"In the role of Fanny Brice, introducing Ms. Rachel Berry." It was the kind of thing she'd written in her diary hundreds of times as she sat in her bedroom dreaming of the day she would sing on Broadway. She was still pinching herself daily despite the fact she was now holding the Playbill for "Funny Girl" with those words printed directly under "Cast" on page 3.
Rachel had known that this was what she wanted practically from birth. Yet nothing could have prepared her for what she was feeling at this moment just a few hours before curtain on opening night.
The rehearsals had been going on for close to a year. There had been many long nights, times when she was ready to give up, when nothing seemed to be working. Everyone else on the show was a veteran of Broadway. They had all seemed to just click into their roles. For her, even with years of watching Barbra onscreen, it was like pulling teeth to get just the right nuance on a song or section of dialogue. The director had gotten a bit frustrated with her on more than one occasion.
Now, after endless rehearsals, costume fittings, more rehearsals, learning choreography, rewrites, and even more rehearsals, the time had come. The curtain was going to rise tonight and she was going to BE Fanny Brice for two hours. Life was just about perfect.
Her phone chirped at her from her pocket and she checked it to see a text from Kurt, "Break a leg, my Broadway star roomie. Look for us in the first row!" She smiled. He was her very best friend in the world. Who would have ever predicted such a thing five years ago at McKinley High School? He had been her rock through a lot of tear filled rants of frustration through this whole process.
She walked over to the window and looked down at the lights just starting to come on in the street below. There were a lot of people who had made it possible for her to be here tonight, her dads, Mr. Schu, all the kids from Glee club, Shelby, NYADA. They had all helped mold her into the person she was and prepared her for this, the biggest night of her life. There was one who stood head and shoulders above the rest, however, as her constant motivator and supporter. He'd never let her waiver in her pursuit of this goal. He'd always told her that she was special and talented even when she didn't believe it herself. Finn was her rock.
He had done a lot of growing up since starting classes at the University of Lima. He was really serious about becoming a teacher. Things between the two of them had gone from puppy love to real romance to heartbreak and then to friendship. Somewhere over the past few months, that friendship had become a romance again. This time around though, it was different. They had a deeper understanding and respect for each other. It wasn't just a high school romance any longer and she knew, as he had promised her, they were destined to be together forever.
She and Finn were drawn to each other like magnets even when they were hundreds of miles apart. Her heart fluttered just thinking of him sitting next to Kurt in the front row watching her tonight. She wanted nothing more than to make him proud.
She was torn from her reverie by two women from wardrobe rushing in with her first costume of the night. She had to get dressed and get her hair done. Only a couple of hours until she'd hit the stage. She felt like she was floating and also a little bit like she might throw up at any second. As they struggled to get everything buttoned and zipped into place, there was another knock. She asked someone to get the door and a stage hand brought in a bouquet of what looked like 100 roses. She gasped in awe but then teared up just a bit as she read the card, "You've always been my star. Now, the rest of the world will get to see how brightly you shine. I love you. Finn"
The makeup person was yelling, "No, no, no! No tears. You already have mascara on."
She could only look at him and laugh. He couldn't know how close to bursting her heart was at this moment. No one really knew except Finn, not even Kurt fully understood. Getting this note was like having him here with her right now. It completed her joy.
The next hour flew by. Before she could even catch her breath, it was 30 minutes to curtain. She wanted so badly to be able to peek from backstage and wave to Kurt and Finn along with all her family and friends who were going to be in the audience tonight. This wasn't Lima, though. That simply wasn't allowed on Broadway, but she knew they were out there. Nothing would keep them from being here tonight.
As she walked out and took her place on stage, she took a deep breath and looked around taking it all in. She wanted to remember every detail so that she could tell Finn and Kurt all about it later tonight. Her hands were shaking and her throat felt parched. Could she do this? What if she forgot a line or mixed up a lyric like she'd done in her first NYADA audition?
The orchestra began playing and there was a last minute flurry of activity before finally the curtain began to rise. Applause seemed to roll from the audience like a wave as she stepped forward and began her first song. The lights made it hard to see the audience but she could just make out Kurt sitting front row center. He looked like he was crying. He had told her he was going to. He even had a Burberry tissue box cover that he'd bought so he could bring his Kleenex along in style.
The seat next to him was empty which worried her for a moment but then she glanced to the side. Finn was there, standing in the aisle. He had probably stood up just so she could see him. He looked so happy. His face almost seemed to glow from within with his love and pride. Rachel's hands stopped shaking. There were no more doubts. Finn believed in her. She could do this.
The rest of the show went smoothly. The director reminded them as they finished to a resounding standing ovation that all those rehearsals had been worth it. Everyone in the cast was hugging and congratulating each other once the curtains closed. They felt it had been a triumphant success. The director came over, gave her a hug and whispered, "Barbra will be proud." He knew there was no higher praise for her than that.
