cookie, brownie, or ice cream could come close as being as delicious Kyle's tongue. Sugar never ever was this sweet. This is the kind of taste that I would die for! Damn, this makes me want to give up food forever and taste Kyle's tongue everyday for all three meals! I'm really shocked that Kyle didn't wake up. Kyle is one heavy ass sleeper. As I begin to stroke every inch of his tongue to savor the moment, a familiar, irritating, voice makes it come to an abrupt screeching halt.
"ERIC, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING TO KYLE!"
Oh shit! I jumped off Kyle faster than I jumped off anything before. I fall over backwards and hit my ass on the hard floor. Ow!
A billion thoughts ran through my head when I saw Butters' flabbergasted expression inside the window. His eyes were fucking wide as saucers as he was staring at me. Butters was retarded, but he could put two and two together.
"Butters, if you tell anybody what you've just seen, I will kidnap you, drug you so you can pass out, and then slit open your abdomen to remove your entrails and other organs, and then decapitate your head and neatly divide your body into four pieces with my hacksaw." I whisper, but you could hear the venom dripping on my voice.
"Haaaaaaaah!" Butters screams, gets his head out of the window and climbs back down. After all that, Kyle hasn't even stirred once. Kyle isn't like Sleeping Beauty. He is Sleeping Beauty. I feel myself about swear the loudest God fucking damnit I ever swore but I managed to stop myself because I didn't want to take any chances waking Kyle up or worse have that ugly, fat cunt he calls a mother come running in here like a bat out of hell seeing what's going on with her bubbie's'room. (Seriousleh, what kind of pet name is that?)
I've said it once and I'll say it again. I really hate Butters. He just had to ruin the most wonderful moment in my entire life. I should kill his parents, cut them up and grind them into chilli then feed them to him just for that.
Speaking of revenge, I remember the reason why I this whole thing happened. I reach into my backpack and pull out a syringe. Then I roll up my left sleeve and whisper "You think HIV is something to be laughed at Kahl? Well…let's see just how funny it is, asshole." I draw some blood into it and drop the blood into Kyle's mouth.
After I silently snuck out of there, I ran very quickly, worried that my dick might fall off for being too hard.
There it is my very first attempt at writing Kyman. If you can call it that. I don't know if it's semi-slash, mild slash, or fluffy. I'll let you guys decide that when you review.
P.S: If it's not too much to ask, please read and review my other new story, The Hazel Eyed Blonde Devil. Pretty please with chocolate syrup, Oreos, and whipped cream on top!