Notes: So I've finally got to release the main part of this story. You can read the prequel if you feel like it. It'd give you some context. But those two stories are not related much, aside from explaining what's going on with Kasamatsu plus a couple plot references.
Three more chapters are already mostly written (still needs polishing though, will post within a few days). But there might be more than that later. Or not.
Warning: lots of dialogs and plot reasoning before anything happens. Sorry, but that's how I write. I tried to keep those two in character as much as I could... within the basic concept that Kasamatsu is closeted gay and Kise is straight... more or less. Meaning, they can't just go "oh hey, let's have sex – ye sure, why not". No, first there's going to be walls of text explaining why would it happen.
But I'll try to split the less-talk-more-action chapters separately, so those who's mostly after the hot guys doing each other could see where to slow down the scrolling.
Warning #2: Sorry, but no fixed top/bottom pairing here. If it really turns you off, better find something else. I'm sure there's no shortage of that elsewhere. But here... They're dudes, they have their dude things... they're gonna use those things... on each other.
Warning #3: There's no romantic relationship here either. As aromantic myself, I can't really help that. If you can't read sex scenes without characters confessing their love to each other, using pet names, being jealous to every shadow, dating and planning to marry and have kids... again, you know what to do already.
PS: Please keep in mind that I feed on kudos and comments. :D Also apologizing for grammar and probably a bit too repetitive language: I'm not native to English. Would appreciate any corrections. Oh, and I'm 100% positive to any kind of criticism, even the "u suck" kind.
This afternoon Kise woke up only thanks to a persistent buzz of the doorbell. He was in no mood to see anyone, so the initial plan was to pretend he wasn't at home. Again. Well, it worked last few times. Unfortunately this time it didn't seem to work at all. Whoever was behind that door kept pushing that buzzer again and again... and again. Oh, and again...
The young man rolled from side to side, covering his head with a pillow, and closed his eyes, trying to endure the buzzing. He has spent most of the last three days in bed. Naked, accompanied only by a notebook and a pile of snacks. And no, there wasn't any naked girls sleeping nearby. None of it was anything like a common behavior for Kise. But right now that's all he could do. After all, he had a perfectly legit reason. He's lost his first serious game.
The buzzing didn't stop, however. At first it was repeating at uneven intervals, slowly shifting to pretty accurate once-per-second pattern, then shifted again. Eventually it seemed like whoever was doing it tried to match some melody's rhythm. Kise gave up by the time he could guess a Titanic tune out it.
"Ok, fine, you win," he said discontentedly, trying to remember where's his cloth. As expected, it was lying where he left it about two days ago: on the floor next to the bathroom door. He finally got to the door, still trying to get into his T-shirt and pants from old uniform. He didn't bother with underwear.
"What?" Kise asked in his most irritated voice while opening the door, even before he got to see who that annoying visitor is. The next thing he saw, however, was someone's fist flying his way, smacking him quite harshly on the jaw. Probably not hard enough to leave the mark on his face, but enough to make him take a step back. It didn't took him long to guess who it belonged to.
"Good morning, you too, senpai," said Kise sarcastically, but in rather flat voice. He was looking at Kasamatsu, who already stepped in and closed the door behind him without waiting for invitation.
"Oh, is it?!" Kasamatsu snapped. Without any doubt, he was angry, giving Kise a grim glare. "What the fuck are you doing, Kise? It's been three days. Three. Fucking. Days," he pressed on, pointing a finger to Kise's chest on every word. "You've left without telling anyone where you're going. Locked yourself up in here. You didn't show up for the team meeting after the game. Turned off your phone, explained nothing to no one. Not me, not other guys, not even our trainer!"
Kise kept listening, looking slightly surprised, but not reacting all that much. "Senpai... were you worried about me?" he asked distantly. It sounded more like a statement than a question.
"Worried? Worried?!" Kasamatsu shouted. "Do you realize none of us had any idea what happened to you ever since that game? For all I know, you could've already been dead, rotting in some sewers. Trainer was about to call your parents earlier today, but I told him not to get them worried. Made him believe that I know for sure you're at home and ok. Yes, I had to lie to cover your ass, Kise. I couldn't know for sure you were here because you pretended to be away each time I tried to visit. I only guessed you must be there when I noticed that feint light of your laptop from the window last night."