Friends and family members who had passes were soon crowding into the small backstage area. Rachel watched expectantly as they all filed in. She knew that her dads would be coming along with Kurt but more than anything she longed to see Finn's sweet smiling face looking at her from across the room. She wanted to run into his strong arms and hear him say how proud he was and how much he loved her.
A few minutes went by and she was getting a bit anxious. She had expected Finn to be first in line to get backstage. Finally, though, she saw her dads and Kurt pushing through the crowded room towards her. She kept looking, thinking Finn must be right behind them but for some reason she couldn't see him. Burt had even come along with Kurt but she still didn't see Finn.
Her dads ran up and grabbed her into their arms, talking over each other in their praise of her performance. She turned to greet Kurt and his father and another round of hugging ensued. She finally had a moment to ask, "Where's Finn?"
All four of the men looked uncomfortably at each other. Burt stammered a bit, "He's, ah, he's at the apartment. We're supposed to bring you straight there."
"What?" she was incredulous, "Finn isn't here? Why on earth is he at the apartment?"
Kurt took her hand, "No more questions, Funny Girl. You're coming with us."
Rachel began to protest, "I can't leave yet. I don't understand what's going on here. Finn told me he'd be here tonight. The cast is supposed to do interviews with the press. This is crazy. He knows I can't just leave."
Her fathers interrupted, "We've cleared this with your director. Everything is all settled. No arguments. You're coming with us right now."
Rachel couldn't begin to fathom what was going on with all of them or with Finn. Was he planning some big surprise party for her? Surely he knew this wasn't the right time for something like that. She was about to flatly refuse when the director walked over and told her she needed to go with her family and not to worry about the interviews for tonight. It was a little unsettling but she finally agreed to leave with everyone.
A car was waiting outside the entrance and Rachel gladly took a seat in the interior, waiting until everyone else was inside before asking, "You have to tell me what's happening. Finn wouldn't miss this. Did something happen? Where is he?"
Kurt turned his head and quickly looked out the window but not before she saw the tears glistening in his eyes. Her dads move a bit closer as if to shield her and Burt began to speak.
"Rachel, there's been an accident." Her heart stopped. Finn was hurt. She had to get to him. "Which hospital was he taken to? We have to go there now." She demanded.
Burt calmly continued, "Kurt and Finn were on their way here to see you earlier tonight. Finn stepped to the curb to hail a cab. A delivery truck swerved to avoid a bike messenger and the driver lost control of the vehicle. Finn was hit."
Rachel's whole body was shaking uncontrollably. "I have to see him. He needs me. I have to get to him. Please. Are we going to the hospital now?" She couldn't hold the tears in any longer. She looked to Kurt. She'd never seem him look so broken. "Kurt, what happened? Where's Finn?"
"Rachel, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," he choked through his tears.
"No! No, no, no! Take me to Finn right now. Take me to him. He needs me," she pleaded.
Burt and both her fathers were crying now as well. "He didn't make it, honey," her dad whispered. "I'm so sorry, baby, but he didn't make it."
Rachel felt like all the air left her lungs. Her father's words were like a physical blow to her stomach. She fell forward in the seat as the world around disappeared into a whirling cacophony of light and sound. Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears along with the words, " he didn't make it." She was shaking and crying and gasping for air, "Finn! Oh, Finn! No! No!"
She looked at the faces all around her but nothing made sense. Nothing seemed real. How could she survive in a world without Finn? This had to be a bad dream. It couldn't be real. She had to see him. They were wrong. She had to just see him and they'd know it too. "I have to see him. Please! Take me to him."
Burt leaned forward and took her face in his hands, "You can't see him right now, Rachel. I know how much this hurts, believe me. You'll get to see him later but not now. We just have to get through this part. We're all here for you and for each other. We all loved him. We have to be strong."
Rachel leaned into his shoulder and sobbed uncontrollably. Kurt put his arms around them both and they all cried together as the car pulled in to a stop at the curb in front of their apartment. Her dad looked at her, "Ready to go in?" She nodded. Santana would be there and she had to call everyone, Quinn, Puck, Arty, Mercedes. God, how was she going to do this? How could she tell them Finn was dead?
She stepped out of the car onto the curb. The night air was cool. It helped to clear her head a little. She took Kurt's hand and walked with him to their door. She shakily reached into her bag for the door key but within seconds the door was opened by an obviously distraught Santana. Rachel fell into her arms and they cried together for a moment. Rachel whispered through her tears that she had to call everyone but Santana just shook her head. She stepped aside showing Rachel the room behind them.
Mr. Schu was here and so was Quinn. They were both wiping away tears. She walked further into the room. That was when she saw them all. Puck, Sam, Artie, Mercedes, Britney, Blaine, Mike, Tina, Coach Bieste and even Coach Sylvester were here. They were all here. "How, how are you all here? How did you know?" she asked through the sob building in her throat.
