Okay I don't own Gilbert Grissom, although I'd like to! There is no profit here for me except the pleasure I derive from exploring this complex character. Hope you enjoy the journey. Please read and review. My ego need nourishment.

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It was a hot afternoon; unseasonably hot in LA. Nine year old Gil Grissom was stretched out on the floor in front of the tv, watching his favorite cartoons. In fifteen minutes the 'Three Stooges' would be on. He liked the Stooges, they made him laugh. His father came in from work, a little earlier than usual. "Hey buddy, what are you watching?' he asked in his gentle tone. Gil looked up long enough to see his father stretch out on the couch, kicking off his shoes. "Just cartoons. But the Stooges come on soon." He turned back to the tv.

A few minutes passed and Gil was absorbed in the antics of his favorite trio. Moe and Curly were at it again. Laughing, Gil turned to share the fun with his father. At first glance, the boy thought the man had fallen asleep. But something looked wrong to the observant youngster and he crawled closer for a better look. He sat next to his dad for a moment and realized that he wasn't breathing. Gil sprang from his spot and ran into the kitchen to get his mother. She followed him into the living room. Touching her husbands face, she screamed. To young Gil it was the loudest, most heart wrenching scream he thought he would ever hear. He ran next door for help and a few minutes later an ambulance arrived. Help was too late, of course. "So that's what death looks like," the boy muttered to himself.

The funeral was three days later. Gil suffered through all the well wishers and cheek pinchers. He thought if no one ever touched him again it would be too soon. The priest was there, Father Mike. He tried to console Gil's mother but the man had never taken the time to learn even the most simple signs so that he could communicate with her. She read lips, but Gil watched in frustration as the cleric refused to look at her face so that she could understand. Then he moved his attention to Gil, mumbling something about his father in purgatory and hopefully he would be out soon. Later Gil read his Bible from cover to cover. He found many comforting words there but nothing about purgatory. None of that mattered to Gil. His father was a good man and when the time came, he would be with God. Gil vowed that he would grow up to be a good man so he could go be with his dad.

Others had tried to comfort Gil and his mom. Mostly they just made the two feel worse. By the end of the day, Gil found himself weaving through the mourners trying to protect his mom from their care. She was very tired, he could tell, and their attentions only made her worse. His uncle patted him on the back. "Well Gil, your mother's going to need your help now more than ever. You'll have to help her handle the business things...making her phone calls and such. You'll have to be her voice when others don't want to take the time to listen to her. Guess you're the man of the house now." Nine year old Gil didn't think he was ready to be a man just yet. He still had a lot of boy stuff to do. His dad had told him that just last week.

That night, for the first time in his life, he was glad his mother was deaf. He was confident that she couldn't hear his crying or his screams of anger. Why had his father died? Why couldn't anyone tell him? He made another vow to himself that when he grew up, he would find the answers so that other sons and daughters could know why.

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Gil had never been particularly outgoing. He was apparently a lot like his father, who had been absorbed in his study of botany; more interested in his plants than people. Added to his natural reticence was the complication of having a deaf mother. Gil never really saw her as handicapped. She was a very confident, competant woman. But on the rare occassions when he did invite a classmate over, her deafness seemed to scare them. He couldn't understand their reactions; to him it was just a normal part of life. But to a boy in middle school being different is deadly. And Gil was definatly different. It wasn't that he didn't want friends; they just didn't seem to want him. So he spent most of his time pursuing his favorite pasttime, hunting bugs. Consequently, at a time when most early teens are learning to be social, Gil Grissom was driven more into himself. If he participated in anything with the other kids it was on the fringe of a group, there but unseen. He didn't mind. He really didn't like most of them anyway.