"Sorry, I didn't meant to cause troubles," he replied in apologizing tone, but somehow it didn't felt sincere. He still looked mostly emotionless. Still, he got a bit surprised to hear Kasamatsu was looking at his window at night. Now why would he do that? Was he really that worried?
"You're upset because we lost to Toyo. I get it. Boohoo, cry me a river," Kasamatsu continued, posing fake crying. Then he snapped abruptly again, "GET. OVER. IT."
"But senpai, I'm not upset," Kise tried to parry, "or maybe I was upset at first. But right now it's not... it's hard to explain. I don't think you'll understand."
Senpai walked deeper into the living room, then stopped in the middle, a few steps from the couch. He turned back to Kise, who followed him. "Try me," he replied sharply, crossing his arms on the chest.
"You see..." Kise started to explain slowly, taking a pause each few words. At first he was facing Kasamatsu, but he couldn't stand still for long, taking a few steps back and forth across the room. "I kind of accepted that we lost, ok. But... Ever since that game I don't feel... I just don't feel. I'm not even sure I feel bad anymore," Kise sighed and shrugged his shoulders. He looked a bit sad, but even that didn't felt quite sincere. "That day I returned home, thinking about... how I failed you all... how we lost our only chance because I just wasn't good enough, not strong enough... I felt guilty for letting you down," he said, finally stopping and focussing his eyes on Kasamatsu. "Especially you, Kasamatsu-senpai... because you're our captain and this is your last year and..."
Until now Kasamatsu was listening, his eyebrows lowered sullenly, but stayed silent. But hearing the last phrase suddenly made him visibly furious. Kise got no chance to finish what he was trying to say. He was interrupted with a punch to his face on the right side. And it wasn't one of those senpai-being-his-usual-self punches. It was a serious hit. Even if it wasn't done at full strength, it was actually painful, leaving a burning red mark.
The hit made him take a step back, hitting the couch behind him. He lost the balance, falling on his back. At least, it was soft. For a moment he just stared at Kasamatsu, lying on that couch, startled. He reached to hold the sore cheek with right hand. Yukio wasn't looking back at him, his head lowered. Suddenly, the blond smiled... but there was something wrong about that smile. It didn't look good.
"Is that the best you can do, senpai?" he asked in provocative tone. Both his legs were still on the floor, but Kise didn't attempt to stand up, only shifting his body slightly to align the couch. "I'm disappointed. I was sure punching is what you do best. But I barely felt it."
Kasamatsu finally looked back at Kise, surprised for a moment. He still was angry, though. Apparently, that blunt provocation was enough right now.
"Oh, you want more? Here, let me help you," he said, taking a step closer to Kise, then grabbed him on the front of his T-shirt with right hand. He pulled Kise up, forcing him to support his weight on both elbows, and made another hit with left fist. He tried to apply even more force now, but still obviously not aiming to seriously injure his friend.
"Was that even a hit? Or did you just tried to pet me?" Kise asked acrimoniously, not even reaching to his face this time. He was smiling, but his eyes still looked dull.
Kasamatsu snarled, getting even closer. This time he pressed his right knee against the edge of the couch right next to Kise's hip to get a better leverage. Then proceeded with three more hits, using both hands, barely restricting himself at all. He was breathing heavily now.
Kise didn't reply this time, only wiping his lip with a finger. There was a bit of blood, probably seeping from the inner side of his cheek. He wasn't smiling anymore, though still nowhere near his usual self.
"Oi, Kise..." Kasamatsu looked bewildered, staring at Kise while still hovering above him on one knee, now taking a hold on the couch's backrest with his left hand. "What's this all about? This... Why do you look like... like you want me to hurt you? What..."
"I just... wanted to feel something. Anything. I tried to explain before you got all worked up like that," said Ryouta in flat tone. He relaxed his back, lying all the way down, now staring at the ceiling. His face was burning with pain, taste of blood filling his mouth. But Kise didn't mind it. "Ever since I got home that day, I felt like... crying. But I couldn't get myself to cry... or to get angry, or anything. I tried to sleep more, but it didn't help. Then I tried to distract myself watching silly cartoons, then with... other things. But it just didn't work. It's not getting any better. It's like I'm stuck..." he finally looked back on Kasamatsu, who has been listening to him without any clear expression on his face. "So when you hit me, I thought... maybe if I get hurt enough, I would actually..."