Mr. Schu stepped forward, "We came to see your show, Rachel. We were going to surprise you and then Kurt called me. I'm so sorry, Rachel. We all loved Finn." Rachel reached out and hugged him, "I know. I know you did."
For hours, there was nothing but hugging and crying and talk about Finn, about what a good guy he was, how he'd saved the Glee club on more than one occasion, how he'd helped all of them in so many ways, what a great teacher he would've been. Rachel didn't say much. She mostly sat and listened as they all talked. She cried a lot at first and then Puck told a funny story about some crazy thing he and Finn had done during their freshman year. She smiled at that memory and she realized that Finn would have really loved this, all of them together again, sharing their thoughts and their grief.
One of her dads had made tea and was passing around cups to them all. He asked her if she wanted to change clothes as he passed her a cup. She hadn't thought about it at all but she was still in costume and makeup from the show. "Yeah, I think so," she told him. She excused herself and went into her room.
She changed into her favorite sweat pants and warm, fuzzy sweater. As she washed her face to remove the heavy stage makeup, she began to cry again. The scene in the car when Burt had told her about Finn's accident replayed in her mind. He'd said they were on their way to the theater when it happened but Finn was there. Finn had been at the theater. She'd seen him beaming at her from the audience.
She heard the door creaking open behind her and turned to see Kurt. He walked over and hugged her tightly, "Rachel, he was so excited. He was so looking forward to seeing you tonight. He was telling everyone we met about the show and you. He really loved you, more than anything else in the world."
She nodded as the tears soaked Kurt's shoulder, "He loved you, too, Kurt. We're really lucky, aren't we, to have had him, even if it was just for a little while." Kurt nodded back despite his own sobs.
She sat on the edge of her bed and Kurt sat down beside her. "I want to tell you something, Kurt. Tonight, when the curtain opened, I looked for you and for Finn. I knew you'd be there. I looked for you both, and I saw you."
Kurt placed his hand over hers, "I know. I saw you looking down. I was afraid you'd get rattled when you realized Finn wasn't there but there was no way to let you know…"
"No," she interrupted, "You don't understand. I saw you, both of you, in the audience. He was there, Kurt. He was standing there, smiling, looking so proud. I knew everything would be fine because I saw him there."
Kurt looked skeptically at her, but she continued. "I know it sounds crazy Kurt, but before the show I was so nervous, so worried about whether I would be able to do it. Then, I saw him. He was standing in the middle aisle, just smiling and looking right at me. When I saw him I knew it would be okay. He was there for me. I wanted so much to make him proud. I couldn't have done it without him."
They sat side by side for a moment, just staring at the wall, lost in their own thoughts and memories. Kurt broke the silence, "Right after it happened, I ran over to him. He was still conscious for a bit. I was telling him to hold on, to be tough. I tried to tell him it was going to be okay, but he knew I was lying. He said, 'Kurt, just stop talking and listen. I love you , little brother. You have to do something for me. Tell Rachel, I love her and I'm so proud of her. And give her the box that's in my pocket.'" As Kurt finished talking he held up a small box.
Rachel took it with shaking hands. The tiny box had been in Finn's pocket only a few hours ago. She carefully opened the lid to reveal a bracelet with a tiny gold star. It matched the necklace he had given her back in high school. She took it out of the box and Kurt helped to fasten it on her wrist.
She touched the delicate golden chain with her other hand. Kurt was wiping tears away once again. She took Kurt's hand and walked with him back into the room with all their friends and family. With a voice still shaking with emotion, she stood in the center of the room and spoke to them. "Finn will always be with us. He'll be in our hearts and he'll be that little voice that pushes us and tell us we can do anything. When we really need him, he'll be there. He was there for me tonight and I know he was proud of me. I miss him so much." She tried to continue but couldn't get any more words past the tears.
Mr. Schu stepped up, "We'll all miss him, Rachel. But you're right, he's always going to be right here with all of us," he told her as he placed his hand over his heart. There were a few quiet sobs.
It was very late but no one wanted to leave. Rachel, Kurt and Santana found blankets and pillows to pass around to everyone. People were sleeping on the sofa, chairs and the floor. It was so quiet suddenly. Kurt was sitting next to Blaine in a corner of the room. He was still crying softly but Blaine was holding his hand and whispering to him. Kurt would be okay. Blaine and Burt would make sure of that.
Rachel walked silently to the window in her bedroom. She looked out into the still, cold darkness. It was usually hard to see the stars from her window, but tonight the sky was as clear as glass. A single star shone brightly. She put her hand to the glass. That star was Finn Hudson, she knew, keeping watch over them all just as he had always done. A single silent tear slid down her cheek as she remembered him giving her that star as a gift three years before. "Goodbye, my sweet Finn," she whispered, "I'll love you, forever."