Then one day in the eighth grade, he discovered girls. Well, one in particular. Laura Smythe was introduced to the class. Her family had just moved there. The teacher asked that all the kids try to meet her and make her feel welcome. Normally Gil ignored such requests but she was different. She had beautiful chestnut colored hair and chocolate brown eyes that seemed huge to him. She was kind of skinny but that didn't matter to him; it was love at first sight. He made a point of being next to her in the lunch line. And he followed her all the way through the row of tables until she sat down next to Paula Martin. Paula was one of the cool kids so Gil kept walking. He spent the afternoon watching her every move. She was the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen.

Gil floated through the next week, alternating between agony and ecstacy. Sometimes she seemed to notice him and once she even smiled at him. He had tried to speak to her but couldn't think of anything to say. Then she walked off with her new freinds before he could say anything. Gil wished he was better at this. He watched Greg Nelson, the coolest guy in the class. All the girls liked him. But somehow Gil just couldn't picture himself saying the stuff Greg said. Actually Gil couldn't picture himself saying much at all.

One afternoon, while they were waiting for their buses, Gil saw a butterfly. It was a Monarch. He captured it in his hand and walked over to Laura and held out his hands. "I ...want to show you something," he said. He opened his hands to let the butterfly escape. She watched in fascination as it fluttered away. Smiling she looked at him. He found his courage and ventured further, "It's beautiful; like you." Her eyes warmed at his comment but the other girls were giggling. Quietly she mouthed a "Thank you."

Young Romeo was sustained for another week on her simple response. He searched the fields around his house until he found a cocoon. The next afternoon he gave it to her. "If you keep it in a warm, dry place a butterfly will emerge," he told her. "It is a beautiful sight when it comes out and dries it's wings and then flies away."

She took the cocoon and held it tenderly. Then Paula came up. "Ewwwww, Bugboy is trying to contaminate you or something. That is so gross." She knocked it out of Laura's hand and it rolled into the sewer. Laura looked at Gil and said, "I'm sorry.' She really did look sorry so he believed her.

He saved his money for weeks to buy her something special. Finally, when he had enough, he went to the gift shop near his mom's work and bought it. The sales lady admired his choice as she wrapped it for him. "What a beautiful butterfly," she commented. "I wonder how they get it to stay so beautiful in the water globe like that. It really is stunning."

Gingerly he carried it to school the next day and put it in his locker. That morning in English class, he stopped Laura and asked her to meet him at her locker after school. He told her he had something special for her. She agreed and promised she wouldn't forget. He was nervous all day. He really hoped she would like his gift.

The bell rang for the end of the day. He rushed to his locker and retrieved her gift and then hurried to hers. He waited and waited for her but she never came. Finally he walked out of the door to see if he could find her. She stood by her bus, holding hands with Greg Nelson. Gil's shoulders slumped as he headed for his bus.

That night he cried almost as much as he had the night of his father's funeral. Why wasn't he good enough for someone like her? Thirty some odd years later, the wrapped gift still sat on the back of Gil Grissom's closet shelf.

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Gil had managed to stay invisible all through high school. It had been his choice. An opportunity came up for him to work at the coroner's office, doing autopsies on animals and generally helping out. He found that he got along much better with the people there than his classmates. He liked the work and began to think of a career along those lines. His main interest was still bugs.

He choose to stay close to home for college so that he could keep his job. He studied Biology and between testing out of several classes and taking summer courses, he graduated three semesters ahead of schedule. It ws then that he went ot work for the coroner's office full time. Not satisfied with his B.S. however, he dove into graduate studies and choose entomology. It was during this exciting time that he met Carol Monroe. She was a fellow student in the Biology Department; however, her interest in the subject was very different than his. She delighted in teaching him some of the aspects of human biology that he hadn't yet experienced. He had been very shy at first about the whole thing, realizing quickly that there was a huge experience gap. But she seemed to enjoy his innocence and teaching him how to better satisfy her. Once again Gil fell in love. After six months of their very physical relationship, he brought up the subject of marraige. "Why would I marry you?" she'd asked incrediously. "I mean, you're a good time between the sheets and all, but...no way." Once again, Gil had been crushed.