"You dumbass," Kasamatsu interrupted him in unusually calm and quiet voice. "This is not how you do it."
He grabbed Kise on the T-shirt again, but this time only to pull him up until he was sitting on the couch, his legs still on the floor. Meanwhile he shifted to sit on the same spot where Kise was lying on before. Yukio grabbed him over the neck and pulled closer, tilting the young man towards himself slightly. Then tightly grasped him with both arms around his chest, letting Kise's head to rest on his shoulder.
"Senpai..." Kise was surprised a bit, but didn't resist. He didn't help in any way, either, just sitting there motionless.
"I said this to you before, and I'll say it again," Kasamatsu started in a calm, but serious tone. "This is not your responsibility that we lost. It's mine. You're our ace, Kise. Not captain. Stop trying to steal my responsibility from me just because you needed a reason to get yourself on a guilt-trip. I accepted that burden along with this position, and I have no intent to give it away. Not to you, not to anyone else. Don't you dare to feel guilty instead of me. It's not you who should be depressed right now. You have no reason and no right to be. I have. And I am," he said almost in a whisper, close to Kise's ear.
Kasamatsu proceeded, considerably more emotional now, but still calm, "Can't cry, huh? Well, I could. I nearly cried my eyes out back there at the locker-room, only hoping no one would return to see me like that. And it wasn't the only time I cried since then. I couldn't help it, no matter how I tried. Because, unlike you, I had a reason to feel guilty. Our team has lost under my lead, because of my mistakes. And that really hurts. But not like you give a flying fuck about what I feel, do you, Kise," he said, almost spitting last phrase, which didn't sound like a question at all. It was a clear statement.
Yukio didn't raise his voice a single time through all his speech, but it still felt rather heavy and pressuring. Kise was listening with blank eyes until the very end, when his eyes finally started to get wet.
"I'm sorry, sen..." Ryouta couldn't finish the sentence, breaking in tears. He tried to hold back at first, grabbing with both hands on Kasamatsu's shirt on his back. But it became impossible after Yukio reached out to his head and gently stroke his hair. Kise has lost it completely, now wailing like a little kid while heavily hanging on his senpai.
It lasted for a few minutes. At some point, intentionally or not, Kise shifted too much weight on Kasamatsu, forcing him down until he was lying on his back with only couch's armrest supporting his head. Kise, still crying, followed him down, ending up lying on his side between Kasamatsu and the couch's backrest. The couch was barely wide enough to fit them both like that. Kasamatsu was stretched on the very edge of it, and would've probably fall off if not for Kise, who was still grasping on senpai's shirt, completely wet from tears by now. Kasamatsu didn't say a word the whole time, and didn't try to stop Kise from pushing him down. He looked concerned, but understood there was little he could do about it now.
Slowly, Kise calmed down and relaxed, breathing steadily. His head rested upon Yukio's chest, facing towards their legs, right arm bent around his torso. His eyes were red and face quite swollen from crying, as well as beating. Kasamatsu intentionally didn't look at him until now, staring at the ceiling.
"You know what this reminds me of, senpai?" Kise asked suddenly, his voice still rough and disobedient.
Kasamatsu only snorted, but it was clear he knew what Kise was referring to.
"Only now it's the other way around... you trying to comfort me..." the blond continued, but was interrupted.
"...and you being the cry-baby this time," Kasamatsu tried to finish his phrase. It made Kise smile, sniffing his nose.
"At least you had a good reason to be. And I'm just being selfish idiot. You're right," he turned his head up to look at Kasamatsu, which made him finally look back at Kise. Some leftover tears were still falling from his eyes, "I'm sorry, senpai. I really mean it this time. Not just about losing the game. For only caring about how I feel and not thinking of anyone else... of you." It sounded much more sincere and emotional this time. Enough to believe that Kise actually got better now, despite not looking too well.
Kasamatsu was silent for a couple seconds, not breaking eye contact. "Save it. Just make sure you fix it," he tried to reply in his usual tone, though it still sounded somewhat warmer than he intended.
"I'll do my best," smiled Kise and relaxed even more, lowering his head again and tightening his grip on senpai's chest. For a few minutes they both went silent.