What if that fateful kiss in Eclipse between Bella and Jacob changed everything? What if Bella decided that Jacob was the one she wanted to be with forever?
How can you experience something so blissful, yet feel so horrible inside? My kiss with Jacob was something you dreamed about; full of passion and left you yearning for more. I felt horrible as I laid here in this tent, wishing that I could be buried in snow and never have to deal with what was to come. Yes, I loved Jacob-very much so as I had just realized, but there was still Edward. How do you love somebody with every fiber of your being and realize you love someone else just the same? Life was cruel.
Just then I felt Edward's cool hand touch my head. I didn't move. I wanted to lay here forever and be forgotten and never have to deal with my feelings, but I knew that was impossible because Edward would sit here with me for eternity. It broke my heart to know that I could ever love somebody as much as I loved Edward, I never thought it possible. But my life in Forks for the past year and a half should have told me that nothing was impossible. I peeked out from under my hair to look at Edward's face. He looked distant and I could tell he was reading Seth's mind, and I was never more grateful that he couldn't read mine.
"Oh." That was all he could say. I was a monster! Yet, for some reason I couldn't help but feel like this needed to happen. I needed him to see the cause of what was about to happen. I sat up and looked into his beautiful golden eyes. Eyes that were capable of melting me to my core, stop my brain from functioning right, but sitting here looking into his eyes now did not bring those same sensations and I knew immediately. I felt disgusted with myself but I had always known that eventually I was going to have to make a decision; I was going to have to hurt somebody.
"Edward," I started but could not make the words come. "Edward I…"
"It's ok love, I'm not angry with you, although I do wish you hadn't asked him."
What? I was taken aback by his words at first, and then I realized, he thought I was apologizing! If my heart could rip any further it probably would at this very moment. I had an instant reaction to reach out and console him but that would not make anything easier, it would just make what I was about to do a lot harder.
"Edward, I can't do this anymore." His face fell and he immediately became a frozen statue. There was a few seconds of awkward silence and I knew that he meant for me to continue. "I have been so selfish these past few months by trying to keep both you and Jacob in my life. I realize that I've hurt you by trying to remain friends with him, even though I know he wants more. I realize that I've hurt you by going behind your back to see him, and I know what you just saw and I am so deeply sorry for hurting you. But you have to realize…you hurt me too."
If vampires could cry, I seriously believe that Edward Cullen would have done just that. His face looked so tortured, like he'd been punched in the gut and was trying to hold in his pain.
"When you left, I tried so hard to put it behind me and move on because you said it was best for me. For months I didn't think it would get any better, that I would just continue to live in some zombie-like trance for the rest of my life, and then came Jacob." He closed his eyes at the sound of Jacob's name and I could tell it killed him to hear me say this to him, to remind him of a time that was so painful for him as well. "Jacob was there for me through all of that, and it's taken me all of this time to finally realize…that I love him.
I could only stare at the ground for fear of really looking at his face. He continued to be as still as stone and the silence began to suffocate me; I wasn't sure how long we would sit here like this. I was actually more surprised that he was still here, that he hadn't ripped the tent into shreds and taken off. Then finally, he broke the silence.
"I know that I have done you wrong Bella, and it kills me to know what I put you through when I left. I vowed that I would never leave your side again as long as you still wanted me here. As much as I do believe that a life with Jacob would be better for you, I am utterly confused because…you said yes."
I was instantly filled with so much guilt as I thought about how I had said yes to his proposal the other night. I had been so happy to think that I would have Edward to myself forever, but now I just kept thinking of the vision I had seen while kissing Jacob. I wanted to grow old with somebody and have children, and that's exactly what Jacob could give me.