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Years later, Gil was restless and wanting to do something different. The Crime Lab in Las Vegas had inquired to see if he would be interested in a job there. He'd moved out of the coroner's office and into forensics field work several years earlier and had established a good reputation. Vegas was trying to become the best lab in the country and they wanted him. After some consideration, he decided that this was the change he needed. He packed his stuff, kissed his mother good bye and headed off to Sin City.

His first week there, he was assigned to a case at a place called the Kit-Kat Club. The case had been fairly routine but while there he'd met a very intriguing young woman. She couldn't have been more than twenty one or twenty two and she had the most beautiful face he'd ever seen. As one of the dancers, she also had some other very nice features. He was off the next night and decided to go to the club to watch her dance. In fact, he spent every evening he could at the club watching her. He was mezmerized. She saw him coming back, time after time and was confused when he never approached her. Finally one night she finished and ran back to the dressing room to slip into some clothes. Then she ran out and found him at his table. "Hi, I'm Catherine," she said.

He swallowed and then found his voice. "Gil Grissom. Do you have a minute to sit?"

"Sure, especially if you buy me a drink."

She slid into a chair as he signaled the waitress. A drink soon appeared in front of Catherine.They talked for a long time.He told her where he worked and some of what he did. She talked about growing up in Vegas and how she was dancing to earn money to go to college. Gil had never had such an easy time talking to anyone in his life. She just seemed to know how to make him comfortable. And he loved her smile. Her whole face radiated when she smiled.He felt that she could warm him on the coldest Minnesota nights with just her smile. But he wasn't going to be stupid this time. He wouldn't get burned again. He would take it slow and be sure she was really interested in him, not that he had any real reason to think she was.

Months passed and their easy relationship grew into his first true friendship. He felt like he could talk about anything with her; not that he did. And he loved to listen to her talk. She had such an energy and animation to her that it gave him energy. His world was happier whenever he spent time with her.And he loved to watch her dance. He didn't watch the same way as the others did though. When she danced he saw that it took her someplce else; a better place and he wanted to go there with her. Oh, he appreciated her beauty and would be lying if he said her dancing didn't turn him on, but that's not the reason he watched. She sensed that and at times, he thought she was only dancing for him. Once again, he was falling.

Then someone else entered the picture. She started spending a lot of time with some jerk, Eddie. Gil hated him but he tried to hide it. He didn't want to lose Catherine so he acted cool with their relationship. But he didn't like who she became when Eddie was around. Finally one night, he'd seen enough. She was dancing and Eddie was leering. Gil couldn't understand why Eddie would treat her that way if he loved her. The more Eddie leered and jeered, the angrier Gil got. For the first time in his life he was overwhelmed with the notin that he would like to kill someone. So he abruptly left. Catherine called him the next day but he refused to talk to her.She was choosing to let the jerk treat her like that and so he was angry with her too. A few months later he heard they had gotten married. She was pregnant with Eddie's kid. Gil's heart sank; it should've been his kid.

A little over a year later she showed up on his doorstep with the baby. Her face was bruised and bleeding and she and the baby were crying. He let her in and helped her clean up. She settled the baby and they sat and talked all night. She told him about life with Eddie and the drugs and how he never worked and spent all the money she earned. Her dreams of college were disappearing. Fianlly she dozed off. A few minutes later the baby stirred. Gil picked her up and gazed into the eyes of the child that he desperatly wished was his.

Gil helped her get free of the drugs. Then he got her into school and she became a good student. Whenever Eddie beat her, Gil cleaned her up. He knew Catherine only saw him as a good friend, brother maybe. But he needed to help her; to be near her. His heart broke with every beating and he feared for the child. Gil managed to restrain himself over the beatings Cahreine took. For some reason beyond Gil's reasoning, she choose to go back. But if Eddie ever touched the child, Gil vowed he'd kill the bastard.

Not once in all those years did Gil hint at his true feelings for Catherine. He knew in his heart that there was no way she felt the same. Besides, she was married and seemed determined to make it work. So she kept going back until finally one day she had enough and she divorced him. But the chaos didn't end there and it would be a few more years before Eddie was truly gone from her life. By then Gil had given up any hope of having anything beyond friendship with her. By then he knew he would die a bitter lonely old man.

One night they were sitting in his office. Gil was in his chair behind his desk and Cath was in a chair opposite, her feet propped on his desk. "Don't you ever get lonely, Gil. I mean...really, the bugs can't be enough for you?"

"I have other things in my life. And I have you," he smiled.

"Yeah, but well, I know I get lonely. I mean, you're a great frind and all...but Well, I miss having someone to warm my bed, you know?"

Gil eased his glasses off his face and carefully put them on his desk, considering how to respond.

"Really Gil, when was the last time you had sex? For me it's been ...well, too long. God what I'd give for a good fu...' she stopped as she noticed the strange expression that came over his face.

He face was red and then slowly the color drained. He swallowed hard and then spoke softly. "Cath, I'm ...not one of your girlfriends. I mean, I know we share almost everything, but this is a little...too much"

"I'm sorry. You're right." She was quiet for aminute and Gil regained his composure. "But seiously, You used to at least try to go on dates. When was the last time you...?"

He blanched. She could see his control slipping and not in a good way. "Gil, I'm sorry. I did it again." She walked to his side of the desk and bent to wrap her arms around his neck. Before she realized what was happening he'd pulled her around, into his lap and was kissing her. Not a gentle kiss either. It was full of passion and longing; years of pent up frustration flowed through his lips. Her body tingled from his excitement. Then as abruptly as it had begun, it was over. He stood and walked away from her, keeping his back to her. He took in a deep breath and turned. "You want to know why I don't bother to date anymore, Cath. Well, now I think you have an idea. I don't want to hear any more about your mishaps with other men, Cath. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for years. And I know you don't feel the same but now you know and maybe you'll quit telling me about those other guys." He looked like he might cry or kill her, she wasn't sure which.

"Gil, I'm sorry...I had no idea." She was frightened. Frightened about his state and frightened about their relationship. But another emotion was there too...hope?

"Please Cath," he whined. "Please, just leave."

She walked out of the room, gently closing the door behind her. A few minutes later he heard a gentle knock. He had stretched out on his couch, exhausted from his earlier emotions but still in turmoil. He didn't answer. Another knock, slightly louder. Still no answer. Slowly the door opened. She saw him on the couch, his arm over his eyes. Quietly she closed the door and eased over to him. "Gil?"

His arm flew off his face and panic set in. He sat up and glared at her.

She sat next to him making him more uncomfortable. "Cath, Please...just...I can't do this anymore."

"Her hand reached over and took his. "Neither can I, Gil. All those other men...I wanted them to be you. But they couldn't be and so it always ended in a mess."

Gil sat very still; afraid to move, afraid to respond.

"Gil, when Lindsey was born...I wished she was yours. Actually, I wished she was yours the night she was conceived."

Tears began to work their way onto his cheeks. He blinked, trying to hold them back. He had never felt so sad in his life.He swallowed, trying to respond but knew he'd break if he did.

She cupped his chin in her hand, turning his face toward her. Gently, tenderly she kissed him. He blinked and began to pull back but she wouldn't let him. Her hand held him as she continued to probe. He relaxed into the kiss and began to kiss back. There was no urgency or anger in that kiss; just resignation. When they finally seperated he whispered, "you really want me?"

"Yes, Gil...only you."

He hugged her so tight she thought he'd break her in half. She recognized his emotion though; he was holding on to her for dear life, just as she had held onto him so many times over the years. No words were necessary now. The walls had tumbled and they both saw clearly the other side. Their two worlds had became one.